It’s Everywhere…

You know that this attachment deal affects the way I feel about myself too?  I know that sounds a bit messed up (lolol..a bit, yeah sure Grainne…just a pinch!) but it’s true.

When I was dating my ex husband I had all sorts of gynecological trouble (won’t detail it here, worry not).  I would bleed, a lot, after sex and sometimes just for no reason at all.  I’d be standing there, not anywhere near time for my cycle and would suddenly feel like I was wetting my pants with blood.  I learned to be prepared all the time, just in case.  I went to the doctor dozens of times and had so many pap tests the Government stopped paying for them and sent me a bill wondering if I was indulging in some sort of fetish.  (not really, but they did try to bill me).  Nothing ever came back as concerning, but then, the tests were usually inconclusive.  It went on for years until pain started to accompany the blood.  I was finally referred to a specialist who had me up in stirrups for less than 30 seconds before he diagnosed me.  I had fairly advanced cervical dysplasia which, if left untreated, develops into cervical cancer.

The news didn’t phase me.  I said “oh!” and asked if it could be treated.  I had to go in for laser surgery to blast out the abnormal cells and while waiting for that appointment, I had plenty of time to ponder the situation.  My foster mother cried on the phone when I told her.  I was absolutely astounded.  It didn’t seem like a reason to cry to me.  It was just my stupid body.

When I told my ex husband he also burst into tears.  I blew it off and dragged him to the bus stop so we could go home.  I have a strange way of passing out after things like that…only to do with my cervix somehow.  Pregnancy cleared that up for me but then, I wasn’t so acclimatised.  I nearly fainted on the bus and he panicked!!!  I had to somehow keep him calm, keep myself conscious and get off the bus…..I managed.  Got home, slept for ages while my ex sobbed in a chair across the room.

It did not, even once, occur to me that I should be upset or frightened.  I didn’t worry about it…did not’ think about it, actually.  I suspect it was really dissociation in a way, but I didn’t feel the need to spend any energy on the whole experience.  I got the surgery, things cleared up and that was that.  It’s just now, recent months, that I can see what happened there.

I didn’t care about getting raped either.  It didn’t make me angry.  I didn’t feel like someone had taken something from me.   I felt worthless, but that was common throughout my experiences as a kid.

I didn’t care about getting hurt physically.  I remember fire flashing in my eyes while I stood my full four feet and, hands on hips, stood up to my father.  I would sometimes pick at him until he blew, just to get it over with.  I would cry myself to sleep, but really, it wasn’t because he hurt me.  It was because he didn’t love me.

Dear god.  I am such a mess.  I did learn from my stupid mother.  I learned to ignore everything that’s important and pay exaggerated attention to things that don’t fucking matter.  *closes eyes*

Please, day, just fly by.  I need so much to sleep.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “It’s Everywhere…”

  1. ~meredith says :

    Isn’t it weird how we totally disassociate from our senses when it relates to old trauma? When I broke my leg last winter, I slipped my leg into a boot, wrapped the laces tightly to hold it in place, then crawled in the house. I didn’t tell my wife the leg was broken until the next day because we were supposed to go to a party that night. I didn’t go… but whooooo… the break seemed to release the full well of old pain for the next three months. Dang.

    I hope you heal thoroughly… with gold stars, instead of scars.

    Meredith

    • Grainne says :

      Wow…that sounds so much like me. I’d probably wait until the break set before I went in making everything ten times worse for myself. I’m a master at making things more costly than they need be. haha…gotta watch myself with that.

      Thank you for the comment, and for reading. Helps so much to know you’re out there..

  2. rootstoblossom says :

    I’m the same way, I just expect something to be wrong with my stupid body and just do what needs done. I remember being so annoyed when Hubby and my mom took off work and came to the hospital when I was having a cyst removed from my ovary. I thought it was no big deal at all and wanted to be alone. I’m very grumpy and do NOT want to talk about anything when I’m hurting. Just give me my earphones and go away! lol I’m never sure if this is disassociating exactly for me, or just minimizing my own importance or suffering like that. It’s hard to let people care about us.

    and your last part – ” I learned to ignore everything that’s important and pay exaggerated attention to things that don’t fucking matter. ” yes wow that applies to me big time. I can get paralyzed into non-action, sent into hiding from the oddest little things, and spurred into action by things that should actually scare me. And knowing that I do these things does not prevent me from doing these things, such amazing creatures we are!

  3. erinkingreitz says :

    We do what must be done to get through, it’s simple as that. Chin up, love. *hugs*

  4. Pete says :

    So much pain I can relate to Not the cervical one!) but the others. Grainne we have the same sense of black humour getting us through such tough lives neither of us deserved.
    You crack me up so much at times ” the Government stopped paying for them and sent me a bill wondering if I was indulging in some sort of fetish.” I laughed at that!
    But to all the other stuff I can only say I truly do love you sweet twin xo

    • Grainne says :

      lolol…you always get my humour. xx Laugh or cry…might as well be smiling. *hugs* Thanks for being there for me Pete. D sends his thanks too. 🙂

      • Pete says :

        No worries, it really helps when you know someone else really well and their meds are almost exactly to yours and the pain is probably 85% similar!
        Cheers Dan, look after your little princess, being in 24/7 pain and fatigue for life is just that, ‘a life sentence’ and it becomes really hard to take at times!
        Take care Sis,

        Pete xo

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