It went well! (was a great day until I got to work)
I did it. Last night was the award dinner and I went. I made up my mind, literally, that morning but once I decided to go I stuck with it. I drove myself there (was worried about finding parking for some reason so tried to crap out and get D to drive me lol), found my way and didn’t regret it.
When I got there, I was the first from my department and, while waiting, I was approached by several of the VP’s who were there to present. They know me from meetings and such and it was really nice that so many of them came to congratulate me. They really took it very seriously, this event.
I saw all sort of leaders and colleagues and I did the walk around and network thing for a while. My director, although not fond of me, was kind and didn’t ignore me, at least. Our VP came too…it was a lovely gesture since he had just flown in from a business trip, drove right to the event to support us. There were four of us in our department … big group, considering. The VP actually gave me a hug, which was a bit weird. He’s not the type at all yet, there it was. I walked over to him to say thanks and goodnight at the end of the presentations and I reached out to shake his hand but he opened his arms to me. I paused for a split second and then hugged him. Why the hell not right? Lol. Everyone was staring at me, a bit weirded out. I was worried for a while that I had misread the signal but I’m sure I didn’t. I think he hugged me because the interview I did was really good. 🙂 (yay me!)
The video was good too. They were really professional and I wasn’t embarrassed at my parts, thank god. I didn’t sound like an idiot, I spoke slowly and clearly and my answers had impact. I was happy with it. Of course I didn’t love the way I looked but that didn’t really matter somehow. It was my words that made the impact. Kinda cool. I didn’t even make the blooper reel! lol…such a perfectionist. (I was proud of that). I totally had my “speaking accent” going. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that here…
When I’m public speaking I rarely get nervous. I like people. I like talking. Works out well most times. I do, though, have a weird accent that comes on when I’m trying to be professional (or when I’m really relaxed and enjoying myself). It’s a hard one to pin down because I can’t tell when I’m doing it. Some say it sounds like Boston…some say New York but it’s not that, I’m sure. I think it’s a hybrid between the Scottish accent I must have picked up from my foster family, my natural accent and…I dont’ know what. It’s funny though, I’ll sometimes say something and the whole room will turn.
“Oh what a unique accent! Where are you from?” They often ask.
Okay, well that was a short lived nice day. My office neighbour has just steamrolled over a project of mine…disagreed with me publicly and cc’d the whole fucking team. Awesome. This one is usually nice to me too. Can I possibly be this shitty at my job? Seriously? There is just not an ounce of respect around here. 😦 Was feeling good and got cut down again.
I’ll just focus on my new direction I suppose. Had a little weep in the bathroom so I’ve got a headache blazing again. It’s amazing to me how much these things affect me inside. I don’t hate on myself but I do get slammed with doubt. Maybe I can’t do this. I’m not sure how I’ve managed to get away with it for a decade…I wonder if I’ve always done a crap job. (How did I keep getting promoted? Ha. Chameleon. I can look like I fit in anywhere.
There are still some people here who like me in the organization. I’m going to try to surround myself with them. Up down up down…Such is life eh? I have a splitting headache…