Oh Dem Bones

Morning All.

I had a restful weekend with loads of sleep and I woke feeling a bit better this morning (yay!)  Then…I got to work and as my body temperature adjusted to the greenhouse/tropical heat blasting though the radiators (that’s a dumb thing to say…it’s radiant heat, not forced air).  I have my window open to the near-freezing air outside and it’s not helping.  I feel as if I’m submerged in a bath of hot water, limbs floating aimlessly here and there.  When I blink my eyes stay closed for a second longer each time until I’m nearly losing consciousness.  It feels so good to close my eyes though.  All the strain settles.

I am wound up tighter than a snare drum muscle-wise.  There is not even a slight give to the muscles in my shoulders/neck/face/jaw…they feel like rocks under my skin.  The tendons and nerves are all pulled tight and when I move the wrong way they *twanggg* like guitar strings.  That is not a fun thing to experience, let me tell you.  The neck is the worst today though.  I cannot stop moving and twisting my head around (Carefully – just trying to stretch the muscles).  I feel like, if I could just get them to move somehow, the tension will release some, but I can’t figure out how.  My face hurts…opening my jaw really wide helps that but hurts my neck.  When I try to stretch to the side (ear to shoulder) my collarbone feels as if it’s going to snap or pop out of socket….if there is a socket there…maybe my shoulder more so than collarbone).

In mood I’m up and down.  I had tons of dreams because I slept so much but none of them were terribly distressing..just mundane, repetitive attempts to escape life.  Always one step ahead of chaos.  I keep getting reminded of things from dreams though…I’ll be thinking of something (a pair of knee-high christmas socks I saw in a store) and it will take a while to realize that the store is in my head only.  I’m panicking and trying to get some xmas shopping in, in dreams right now.  I *never* shop early but I’ve been raring to go this year.  I think I’m just wanting to make the holidays mean as much as I can.  I may not be in decent shape to hang lights and decorations when nearing 50.  (sigh..that is so young…I hate seeing it in writing).

Haha..omg.  Hypervigilant me (I must be worried about something)  I have been sitting here, in my office, for the last ten minutes trying to locate the source of a very odd sound.  It was a hissing sound…like the old thermostats on the wall that don’t work with the little lever you can slide back and forth.  “PFFFFFFFFFFFFFF” right?  It was like that but not happening in short blasts.  I crept around listening to the walls  and all the electrical hums I can hear…all the people down the hall and above and below me.  Still….that weird sound.  I searched my office and, after giving up in frustration, I sat back at my computer and picked up my can of soda.  lol.  Oh.  Carbonation.  WHEW brain, that was close one.  Thank God you alerted to that terrible danger…Pepsi. lol.

With all this in my head and dreams polluting my thoughts I’m still feeling more or less okay.  I’m not putting on any pretense this time, I’m going with the theory that I am who I am and I shouldn’t feel guilty for it.  I am D’s partner.  We are standing up to face the world on our own terms and if it happens to flop, so be it.  He has been by my side through everything I’ve experienced ….

As I typed that last line the school called and I answered.  The LST was on the line and wanted to alert me to a situation Colt had on the playground this morning.  (Sigh).  Apparently, there’s a big snowball some of the kids made (we’ve had a ridiculous amount of snow this past week).  He wanted to play with it but when he got there a bunch of older kids already had it.  He asked them to go away so he could play and they told him no.  He lost it.  Screaming “Eff you Eff you Eff you!!!”  (Only he used the full version) and then started to threaten the kids.  He told them he was going to kill them.  …  this is a huge deal.

Ever since kids started taking weapons to school to seek revenge on their tormentors (or whatever their reason), the schools have been clamped down on bullying.  The last one that happened involved a child who was said to be on the Spectrum, however, I believe those reports were unfounded.  True or otherwise, it definitely put a scary thought in people’s heads….I wonder how many of them have been told by their parents to stay away from Colt at school because of it 😦  More than I’d be happy knowing about, I’ll bet.

The LST told me had this been *any* other kid, they would have been suspended.  She chose not to suspend Colt, thankfully, but she did tell me that the principal may do so when she returns from wherever she is this week.  I hope they don’t suspend him.  It’s not the wasted educational time really, it’s that a suspension will equal one of two things.  1.  I’ll have to pay our sitter for full days, killing our weekly budget, which will be a reward to him….having the whole house to himself with the babies and all the toys.  2.  Either D or I will have to take the days off and keep him home, which is just about the best treat ever for Colt.  What they should do is take away all the fun stuff at school, not suspend him.  That said, I’m not sure how I would feel if I was one of the kids parents.  😦  If my 9-year-old daughter came home from school and told me some disabled kid threatened to kill her while screaming the “F word” I’d not be so pleased.  Ah well…I guess there’s no mystery why he doesn’t get invited to birthday parties.  Not even the sitter’s kids birthdays.  No one wants him to ruin their good time.

I feel so sad for him…and tired.  Frustrated.  Angry.  It has just about killed me, fighting like a dog all these years to ensure he get’s a good chance at an education, at least, and here he is flushing it down the toilet because he didn’t get what he wanted on the playground.  He wanted this group of kids to just hand over their game and leave him to play by himself….How in the world do I explain to him how wrong that though pattern is?  He’s spent his entire life being catered to…adapted to.  He knows he can’t have everything he wants but chooses to test this theory when he thinks he’ll get away with it.  That though, that’s the strangest part for me.  He knows full well he’s not allowed to swear.  He knows that “fuck” is the worst one of the bunch.  We have impressed upon him that people will think he’s a bully if he treats his peers in mean or rough ways and he’s sobbed his little heart out afterwards saying he feels so sad and sick….but then, one day later he places himself directly into conflict.  He doesn’t have a good working memory so I think it’s partially that he’s not connecting one experience to the next.  Once he already goes there and get’s scolded, he remembers but by then it’s usually too late.

This is such a hard one.

Anyway.  I’ve calmed the school, agreed with the LST, thanked her for not suspending him, alerted D to the mess, spoke with him reasonably and we decided we’ll talk to him tonight without any yelling.  Heart to heart.  We will impress upon him that the rules cannot be broken, as we have in the past and we’re going to force him to bed earlier this week.  He’s a night owl and will stay up all night if we let him (which we don’t, however, we do fall asleep at some point and he waits for silence sometimes before starting up again).  I’m going to stop at the dollar store on my way home to pick up a big sheet of Bristol board on which I plan to draw a visual schedule for home.  He will follow the schedule exactly, by time, and I’ll get him doing it himself, checking off tasks as he completes them.  This way he will stay more focused and will be less apt to slip into his own little world.  I’ve always liked giving him the time to detach as it’s something that helps me so much when stressed but D disagrees.  He thinks it’s fostering bad behaviours.  We will try it his way for now…get Colt involved in constant activities.  He can have his down-time in bed while he quietly plays for a bit before sleeping.

Sounds better than yelling and crying right?  Oh the joys.  xx

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Oh Dem Bones”

  1. KittyHere says :

    It takes a lot of deep hurt inside for a kid like Colt to blow up like that. That is my belief. I was teased (today they would say bullied) by kids to the point of terrible anger. Come to think of it some of my “well intentioned” friends can do the same to me as an adult. At Colt’s age I had not been exposed to bad language. Had that going for me. As an adult I do not use fowl language often,, but if alone in my own home I might…have recently with current stresses… if anyone heard I would be in big trouble too. Suspended from life to an institution? Poor Colt, I sometimes really question mainstreaming… but I know that is not a widely held opinion.

    • Grainne says :

      I also question the value in keeping kids with disabilities in mainstream classes. In my experience, the poor kids feel singled out and totally different from their peers. That said, there are quite a few very kind kids who help him along, but of course, there are others as well. Colt is starting to actually feel that hurt when he is rejected and it breaks my heart like any mother…I think.

      He doesn’t know how to react in situations where he doesn’t get what he wants or needs. He can’t explain the need either….so frustrating for him.

      *hugs you tight* YOU, of all people, most certainly have earned a few curse words in the privacy of your own home. xox Will write you in a bit.

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