There she Goes Again
Depression, my dark mistress, so good to see you again. You are the uninvited guest that eats up so many of my resources but allows me to feel the unhappy things I can’t dredge up at other times. Good thing? Who cares.
I fight all the time for things that really should be mine. I fight for my son too and although it’s less taxing, it piles up on me at times. I was really happy when depression gave way to the pain (Yes, I realize how strange that sounds). The pain pulled me front and centre, attention fully focused on pain management. The depression slipped into the periphery for a while.
The pain is pretty bad again, even though the meds help a little…mostly in the morning (is a 12 hour pill) but now…about 2pm, everything goes to shit. Thanks to the weather or whatever caused this pain to start again…it was just want I needed. Actually, thinking back, the flare up started a few weeks ago when I was dragging tables around. Same day as that humiliating ortho appointment.
My shoulders, face, neck, head, arms and back really hurt today. I keep clenching my teeth which is making my sensitive ones pain. My jaw hurts so bad I don’t even want to open my mouth. I’ve had my meds. No help there, it seems.
The bladder infection didnt’ clear up with the drugs so I tried to drown the last of the bacteria with cranberry juice yesterday. Big mistake. My stomach was killing me by 10 and then I spent the night throwing up. Morning too. Ribs are so sore from that. Today I can’t eat or drink anything and keep it down. Massive bubble of heart burn going on and my poor esophagus feels like it’s been burnt and scarred from that lava coming back up last night.
I woke up a little depressed too. I can feel her claws scratching at my coat tails as I rush by trying to avoid her. It’s a steep, slippery slope I’m looking at here. I can’t find anything that doesn’t hurt inside me…not even a scrap to hold onto. I have some good people around me and I try to hold on to them when they let me.
I’m in so much pain and I’m scared. I’m scared of losing my job, I’m scared of the meds I’m taking, I’m afraid of the future for the first time ever. I’m worried about my body and my mind…how many days can a person get up and just keep going on? I wonder if I’m just closing doors…ignoring the stuff I don’t want to see.
I hide naturally…easily. It’s so easy for me to fade into the wallpaper and not be seen or attended to. I’ve been that way all my life. I developed a way of leaving my body behind, like so many of you who read this blog, when things got scary. Rape wasn’t so terrible when you didn’t feel it; if you closed your eyes and covered your ears and just left….then it was just a thing. An act. A moment that meant absolutely nothing.
I’m trying to do that with the pain and it’s not working. I can’t be off in the clouds all the damn time. I can’t get anything done in life because I’m dissociating while I’m awake and dreaming nightmares while I sleep. The pain just never goes away. Then as my poor body is trying to cope with this onslaught of meds and broken down parts, I get infection after infection. I can’t get rid of this cold, this bladder infection, this heartburn. I can’t make the throwing up stop even if I put absolutely nothing in my mouth all day. My head hurts and nothing stops the pain anymore. I can’t ignore my own head! I can’t ignore the pain everywhere at once and still work and exist and survive and be happy??? Happy doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. I’m not happy. I’m living from day-to-day, sleep to sleep, moment to fucking moment for what? Exactly? For more of the same, only worse! I’m waiting to wake up one night with the bubonic plague or malaria or something.
I’ve been told, recently, that I am ‘cold’ and distant. I can see how I’d come off that way, coping with everything at once. I’m sure my face isn’t all that inviting as I sit here trying not to double over in agony or fall asleep at my desk. I’m also sure that I’m being a bitch to some people (Poor D gets stuck with it a lot of the time)….I’m just so tired. Tired and angry, actually. I’m pissed off that I have to cope with all of this after coping with all of *that* for so long. I’m alone and scared and I don’t want to let my son down so I will keep getting up and coming to work. I will keep plastering on a neutral face and try to hide my condition at work, at home. I don’t want to scare people…I don’t want to worry them. I just want to pretend that everything is okay….I just can’t do it anymore. Everything inside me just screams to stop pretending.
What happens then? That’s what I’m afraid to find out.