Panic attacks and useless worries

Right…so things didn’t go well with the director yesterday.  I’m in trouble this time…..need to find a way out of it.  We sat down and went over the issue with the business cards.  I hand-made her some and sent them….today I’ll get a thousand of them sent over so I’ll never have to order them again.  I don’t even know what’s gone wrong yet.

The director made note of my question about my performance…said he seemed to be loosing faith in me.  He said he wasn’t ‘loosing’ …it was long since lost.  He went back five years to tell me about a complaint my ex chair made about me not getting work done.  He never mentioned a word about it to me, aside from when he was furious that I had to go take care of Colt and a really bad issue with the school (that was the first couple of agonizing years of his education).  I asked my director exactly what was to be done about a five-year old complaint and he said nothing, but then ticked off five more incidents.  … no four…five in five years, he says.

1.  I procrastinated on a business card order

2.  I had a hard time getting a company to invoice my company to register a doc (got registered eventually)

3.  It took me a year to complete a project that was thrown at me with no information/details that I did complete and turn over to the person who should have actually been doing the work.  All she had to do was hand it in…which she did, and now he’s giving her credit for the whole thing and holding me accountable for the time it took.

4.  Some vague complaint was made about me needing to take time off here and there to deal with my son and his school issues.  I always used vacation time to cover the hours.

5.  I pulled together a big meeting for one boss.  The turnout didn’t look great so I suggested we reschedule.  He went through the roof, registered a compliant against me.  The director told me all I had to do was book the event but he’s wrong.  The event was booked, advertised, counted, followed…I did all of that work for the first one that was put off too.  I shouldn’t have said a word about it and just let it happen but then I’d have been in shit for not warning him or whatever.

So…out of the hundreds of successful projects I’ve completed and all the tasks I do, my job is on the line for these stupid fucking issues.

Of course, this sets D to panic mode.  He was calling and calling, leaving messages in loud voices telling me that I had to gather all my evidence and fight this and not let them fire me, or give notice so they didn’t’ get me first or write a letter of apology (I don’t think I can sink myself that low, honestly…beg for forgiveness regarding fucking business cards).

Anyway.  I have terrible PMS these days thanks to the overheating issue that I keep getting told is just my estrogen dropping and thank to the extra sensitivity, I ended up in tears.  I cried in his office while he listed off my failings, I cried in my own office when I got back to it, door shut and locked.  When I cry it triggers some sort of inflammation in my head that causes tension and one of those incredible headaches that leave me sobbing and holding my head with both hands in the dark.  This came on quickly after the meeting and I ran to the bathroom and threw up.  I lost control of my bladder somewhere in there and wet my pants.  I tried to clean it up while lying on the filthy floor waiting for the waves of nausea to pass and there there’s a long, blankish fuzzy spot where I panicked, dissociated and then spend time wandering between the bathroom and my office, getting sick and trying to make the headache release with my head down in the dark, on my desk.

I managed to drive (kind of not really dissociating along the way) and got home, went upstairs, shedding clothing along the way and fell into bed to sleep for 16 hours of stress filled nightmares.  I woke exhausted and in incredible pain, sweating, shivering and wrapped in a wet sheet.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for this job.  Maybe I should  return to the clinical side of things….that is,  after all, why I started a career in healthcare…not for all the bullshit politics.

I also had a lovely thing going with someone I had really missed in my life but he’s pulled his old bs and dropped off the planet.  Always seems to be in my worst moments that this particular one splits and runs for the hills.  Then comes the angry email all about how terrible I am to him.  I hope he sends it today so I don’t have to wait for it on pins and needles.  It makes me feel ultra-super pathetic to be begging for morsels kindness …. especially from people who almost never treat me like I matter.  (that’s a whole different mess in my head).

D is … well, he’s ok.  He did not’ attempt to wake me yesterday because he didn’t want to face my mood.  He sheepishly asked me if I’d fax his contract info back into his second job for him again.  After yesterday’s yelling session over it I just agreed and still have that to do.  I really don’t want to go down to the main office yet though so he’s going to have to wait until I feel a little more settled.

I suck at everything.  The dreams….not true, I don’t suck at depressing myself while I sleep.  It’s quite a talent you know?

So tired.  I’m afraid that if I stop my head from spinning I’ll fall asleep to dreams again.  They were merciless last night.  Might give a stream-of-consciousness thing going over on my dream blog.  If I can find the energy.

I was just going to ask why all this seems to happen at once but I guess all the work related stuff is my own fault.  Made bed.  Might as well lie in it while I bat away the dreams.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “Panic attacks and useless worries”

  1. Kittyhere says :

    Your work place is cuckoo. You get selected for the 10 year video then because someone runs out of business cards you may get fired? With D’s second job paying well and having benefits maybe it is time to leave your current job. How does Canada treat firings — in the US someone like you might be better covered on disability than by working (which is sometimes fair but other times a rip off for hard working people). No shame in leaving a job due to poor health and your responsibilities as a parent.

    • Grainne says :

      They are a bit strange aren’t they? They are two different groups, the ones who elected me for the video, and these ones I work with in my role. I don’t know why the director decided to let me know that someone vaguely accused me of something he can’t quite recall.

      It’s really difficult getting disability benefits without some sort of iron clad diagnosis that proves I can’t work. Because they docs all fluff me off and suggest things like fibromyalgia meds I will be stonewalled by disability. Most of the folks I know here on disability do not fare so well.

      The second job for D isn’t guaranteed hours. He’s picking up extras while he can. Even with his increase I’d not be able to afford the medication I take. Right now I pay 10% and my hospital benefits pay 90%. Even that takes a chunk out of the money. I could start weaning onto the generic, less effective versions of my meds but I don’t know how to manage that…the damn things barely work this way. The one that helps the most is the most expensive, of course. The first two I’d have to drop would be my anti-depressants due to necessity and cost. That might not be the best course of action….

      I’m just going to sit quietly in my office and fly under the radar. I have done everything that needed doing, including the stupid business card order so unless he want’s to write me up for my ex chair’s somewhat complaint there’s nothing outstanding.

      One day at a time I guess. xx

      • Pete says :

        Isn’t it always one day at a time, no matter what happens I’ll always be here for your sweet twin. I love you unconditionally,

        Pete xo

  2. Mental Mama says :

    In the whole time I’ve known you you’ve never seemed happy at this job. I’d say if it’s possible to get back to the clinical side, that’s maybe what you should do. It’s entirely unreasonable for something that happened 5 years ago to still be held against you.

    As for the “good thing” – doesn’t sound all that great if he routinely leaves you feeling shitty. Not judging, just hoping you realize that you really do deserve better.

    • Grainne says :

      You’re right…that ‘good thing’ was never very good. I think I seek comfort from the ones I know understand me best regardless of how much/little they think of me. I generally wouldn’t have listed it in my complaints but I was feeling super whiney when I wrote this post.

      I talked to D briefly about getting back to the clinical side. He balked at the reduction in salary, suggested I do nothing at all. not sure what to do…he’s right, I can’t be calling in and not getting work done while working for a doctor. 😦 I don’t know what I’ll do.

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