Last night I got home from work after completing a very trying meeting with the director. My new job has been started and I’m learning the new systems every other day while still doing work for the group in my old job while they source out a replacement. There’s a high security level for this job because I deal with the Coroner and patient deaths so they need to find someone like me…no criminal record, clean driving record, balanced finances. Takes a while. Anyway, I’m trying not to take too much to heart but I want my name cleared before I go so it’s hard.
Yesterday I was swept up in a snotty email exchange with my director. I gave him all the info he needed to answer a question of mine (which was posed last week and he didn’t bother responding) but after several exchanges between us he sent off a snotty message to the VP of that area saying he needed a phone conference with them as the “Information was unclear…” Well. Fuck you Charlie. The info was right *there* and he ignored it. Them makes me the scapegoat. Nice eh?
While that little bit of fun was going on I started getting strange emails from one of the chairs. He was scolding me for meetings popping into the middle of his clinics. NONE of these had a thing to do with me or my office, but, he doesn’t really care for semantics and such. Anyway, the message came from his secretary, actually, and she reiterated the same scheduling rules I’ve been following for a year and a half like they were all new. I thanked her for the info and communication, assured her I’d not break the rules as set. Then, hours later he pops his own thoughts on top of the email. He was pointing out, clearly, that when he is off or away, that times is to come from his admin time, not clinical. Sooo that leaves me without any days to book him on weeks that he’s away. Whatever. If that’s what he wasn’t he may have it, hands down. The note went on to explain how I was not to book mon/tues/fri and that some clinics were being added to Thursdays, so if I were to see one, it means nothing else can be booked that day. The man chairs six committees, none of which meet on Wednesday. Hmm…tricky, but again WHATEVER. It’s his time, not mine.
I simmered on that all day then wrote a note on my way out. It was intelligent, clear and stated that I understood his time constraints, I never booked into his clinics as a hard and fast rule, unless the issue was clearly urgent and there were zero other options. Thought it would make him feel heard and know I understood. His response absolutely baffled me.
“X and X days are MY time and I can choose what I want to do with them. I can accept or decline. A lack of planning on your part does not constitute urgency”
Wait what?? So, in response to my professional note indicating I was in full agreement and understood, he want tosses that shit in my face? I mean WOW… first off, none of these fucking meetings came from my office. There is an entire senior leadership team here! The man has agreed to chair FIVE fucking committees I have zero control over. These are the meetings, mostly, that interrupt his clinics, not ME. Not MINE. I don’t even get copied on them half the time.
What a dick!
SO I was in tears at the end of yesterday, trying to keep it together. I cried all the way home. D picked Colt up for me…he told me he loved me by text. Drew was sending regular messages telling me I was okay, cared for…. I thought I’d be okay once I got home and thought things through. Drew was lovely to me, as always. Offered hugs, a shoulder…said he didn’t care what state I was in he wanted to hang out with me. Said if I wanted to call and not talk, even, just have someone on the line who cares (tears) he’d do that. I don’t deserve his friendship….not even by half, but I was so grateful.
D came in and sat with me. Asked me what happened. I explained the above and he went off about director and boss. Went all worst case on me…saying it’s obvious someone has gone behind my back and sullied my reputation with director, etc. He also told me that I had been too snotty in my dealings with director and now this was the punishiment…I think he called it a “Shitpile mess”. I cried then…noooo god no please don’t sit there and confirm how horrible I am…how little I deserve this job and how much I deserve the discord. D looked me in the eye, while tears cascaded down my face, and said:
“Well I’m just telling you what EVERYONE is seeing but you. You’re being a huge bitch and this is all your own damn fault!”
*que hysterics* I cried and yelled at him to fuck off and leave me alone. Told him the last thing I needed was to feel worse about myself at that moment. I pulled my hoodie over my head and flopped onto the back room couch, closed my eyes and set about escaping. Rather than drift away and dissociate, I just went to sleep.
I woke this morning (well, woke constantly, all night) feeling like I’d been run over by a truck. The pain is back and bad again, the headache from crying, the vomiting that follows. .. it was a hard night. D apologized this morning (as did I. I kind of went overboard) and is feeling guilty enough to offer to bring me coffee, which I’d really enjoy right about now. I have no make up on, my eyes are swollen nearly closed…I want to hide under my desk really.
I called a meeting with the director for this afternoon to address this most recent exchange with the boss. Figure I might as well keep him in the loop before the fireworks start. Can hardly fucking wait.
So yeah. Mood. Blah. Body. Blah. Pain, killing me. Two hate mail from M sitting in my inbox, unopened. I just cannot bring myself to swallow that hurt today. Maybe tomorrow. I guess it’s a good thing that I’m not desperate for his attention eh? I don’t think I’ve ever ignored a message from him.
Ah well. Will update you after the meeting with director. Should be a ball.
Tags: Arthritis, attachment, attachment disorder, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, CPTSD, Depression, Detachment, mental illness, relationships, Sadness, sleep, unhappy, working with mental illness