Well that only took half a decade…*sigh*
Oh Shit. I figured it out.
My dreams. About three…four years ago I moved from one place to another. The city in my head…cities, actually, span for a pretty good distance now…there are about five separate cities that I’ve lived in…two more I’ve visited. Anyway. I always live somewhere and I tend to stay in places for a few years…seems to go in cycles along with the experiences I’m going through in life.
A handful of years ago, I moved to a new place with a guy I was in love with. He’s the one I write about in dreams who walks behind me sometimes with his hand gently on the small of my back. Every time I look behind me he smiles a soft smile, blue eyes shining. Something about this one makes my heart nearly explode every time we touch. He is, however, in a relationship with another woman who also lives at the house. I used to think it was her relatives that owned it because she leaves constantly and he follows her wherever she goes, leaving me behind to contend with a bunch of people who hate me, know why I’m there (In love with their daughter (?) s husband/boyfriend?) and they want me gone. No one seems able to say that out loud to me though, so I stay, nowhere else to go, and hope he comes back for me.
When they are in the house (we’ve been to mexico a dozen times together too, also appears in other trends through out my night) it is a game of touch and go. When she is occupied in any way (in the bathroom, sleeping, eating) he is up those stairs, peeking around the corner trying to get my attention. I’ll look up and my heart will turn into a jack hammer…I always worry the other’s will hear it. I casually stand, stretch…wander off. No one ever talks to me anyway so it’s not like I need an excuse. I’ll rush up the stairs and his arms will encircle me the moment I reach him. He’ll pull me into a room (any room) and he’ll fawn over me..petting my hair like a cat, stripping off my clothes and touching every inch of my body as if he wanted to memorize it…I just lie there in such a state…bliss? I know it’s wrong…kind of, but also undeniably right. Such a conflict of feeling and sensation.
While she sleeps he slips out of their bed and down onto the floor where I sleep sometimes, listening to their murmurs and whispers. Sometimes they make love and I have to listen, trapped, not wanting to stand up and leave…embarrass them or myself. But like I said, when she’s asleep he comes for me again and wraps those arms around me. I sometimes cry, the pending loss is so great it almost over shines the good parts, and he kisses my tears away. It’s such silly, sweet gestures. They break my heart.
Okay…so, you get the point. I love this person with a huge, glowing heart but he belongs to someone else and, even though I know he’ll never be with me, I still feel the need to hang around and catch the bits of love he tosses my way. The worst part is that the love he feels is genuine. I can see it in his eyes.
Last night I was running around, doing dishes, finishing laundry and showering (my busy work in dreams) and he came home…without her. I ran across the room and he caught me as I jumped into his arms. He kissed the side of my neck and squeezed me so tight, but told me there wasn’t much time, his mother was coming home soon. I didn’t want to be there when she arrived….it’s always a kind of pending doom…talk of the mother. I wasn’t sure I understood because, as I said, I’ve always thought they were her relatives, not his, that owned the place.
I stood there after he let me go, staring at him, trying to make sense of what he said. His mother was coming back after quite some time away, it seemed, and he was meeting her, ready to welcome her home. She was definitely not a fan of mine even though we weren’t very familiar with each other. His face changed as I stood there. The blue eyes were familiar for a reason…suddenly, I realized I was looking at M.
Fuck. Really? So for nearly four years I’ve been dreaming of this house, tortured by the feeling of not being welcome or belonging, doing dishes and keeping busy, flying under the radar. I waited and waited for him to come back, and he did! Several times, full of love and hope and desire. He’d fill my soul right up and then, for no reason that made sense, he’d spin on his heels and walk back out of my life. It went on for the entire time I knew him.
I DO love him. I love him to this very moment, in fact, I’m writing this here so I don’t send it directly to his mail box. I’m pissed off that the point of all this self-destructive behaviour was based on him. I’m angry with him for the way he treated me…it’s exactly as it plays out in the dreams. When he was in my life he made sure to be everything…made it all exactly as I needed it so I’d love him again. Forgive things that I should never have forgiven or accepted. I let him away with such immature behaviour all the while, coping with life and it’s nastiness, raising Colt, working life out with D, work (and the joys of that have become apparent lately, if you’ve been reading along). I worked myself into a terrible place where I felt trapped and left, ignored and loved, desired and disregarded.
The damn house is all to do with M. I can’t believe it didn’t make sense before now. That man warmed a part of me that has never been touched but he only did it on his own schedule, never mine. I have felt unloved and unlovable ever since, and, all the while, I’ve got this great friend, D who works out the most difficult parts of life with me but, for whatever reason, never wants to touch me or sleep with me…. What a nightmare. Exactly eh?
So. Now what I need to do is banish the desire to feel that connection with M and hopefully the dreams will dissipate. I’m a touch worried about where I’ll head next…it feels like it’s going to be a very lonely, dry place again. Maybe nothing will happen at all. maybe I’ll just stay there for the rest of my life and grasp little touches of that love. I can’t find it anywhere else, no matter where I look. There’s nothing of it in Colt, of course, as it’s more than romantic in nature. D is a hands off kind of guy…we’ve never had a warm, cuddly thing going, but at least the sex used to be great. ha. used to be. Wonderful.
SO. I’m depressed, now lonely and I feel stupid for dreaming about something so simple for so long.
On a slightly happier note, I’ve decided to start looking for a new job here. I’m going to get back in with the docs and their patients. I want to make people feel heard and I want to calm their fears where I can. I don’t want to run lip service for over paid, ego-crazed, drama queen docs who couldn’t care less about their patients. It’s made the lack of support in this role a little less stingy. I have a friend who is a liver surgeon here…incredibly talented, amazingly warm and passionate about his work. His secretary is retiring soon and I touched base with him…asked him if he’d still consider working with me. He replied instantly with a very enthusiastic yes. I’ll poke at that possibility soon. Mama, Kitty and the rest of you lovely souls who comforted me through that mess helped me come to that decision. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.
xx So. One mystery solved. I suppose. *sigh*