I just don’t understand.

Something, somewhere in my life I went dreadfully wrong and by the time I figured it out it was already far too late.

Karma doesn’t seem to apply to me. I try to be me…the me without barriers and locked doors, and I pay attention. I appreciate what I have to the fullest. I cherish it, really; every damn bit of it I can scrape from wood at the bottom of my barrel. I actually try to do nice things. I’m even nice to people who don’t deserve it. I love my child, with all my heart, and I spend every drop of energy I can on him. I could easily and happily live the rest of my life without serving a single one of my own needs if he could just be happy. Period. I think that’s a really good thing. (Of course I’ve taken the time to figure out how to get both of our needs met so there no need to sacrifice or suffer). I help people when I can because I was helped once and it saved my life. I know what it can mean to someone.

All that said, I must have been one hell of an asshole in a past life or something because I just never seem to stop paying for it. My loved ones also get the burden. It’s this point that is killing me.

I’ve just managed to collect myself. After meeting Colt’s teacher, and wow, was that an experience, and seeing the …. Well how do I put this? *Nothing* seems to fit. The woman is doing nothing so far. She is asking nothing of him, at all. He is basically allowed to join in if he chooses, but if he refuses, he “goes off in his own little world” to quote her.

“What happens when he does that?” I asked her with a slight grimace.

*blank stare directly over my shoulder*

“Oh he does all kinda of stuff! Lego, colouring, draws in his book. I don’t make him sit at his desk.” She said.

I must have looked horrified because she quickly added “I don’t make any of the kids sit in their seats. You know? Some like to get up and dance around.”

I quickly glanced at D to make sure he wasn’t about to take her down with a flying clothesline and then stupidly made it all worse.

“So are you following through with his IEP then or….?”

*Blank stare directly over my shoulder*

“Ohh, Uhhh,” she made a face like she had just smelled and tasted something rotten. I waited a second but that appeared to be her answer.

“Okay well, it’s just the first few weeks. We can chat about all that with the IEP team (We like to call them that. It really pisses them off.) I think we’re meeting next week right?”

“Yeah, mmhm.” She answered looking nowhere near where we were standing.

So we got home and asked Colt. It took patience and time on all of our parts but we managed to get some uninfluenced info out of him. The questions have to be phrased just right or he slips into “yep yep yep yep yep…” Basically, the EA comes in the morning and he writes In his planner. He has no schedule, no work. At recess (they said they would have a system in place so he could be given an activity at recess). Now he’s forced to be with the older kids. None of his class mates play with him. I asked him what he did instead and he said he walks around and says “hi” to everyone. Dan reiterated that for me later by saying

“Great. So he’s the retarded kid who wanders around saying hi to everyone.”

*Give me strength

Came home. Sat down. D gave me the rundown on the dentist. It’s going to cost us about 12 grand to get his teeth fixed. We think that we get 50% covered of that. Everything he needs is “cosmetic” they say. He was kicked in the face by his father as a teenager and all of his back teeth cracked. He wasn’t taken to a dentist and when he went out on his own it was like me…no money, no help, off you go. Surviving became the goal, not proper dental health.

Anyway. That was almost 20 years ago and I just now convinced to go to my dentist and see. Try. Trust me…he’s a good guy. I said. Well fuck me then, I have really bad judgement.

The dentist and the surgeon both made different plans while no one bothered to consider the fact that D explained we don’t have 10 grand to drop. He asked that they do what could be done through my benefits and they assured him they would help. No one helped. D paid 130$ for an appointment with an oral surgeon who didn’t even look in his mouth. He basically handed D a bill for $4000 to be paid for upfront in cash. The surgeon said it would take two surgeries, each costing about $4000 (not including any incidentals that occur). Best part? That didn’t even include the prosthetics or dentures. Ha. Ha. Ha.

So whatever. They lied to him or mislead him (and me) and now he can’t get his teeth fixed, even though they’ve started the work. We’ve paid for $700 worth of X-rays and molds of his teeth (covered 50%) now we’re stuck.

With the blow off I’ve most recently received from orthopedics I just overflowed last night….I started to lose it on the couch in the living room but Colt was there and was tuned right in…wanted to know exactly what I was feeling, as he felt the dismay we experienced, just didn’t understand it wasn’t his fault.  I got up quickly and ran for the back room, walked in without turning on a light and stood dead still, dropping my phone on the floor.  I lost it.  Deep, shattering sobs…I couldn’t stop them…all I could do was stand there and let it tear me apart.

Again, I will have to start from scratch with the school and force them to teach my son something.  We had settled last year…we were going to just use them as a baseline babysitter…as long as they taught him to read, write and do math we would deal with the rest through private tutoring (we can’t fucking afford to pay for).  This year….it’s not even a decent babysitter for him.  Colt is regressing now, even as we spent the summer getting him ready for this, I worried.  He’s back to watching toddler shows on tv and loses himself in past comforts.  I cannot bear to watch him slip away.

D is dismayed beyond words.  The medical system has failed me (or I was just expecting compassion where I should never have done so), him and our son…now the education system is doing the same.  Where am I supposed to find the will to go on?  Why the fuck have I fought so hard…NOTHING changes people.  Nothing.  It doesn’t fucking matter how much you care, how hard you work, what you put into it.  Nothing fucking changes.

I give up.


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

8 responses to “!@#$%”

  1. KittyHere says :

    !Different specifics but I listen to about the same frustration from my sister on Wednesday. FUDGE!

  2. twisterfish says :

    Oh my. I’m very sorry. Not that it makes it any better, but boy do I understand some of what you’re going through. 😦

  3. anotherhopeentirely says :

    None of this is your fault, not one little bit. Not at all. You care so much and try so hard, and that’s worth so much. I wish so much that that would mean things would go better in your life. I don’t know why you have to deal with so much, but I do know, absolutely, that it’s not your fault.

    I wish I could give you a big hug and make you a cup of tea. I don’t want you to be alone with all of this, and I wish there were more I could do to help. If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me. Do you still have my phone number?

    • Grainne says :

      *hugs you back. Thanks so much. I just gave up and went home…I have the afternoon to myself to sit here and cry then figure out what the hell to do for us all.

      I really don’t believe that you get what you give. I know I can be as perfect as a human can be and I’ll still have to face all this shit. I just can’t figure out how to keep going with things going to fucking awkwardly all the time.

      Thanks for being here. I do have your number…If I can’t sleep *which I’m attempting in a moment* I’ll bug ya. xx

  4. Mental Mama says :

    Allegedly the universe only gives us as much as we can handle at one time. You are one STRONG woman. You’re not really giving up, and you know it. You’re falling back and licking your wounds so that you can get up tomorrow and fight even harder – I know you.

    Email me if you need anything. ❤

  5. Pete says :

    Grainne, sweetheart…I so identify with being out on my own with no money and struggling and the sense of desperation that goes with it, that drop to the floor in tears Fxck it all moment that comes so gracefully with depression, anguish and desperation is something I’ve experienced and I don’t think a person can go too much lower. Hang in there twin you just never know what’s around the corner.

    Pete x

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