Frustration and Compassion
Everything is wrong right now. I’m okay…but nothing seems to be where it should; like I’ve woken up into a dream that doesn’t make sense. I’m all over the place with my heart, which is the worst part….I can’t figure out what to do about several issues concerning love.
I’ve come to terms with friendships, I think, having found some amazing people here in blog land and otherwise online. There are people who clearly care for me and my well-being which really sets me at ease in more ways than they know. A quick email from a fellow blogger can change my entire day, and it has, several times now. I don’t feel any pressure to “be” anything but who I am here and it’s such a blessing. I think that writing this blog has helped me not only see behaviour patterns I wanted to change but has also helped me find my voice and for that, I am very thankful.
I’m finally drawing boundary lines with people. I’m finally able to tell them no and not feel like I should have to explain why over and over again like I used to. I think I felt so guilty letting even the most simple request fall that I sought to justify my reasoning until the person understood why. I hate not understanding where and why I’m in a relationship so I try to make my ‘friend’ feel comfortable with my motives. Somehow, I’ve got it into my head that motive means more than expression.
My abusers always told me they loved me. They loved something…but it wasn’t me, that’s for sure. They loved having an outlet to put all of their sick desires, I think. I was so afraid to open my mouth and disappoint them that I was a sure thing. I’d *never* admit the abuse to anyone. We even played stupid games at home when we all pretended that nothing weird was going on. A quick rape, blow it off, who wants ice cream? I just don’t understand that behaviour.
This came up in a conversation I had yesterday. I was discussing perspectives with someone. They were acting in a way that was hurtful and openly cruel and I called them on it. Instead of chastising or suggesting they act a different way, I just asked them to please turn the tables and tell me how they would have felt had I done the same to them. Their answer was deeply honest, which I appreciated so much it quelled the anger in me over the event.
When I do something…anything really, I always always always consider not only my own needs, but the needs of everyone around me. If I think of .. anything… grocery shopping say. I think of what D might be doing and try to figure out if he would rather go with me or pick up Colt. I think of the extra responsibility on him and I consider Colt’s reaction, the sitter’s comfort and reaction and then, in the end, I balance that against my desire to go get groceries, including both my physical and emotional well-being. It’s a simple thing, thought all the way through. I’m then prepared for the outcomes I projected, and thrilled if they don’t come to light.
*I suspect D would be put out and a little annoyed at having to pick C up last minute. The sitter feels awkward around D because he’s so outspoken so she would likely be more happy to see me at the end of the day. Colt will be over excited to see his dad, who is not exactly the calming force in our family so he will likely feel a little overwhelmed and emotional. D hates it when Colt goes there so it will sour his mood slightly…making it so I arrive home with groceries to a grumpy D and a weepy Colt. // I’m hungry, have no healthy food to eat and I need some if I’m going to continue to lose weight. Worth it? Yes. I’d go grocery shopping. *
THAT is how much info is in my head when I make any decision. I can’t ever remember being any other way. Now it does cause a lot of needless guilt on my part. Like when a fellow blogger went away for a while and left me to update their followers after we caught up by phone once a week or so. I got really sick somewhere in there and missed a few weeks, then felt SO guilty at the thought of having let them down I was unable to correct it until they came back. I assumed I was in the doghouse for abandoning them. Of course, they were wonderful and told me not to worry one bit. Had I not made it so damn complicated, I could have skipped all that guilt in the first place and just called them! (So freaking easy Grainne…why make it so complicated!?)
So. I shared that with my friend in fewer words and asked his process, when making decisions. He told me that he generally only thinks of his own benefit/risk and tries to go on instinct with the rest.
Huh. That explains a hell of a lot of our past relations. He often slandered me or inadvertently put me down when angry and then allowed the reason to be dismissed as “I was angry when I said that”. *sigh*
My perspective building process includes statements made in anger. I don’t ever threaten D, for example, by saying I’ll keep Colt from him if we split the family up. D likes to lob that one out…well, to be fair, he’s not done it in years, but those words still hurt. I’d never keep him from his son….they need each other like sunshine and summer. Even the though of saying that to D brings tears to my eyes. The anguish he would suffer…they both would….without each other in their lives. I’d rather die than take that away from either of them, even when I’m absolutely furious.
I just don’t do things like revenge or hurt people just because I can. I don’t think it a clever trick…I think it’s a flaw in being human. I recognize that I’m kind of letting people take advantage of me when I consider them in my decision making process, but I don’t mind catering to people when the underlying emotion is love.
So I figured out why I feel so let down when people do not return the respect I give them. I know not everyone thinks about themselves only but plenty of people do. It must feel so lonely, only ever taking care of yourself. I feed off of the emotions I feel when I’m being kind to people, considering them always. I’ll always be more taken advantage of, but at least I don’t have to live my life feeling like shit about the way I’ve treated the people in my life.
Sounds like a decent lesson doesn’t it? I’d rather be like this than any other way….even if it hurts more. The one thing I can do with very little effort is cope with pain. No biggie. Understanding makes things easier for me anyway.
Compassion counts for a hell of a lot sometimes. Who knew.