Taking a few days
I’m calling in for tomorrow and Friday. My body is hit it’s limit….breathing hurts and throbbing pain is just not giving up. My neck/shoulder area feel like an infected, throbbing tooth….have you ever had one abscess? I have…I remember standing over the sink, drooling and trying not to touch that entire side of my mouth with my tongue. That’s about what my spine, from brain stem to C7 feels like with an extra bone crunching surprise at C5/C6 and C1/C2 where the discs are nearly eroded away.
I’m so tired. I’m always so tired. You know….I don’t even think in terms of being awake anymore. I’m always some level of tired or exhausted. I feel like I need to sit down and take a break between tasks…talking too much wears me down. I can feel my energy leaving my body as I strive to pay attention and keep up with conversation. Words drain me so.
D is worried about me. He came to my office and surprised me with a McDonalds coffee with an espresso shot (If you’ve not tried it and you like espresso…do iiiiiit. So worth it). He said we were going for a drive, which we did, and we talked some. He knows the cycles. I don’t like my birthday, which is coming up this weekend. It makes me not able to ignore the fact that I miss my mom. *(Real mom, not foster mom…her I feel nothing for right now. A twinge of longing…guilt…sorrow. I can make it go away though, when I want to). Anyway.
I’m home now and struggling to stay awake. I could fall asleep right here, sitting up. Things are stressful for Colt at school…he’s not doing well merging with his peers. Last year he played with the little kids…this year, he’s on the other side of the yard and only has kids his age to hang around. Some are picking on him. His lovely little friend Emily, I think I called her in another blog, is very watchful and tells us when kids are messing with Colt. She says they are being cruel. She tries to get him away from them but they follow. (She’ll take Colt to a quiet spot and sit with him, quietly whispering in his ear, arm around him, heads touching. I’m crying now, writing this. That little girl is some angel…let me tell you.
Gotta stop. Getting all worked up again. I’ll just finish this quick.
The only teacher I trust, who is in charge of his IEP and programming, tells me that the kids he’s hanging around are very sweet and they are helping him. They want to be his friend so badly…one of these two is a girl and she wants to take care of Colt the way Emily does. She’s awkward with him though and he gets frustrated…starts swearing and cussing her out. She calmly tried to engage him again and he kicks dirt at her….god. I have two different stories going on. Anyway…will sort it out. Tuesday. Maybe tomorrow, if I have the strength.
Off to guzzle a mug of wine and I’ll be sleeping until tomorrow. Tomorrow night, hopefully.