My head wasn’t empty yet…

I really just want to run.

I don’t want to see that sad look in D’s eyes anymore.  He just came here to pick up some stuff I printed for him.  The second job has quite the fulsome new hire package.  They cover pretty much everything right off the bat…this makes me happy.  It shows some kind permanence that they even have such a package.  The wage is about double what he usually makes so…I’m happy for him.  He’ll get the money to fix his teeth quickly this way and it won’t impact the budget.  He’s not done this before because he felt a need to be there, in case I needed him (or dropped into a coma or decided to off myself).  Now?  He needs a place to go that doesn’t have me in it.  How long could you look across the room at someone who squirms in obvious pain while seated, standing or lying down.  It’s hard to watch…I can see it in his entire demeanour.

Most people need to ignore this part of my life and I’m okay with that on the whole.  I don’t really want much attention and fruitless attempts to help only frustrate my friends.   I do have some good friends this time around though so I’m feeling stronger than last time I had to face this.  Drew, specifically, is sort of a super-human kind of friend.  I could sleep for a month and not even touch my phone and when I came back there’d be a bunch of messages from him.

Hi.

Hi there.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi…I’m worried about you.  You okay?

Hey Grainne?

GRAINNE?

HELLO GRAINNE…

and so on.  When I finally do respond you know what he does?

“sup?”  (Like nothing ever happened).

I love you kiddo.  Seriously.  You are so tolerant and sweet to not give up on me, ever.  (see?  Good friends bring up good feelings).  🙂

So yeah.  Life.  I feel guilty for sleeping all the time while Colt plays.  I know he doesn’t hold it against me but I hate to think that he’ll grow up remembering me sleeping all the time.  If I could stop I would.  I’d be awake and playing games online or chatting with friends.  I had a friend who used to text with me all the time but he ditched me over the last few weeks as I’ve been rather inaccessible, locked inside my head.  He didn’t understand…but…I guess you can’t expect everyone to.

So I’m spending my time between exhaustion from coping with the pain.  D brought a coffee as a thank you for printing his contract and informed me that I’ve been ‘bitchy as hell’ for the last week or so.  He said he doesn’t hold it against me because he knows I’m in pain  *Dark, brooding worry here*  I can’t tell if he’s worried about me or just doesn’t like the idea of life like this.  I know I don’t like the idea of it….at least one of us can walk away and forget it all.  He’s earned that right, I think.

I’m in trouble at work again.  These people are so damn touchy about things.  I understand the need to things go well but to get all on me because I missed a business card order it just making my footing all icy and dangerous.  I have a meeting with the director tomorrow morning regarding my recent performance.  *tears*  I’m in full on PMS so I’m pretty sure I’m going to tear up.  I’ve got to find a way to chill that down some.  Maybe full on detachment…but with that comes other trouble.  When I shut too far off I come off as, well, D’s “bitchy as hell” pretty much fits.

I feel dramatically unwell.  My body is just fucking screaming, it’s panicking and flailing around inside while I concentrate all my energy on keeping a blank expression on my face.

I don’t think I can do this forever.

I feel like a crap friend since I’m almost never around, a crap employee because I didn’t order business cards the right way (and procrastinated) so now have to face the music but, honestly, I’m so annoyed at the way everyone decided to rat me out to my director….I dunno.  Maybe I deserved it?  I have a way of putting on a great appearance and people tend to overlook my faults until they become glaringly obvious…then I feel ‘found out’ and like I deserved this all along.

Why is everything so hard?  😦  I need a fucking break.

I don’t want to be at work, I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to be awake but I don’t want to dream.  I’m out of meds, I missed Colt’s hot lunch order for November and I fucked up a set of business cards.

Excellent.  The day continues to annoy.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

11 responses to “My head wasn’t empty yet…”

  1. worstcasescenariogirl says :

    Oh…now you have me crying. It is all so hard. Life and all the stuff. Sometimes I walk down the street and I think….I just want to stop….right here…lie down on the grass beside the road and just stop…..but what does that really mean? I wish I could fix it for you. I wish I could fix it for me. I wish I could take all the pain away….one day at a time, one moment at a time….guess that is the only way…..I think you are very brave….

    • Grainne says :

      I don’t think I even got to thank you for your last amazingly supportive and understanding comment. Thank you so much for this….we barely know each other and yet you are spending so much compassion and understanding here. I appreciate it … there aren’t many like you out there.

      Lie down on the grass and just stop. That sounds like a little fantasy today. xo

  2. Kittyhere says :

    Just who do you think could do as much as you while living with so much pain? I do not think that person exists.

    • Grainne says :

      ❤ Kitty. You're my longest blog friend and most certainly one of my strongest. Thank you….I have a suspicion you would be one who could do this.

      Thank you xoxo

      • Pete says :

        Oh that person does exist, remember how we found each other Sis? Don’t forget your twin,:(I’ve done the child part and know oh so well the writhing agony and fatigue that crushes my every hope and dream. But Kitty has a point, you are an incredible woman Grainne. xxx

  3. Mental Mama says :

    An entire month worth of Mondays has ganged up on you at once. I get that. I have no fucking clue how to fix it, but I get it.

    All we can ever do is try to be the best version of ourselves possible. Some days we do such a good job that people forget we’re struggling. Other days we can’t hold it together enough for anyone to believe that we dressed ourselves. It utterly sucks, but it is what it is.

    Hang in there as best you can, and feel free to reach out more if you have the energy and feel like it would help. *hugs*

  4. rootstoblossom says :

    Sounds like a full on crap attack. Go ahead and lie down somewhere and will all the meteors of the universe to come and get you. Focus. Picture them all racing towards you, one after the other. Don’t forget the wooshing sounds they must make. In a few minutes, when they don’t get you, you can get back up and smile about your crappy day because you just avoided a zillion meteors. Seriously though, what you do survive daily is amazing, so don’t beat yourself up for the occasional (ok even the constant) feeling like giving up would be easier. Life sucks, but it’s all we got. 🙂

    • Grainne says :

      That was an interesting visualization. I smiled at the thought of it and it’s kind of true right? We avoid so many pitfalls in life, it’s an apt image to concentrate on. I’m actually going to give that a go.

      I spent hours dissociating between my office and the bathroom throwing up..went home and slept for 17 hours. xx

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