Frightened

That fainting spell on the weekend has really thrown me for a loop.  I have felt, and can cope with a large amount of pain.  I can cope with infections in my bladder and other various parts.  I can cope with the nerve pain that shoots through my body (my face is so damn sore today) and the headaches…even the throwing up and ulcers…I can deal with all those things day by day.  Losing consciousness, however, is not something I can ‘cope’ with or force myself through.   I can attend a meeting at work if I’m in pain or feeling crummy but not if I’m out cold.  At least I can feel it coming on so I should have enough time to get out of the meeting room before I go.  Working in a hospital does have its advantages.  I’d not have to go far to find help.

Going through that spell on Friday really scared me though.  As I was going deathly pale and blue-lipped I started considering the things I’d need to tie up before I die…if I should drop dead, I mean.  I have three email accounts, this blog account and an account on that writing site I’m a member of.  If I dropped dead, there are quite a few people who will notice I’m gone….how do you deal with that situation?  I’ve been deleting stuff…personal stuff that would be left behind.  I had a couple thousand email from and to M saved for some reason. … I saved all the nasty ones where he ripped my personality and soul to shreds … at the time I thought it was to remind me not to go back but now I think I saved them to torture myself a little, when feeling down.  I deleted almost all of them…years of them.  It was kind of cleansing.

I started thinking about how I’d go about alerting people who would wonder and worry.  I think I’m going to compile a list of accounts and passwords and give them to someone close to me, like my friend MH or Drew….that way everyone could find out…be contacted.  I know it’s a bit grim and morbid but it scared me.  I have a real need to get my affairs in order…make sure my life insurance will cover D and Colt for a while if anything happened….get everything caught up at work, just in case…I don’t want to leave a mess behind.

I don’t think I’m actually dying or giving up.  There is no feeling of resignation or loss….it’s just dawned on me that no matter how strong I am and no matter how much I don’t want to believe it, eventually, my body is going to take over and it will win.  It has absolute veto power.  Should I push too hard, down I will go.  I feel a bit defeated.

That’s the word: Defeated.  I feel like I’m fighting myself (I actually am…aren’t I?)  I’m ignoring signals my body is screaming at me to pay attention to.  It’s a never-ending cycle …the pain never goes away and coping with it only gets me to the next minute over and over again for days…weeks.  I dream of it when I’m asleep. 😦

Everything can be taken away in a single moment and it’s my own body who is calling the shots.  It’s breaking down and telling me and I’m stuck in an endless cycle of trying to treat then manage the pain.  That’s where I get to every day…by the end I’m so tired of holding myself up I just collapse and sleep.

Speaking of sleep….my eyelids won’t stay open, my eyes won’t stay focused.

Fucking depression.  I was so hoping for a longer reprieve this time.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

9 responses to “Frightened”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    I understand that need, I feel it too. What will happen if I can’t let people know what’s happened to me? What will it do to my mom if I go before her? How will my nieces deal with my sister?

    Have you and D started working on finding another doctor to try?

    • Grainne says :

      Yes, we’re gathering up info right now. I’m getting copies of my hospital charts and diagnostic testing…then we need to find someone close enough to travel to. I suspect we’ll end up in the States somewhere which will cause a few issues….but still worthwhile.

  2. Kittyhere says :

    Having your affairs in order is wise. It should be done even if you were 99% healthy ( no one is really 100% are they?). And yes having a statement for your web friends would be considerate but having things set for C & D is paramount.

    I have one thing to say about passing out at work and it is that work is exactly the best place for it to happen if it does have to happen. Time to stop hiding just how bad things are. Hiding and coping and trying to make everything look fine is a pattern I know well. But dropping the facade is an important step towards getting people to see how badly you need help.

    • Grainne says :

      That is a strikingly good point Kitty. I hadn’t looked at it that way…just seemed so important to keep going on. I know you do understand that pattern as well as I do. Thanks for pointing it out..especially now. xo

  3. Pen says :

    Oh no. That sounds terrifying. I can’t even imagine. I know when I had chest pains and felt vaguely faint at work (though I didn’t pass out, thankfully) it was an incredibly scary situation.

    I really wish you could find a doctor that would actually consider some sort of plan for you. There is definitely something wrong on a deeper level.

    And the plan for notifying the internet world is a bit morbid, but I’ve turned it over in my mind a few times too. Sometimes for the hypertension/health issues, and sometimes because I’m worried about my depression and suicidal feelings getting overwhelming. I don’t have a plan in place because it scares me to make it seem like something that could happen. But I probably should. I don’t want all the lovely friends I’ve made to worry.

    Here if you need to talk, as always xoxoxo

    • Grainne says :

      Thank so much Pen. That’s exactly what I need…a doctor who will make a complete plan for me…or at least point me in the right direction. I’ve been referred to a couple of pain management clinics but they scare the hell out of me. The last one wanted to do “aggressive physio” on my neck (before diagnosis of “spine turning to dust”/ The neurologist I saw said that creep would have likely broken my neck. Can you imagine??

      So sick of all this. 😦 Thank you for being there, though…that really made me feel cared for. xo

      • Pen says :

        Oh no. That is terrifying. I’m glad you didn’t let the creep do anything to you.

        I bet you’re utterly sick of all of it. I can’t imagine that level that you deal with. Makes me feel dumb for complaining about my issues and fear of surgery/doctors.

        Sending you lots and lots of love, hugs, and puppy snuggles.
        XOXOXO

      • Grainne says :

        Oh please don’t feel that way about the things you’re facing! I have no fear of doctors or medical institution and very little of the testing has bothered me so far. What you face is as valid in size and scope as what I face. Xo

        Thanks for supporting me Pen. You always know just the right thing to say. *hugs tight*

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