I woke up on Friday with a cold. I knew it was coming but everyone seemed to just get the mild onset symptoms and then it cleared. Me? Ohh you know my body and I don’t get along so well. I got the mild onset then BAM! Woke with a full on cold, chest, head, sinuses, cough, congestion. My list of complaints goes on from there like the 12 days of Christmas song. I’m in a moderate amount of pain (shoulders through fingertips and then a band around my chest from neck to belly button). I’m trying to ignore it. My major joints are also in a state of panic. The cooler weather woke up that deep, aching pain in my knees, hips, ankles, wrists etc. and they all added their complaints to the list.
I suspect what happened was something along the lines of my body trying to fight off the bladder infection (and the infection in my nose) when the cold virus hit. I still have the bladder infection (nose is nicely clearing up) but it’s waning, finally. I’ve got a few more days of antibiotics to take yet so I think I’ll be okay when that’s done. Or, more okay anyway.
The doc upped my pain pills to double so I’m hoping those kick in soon. I have to pick up my new scrip tonight or tomorrow and I had hoped to have a more stable testing field (aka my body) but, as things seem to go, there will be nothing stable about me.
We have collected our thoughts on the school situation as well. D is finally considering moving Colt to a new school. It was terrifying before…sending him into a new environment with no friends, but the way things are going it’s looking like he has no friends anyway. Rather than have this fight with the school each and every year, only to resolve it somewhere near May, right before school is done for the summer, we’re going in full throttle. We will be asking for a daily report indicating what work Colt completed that day, along with teachers comments. Right now we have (Dun-dun-dun daaaa) NOTHING. We get zero info, zero feedback (because he’s not doing anything!!!). The teacher is going to hate us…so is the principal but this isn’t our first rodeo. These folks want to start again at the beginning since they’re all new players. Screw that…we’re pulling rank and if they don’t listen immediately, papers. Lawyer. Fuck it…I’ll go broke making this point if I have to. I have never in my life heard of such a struggle put up over adequately supporting an autistic child. !! I’m starting a facebook page for him. Maybe I’ll be able to get someone’s attention there. *sigh* I hate the world some days.
Wow I feel like crap. I’m a little depressed too…can feel it tickling the edges of my mind. The issue with D’s dentist and Colt’s teacher (et al), my pain in the butt bosses and my disillusionment, courtesy of the health care system….the dismissal of my pain by all the different specialities and the medication trials…gaining weight and pain at the same rate…. the nightmares, the arguments with people…the dyslexic way I interpret and create friendships… fuck. Fuck!!! Fuck YOU body/school/medical system/bosses/not-really-friends.
What do I do now? Start over? Sit quietly in my humility and try this all again? I wonder if this isn’t an endless loop, just like the depression was. I would dream of depressing things, wake depressed, lament over the depression and depressing dreams, write about the depression and depressing dreams…it was no big surprise that I ended each day depressed. My body changed that on me…made the physical pain the most important thing. I slept in pain, dreamed of pain, woke up in pain, begged for help, researched, wrote, asked a million questions…all about pain. When it was the centre of my world, everything I was could be defined through pain. The depression didn’t have a strong enough foothold to make itself more important than the pain.
So what now? An unhealthy mix of pain and depression? Ignore both until I can’t stand being alive any more? I mean, this is what I’ve been left with:
There is no particular reason for my spine to be degenerating and, although it’s painful, there’s nothing anyone can do. I will have to live the rest of my life in agony with no way out. So…cope with it. Cope with the pain and the depression…the anxiety and panic. Cope with all of the ingrained reactions and confusing signals; cope with the fear without ever quite understanding why. Cope with a disabled child who struggles so hard without being able to help. Cope with the schools and the peers…the friends he doesn’t have…the birthday parties he doesn’t get invited to. Cope with the job and the stress while in pain and so sick…..cope with the fact that you get zero recognition for doing so.
What is it that I need to do, do you think? Do I need to start over? A new job, a new attitude for the school board, a new place to live? Will anything be different if I run? (Sadly, I think it will end up the same no matter where I am).
Seriously. I’m trying not to dwell on the negative. I’m trying to be happy, forward focused, dedicated to a new way of thinking. It’s just that I stand tall and feel okay about it but then WHACK! Something crashes in to me and pulls me to the ground again. I can deal with the school. I can deal with the pain. I can deal with the virus and the random issues the meds cause me. I can deal with my asshole bosses and my job, I can deal with D and the stresses he faces, I can deal with Colt and the issues he faces….I can deal with my head and the issues I face….but really? I’m not so into the eternal coping idea. I feel, today, like it’s all just one big waiting game. I’ll fight and struggle and cope until I drop dead on the ground and they throw me in the fire to spread my ashes (knowing my luck they’d likely just sweep me up and dump me in the garbage bin). *sigh*
I’m not feeling well guys. 😦 Nothing inside me is feeling well today.