D has taken a second job. He says he wants to make extra money so we can buy a house…something we can pay off and give to Colt when we’re gone…somewhere for him to be… a place that makes him comfortable and feel like he has a place he belongs. I’m happy about the prospect, however, it leaves me much more responsible. I’ll have to always pick up and drop off through the week and I’ll have to feed him every night. I’ll have to take him to swimming lessons and do all the grocery shopping along with keeping the house clean and getting laundry done. It doesn’t sound like much, I know, but I’ve been asleep for the last year….I’ve been able to call it quits, go home, curl up on the couch and sulk until I sleep. Won’t have that to run to anymore. I’ll have to be there for Colt. Scares the heck out of me. The last time we tried this I passed out so hard I didn’t hear D call three hundred times (not really that many but a lot!). I had given Colt food prior to passing out but I couldn’t stay awake. That’s not good when you’re the only responsible adult caring for a disabled child. He’s a good boy but doesn’t possess the instincts and ability to reason that you and I do. For him, making toast has nothing to do with a dangerous appliance that could burn the kitchen down…he doesn’t care how it works…he just knows to put toast in, take toast out when it pops…there are no instructions in there about what to do if the toaster catches fire though and if I’m comatose on the couch while the kitchen is in flames… Yeah. Not a good plan is it?
I’d rely a little on my neighbour but she hates me. My landlord. She already thinks I’m a shit mother. I guess I could always call Colt’s sitter (that amazing woman who took him into her family and heart). She’s dependable for sure.
So…today is okay. I’m sore but not too sore. It’s at the freezing mark out there today and although cold, it’s dry so my bones are less creaky. My newest and least fun issue is my legs. I have bilateral sciatica again 😦 I hurt my right leg last week when I used my knee to bump a couch cushion back into place (sigh)…I’ve been limping ever since. Starting yesterday, the nerve got going. It’s a burning, stinging, aching pain from my ass to my ankle on the right. I can’t straighten my leg because of whatever I did to it with the cushion. On my left leg the sciatica is less painful however, it’s the leg that keeps making me fall. I have a drop foot again (sometimes when I go to take a step my foot doesn’t move like it should…it either stays still or steps too low so I trip and fall) and have fallen twice in the past week. I think I broke one of my toes. I have to tape it to the one beside to be able to walk at all.
I hate this pain. Last time I had it I would have gladly signed up for a double amputation had anyone offered it. It hurts to sit, stand, lie down, crouch. I can’t get comfortable anywhere and I have a headache. I always have a fucking headache.
Anyway. Whatever right?
I got a mean email from someone yesterday and it hurt my feelings something awful. I was surprised by it so I wasn’t prepared when I started to cry. I turned my phone onto video and recorded myself for a minute…sometimes I do this when I need to show myself that things aren’t as they seem while panicking or suffering. After about 60 seconds I turned the video off and watched my recording. I was crying five tears at a time…my face was soaked instantly and dozens of tears trailed down my cheeks and dripped off my chin. I wiped my face, shook it off.,,,got control back, but….wow, this is a scary but….I didn’t have one tiny scrap of emotion show throughout the whole video. I was crying real tears that I couldn’t stop but my eyes were dead cold and blank. Tears, sniffles, aching chest, lump in throat and all the outside world was shown was the tears. No wonder some people think I’m an ice queen. No emotional expression aside from the ones I could not control. How fucked up is that?
So, for any of those in my life who have had the displeasure of watching my physical reaction to being hurt, I’m sorry I didn’t show the truth. I know I need to pay attention to that…I just seem to forget or push it aside…it doesn’t seem so important in the grand scheme. (ringing through my head is “whatever!!!” over and over).
Feeling strong enough to stand. Hurting, frightened, sad. Meds are kicking in. Can tell because I keep forgetting how to spell everything. Well, I guess that’s my day underway. :S Hope you all have a good one. Better than this, at least.