A new shade of pale

My doctor called.  She needs to see me in to get the results of my blood work.  She’s never done that to me before….usually offers up *something* to keep my mind from leaping ahead.  Mind you, I don’t have a particularly healthy relationship with my body so I might not even really care….haven’t decided yet.   The only day they have for me is next week so…not really that far.

I stayed home today.  I woke up and when I stood, I fell.  Not like “oops I’m a lil dizzy” kind of stumble.  I stood up, my body just said NO and I collapsed.  It took me ten minutes to get to the stairs, another five to get to the bathroom where D was showering.  To his credit, he didn’t freak out and start yelling at me which is his most common response to me staying home sick.  He just did it…took care of Colt and dropped him at the sitter.  He’s texted me a few times to make sure I’m still alive.

I got up at 330 and had a hot bath to try to … idk…help.  Something.  I took a handful of meds and sat to try to pull myself together before they get home shortly.  Colt worries enough about me…Don’t need to add to his stress.  Poor kid.

I feel so sick.  It’s not in the normal ways…there’s incredible pain that isn’t going away at all, even with extra meds and it’s kind of making me crazy, not being able to escape it even for a second.  Then there’s my head.  That’s where something is wrong…and sadly, I don’t mean emotionally or mentally this time.  There’s a “feeling” that’s not been there before.  To be honest it’s making me sort of frantic to clean up my affairs and get shit in order…that’s just the crazy talking though.  I think.  Panic without panic.

My friend is in hospital right now, I’ve just learned, fighting for her life against an unknown illness of her own.  It could be worse for me and I’m going to try to hold onto that without giving up entirely.

I’m so tired.  Want so much to sleep.


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “A new shade of pale”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    I’m worried for you, really worried. I can only hope that if your doc was super concerned she’d have had her scheduling folks rearrange things to get you in today, so I guess that’s something.

    If you need to talk a little more privately, you know how to reach me. I’m also going to email you my cell number, just in case.

    Love ya sweetie, hang in there.

    • Grainne says :

      You’re so good to me. xx Thank you very much for offering your time on such a busy day!! You always have so much going on…you don’t have much time to spare. Happy Thanksgiving Mama. xx

  2. Pete says :

    Hey Sweetheart,

    Now I guess I know what’s coming for me! Grainne, so worried about you xo. At least your Dr didn’t say come in straight away (about your bloods), but maybe you should PUSH her for that being as crook as you are? Maybe you are a bit anaemic, certainly that would fit with your symptoms. Perhaps Dan could take you to the emergency department? It’s really good that he’s texting you to check on you 🙂
    We share the pain dilemma for sure and the panic thoughts are only natural. Have you got any Benzos to try to calm your mind?
    I’m so sorry about your friend too!
    Just wish I could hold you in my arms until you drifted off to sleep.

    Love you,

    Pete xo

    • Grainne says :

      Hey you. It’s true…if my blood results were dire she’s have seen me, however, there must be something going on as she always gives me results over the phone. I’m not worried though. Will take it as it comes.

      The only anti-anxiety med I have is ativan and while I do find it effective, it puts me down like a tranquilizer. Day by day by day right. xx

  3. KittyHere says :

    Grainne. I know things are bad now. I still have faith in you, in the doctor too. Colt will be OK. D will be OK. Right now you are what you must need to pay attention to, body & soul.

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