I’m not even sure I’m human, tonight
A friend…coworker of mine just lost her dad. I feel sad for her…he was sick with cancer but i don’t think she had really accepted it as she was always flippant and dismissive when I asked after him. Eventually, I stopped asking.
He died while she was away on a trip and she sent me a text letting me know. I offered sincere condolences and asked her of there was anything I could do to help. She didn’t answer so I texted her the next day and the next, asking how she was holding up. She is quite devastated at his loss and told me so. She can’t believe he’s gone. I will continue to reach out to her so she knows she has someone who cares but she has many friends…I know she doesn’t really need me.
I was telling D about her tonight. To be upfront and fair, we’ve been arguing so it was likely poor timing. Still…I told him how odd it seemed to me, that she was struggling so hard to accept a parents death when they all knew he was dying. I mean even I knew and I had never met the man. (I know she was likely avoiding the issue because it was a frightening concept, I do get it.)
So she’s taken two weeks off work. She can’t eat or sleep and she can’t stop crying, she says. ***this is making me very anxious to write. I feel like such an inhuman freak***. She doesn’t know how to get past this time. I want to help but at the same I can’t stop thinking ‘seriously?’ I know he was her dad and that close family members are terrible to lose but is it really that devastating? It must just be the title. “Dad” must mean something else than what rings through my head at the sound of the word.
Really though. I know you get over shit like that. I’m not saying it’s not a very sad time and I know she will miss him always (because that’s what you do with family right?) but …. But nothing. That’s just me being weird. I know.
D shot me disgusted looks while he explained that the only reason I don’t “get it” is that I don’t get attached to anyone or anything, ever. He said it loud and used hand gestures. Nothing. Ever.
Really? (Does anyone understand how much I hate that he is right?). Is he right? No attachments at all? Not to him (no, he says. Our partnership has nothing to do with a relationship. We can be a couple or not, in love or not, good friends or not and it never matters. Our union doesn’t change). I choked on my tears when asked his thoughts on Colt. The question dried up before I spoke it as I recalled a blog post I read this afternoon.
The post was from an adoption blog I just started reading. It’s mainly blogs written by mothers who put their babies up for adoption…I thought I could gain some insight into how my mom might have felt, considering putting me up. I read about a woman who gave her firstborn daughter away and built walls to steel herself from the loss she was about to face, even before the baby was born. When she had her second, later in life, she found she was unable to bond. The memory of the loss had taught her to stay distant. I’ve never told anyone this but I had issues bonding with Colt. Granted, he was born a screaming, miserable, suffering mess, the poor child, and seemed to hate me, which made it even more difficult for both of us. He staunchly refused to call me mommy until he was around three. He screamed like I was killing him every time I tried to cuddle him and the first thing he learned to do, before he could lift his own head even, was to push my hand away. Breast feeding was interesting. Wow. I feel almost nothing but despair. What the hell is wrong with me ?
I feel like a shell. A carrier…an aborted soul. I’m here, but I’m not all here. I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so alone.
Maybe I am more messed up than I’ve ever let myself realize. Ah well. I don’t think I even give a shit about myself. How handy.