That fainting spell on the weekend has really thrown me for a loop. I have felt, and can cope with a large amount of pain. I can cope with infections in my bladder and other various parts. I can cope with the nerve pain that shoots through my body (my face is so damn sore today) and the headaches…even the throwing up and ulcers…I can deal with all those things day by day. Losing consciousness, however, is not something I can ‘cope’ with or force myself through. I can attend a meeting at work if I’m in pain or feeling crummy but not if I’m out cold. At least I can feel it coming on so I should have enough time to get out of the meeting room before I go. Working in a hospital does have its advantages. I’d not have to go far to find help.
Going through that spell on Friday really scared me though. As I was going deathly pale and blue-lipped I started considering the things I’d need to tie up before I die…if I should drop dead, I mean. I have three email accounts, this blog account and an account on that writing site I’m a member of. If I dropped dead, there are quite a few people who will notice I’m gone….how do you deal with that situation? I’ve been deleting stuff…personal stuff that would be left behind. I had a couple thousand email from and to M saved for some reason. … I saved all the nasty ones where he ripped my personality and soul to shreds … at the time I thought it was to remind me not to go back but now I think I saved them to torture myself a little, when feeling down. I deleted almost all of them…years of them. It was kind of cleansing.
I started thinking about how I’d go about alerting people who would wonder and worry. I think I’m going to compile a list of accounts and passwords and give them to someone close to me, like my friend MH or Drew….that way everyone could find out…be contacted. I know it’s a bit grim and morbid but it scared me. I have a real need to get my affairs in order…make sure my life insurance will cover D and Colt for a while if anything happened….get everything caught up at work, just in case…I don’t want to leave a mess behind.
I don’t think I’m actually dying or giving up. There is no feeling of resignation or loss….it’s just dawned on me that no matter how strong I am and no matter how much I don’t want to believe it, eventually, my body is going to take over and it will win. It has absolute veto power. Should I push too hard, down I will go. I feel a bit defeated.
That’s the word: Defeated. I feel like I’m fighting myself (I actually am…aren’t I?) I’m ignoring signals my body is screaming at me to pay attention to. It’s a never-ending cycle …the pain never goes away and coping with it only gets me to the next minute over and over again for days…weeks. I dream of it when I’m asleep. 😦
Everything can be taken away in a single moment and it’s my own body who is calling the shots. It’s breaking down and telling me and I’m stuck in an endless cycle of trying to treat then manage the pain. That’s where I get to every day…by the end I’m so tired of holding myself up I just collapse and sleep.
Speaking of sleep….my eyelids won’t stay open, my eyes won’t stay focused.
Fucking depression. I was so hoping for a longer reprieve this time.