There she Goes Again

Depression, my dark mistress, so good to see you again.  You are the uninvited guest that eats up so many of my resources but allows me to feel the unhappy things I can’t dredge up at other times.  Good thing?  Who cares.

I fight all the time for things that really should be mine.  I fight for my son too and although it’s less taxing, it piles up on me at times.  I was really happy when depression gave way to the pain (Yes, I realize how strange that sounds).  The pain pulled me front and centre, attention fully focused on pain management.  The depression slipped into the periphery for a while.

The pain is pretty bad again, even though the meds help a little…mostly in the morning (is a 12 hour pill) but now…about 2pm, everything goes to shit.  Thanks to the weather or whatever caused this pain to start again…it was just want I needed.  Actually, thinking back, the flare up started a few weeks ago when I was dragging tables around.  Same day as that humiliating ortho appointment.

My shoulders, face, neck, head, arms and back really hurt today.  I keep clenching my teeth which is making my sensitive ones pain.  My jaw hurts so bad I don’t even want to open my mouth.  I’ve had my meds.  No help there, it seems.

The bladder infection didnt’ clear up with the drugs so I tried to drown the last of the bacteria with cranberry juice yesterday.  Big mistake.  My stomach was killing me by 10 and then I spent the night throwing up.  Morning too. Ribs are so sore from that.  Today I can’t eat or drink anything and keep it down.  Massive bubble of heart burn going on and my poor esophagus feels like it’s been burnt and scarred from that lava coming back up last night.

I woke up a little depressed too.  I can feel her claws scratching at my coat tails as I rush by trying to avoid her.  It’s a steep, slippery slope I’m looking at here.  I can’t find anything that doesn’t hurt inside me…not even a scrap to hold onto.  I have some good people around me and I try to hold on to them when they let me.

I’m in so much pain and I’m scared.  I’m scared of losing my job, I’m scared of the meds I’m taking, I’m afraid of the future for the first time ever.  I’m worried about my body and my mind…how many days can a person get up and just keep going on?  I wonder if I’m just closing doors…ignoring the stuff I don’t want to see.

I hide naturally…easily.  It’s so easy for me to fade into the wallpaper and not be seen or attended to.  I’ve been that way all my life.  I developed a way of leaving my body behind, like so many of you who read this blog, when things got scary.  Rape wasn’t so terrible when you didn’t feel it; if you closed your eyes and covered your ears and just left….then it was just a thing.  An act.  A moment that meant absolutely nothing.

I’m trying to do that with the pain and it’s not working.  I can’t be off in the clouds all the damn time.  I can’t get anything done in life because I’m dissociating while I’m awake and dreaming nightmares while I sleep.  The pain just never goes away.  Then as my poor body is trying to cope with this onslaught of meds and broken down parts, I get infection after infection.  I can’t get rid of this cold, this bladder infection, this heartburn.  I can’t make the throwing up stop even if I put absolutely nothing in my mouth all day.  My head hurts and nothing stops the pain anymore.  I can’t ignore my own head!  I can’t ignore the pain everywhere at once and still work and exist and survive and be happy???  Happy doesn’t make any sense to me anymore.  I’m not happy.  I’m living from day-to-day, sleep to sleep, moment to fucking moment for what?  Exactly?  For more of the same, only worse!   I’m waiting to wake up one night with the bubonic plague or malaria or something.

I’ve been told, recently, that I am ‘cold’ and distant.  I can see how I’d come off that way, coping with everything at once.  I’m sure my face isn’t all that inviting as I sit here trying not to double over in agony or fall asleep at my desk.  I’m also sure that I’m being a bitch to some people (Poor D gets stuck with it a lot of the time)….I’m just so tired.  Tired and angry, actually.  I’m pissed off that I have to cope with all of this after coping with all of *that* for so long.  I’m alone and scared and I don’t want to let my son down so I will keep getting up and coming to work.  I will keep plastering on a neutral face and try to hide my condition at work, at home.  I don’t want to scare people…I don’t want to worry them.  I just want to pretend that everything is okay….I just can’t do it anymore.  Everything inside me just screams to stop pretending.

What happens then?  That’s what I’m afraid to find out.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

8 responses to “There she Goes Again”

  1. Pen says :

    I’m sad to read this and sad things are so very hard for you. You don’t deserve pain and I hate that you are struggling so much. I wish there were meds that actually works consistently and didn’t make your stomach upset (throwing up is the worse).

    I also wish so so much that I had magic words of wisdom to make the depression seem like a cobweb you can just tear away. But I know it clings harder than any cobweb I’ve encountered.

    Know I am here though. Sitting with you (in spirit), giving you gentle hugs (thankfully the e-hugs are painless with you being so sore) and thinking of you. Email me if you need to. I am always here; god knows you’ve been there for me.

    XOXOXOXOXO

    • Grainne says :

      Oh thank you so much for your words…you always know just the right thing to say. Having people who understand around me does make things so much better. I feel so guilty about being depressed (i know, how self defeating is that?) because people try so hard to help….I want to feel better. I want to just get up and blow all the stress off and carry on being a mom and a good employee….but I can’t. It’s so hard sometimes, isn’t it?

      *Hugs you tight* Hugs never hurt. Thank you for yours…xoxo

  2. KittyHere says :

    Oh darn. You are so brave, and good. I know you do not want to hurt others but you do need to be honest that the pain is just too much, depression is back and you need help. You can not let protecting others eat you away. Pretending, even for Colt, comes at a cost that I do not think you can afford right now. Your web friends are out here listening and rooting for you.

    • Grainne says :

      That is so well put Kitty…”Pretending comes at a cost that I do not think you can afford right now” You’re right though I wish it was different. Colt is getting older….understanding more. He knows that I have pain and that I need to rest a lot to feel better. He came into the bathroom while I was in the shower this morning and peeked into the tub.
      “How are you feeling?” He asked with such genuine care and concern. *tears* I know he’ll understand. I just hate/love/hate that he is more taking care of me than I of him, just now.

      Thank you for standing by me. You have for such a long time. xox

  3. anotherhopeentirely says :

    I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with all of this. I mean, god, you’ve already had to deal with so much shit. You deserve a break. I wish I could somehow make that happen.

    And hiding…I understand that. There’s always the part of you that wants to stop and another part that’s terrified of what would happen if you did. I always think the unknown will be worse than the aloneness of hiding, but I’m not sure that’s actually true. It’s basically impossible to know.

    But I’m glad you’re talking about it here, at least.

  4. Mental Mama says :

    Oh how I wish for a working magic wand. I’d take away all of our hurts – body and spirit.

    I know you’ve got to be at your wits end with the doctors by now. Are there any kind of natural or homeopathic treatments that might help? I know there are lots of people here that will often supplement their “normal” medical regimens with alternative therapies. I’ve never put a whole lot of stock in an entirely homeopathic solution for problems as complex as ours, but many of them fall into the category of “it won’t hurt anyway.”

    The other thing that might be worth trying, and please forgive me if I offend you, is medical marijuana. My ex had terrible pain from a work related injury and smoking a little every day was the only way he could stand to walk. Another online friend of mine uses it to control pain related to fibromyalgia. Just a thought.

    *hugs* honey, hope you get some kind of relief soon.

  5. findingmyinnercourage says :

    As you know, I completely understand each and every word. Hold your head and slowly take control of the pain; don’t let it control you! Hugs!

  6. Pete says :

    Oh shit! My sweet twin, you poor girl. I am feeling the same kind of way. Pain has ramped up and depression follows. I sleep all the bloody time and life seems pointless. You’re not cold and distant, it’s the hiding of the agony that makes you appear like that. I am envious and angry when well people bitch about such trivial things!

    It gets impossible and I’m at that stage too, gobbling down tablets, wondering how I’m going to make it this time and is it actually worthwhile? Tired and angry for all the problems I have I long for rest and a peace, although II know I will never have a decent life. I have permanent things to live with for LIFE. I’m on that slippery slope with you Grainne and I too am very, very scared.

    Pete x

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