So yeah. It’s Monday. I woke worried about that stupid awards dinner I have to go to later this week, the long service celebration deal. They’ve used all of my takes in the video presentation and the assistant over there said I looked “adorable” and that my smile was as lovely as ever. I really appreciate that woman…she’s so good to me. Anyway….because I was honoured that way, I feel somewhat silly sharing a table with my director who has yet to say anything but “did you follow-up?” for the last two weeks. He avoided me entirely for one week (even used the bathroom on the floor below so he didn’t have to pass my office) and when he did decide to talk to me it was only to say those four words. *Wham* to the ego. Thanks ever-so-much for your wonderful leadership, dickhead. 😦
So now I’m up in the air on attending again. Exactly 49% of me thinks I should go, tell him to shove it (in my head, not aloud…lol) and enjoy myself. I DID work hard to get here and I’ve been here a decade. It’s mine to celebrate, not his. The other 49% says I’ll just feel humiliated and embarrassed, sitting there with him likely gunning me off across the table. That 2% in the middle is what’s going to decide for me. I’m tempted to reach out to him and ask how we can improve things but I’m not sure how to do that without getting into it all again. Too early to decide yet. Will be thinking on that. (ha! Speak of the devil. He just walked past my office, head down, no ‘good morning’….charging along to go pee. I’ll bet you he stops to say hi to my office neighbour on the way back…will let ya know!. Sigh) I’ve started to transition to my new job though, so, not nearly as stressful as the previous weeks have been. I just need to keep my head up and my motion forward and soon enough I’ll be done with this department and onto a new adventure.
M wrote me. I’ve been avoiding my email … I doubt he bothered to read anything here (he never did, even when he claimed to love me). Things are just too temperamental in my life right now. I don’t want to be kicked into a downward spiral while struggling to stay above water as it is. First smart decision I’ve made all day, I think.
Getting ready for work, things spinning in my brain, I had half convinced myself director was right, I’m shit at this job. He told me that the last god-complex who walked through the door complained about me too…I’m struggling to figure out what that one was about, but in doing so I’ve started to remember little things. A meeting that didn’t get booked immediately, a reimbursement that took a while to reach its owner, a delay in receiving business cards. Silly, little administrative things that got put to the side so I could attend to the bigger picture. I am at fault for those things 100% so I think I’d have to take accountability for all of them, were I to address the issue and force director into a resolution. My office neighbour told me he did the same to everyone…that he is so averse to confrontation he’d do anything to avoid it. I see her point there…I forced him to meet with me, to explain his side. I didn’t understand why he suddenly didn’t trust me to follow-up. When that happened, he basically told me he NEVER trusted me. Ah. Okay then….picture clear. So, pain aside, I was shit before it all began and he’s just not bothered to say anything until now.
This is why honesty is so damn important to me. Had M been honest in the first two years we could have saved each other a hell of a lot of heartache. Had D been honest, things would have likely gone better for all three of us, Him Colt and I. Had my foster parents been honest I’d not have been so surprised to find out they didn’t really love me. Hell, I can almost include everyone I’ve ever known in this category. I wish that people came with a colour indicator on their foreheads. Green means they like you, yellow means neutral, red means fuck off. Then I’d never have to guess. I’m almost always wrong, when I guess anyway.
Aside from work, and people, I’m not doing too badly. The pain simmered down again *yay!* so I’m coping with everything better. I had a relaxing weekend and D calmed some, after things started to go his way at work. He’s been quick to start for weeks now and although I’m giving him a huge amount of leeway, there are still pockets of aggression to be expressed. He made up for it this morning though, when he got me up early, gave me a little neck rub to help kill the headache down a bit, got Colt up, dressed, fed and ready to go, and ran my car to the gas station for a quick fill up so I could start my week with ease. I needed that this morning, all that extra help. I love it when we work together so well without all the yelling.
Oh…also, because I felt so guilty for being dismissive (inside only, not a touch of it outside) with my coworker who recently lost her dad, I brought in a little mug with flowers for her and left it on her desk. I texted her letting her know I was around if she needed a break or a place to come hide (have my own office, she does sits in a cubical farm). She’s not answered me and I know she’s down there as I parked next to her in the lot. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. I sent her a little note nearly every day to let her know I was thinking of her, like my friend Drew does for me when I’m right out of commission. I know how hard it is to talk to people when you’re feeling so lost so I didn’t think a thing of it. I get the feeling she’s upset with me but have no way to know so….I guess I just sit here and wait for her to come to me? Is that rude? *shakes head* Another thing too complex to be figuring out before noon on a Monday.
Ah well. Off to do some paperwork. Might as well see if I can’t get time moving a little here so I can get back home asap.
About GrainneMy name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)
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