So I slept. A lot.
I managed to survive the long weekend.
I took a bunch of time off…wed of last week until now. It was my birthday on the weekend and I usually don’t do so well when that happens. There’s the stress that the family might call. They didn’t…they won’t, but somehow, somewhere deep inside me I thought my mom might…I don’t know. She hung up on me the last time she called. I saw her office number come up on my display at work and hesitated for one second before picking it up.
“Good morning Grainne speaking…” I answered, knowing it was her.
“It’s me.” She was crying as she said it. “I’m calling to wish you a happy birthday.”
“Hi mom…” I managed.
She was gone. I suspect that’s the last time I’ll hear from her…it was what? Two years ago now? Maybe only one…time gets all muddled in my head when I think of them. I really shouldn’t bother…and don’t bother much anymore, really. It’s quite freeing to feel that disconnect with my foster family.
The other reason for sadness on my birthday is my real mom. I think of her all the time and, now I that I have a photo of her beautiful face I can picture her too. I so wish she was still alive. I need her. I know she would have helped me with Colt when he was a baby. I know she would have been there, rubbing my back and telling me things would turn out fine…this was just a moment in time. I could have turned to her when I felt hopeless, like now….she would have listened, I’ll bet. I imagine picking up the phone and dialing a number I know by heart to have her beautiful voice answer, happy to hear from me. I imagine laying my head in her lap and crying over the pain…the unfairness of it all.
I so wish she was here. I miss her so much. What do you do when you don’t have a mom and need one? D’s mom is worse than my foster mother. She’s a cheap, mean, nasty bitch who only cares about herself. She wanted to divorce D’s father who is sick and on disability (although works tons of odd jobs to be able to make the mortgage payments). She went to a lawyer who told her that she would have to pay him alimony so he could maintain his standard of living and she was outraged. Decided to stay with him to save herself the money. Said it to his face. He AGREED! !!!! *sigh* Anyway. She’s no mother substitute for me.
So….I guess it’s back to normal business for me. Had a little rest…it was quite nice really. D was awesome and dropped Colt off at the sitters every day…picked him up too. He helped me clean the house and he made us a gorgeous turkey with stuffing and all the fixings for Thanksgiving…was delicious. There was even a pumpkin pie with candles for me..lol. Colt made D sing Happy Birthday to me several times…I got it on video. I’ve watched it about three hundred times…I love it so.
The pain is … wow. It’s just so bad I can’t get it to settle. Every muscle in my shoulders, neck, jaw and face is taught and everything aches when I move. Today, my spine feels like it’s bone on bone and nerves are twanging here and there. I have to sit at an odd angle to be able to stand it for more than ten seconds and it’s putting pressure on my hips and lower back (which aren’t hurting me yet so I’m trying to keep them as they are).
My head hurts but that’s a standard these days. The scary thing is that the worst of them are terrifying. One started to elevate sometime through my mini-vacation from life and within ten minutes I was on the floor, holding my head with both hands, trying to keep it from exploding out through my skull, rocking and occasionally banging my head on the floor or wall to disperse the pain a little….feel something different. It feels like a sharp, hot knitting needle is being driven into my head. I cannot stop crying when I have one of these….crying gives me a headache, of course, so it makes everything worse.
If I can get the headaches under control, along with the fainting and excessive sleeping I’ll be so damn happy I might never complain again. I’ll take the little aches and pains…the osteo issues in my fingers and toes, knees and elbows…shoulders…those things I can cope with. Headaches that tunnel my vision, dropping like a stone at Walmart and sleeping from dinner time onward….just can’t scramble together a decent quality of life like this.
Only fifteen years to go. I’m not entirely sure I’ll even make it to tonight. What would happen if I just lay down on the floor and gave up? Someone would have to pick me up and carry me to the mental health ward…is giving up on life a mental illness issue? I’m not suicidal…just exhausted.
Ha! That’s a great place. So exhausted it’s better to think of death over life. Goodness me…that was a miserable post. Thanks for reading if you did. Don’t let me drag you down.