Oh my. Rest Keeps Finding Me!
So…what a week so far. I’ve been trying to write it out but things keep happening and I want to add them…by the time I was finished I had a freaking novel of info so…condensing here.
A few weeks ago I posted a dream here (not in my dream blog) about one of the houses I live in being destroyed. Read HERE if you missed it. Since that dream I’ve run back to the yard several times (in dreams) looking to see if the building was still gone. It is….all I find is a filled in concrete foundation and the rough outline of a house in the dirt. I remember the destruction perfectly while dreaming and it all makes sense.
Then…oh then, I figured something key out. I dreamt of my lover…the one I cannot tear myself from no matter what in dreams. I dreamt of his face this time though…realized who I was in turmoil over. The time of those dreams starting lines up perfectly with when I met and fell for M. The torture of being captured and left, captured and left just kept going on and on in as many ways as my brain could think of…same message over and over again. Near the end, before really understanding them, I was nearly desperate to destroy myself, realizing it was the only way out (maybe). I slashed at my body and tried to stop my heart, bleed out, stroke…anything to release me from the fear and torture of being unloved so enormously; begging for scraps and crumbs. SO wrong. So not what I wanted.
I saw his face that time….this weekend past. (HERE) I saw him, knew him. I shook my head and felt so sad, finally understanding what I had lost (or, more likely, tried to force and failed). It’s still kind of hard to choke down. From that moment on, however, I have not dreamed of that place. Not until last night anyway.
Last night I was flying in my dreams. It doesn’t happen often…can count maybe five times in my life. I can float…sort of…more like long, controlled jumps. Once I remember getting away from whatever was chasing me by executing this method, each bound growing bigger and faster to the point where I barely needed to touch down at all.
I was at work in dreams and was getting into my car, ready to go home, when I realized I had nowhere to go. I didn’t live anywhere in there any longer. I went out to the road and tried to see if I could see the old house…see if *he* was home. I just wanted to know, for some reason. I couldn’t see, of course, so I drove up to the huge overpass that connects highways together and stood at the very edge….did a little trial jump. I went up a foot or two and came down in a controlled, gentle way so I went for a bigger one and bounded up so high, I could see just about the whole city.
I flew over to the house…circling the roof, looking for signs of people. The house out back was still gone and the grass was starting to fill in the space left behind. Soon it would be as if it had never existed. The main house looked the same as always, no cars out front. I came down to street level and stood on the sidewalk, staring at the place, empty and locked up tight. I didn’t have my key any more. I crept closer and peered into the windows..everything was as it was. The captive room was white and barren, closet hanging open, attic trap door yawning open on the ceiling. The front door side windows had shoes and boots on the tray, coats hanging…no people though and none of the things inside belonged to me.
I journeyed back to the yard and stood on the deck, cupping my hands around my eyes to see inside. He was in there…alone. I saw tears on his cheeks, streaks of wetness glinting in the sunbeams, but he didn’t look sad…he looked absent. I tapped on the glass softly, not sure whether I wanted him to see me or not, and when he looked at me my heart seized. I loved him…love him, so much it’s almost a function of my body and completely beyond my control.
Blue eyes picked me up and started to draw me in but, instead of going inside and into his arms I jumped straight up and hid on the roof. I heard the sliding door open and felt him close to me…I crept to the edge and looked over, ice blue eyes peering up at me. I reached for hand and pulled him up the roof with me. We did not touch, we did not speak…he just stood next to me as I pointed to the skies. I wanted to take him with me. I showed him how, pleaded with him in every way I knew how using everything aside from words.
I jumped, felt that buoyant loft under me and jumped again, this time soaring up high into the sky. I turned to see if he had come along but he was just a little dot on the roof below me. I went back, showed him again and jumped…he didn’t even attempt to follow. There was freedom, right there in front of us and he was paralyzed by indecision and fear. The known is often safer than the unknown, I remember thinking that as tears welled up in my eyes. I took a deep breath of fresh, crisp air, and began to dive…just to feel the world working with me, around me, through me.
I soared as high as I could go, above the clouds but below the black, ominous atmosphere above me. When I got so high I was losing air I would stop, relax every muscle in my body and drop in a dizzying dive, straight for the ground. The pull of gravity would make me go faster and faster, g forces kicking in and distorting my features. I laughed out loud and pulled from my dive mere seconds before I hit the ground, with a whoosh of air, perfectly controlled.
He stood where I left him. Sad and alone. I stood next to him and leaned in to press my forehead against his, touched his cheek with mine, hands smoothing his hair away from his face.
“I wish you would let me show you” Was all I said.
The pull of freedom was too much. I wanted to get out of there and now knew how to go. I kissed him, tenderly, and without blinking or turning I moved straight upwards until I could no longer make out his shape on the rooftop below. One more deep breath and I let go of the binds that held me in this place. Soared away.
I suspect I will have no reason to return to this place. I know, in my dreams, that I’m homeless and need to find a place to rest. I think…I hope….I’ll find good one this time. Maybe these dreams will carry me to a better place this time around.
More to tell. Will write later on. xo