So I slept. A lot.

I managed to survive the long weekend.

I took a bunch of time off…wed of last week until now.  It was my birthday on the weekend and I usually don’t do so well when that happens.  There’s the stress that the family might call.  They didn’t…they won’t, but somehow, somewhere deep inside me I thought my mom might…I don’t know.  She hung up on me the last time she called.  I saw her office number come up on my display at work and hesitated for one second before picking it up.

“Good morning Grainne speaking…”  I answered, knowing it was her.

“It’s me.” She was crying as she said it.  “I’m calling to wish you a happy birthday.”

“Hi mom…”  I managed.

*click*

She was gone.  I suspect that’s the last time I’ll hear from her…it was what?  Two years ago now?  Maybe only one…time gets all muddled in my head when I think of them.  I really shouldn’t bother…and don’t bother much anymore, really.  It’s quite freeing to feel that disconnect with my foster family.

The other reason for sadness on my birthday is my real mom.  I think of her all the time and, now I that I have a photo of her beautiful face I can picture her too.  I so wish she was still alive.  I need her.  I know she would have helped me with Colt when he was a baby.  I know she would have been there, rubbing my back and telling me things would turn out fine…this was just a moment in time.  I could have turned to her when I felt hopeless, like now….she would have listened, I’ll bet.  I imagine picking up the phone and dialing a number I know by heart to have her beautiful voice answer, happy to hear from me.  I imagine laying my head in her lap and crying over the pain…the unfairness of it all.

I so wish she was here.  I miss her so much.  What do you do when you don’t have a mom and need one?   D’s mom is worse than my foster mother.  She’s a cheap, mean, nasty bitch who only cares about herself.  She wanted to divorce D’s father who is sick and on disability (although works tons of odd jobs to be able to make the mortgage payments).  She went to a lawyer who told her that she would have to pay him alimony so he could maintain his standard of living and she was outraged.  Decided to stay with him to save herself the money.  Said it to his face.  He AGREED!  !!!!  *sigh*  Anyway.  She’s no mother substitute for me.

So….I guess it’s back to normal business for me.  Had a little rest…it was quite nice really.  D was awesome and dropped Colt off at the sitters every day…picked him up too.  He helped me clean the house and he made us a gorgeous turkey with stuffing and all the fixings for Thanksgiving…was delicious.  There was even a pumpkin pie with candles for me..lol.  Colt made D sing Happy Birthday to me several times…I got it on video.  I’ve watched it about three hundred times…I love it so.

The pain is … wow.  It’s just so bad I can’t get it to settle.  Every muscle in my shoulders, neck, jaw and face is taught and everything aches when I move.  Today, my spine feels like it’s bone on bone and nerves are twanging here and there.  I have to sit at an odd angle to be able to stand it for more than ten seconds and it’s putting pressure on my hips and lower back (which aren’t hurting me yet so I’m trying to keep them as they are).

My head hurts but that’s a standard these days.  The scary thing is that the worst of them are terrifying.  One started to elevate sometime through my mini-vacation from life and within ten minutes I was on the floor, holding my head with both hands, trying to keep it from exploding out through my skull, rocking and occasionally banging my head on the floor or wall to disperse the pain a little….feel something different.  It feels like a sharp, hot knitting needle is being driven into my head.  I cannot stop crying when I have one of these….crying gives me a headache, of course, so it makes everything worse.

If I can get the headaches under control, along with the fainting and excessive sleeping I’ll be so damn happy I might never complain again.  I’ll take the little aches and pains…the osteo issues in my fingers and toes, knees and elbows…shoulders…those things I can cope with.  Headaches that tunnel my vision, dropping like a stone at Walmart and sleeping from dinner time onward….just can’t scramble together a decent quality of life like this.

Only fifteen years to go.  I’m not entirely sure I’ll even make it to tonight.  What would happen if I just lay down on the floor and gave up?  Someone would have to pick me up and carry me to the mental health ward…is giving up on life a mental illness issue?  I’m not suicidal…just exhausted.

Ha!  That’s a great place.  So exhausted it’s better to think of death over life.  Goodness me…that was a miserable post.  Thanks for reading if you did.  Don’t let me drag you down.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

17 responses to “So I slept. A lot.”

  1. idenagroban says :

    Oh I’m sorry to hear about how miserable you feel. 😦

    Wishing you a happy belated birthday. I’m glad you got some joy from that video! It’s good to have something that makes you happy!

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you 🙂 My little man makes me happy just by being in the room. He was soooo sweet to me over my time off. Colt would come in from school and very quietly creep into the family room to see if I was asleep on the couch. When he found me there he would rub my back and wake me with kisses on my cheek. God I love that kid. It’s good to hold onto these moments. xo

  2. Kittyhere says :

    Great to know the guys made your birthday and Thanksgiving as special as they could. Hang on to those thoughts of your birth mom and know they help make you the wonderful caring person that you are.

    • Grainne says :

      *tears* Thank you Kitty. I’m so sure that there is much in me that came from her. She gave me this gift of life and no matter how difficult it becomes, I know I can face it because inside, I have her strength too.

      Much love to you. xo

  3. Mental Mama says :

    It’s been a bit since I had to be admitted to the hospital where I was doing it by choice, but I think if you just tell them you’re a danger to yourself they’re supposed to take you. At least that’s how it works here.

    I can’t imagine not having my mom. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my dad, but I’ve already told Josh to make plans to have me admitted to the hospital when something happens to Mom. It sounds like your mom is the reason you are as phenomenal as you are. Cherish that – it means she’ll never really die.

    • Grainne says :

      Oh Mama…You guys have me bawling at my desk! (In a good way!!!) My mom was an amazing woman…so strong. I know that her strength is a part of me as well. xox

      I read of your relationship with your mom and it often makes me smile. I’m so happy that you have her in your life and that you appreciate having her close. ❤

      • Pete says :

        My mum and I were best friends and would ring each other every day. We both got each other through some tough times. Sadly at 57 she was diagnosed with breast cancer which although all her nodes were clear she got it back four years later. I quit my job and looked after her fulltime for her last 2 years. I can’t even go into the last 6mths here because it upsets me too much. I miss my mum every day. There is something special about good mums. I try to be the best man I can be every day with her strength and courage inside me.

        I hope Grainne is ok, can any one here tell me anything?

        Pete

      • Grainne says :

        I’m okay Pete…I’m still here. Always okay. I’m sorry I’ve been absent (even more so than usual). Really struggling this time. xo

  4. worstcasescenariogirl says :

    your post made me start my day with a tear, but it was my first real tear of thanks for thanksgiving. you are getting through it, with honesty, hope and humor…doesn’t make it go away…but it is a sort of acceptance. thanks for sharing. People laugh, but birthdays are big for me…emotional and dramatic…but significant, it means I did it. I made it through one more year with all the horrible stuff inside and all the chaos around me, I got through…not a celebration of my birth, but of me being a survivor…of you being a survivor……Happy Birthday.

    • Grainne says :

      Oh goodness…thank you so much for this. You really made me feel strong…we are survivors, all of us here and there should be great pride when we make it through.

      *Cheers* From one survivor to another.

  5. rootstoblossom says :

    Happy Birthday. I know that feeling, so tired you can’t even think of suicide but kinda wouldn’t mind dying and being free from the pain and exhaustion. You’ll get through this too. Focus on the good, your awesome son. Save just enough energy to smile and hug him. Sometimes nothing else matters. xx

  6. Pete says :

    Oh my Sweet twin, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
    I’m so sorry about all the rest, we’ll talk 🙂
    Wishing you so much love and care, I know exactly how you feel unfortunately 😦
    Just wanna hug you until all the hurt disappears.

    Pete xxx

  7. Tilda says :

    Happy Birthday!

    Sorry it was so bittersweet, but I’m glad you have those special memories of your mother. I’m sure she’s watching over you.

    Take care.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks Tilda. *hugs* My mother is often with me…I’m not sure what I think of the afterlife but I know, for sure, that she is around …especially since Colt was born. xo

  8. Cat says :

    Happy birthday, Grainne

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