Not Miserable – Just Kind of …. Sad

I woke up this morning running.  I was dreaming, again, of half my stuff being packed into a truck, half my stuff still held hostage inside (the place isn’t clear as I no longer seem to live anywhere in my dreams.  Been sleeping in a tent in the quarry).  D was with me….we were arguing about whether we’d taken the ‘right’ half.  Bags of old, dirty clothes that no one ever wore cluttered up space for things we needed.  :S  It was … not stressful really, just…quite common.

I was awake most of the night, thinking.  People were randomly popping into my head….folks I’ve done terrible things to.  Like Adam.  God, poor Adam…that’s his real name too.  I hope one day he somehow happens upon this … ugh..maybe I don’t.  I don’t know.  Anyway.  When I was … 14 ? I hung around with a girl called Constance.  She was abused, unwanted and in about the same boat I was so we made great confidants.  (My foster family *hated* her which also sweetened the pot for me at times).  She met and dated Adam for about a year..maybe more…my life changed a year later and I no longer had a home or lived in the same town as her so we grew apart.  Adam took a shine to me and, even then, I had a naturally tolerant way with people so I was easily able to entertain his odd quirks.  Adam had a mouth on him and not much sense as a kid.  He would make outrageously poorly chosen statements in the exact wrong company every time he opened his mouth.  A favourite game of his was to grab my rear end or grab my face and kiss me on the lips to prove some sort of ownership.  He wanted to be with me badly, but, took what he could get, like so many others.  😦  I knew this.  I always knew this, so when we reconnected the year I moved away from the city (happened to move to the same city he was living in) I just kind of fell back into the routine with him.  I didn’t exactly ever want to hang out with him but I didn’t dislike him so…played along?  This makes me feel so sick….this absent feeling of tolerance but not love…  He carried on with his stupid behaviour in front of his (very young) girlfriend and my new boyfriend until she left him and my guy nearly planted him in the ground.  K was a tall, willowy guy…not really a fighter but wow did Adam ever piss him off.

Adam got married to a woman the same year my marriage fell apart with Harry.  I was their MC…and that was the second to last time I ever saw them.  I did not want his poor wife having to deal with his weird behaviour and overpowering love for me (not “in love”…as friends by this point, I think) and I didn’t want Adam to fuck up my next relationship, were I to ever find one again.

He would call me once a week and leave the same message on my work phone.

“Hey you, it’s me, Adam.  I love you and I miss you so much.  Would you please just call me back to let me know you’re okay?  If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine but I miss you so much.  You’re my best friend.”

Over and over and over.  Guilt would just drown me nearly every time but I never answered.  He called for years but finally stopped about three or four years back.  I don’t know why.

I could have taken him or not, been friends or not, cared for him or not…it didn’t seem to matter.  Doesn’t seem…I mean.  I don’t miss him…don’t really think of him that often aside from feeling a wave of guilt now and then..hoping he’s doing okay and enjoying life.  He had a lovely little girl with his wife and I know she’ll be the centre of his universe.  Adam will always protect her…be good to her.  I’m glad they have each other.

I am sorry, Adam, that I never quite properly cared.

*****************************************************

Childhood friend, Gillian.  Gill was my foster father’s best friend’s little girl.  My dad and his friend (and their wives) actually came over to this country in the 70’s together…they were from the same town in the UK, had known each other for years.  Gillian and I were close in age and we were best friends.  We would drive up to see them every long weekend and sometimes on regular weekends too.  We spent every Christmas with them…magic, those years were.  Gill and I would be running around, staying up all night having a ball, while the ‘adults’ would drink and play board games late into the night.  I knew Gill from the time I can remember until I was turfed from the house.  We never quite reconnected after that.

Facebook happened and Gillian found me, back when I had a profile, years ago.  We emailed for a while then, one lovely evening, we shared a glass of wine and a few hours on the phone.  She ended up by saying she knew she had found me again for a reason…her best friend in life.  Her husband had recently left her for a younger woman….up and split while she was pregnant with their second little one.  I was happy to be around for her.

Two days after we spoke she called me in tears.  Her mum had died unexpectedly.  I remember her mum so well…she was sweet, soft, kind, loving woman.  She always called me “lamb” and I loved her so much when I was a kid.  She actually gave hugs now and then.  I called Gill back and asked her if she needed me…she said no…there was a lot of family around and she didn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable spot.

We never talked again.

She emailed me a few times but I didn’t reply.  I’m not really sure why.  I’ve never really known why.

************************************************

There are so many of these stories in my head.  There are so many people left behind.  Why don’t I care?  I should care…shouldn’t I?  Don’t I have a soul?  A heart?  😦  How can I be friends with people then just stop….for whatever reason.  I changed jobs, moved away, whatever….it all halts.  My last department…here at work, I was friends with a few of the secretaries there.  They all tried to keep in touch (except for the two I actually tried to keep in touch with.  Those two won’t return my email for whatever reason) but after a year or so of being blown off, they stopped.  I know there are some hurt feelings out there and not one of those people deserve to feel that way.  They were all good to me.
I use people like tissues don’t I?  If I happen to be lonely and people are around, I get along with them until they like me and then come and go as I please?

W-o-w.  I can’t quite believe this is me.  How miserable.  

I’m in a lot of pain today and tonight is that awards dinner I’ve been dreading.  Can’t wait until this day is over and I’m home in my room, on my couch, drifting off to sleep.

So now that I have the anxiety and such under control I get to deal with the attachment issues head on.  Might as well feel it all at once and not drag it out for years.  Can’t afford the therapy for that one.  (sigh)

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Not Miserable – Just Kind of …. Sad”

  1. erinkingreitz says :

    It’s not just you. Most people in my life have come and gone without leaving so much as a footprint. It’s my disease, and that’s ok. The people I do love, I love fiercely. As for the rest? Eh, I’m nice to the ones who are nice to me. Fuck the rest.

  2. Pete says :

    Go to your dinner Grainne and hold your head up high! You have been so damn good and kind and loving to people because that’s your nature. The ones that drop out of your life, well bugger them.
    I’m here, we’re tied together for life wether you like it or not kiddo,

    Love you twin,

    Pete xo

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