D has taken a second job.  He says he wants to make extra money so we can buy a house…something we can pay off and give to Colt when we’re gone…somewhere for him to be… a place that makes him comfortable and feel like he has a place he belongs.  I’m happy about the prospect, however, it leaves me much more responsible.  I’ll have to always pick up and drop off through the week and I’ll have to feed him every night.  I’ll have to take him to swimming lessons and do all the grocery shopping along with keeping the house clean and getting laundry done.  It doesn’t sound like much, I know, but I’ve been asleep for the last year….I’ve been able to call it quits, go home, curl up on the couch and sulk until I sleep.  Won’t have that to run to anymore.  I’ll have to be there for Colt.  Scares the heck out of me.  The last time we tried this I passed out so hard I didn’t hear D call three hundred times (not really that many but a lot!).  I had given Colt food prior to passing out but I couldn’t stay awake.  That’s not good when you’re the only responsible adult caring for a disabled child.  He’s a good boy but doesn’t possess the instincts and ability to reason that you and I do.  For him, making toast has nothing to do with a dangerous appliance that could burn the kitchen down…he doesn’t care how it works…he just knows to put toast in, take toast out when it pops…there are no instructions in there about what to do if the toaster catches fire though and if I’m comatose on the couch while the kitchen is in flames…  Yeah.  Not a good plan is it?

I’d rely a little on my neighbour but she hates me.  My landlord.  She already thinks I’m a shit mother.  I guess I could always call Colt’s sitter (that amazing woman who took him into her family and heart).  She’s dependable for sure.

So…today is okay.  I’m sore but not too sore.  It’s at the freezing mark out there today and although cold, it’s dry so my bones are less creaky.  My newest and least fun issue is my legs.  I have bilateral sciatica again 😦  I hurt my right leg last week when I used my knee to bump a couch cushion back into place (sigh)…I’ve been limping ever since.  Starting yesterday, the nerve got going.  It’s a burning, stinging, aching pain from my ass to my ankle on the right.  I can’t straighten my leg because of whatever I did to it with the cushion.  On my left leg the sciatica is less painful however, it’s the leg that keeps making me fall.  I have a drop foot again (sometimes when I go to take a step my foot doesn’t move like it should…it either stays still or steps too low so I trip and fall) and have fallen twice in the past week.  I think I broke one of my toes.  I have to tape it to the one beside to be able to walk at all.

I hate this pain.  Last time I had it I would have gladly signed up for a double amputation had anyone offered it.  It hurts to sit, stand, lie down, crouch.  I can’t get comfortable anywhere and I have a headache.  I always have a fucking headache.

Anyway.  Whatever right?

I got a mean email from someone yesterday and it hurt my feelings something awful.  I was surprised by it so I wasn’t prepared when I started to cry.  I turned my phone onto video and recorded myself for a minute…sometimes I do this when I need to show myself that things aren’t as they seem while panicking or suffering.  After about 60 seconds I turned the video off and watched my recording.  I was crying five tears at a time…my face was soaked instantly and dozens of tears trailed down my cheeks and dripped off my chin.  I wiped my face, shook it off.,,,got control back, but….wow, this is a scary but….I didn’t have one tiny scrap of emotion show throughout the whole video.  I was crying real tears that I couldn’t stop but my eyes were dead cold and blank.  Tears, sniffles, aching chest, lump in throat and all the outside world was shown was the tears.  No wonder some people think I’m an ice queen.  No emotional expression aside from the ones I could not control.  How fucked up is that?

So, for any of those in my life who have had the displeasure of watching my physical reaction to being hurt, I’m sorry I didn’t show the truth.  I know I need to pay attention to that…I just seem to forget or push it aside…it doesn’t seem so important in the grand scheme.  (ringing through my head is “whatever!!!” over and over).

Feeling strong enough to stand.  Hurting, frightened, sad.  Meds are kicking in.  Can tell because I keep forgetting how to spell everything.  Well, I guess that’s my day underway.  :S  Hope you all have a good one.  Better than this, at least.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

15 responses to “Human”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    I hope D having the second job works out alright. I can totally understand why you’re worried, I would be, too. I don’t even really like being left alone with my nieces during the day when I’ve had a full night’s sleep. I also get you about the not being able to spell stuff – the connection between my brain and my hands isn’t what it should be. Totally frustrating.

    • Grainne says :

      *hugs you* Can we just go back to bed please? Grab the kitty and snuggle to sleep. (How’s your cat btw? Is her bladder infection cleared?)

      • Mental Mama says :

        She seems to be a lot better. I think she’s entirely too skinny, but the vet said she was fine. And now that you mention it, she’s suspiciously absent….

      • Grainne says :

        lol…uh oh. that’s never good. Mine only get quiet when they’re doing something they are not allowed to do.

      • Mental Mama says :

        She’s probably up in Mom’s closet, sleeping on shoes. I don’t get how that would be comfortable, but she hangs out in there a lot.

      • Grainne says :

        aww…my little one loves D’s shoes, especially right after he takes them off. She’ll tip his boot over and stuff her entire head inside. She’ll sleep like that for hours if undisturbed.

  2. KittyHere says :

    Your ability to hide everything inside is adaptive behavior at the most amazing level. It is pure survival technique . Something to be aware of sure, something to think of as a defect NO WAY!, it is a mark of your awesome reliance on yourself to get through what you have. Sure it is something to explain briefly if someone misreads you but you would not be here facing your current challenges without it. Never apologize for the hell you have gone through that is no fault of your own.

    • Grainne says :

      This is such an important lesson here…what you have captured. (Can I just thank you one more time for being in my life? You are like family to me Kitty…your advice is wise and carefully given. I’m going to start a new blog post using the points from your comment here. Much love. xoxo

      • KittyHere says :

        I am honored my your words. You amaze me. Any help I can be to you pleases me more than I can express.

      • Grainne says :

        It’s me who is honored Kitty. You wandered into my life and stood up for me when I was battering myself and you’ve never left. (You never left!!!) That alone makes me want to weep with gratitude. Much love. xo

  3. worstcasescenariogirl says :

    I’m not much of a “commenter”…”commentator”….”person who comments”…But I think you are very brave. I admire your honesty and your courage. That’s it. Just wanted you to know 🙂

  4. findingmyinnercourage says :

    You are brave beyond belief. Hold your head high and continue being courageous!

    • Grainne says :

      *hugs* Thank you for this. I know you’re struggling a bit right now…that you took the time to let me know care means a lot.

      • Pete says :

        Love you, twin always will. This is a wonderful heartfelt, unselfish move by D taking the second job so Colt can have a house of his own, but in saying that one needs to consider the present before the future. What you said about the extra tasks and things doesn’t sound much to anyone else who just can’t comprehend such burning pain and bone crushing fatigue at our level. When M was little I took out life insurance…(which I still have today) so she can have somewhere if I pass away because my life seems just so damned uncertain.
        Maybe you can manage this, you’re one hell of a woman, but just my word of warning I used to come home from 8 hours of work and pass out on the bed and couldn’t be raised for 3-4 hours. I had great support then, but left without it?

      • Grainne says :

        It’s hard isn’t it/ I know. xx I have a small policy but I think I need to up it. I’ve been afraid to look into it considering my current conditions…not sure they’d be too quick to cut me a deal.

        Thanks so much Pete, for understanding so well.

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