I’m not even sure I’m human, tonight

A friend…coworker of mine just lost her dad. I feel sad for her…he was sick with cancer but i don’t think she had really accepted it as she was always flippant and dismissive when I asked after him. Eventually, I stopped asking.

He died while she was away on a trip and she sent me a text letting me know. I offered sincere condolences and asked her of there was anything I could do to help. She didn’t answer so I texted her the next day and the next, asking how she was holding up. She is quite devastated at his loss and told me so. She can’t believe he’s gone. I will continue to reach out to her so she knows she has someone who cares but she has many friends…I know she doesn’t really need me.

I was telling D about her tonight. To be upfront and fair, we’ve been arguing so it was likely poor timing. Still…I told him how odd it seemed to me, that she was struggling so hard to accept a parents death when they all knew he was dying. I mean even I knew and I had never met the man. (I know she was likely avoiding the issue because it was a frightening concept, I do get it.)

So she’s taken two weeks off work. She can’t eat or sleep and she can’t stop crying, she says. ***this is making me very anxious to write. I feel like such an inhuman freak***. She doesn’t know how to get past this time. I want to help but at the same I can’t stop thinking ‘seriously?’ I know he was her dad and that close family members are terrible to lose but is it really that devastating? It must just be the title. “Dad” must mean something else than what rings through my head at the sound of the word.

Really though. I know you get over shit like that. I’m not saying it’s not a very sad time and I know she will miss him always (because that’s what you do with family right?) but …. But nothing. That’s just me being weird. I know.

D shot me disgusted looks while he explained that the only reason I don’t “get it” is that I don’t get attached to anyone or anything, ever. He said it loud and used hand gestures. Nothing. Ever.

Really? (Does anyone understand how much I hate that he is right?). Is he right? No attachments at all? Not to him (no, he says. Our partnership has nothing to do with a relationship. We can be a couple or not, in love or not, good friends or not and it never matters. Our union doesn’t change). I choked on my tears when asked his thoughts on Colt. The question dried up before I spoke it as I recalled a blog post I read this afternoon.

The post was from an adoption blog I just started reading. It’s mainly blogs written by mothers who put their babies up for adoption…I thought I could gain some insight into how my mom might have felt, considering putting me up. I read about a woman who gave her firstborn daughter away and built walls to steel herself from the loss she was about to face, even before the baby was born. When she had her second, later in life, she found she was unable to bond. The memory of the loss had taught her to stay distant. I’ve never told anyone this but I had issues bonding with Colt. Granted, he was born a screaming, miserable, suffering mess, the poor child, and seemed to hate me, which made it even more difficult for both of us. He staunchly refused to call me mommy until he was around three. He screamed like I was killing him every time I tried to cuddle him and the first thing he learned to do, before he could lift his own head even, was to push my hand away. Breast feeding was interesting. Wow. I feel almost nothing but despair. What the hell is wrong with me ?

I feel like a shell. A carrier…an aborted soul. I’m here, but I’m not all here. I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so alone.

Maybe I am more messed up than I’ve ever let myself realize. Ah well. I don’t think I even give a shit about myself. How handy.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “I’m not even sure I’m human, tonight”

  1. greengrowsdark says :

    You are not weird or cold, probably messed up but that’s ok… I don’t know much about you but I have a feeling that you have learned to build a wall around you so you don’t get hurt by rejection and treason. It was a coping mechanism and you are still using it. You have trained your brain to protect you from danger but now that you are an adult and probably safer it’s still acting like you were in the same conditions. Good news! you can retrain you brain and questioning yourself about your lack of emotion (sadness and empathy) is a good start. And remember despair, rage, loneliness are all emotions too. You love your son, love is an emotion. And i’m pretty sure other people have already told you that but let me remind you that Colt’s reactions had nothing to do with you and usually autistic get overwhelmed and frustrate by their environment and because it’s hard for them to communicate they get even more frustrated. You probably were the person who had the most interactions with him so statistically speaking, you were the one more probable to witness these reactions.
    These are just assumptions and theories you are free to take them or not , the important thing is to keep on reminding yourself that you are a good a strong human being. XXX

    • Grainne says :

      Well thank you very much! I appreciate this so much…that you took the time not only to read my post but to craft such a poignant and kind comment.

      I hear you and I know you’re bang on about my little guy…I was the one home with him and we went through so much together including very scary medical visits so I wasn’t the one he wanted to be with most. He was very off with me for years….the thing was though, that his dad would walk in the door and he’s stop screaming, wanted to be picked up and cuddled by his dad. He would laugh when D tickled him with his scratchy beard. It was hard on all of us, that way. I felt so left out and unloved and I knew it wasn’t Colt’s fault by ANY means, but to watch him bond with his dad after screaming in my arms for 18 hours….whoo. That’s hard to ignore.

      All that said, I have a lovely bond with Colt now that he’s older. He loves me, I know, and I love him with all my heart. Love and attachment are two different things though, I’m beginning to learn.

      Thanks again for the positive thoughts and well wishes. xx

      • Pete says :

        Hang in there Grainne,

        You know I was obviously sent to find you or vice-versa. We have something that heck I find is unique and special. Cry on my shoulder when you’re sad, hug me tightly either way. Love you for a reason kiddo xo

        Your Twin, Pete xoxo

      • Grainne says :

        I love you too. xo Thanks Pete.

  2. Mental Mama says :

    Well I happen to give a shit about you and in these parts that accounts for a whole hell of a lot of nothing, thank you very much!

    I wish I had something more useful to offer than shitty humor, but I get attached to everyone and everything. I can’t even go inside my step daughter’s house when she’s fostering kittens for the animal shelter for fear I’ll want to bring one home.

    Some days it just doesn’t pay to chew through the leather restraints.

    • Grainne says :

      lol!!! You know….a smile like the one you just put on my face is worth a TON. I loved the thought of you bringing home bag fulls of kittens from your daughters place…lol. I’m the same with animals although it’s not attachment so much as I want to save them all. I would be a crazy cat lady if I didn’t have D and Colt around. lol.

      Thanks for the love. I needed it so much. ❤

  3. KittyHere says :

    You and I sometimes we just what to make everything better for everyone. Acknowledge that you are more in touch with expecting and handling loss than the friend “flipping out” because she is not “there” in terms of managing her own grief. Not tour job to solve her issues. Paddle your own canoe.

    I think D has his heart in the right place. Could he really be hoping you learn to ‘attach’ — like attach to him? Took a smart friend to make see when I feel my hubby is, in my eyes, being a bossy, control freak he honestly is just a scared little boy trying to keep my feet on the ground (not lapsing into hypo-mania’).

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