What is wrong with me?!

I posted yesterday after three failed attempts and finally, having got to the truth of the matter, I left it up there for all of two hours and then ripped it down again, terrified that people might actually read it and realize how….what?  Messed up I am?

There are now two email sitting in my inbox from M.  I’m thinking there’s a 80/20 chance that the contents are nasty and will hurt in some stupid way so I’m not even tempted to open them.  I don’t want to delete them though, in case he never communicates with me again.  I’ll always wonder what his last and final words were.  It doesn’t really matter though.  The only person he cares about is him.  I swear, he could fall in love with his reflection if given a day with nothing to do and enough amphetamines.  Anyway.

So I hurt my friend MH.  I know I did…I’ve probably been doing it for years now.  I haven’t figured out my way out of that yet.  I will…I need to make it up to him somehow.  I cannot stand to think of such a kind, compassionate man hurting because I’ve been unclear.  Especially if my purposes were to keep him around.  (But wait, I do love him….is it still a farce if I actually feel something for the person?)

Want to hear more horrible?  D and I have been talking and even though he doesn’t believe I have an actual attachment to him, he’s thinking he might just be okay with that for the rest of our lives.  This is difficult information for me to process.  He doesn’t believe I love him properly (I’m not sure what that means either).  He sat there for years while I poured my soul out to another, waited while I fell apart and got back together a dozen times, went through years of therapy and endless medication trials only to end up physically ill in the end, and now he’s looking me straight in the eye and telling me that he’s always known I never formed a proper attachment to him, BUT….he’s not going anywhere.  When you toss in the arguments and discord around Colt and how we choose to raise/discipline/teach him… Is there something wrong with this man?  Why in the world would he stay?

There is a sense of obligation in there that shines like a candle and I can’t seem to look away.  I think he thinks he has to take care of me.  I asked him, flat out, this morning if it was true.  He blinked, paused and said:

“Well….if I don’t, who else is going to do it?”

Huh.  Good point.  I doubt I’ll fare too well on my own.  I think that’s nice of him…very kind.  We do have a hell of a history together but I still don’t understand.  I suffer from pockets of deep (annoying in behaviour) depression, I get irritable and edgy, I can hear the malice in my voice at times when I bark at D for never understanding.  I have gone from a zero sex drive to overdrive with a freaking Hemi and back again in the time we’ve been intimate alone, not even including the last four years or so when I spent ALL of my time curled around my laptop talking to M and escaping into fantasy worlds on my computer and in my head.  All the while there was a house to keep and a son to raise…I did my bit but he did much more than his share…still does.  Every day.  I still whine and ask him to get Colt at the end of the day because I don’t want to see people I don’t have to, complain when he has to work a Saturday and I have to take Colt to swimming lessons….hell, I even moped around for 20 minutes last night because we didn’t have any Pepsi.  I think I was trying to manipulate him into going to the store.  He caught on and completely ignored me…lol.  I’d do the same, in truth, so I wasn’t offended at all.

I freak out randomly in busy stores and public places; something very innocuous can set me to a frantic pace in moments and ruin our day.  I dream of terrible things and scream for help in my sleep but if he touches me I turn into a feral animal, biting and clawing, desperately trying to get away from the invisible assailant in my dream.

Then….there’s the endless pain.  The pain that no one seems to be bothered to fix but me.  The pain that is seriously limiting my abilities to function, hold down a full-time job, full-time parent and deal with the rest of life.  I sleep almost nonstop at home…if allowed, I’d likely go to bed on Friday evening and not get up until Monday.  It’s the guilt of not being a part of Colt’s life that rouses me.  D knows that too….I don’t ever get up for him.  (wow)

So, he gets to watch me suffer emotionally, physically while awake and while asleep.  He gets to watch and support Colt as he struggles along his way as well.  He has to deal with his own anger issues and his own lack of self-worth as he works for peanuts and desperately tries to hold us together as a family, all the while, he gets no love from me.  He knows, or rather, thinks he knows, that I don’t feel it the right way.  The way he tells it, it’s like he gets bursts of affection from me when I’m getting what I want.  (Omgomgomg that makes me want to vomit … am I really like that?) He’s left to pick up the pieces though.  All of them.  Who would want that?

I think he’s staying because it’s easier to live with what you know than the unknown.  A lot of folks fall into this trap, I know, but I’m not wanting to ruin his life.  Well, any more than I already have, I mean.

Men talk to me because they want something from me.  Some want attention, some want sex, some want a relationship.  Some are looking for a soul mate or even just that exciting spark of something new.  I reel em in when I need to…when I feel lost and lonely and completely undesirable.  I don’t do it will ill intent…I actually just go looking for friends.  I seek out someone to comfort.  I know I’m really good at it and I know nearly anyone would appreciate it.  Where I mess up is in the conversation following when I fail to set appropriate boundaries.

Example.  I met a great guy on the writing website.  He is close to my age, has an autistic son, and is actually a spec ed teacher by trade!  We shared a ton of laughs…loads of talks.  One day he vanished on me and I came to find out he’d been having a relationship nightmare of his own.  I was instantly there to support him and soon he was writing me daily.  Just a “hello” or “how are you” but there was always some sort of contact.  One day, though, poof…gone again.  I try not to make that difficult, the leaving, but it hurt this time, that he just stopped writing one day (after a year or so of friendship).  He returned a while later to tell me that he had gotten to attached to me and needed to step back.  Okay.  Cool…I appreciate that and all but what the hell does that mean for the future?  I suppose we can’t be friends now can we?  There will always be that weird blip and things will never quite be clear.  I think that happened to MH too.  It starts when they want to save me and ends when hurt them.

Here’s the issue:  I get confused between sexual, emotional and spiritual connections.  Ehh…not quite but something in that area.  It’s not like I didn’t know, MH say, was interested sexually.  He asked a few times if we could mess around online and I was polite and firm.  Didn’t want to, didn’t like it, wasn’t interested…makes me wildly uncomfortable, for some reason.  He’s such a gentleman he didn’t even flinch, just went right on with our regularly scheduled program.  So…what should I have done there?  Should I have sat him down and humiliated both of us by explaining that I wanted him to want me in his life without sex being involved.  It’s not an easy conversation when you’ve been ignoring an important bit of info for several years, trying to keep things going.

I set myself up to feel abandoned, I think.  I allow something sexual to take form and then arrest it before it matures into something real.  Then I sit around and get to wonder why no one wants to be my friend  (No!!  No I DON’T!  I know why things don’t work.  People don’t like me….men like me because I’m pretty and have a good figure…I can detach from my own needs so well I can play *any* role in the bedroom).  I can use that to catch pretty much any man’s eye.  It’s the only thing I’ve ever done well that always works (always).  I don’t know how to separate myself from it.  ……

I mean, my father….I was a shit daughter, a shit person, a shit sister a terrible human being, really.  I was hated and punched, kicked…I remember learning how to protect my head by rolling into a ball on the floor while he threw me around the room.  So many times…flying thought the air…crash into the wall, try to hide  under the furniture until he got mad enough to start moving it.  Couches piled in one corner…my sad little body trembling in a ball in the corner.

But you know when he loved me?

Do you know when he wanted me in his life?  When he paid me compliments and told me what a good girl I was?  The ONLY time I felt like I wasn’t hated in that home?  Yeah.  I have very unsettling memories from the middle of the night of being told I was a gift from God while he did things that hurt, down there.  He was always rough…and drunk, so things took ridiculously long before they were over, but still.  He’d smile at me with love in his eyes and I actually started to strive for it….tried to get him to love me by acting sexually inappropriately when I was just a little wee girl.  I’m stuck in a memory from when I was six right now.  {I had a yellow birthday dress my mom bought me and it made me feel like a princess.  It had layers of gauzy fabric and was hemmed with sunflowers and butterflies along the rim.  If I twirled it would balloon out like a parasol.  I loved it so much….he loved it too so when he was mad at me I’d rush to my room and put it on for him, hoping it would change his mood.  I think the only time I ever saw my mom cry over the things he did to me was when I ran to my room in hysterics to get it….pull it on over my head with tears and snot streaking the lovely fabric….trembling in front of him too afraid to look up to read his face}.

Fuck. Is there *any* end to this bullshit?  I’d say I’ll only make female friends in the future but I do the same damn thing with them.  Maybe I shouldn’t have any friends at all.  That might make the delineation easier in my head.

I feel very….alone.  Maybe that’s how it should be though.  I sure as hell dont’ know.  😦

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “What is wrong with me?!”

  1. rootstoblossom says :

    Wow. brave post. and so much in here. You’re not alone, even when you feel like you are. I’m so sorry for the hurting girl inside you. I finally figured out that some people actually love us, and it doesn’t matter how messed up we are. Try to understand that you were abused, but you are not your abuse. Terrible things happened, but you are not terrible. I keep going back to that too. It’s so hard, be good to yourself. xx

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you, so much. You are always the one who seems to understand the things I say as if they happened to you (because they do, happen to you, I suppose). Thanks for taking the time to comfort me when you’re struggling yourself. Here for you too, should you need a friend. xox

  2. Mental Mama says :

    Oh honey… You’re a good person, you just haven’t been taken care of right for a long time. D does his bit, but you wouldn’t be spending time with other men if he was really being a husband and I think you know it.

    Are you getting psych help and meds right now?

    • Grainne says :

      One thing I love is being called out….seriously. You’re right…regardless of how I’d like to see it. D and I were not together for quite a few years as a couple. That’s when M came into things and, now that he’s been exited for a year, D has been circling again…hoping for another, better chance. I don’t think I ever made that very clear here because I didn’t really know what it meant? Who stays in the same house and pretends they were never a couple….we said it was for Colton but really, I think we were just too tired to make a change.

      Thanks Mama. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I haven’t a clue what I’m actually looking for. xox

      • Mental Mama says :

        It’s way easier to see from the outside, particularly if you’ve been there before. Rob and I didn’t have a child to keep us together, so eventually we just realized it was time to stop pretending and move on with our lives.

  3. Pete says :

    Grainne you’ll always have an unconditional friend in me. I love you for your words, our mutual pain/fatigue/abuse, and for your beautiful, loving, caring ways. I will never hurt you, like M, get rid of him he’s driving you mad!! Dan loves you I’m sure but he says some dickhead things sometimes that’s all.
    I’m genuine and really care for you, hold that in your heart always sweet twin.

    Pete xo

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