I don’t understand what’s going on this time.  Three days ago the pain was down a bit…things were letting go and it all seemed like I might actually have a fairly good winter with the pain issues.  I said to D not a week ago that I was surprised and happy that the cooler weather seemed to be helping.  Now I’m in the middle of a text argument with him over how I feel.

Something is wrong.  I don’t feel right at all and I don’t know how to figure it out.  Yesterday I woke up with a headache and went to work.  I was sore, stiff….when I got here the office was sweltering hot and I turned on my air conditioner to help.  A stuffy hot office doesn’t so much for keeping you feeling alert and awake.  The pain in my head got worse through the morning and by early afternoon I was in a bad way.  My head was killing me and I started to shake and tremble….my neck/shoulders/face/jaw kicked in with pain and I couldn’t stop moving and stretching…so fucking sore.  Pain meds didn’t touch it.  I was so tired I fought to stay awake but was literally falling asleep at my desk.  I started working standing up so I’d not pass out.  I got dizzy and my vision started to tunnel as my head screamed in agony so I’d sit…start to fall asleep, stand, run to the bathroom to dry heave, nearly pass out, sweat and shake.  Back and forth I went until 330 when D came to pick me up (couldn’t drive) and he took me home.  I was asleep by 4 and slept until 7 this morning.  I had no meds in my system….no muscle relaxers, no pain killers…nothing sedating and yet I slept for 15 hours.  I woke tired.  Unbelievably.

D drove me in again (so thankful for that) today.  I was okay until I was in the car then the familiar burning pain started in my neck.  By the time I got to work I was in pain again…shoulders, neck, face…head pounding, stomach turning.  I drank a little coffee…ate an apple.  Tried to settle things but it didn’t work.  Now it’s 11:33 and I’ve been in the bathroom throwing up my coffee and apple from the splitting pain in my head and, well, everything above my boobs.

I texted D asking for ideas, help.  I feel so sick.  I’m dizzy and nauseous and my body is shaking all the time.  I’m weak and hungry but I can’t get anything down.  My head is fuzzy and exhausted…I feel like I haven’t slept in a week and I just don’t feel right.  I want to lie down very badly but I’m afraid to because I know I’ll pass out.  I can barely keep my eyes open (reading my typing on the screen is giving me a feeling of motion sickness mixed with a giant hang over although I’ve not had anything to drink since the weekend, and even then it was only a beer or two.

D has decided, in the last hour or so, that it must be one of the following:  Beer.  He says that the two beer I had must have messed with my system and caused excessive exhaustion, an arthritic flare up beyond any I’ve ever had, even when drinking several beer every night.  I try not to bat down his every idea but that one was kind of pissing me off.  He’s still quite convinced though.  Then he said it must be a flu.  Yep, for sure…flu.  A flu that drains me of energy but comes with no fever, no aches and pains aside from my bones, and makes me throw up intermittently.  No runny nose, no sinus pressure, nothing.  Just extreme exhaustion, extreme pain causing vomiting and fainting…it’s not a fucking flu.  Then he said,

“Well you’ve just got to stop messing with your meds then.”  Okay…valid.  My doc has taken me off a few of the meds that didn’t seem effective but that was at least four weeks ago.  I didn’t take a muscle relaxer on the weekend because I was feeling good and am supposed to take those as needed.  I took one this morning though so it can’t be that or I’d be feeling better, not worse.  Plus, I’ve gone weeks without them before with no effects like this.  (Eyes forcing closed…blurring vision right now…ringing in ears, dizzy, sore…need to stand up but afraid I’ll fall).  There’s something weird going on and all he wants to do is argue and dismiss.

I know it’s less scary that way, if it’s the beer I drank 72 hours ago or some random flu that only affects people with spinal arthritis.  The flare up, he is sure, is from sleeping on the cold couch or just random, as it has never been but whatever right?  Let’s blow this off and pretend I’m fine while I fight to remain conscious at work.  I told him I’d just ignore it then, for a few days and see how I fare.  He responded that I should call my doctor anyway, just in case.  (rolls eyes).

I’m tired…beyond tired.  Exhausted.

In such pain.

I can’t keep my eyes open.  Trying so hard.  Just can’t.  There is nothing sedating me either..just a dizzy, sedated, about to drop off sort of haze.

My legs hurt.  When I walk I feel like things are going to break under my weight.

I’m sweating…overheating.  Freezing.  Overheating.  Freezing.  (that, my physician tells me, is just my estrogen dropping before my period.  Nothing to be done there.  Two weeks of being freezing cold and soaked in sweat while sleeping, working…hell, I even sweat in the shower.  It’s freaking fantastic.  Ah well.  On we go.  (I’m going to go on the pill I think…see if I can’t get this under control some.  Sooooooooooo not interested in trying another med though.  I hate the way they change so many parts of how I feel.

There’s this numb, hollow sound vibrating inside me.  It’s overwhelming so much I can’t pick things out anymore.

Something isn’t right here.  Something is wrong.  😦  Why won’t anyone listen to me?


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

9 responses to “Sick”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    Listening and telling you to hustle your little ass to a doc pronto. This sounds incredibly odd, even for you honey. Beer you had over the weekend is long gone. Flu doesn’t present like this. It’s odd, sounds terrible, and maybe serious. Go, go now.


    • Grainne says :

      Mmhm. I repeated myself so much in that post….I’m quite a mess. On my way to see her now, I hope. NO one is answering my doc’s office phone, of course, so I’m just taking a cab over. D’s got my car….shouldn’t drive anyway I guess.

      Fuuuuck. Just ONE good week? Is that so much to ask for??? *hugs back* From a distance just in case this IS a flu. Sigh.

  2. paindepression says :

    I am glad you are on your way to the doctor, it doesn’t sound right to me either. Sending you loving and pain free thoughts! Please let us know what the doctor says….

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you so much for the concern and this lovely comment. You are so kind to me.

      I did go and my doc took my blood. She told me to go home and rest, as if I had a virus. Drink lots of fluids even if (especially if) I’m still throwing up. She echoed Kitty’s comment too…wondered if it all might be setting off some anxiety which is causing everything to pile up on me.

      I’m going home now and I’ll have a hot bath (to hell with the sweats) and drink fluids until I fall asleep. Tomorrow is another day, I suppose.

      (My doc is really concerned for me. She won’t let me fall through the cracks, I hope. If she does I feel no way about calling and presenting at her clinic) xx

  3. KittyHere says :

    The pill may indeed help or some other hormone treatment Not on anything right now in that arena but I have been in the past. Plus I am sure you know various types/classes of antidepressants can help with peri-menopaus/hormone imbalance side effects.

    Dare I say that while we know you have concrete physical issues that pain and frustration might likely be setting off panic and anxiety too. And that mix of causes takes a mighty smart and compassionate physician to diagnose.

    Just a B.S. in Music Ed here so …

    Don’t expect D to really relate too much, my s.o. would not be able to either.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks Kitty. I don’t really expect D to relate I was just being grumpy about the fact that he was dismissing me. I have to force myself to remember he’s a man…a ‘fixer’. He’s trying to give me answers I can cope with and I appreciate it when I get over myself a little.

      My doc took my bloods and will call me tomorrow if anything seems off. She said that it could be viral. I’ll just take it easy and sip water until then. D’s already picked up some gatorade just in case i’m dehydrated. I don’t mind getting sick at home, so much (kinda used to it) so I’ll get more down.

      Made it thru Tuesday. Three more to go. xox

  4. Pete says :

    My sweet twin xo
    I’ve read the next post and the sooner the basics in the bloods as sorted the better. I’m also the patient that cops the bizarre side effects, some not even said before, and with my meds and the ‘odd’ beer my Liver Function is checked, especially The GGT lol. I’m with you here Grainne and seeing I just had my stomach scoped last week (N.A.D) yours might need checking out too.
    All my hugs and gentle kisses.

    Pete xo

    • Grainne says :

      Okay you. One of the two of us had to start getting healthy or we’ll both see our graves much earlier than planned! The scope…god…that sounds like fun. My bladder scope is coming up. Maybe with you going from the top down and me from the bottom up we’ll figure something out. ha.

      xx Much love.

      • Pete says :

        Oh boy you kill me Grainne, you have the same black humour as me!
        Yes I’m drinking water now for a while and not beers with my meds for quite a while. For my stomach scope they put me under really slowly and at one point it was like Nirvana and felt so lovely that I told the anaesthetist “Please stay there I feel so free!” Alas he laughed and said he couldn’t and then I slowly went out. Good luck with your bladder scope, so weird huh, opposites, but the same. Sweetheart we have to sort this whole thing out and somehow manage to both get well 🙂

        Pete xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: