A new shade of pale
My doctor called. She needs to see me in to get the results of my blood work. She’s never done that to me before….usually offers up *something* to keep my mind from leaping ahead. Mind you, I don’t have a particularly healthy relationship with my body so I might not even really care….haven’t decided yet. The only day they have for me is next week so…not really that far.
I stayed home today. I woke up and when I stood, I fell. Not like “oops I’m a lil dizzy” kind of stumble. I stood up, my body just said NO and I collapsed. It took me ten minutes to get to the stairs, another five to get to the bathroom where D was showering. To his credit, he didn’t freak out and start yelling at me which is his most common response to me staying home sick. He just did it…took care of Colt and dropped him at the sitter. He’s texted me a few times to make sure I’m still alive.
I got up at 330 and had a hot bath to try to … idk…help. Something. I took a handful of meds and sat to try to pull myself together before they get home shortly. Colt worries enough about me…Don’t need to add to his stress. Poor kid.
I feel so sick. It’s not in the normal ways…there’s incredible pain that isn’t going away at all, even with extra meds and it’s kind of making me crazy, not being able to escape it even for a second. Then there’s my head. That’s where something is wrong…and sadly, I don’t mean emotionally or mentally this time. There’s a “feeling” that’s not been there before. To be honest it’s making me sort of frantic to clean up my affairs and get shit in order…that’s just the crazy talking though. I think. Panic without panic.
My friend is in hospital right now, I’ve just learned, fighting for her life against an unknown illness of her own. It could be worse for me and I’m going to try to hold onto that without giving up entirely.
I’m so tired. Want so much to sleep.