Ha! I suck.

Grrrr.  Things have tumbled a bit out of control on me.  I have some friends (online) that I spend time with on that writing website…many of them I’ve known for years.  One of the longest comes and goes as she pleases however, when she’s upset and looking for support she tends to crucify people publicly, expressing her hurt.  I apologized for not being around when she needed a friend (yesterday) and received a snotty “Maybe next year” in response.  I know she’s hurting so I’m not going to poke it but wow….give me a freaking break already.  I can’t look after everyone at once can I?  Ah well.  She’ll get over if she really cares for me.  J did and I hurt her directly….I guess I’m starting to learn how to tell who is a good friend vs someone who is simply needing attention.

I said Good morning to another friend there and he didn’t reply until an hour later with an email asking what he’s done NOW…as if I’m forever telling him he’s in the wrong.  He gets his feelings hurt when not enough attention is paid…I try to let it go as I know the sort of things he feels but I get so tired, so fast, when I have to explain over and over.  *sigh*  I don’t understand people.

Now…that said, I have friends here that I don’t talk to every day (some I’ve not really talked to at all outside of my blog) and yet you people seem to still be okay with me.  I mean, Kitty, one of my best friends in life, is never angry with me for neglecting her.  I actually DO neglect our friendship at times, especially when things are really hard and yet she still cares.  That is a friend, in my books.  (I really do owe you better though K.  xoxox  I just hope you know how much I appreciate and care for you).

So I guess I let go of the others?  Let them go away thinking I’m a shit friend?  That is a big part of my issue with people, I’m starting to learn.  I don’t want to let them go thinking that I am something I am not.  I want them to know I actually, genuinely cared for them and am sorry I couldn’t be the one to hold them up every time they stumble.  Then again, I’m not entirely sure I want to be that sort of friend.  Maybe if there was no one depending on me I’d be freer to experience my own life?  (What a weird thought that is).

I cried again last night and, like last time, I was instantly in agony.  Even ten minutes of tears now causes a splitting headache, vomiting and exhaustion.  I lay down on the living room floor in front of the gas fireplace and fell asleep before D got home.  He woke me and I moved to the back room, fell asleep there.  Eventually he came to wake me there and I moved to the living room couch, crashed and woke at 1230 am.  I went up to bed then and slept until my alarm.  I couldn’t wake up…couldn’t function.  Tears = pain = uncontrollable fatigue.  Exactly the same as at work when I got raked over the coals two weeks back.  I thought it was panic.  Apparently, it was just tears.  Is that common?  Headaches like that after crying?  It’s always happened to me but never this bad.  Scary…I hate it when things go wrong like that near my brain.

The tattoo is healing up very nicely and I should be able to get a nice shot this weekend.  I can’t wait to take some pictures of it.  New ink is so exciting to me…it’s neat to be able to look at my body and see something new and absolutely my own.  I know it’s morbid but I think of dying and being found…there will be zero chance they’ll be unable to identify me.  No one on the planet has skin like mine.  (I love that…not sure why).

Anyway.  Life goes on right?  *sigh*

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “Ha! I suck.”

  1. worstcasescenariogirl says :

    I think you are pretty cool. Just wanted to let you know 🙂

  2. Mental Mama says :

    It is hard, because we don’t want to be thought poorly of by those who once considered us friends. I had a “friend” that left very abruptly over something that should have been less than minor. I still think about her now and then and all of the terrible things she said when she left.

    My best friend in “the real world” is one that I will often go days, sometimes weeks, without talking to. When we do reconnect it’s as though no time has passed at all. That’s how you can tell if someone is a friend.

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