I don’t understand what’s going on this time. Three days ago the pain was down a bit…things were letting go and it all seemed like I might actually have a fairly good winter with the pain issues. I said to D not a week ago that I was surprised and happy that the cooler weather seemed to be helping. Now I’m in the middle of a text argument with him over how I feel.
Something is wrong. I don’t feel right at all and I don’t know how to figure it out. Yesterday I woke up with a headache and went to work. I was sore, stiff….when I got here the office was sweltering hot and I turned on my air conditioner to help. A stuffy hot office doesn’t so much for keeping you feeling alert and awake. The pain in my head got worse through the morning and by early afternoon I was in a bad way. My head was killing me and I started to shake and tremble….my neck/shoulders/face/jaw kicked in with pain and I couldn’t stop moving and stretching…so fucking sore. Pain meds didn’t touch it. I was so tired I fought to stay awake but was literally falling asleep at my desk. I started working standing up so I’d not pass out. I got dizzy and my vision started to tunnel as my head screamed in agony so I’d sit…start to fall asleep, stand, run to the bathroom to dry heave, nearly pass out, sweat and shake. Back and forth I went until 330 when D came to pick me up (couldn’t drive) and he took me home. I was asleep by 4 and slept until 7 this morning. I had no meds in my system….no muscle relaxers, no pain killers…nothing sedating and yet I slept for 15 hours. I woke tired. Unbelievably.
D drove me in again (so thankful for that) today. I was okay until I was in the car then the familiar burning pain started in my neck. By the time I got to work I was in pain again…shoulders, neck, face…head pounding, stomach turning. I drank a little coffee…ate an apple. Tried to settle things but it didn’t work. Now it’s 11:33 and I’ve been in the bathroom throwing up my coffee and apple from the splitting pain in my head and, well, everything above my boobs.
I texted D asking for ideas, help. I feel so sick. I’m dizzy and nauseous and my body is shaking all the time. I’m weak and hungry but I can’t get anything down. My head is fuzzy and exhausted…I feel like I haven’t slept in a week and I just don’t feel right. I want to lie down very badly but I’m afraid to because I know I’ll pass out. I can barely keep my eyes open (reading my typing on the screen is giving me a feeling of motion sickness mixed with a giant hang over although I’ve not had anything to drink since the weekend, and even then it was only a beer or two.
D has decided, in the last hour or so, that it must be one of the following: Beer. He says that the two beer I had must have messed with my system and caused excessive exhaustion, an arthritic flare up beyond any I’ve ever had, even when drinking several beer every night. I try not to bat down his every idea but that one was kind of pissing me off. He’s still quite convinced though. Then he said it must be a flu. Yep, for sure…flu. A flu that drains me of energy but comes with no fever, no aches and pains aside from my bones, and makes me throw up intermittently. No runny nose, no sinus pressure, nothing. Just extreme exhaustion, extreme pain causing vomiting and fainting…it’s not a fucking flu. Then he said,
“Well you’ve just got to stop messing with your meds then.” Okay…valid. My doc has taken me off a few of the meds that didn’t seem effective but that was at least four weeks ago. I didn’t take a muscle relaxer on the weekend because I was feeling good and am supposed to take those as needed. I took one this morning though so it can’t be that or I’d be feeling better, not worse. Plus, I’ve gone weeks without them before with no effects like this. (Eyes forcing closed…blurring vision right now…ringing in ears, dizzy, sore…need to stand up but afraid I’ll fall). There’s something weird going on and all he wants to do is argue and dismiss.
I know it’s less scary that way, if it’s the beer I drank 72 hours ago or some random flu that only affects people with spinal arthritis. The flare up, he is sure, is from sleeping on the cold couch or just random, as it has never been but whatever right? Let’s blow this off and pretend I’m fine while I fight to remain conscious at work. I told him I’d just ignore it then, for a few days and see how I fare. He responded that I should call my doctor anyway, just in case. (rolls eyes).
I’m tired…beyond tired. Exhausted.
In such pain.
I can’t keep my eyes open. Trying so hard. Just can’t. There is nothing sedating me either..just a dizzy, sedated, about to drop off sort of haze.
My legs hurt. When I walk I feel like things are going to break under my weight.
I’m sweating…overheating. Freezing. Overheating. Freezing. (that, my physician tells me, is just my estrogen dropping before my period. Nothing to be done there. Two weeks of being freezing cold and soaked in sweat while sleeping, working…hell, I even sweat in the shower. It’s freaking fantastic. Ah well. On we go. (I’m going to go on the pill I think…see if I can’t get this under control some. Sooooooooooo not interested in trying another med though. I hate the way they change so many parts of how I feel.
There’s this numb, hollow sound vibrating inside me. It’s overwhelming so much I can’t pick things out anymore.
Something isn’t right here. Something is wrong. 😦 Why won’t anyone listen to me?