Frustration and Compassion

Everything is wrong right now.  I’m okay…but nothing seems to be where it should; like I’ve woken up into a dream that doesn’t make sense.  I’m all over the place with my heart, which is the worst part….I can’t figure out what to do about several issues concerning love. 

I’ve come to terms with friendships, I think, having found some amazing people here in blog land and otherwise online.  There are people who clearly care for me and my well-being which really sets me at ease in more ways than they know.  A quick email from a fellow blogger can change my entire day, and it has, several times now.  I don’t feel any pressure to “be” anything but who I am here and it’s such a blessing.  I think that writing this blog has helped me not only see behaviour patterns I wanted to change but has also helped me find my voice and for that, I am very thankful. 

I’m finally drawing boundary lines with people.  I’m finally able to tell them no and not feel like I should have to explain why over and over again like I used to.  I think I felt so guilty letting even the most simple request fall that I sought to justify my reasoning until the person understood why.  I hate not understanding where and why I’m in a relationship so I try to make my ‘friend’ feel comfortable with my motives.  Somehow, I’ve got it into my head that motive means more than expression. 

My abusers always told me they loved me.  They loved something…but it wasn’t me, that’s for sure.  They loved having an outlet to put all of their sick desires, I think.  I was so afraid to open my mouth and disappoint them that I was a sure thing.  I’d *never* admit the abuse to anyone.  We even played stupid games at home when we all pretended that nothing weird was going on.  A quick rape, blow it off, who wants ice cream?   I just don’t understand that behaviour. 

This came up in a conversation I had yesterday.  I was discussing perspectives with someone.  They were acting in a way that was hurtful and openly cruel and I called them on it.  Instead of chastising or suggesting they act a different way, I just asked them to please turn the tables and tell me how they would have felt had I done the same to them.  Their answer was deeply honest, which I appreciated so much it quelled the anger in me over the event. 

When I do something…anything really, I always always always consider not only my own needs, but the needs of everyone around me.  If I think of .. anything… grocery shopping say.  I think of what D might be doing and try to figure out if he would rather go with me or pick up Colt.  I think of the extra responsibility on him and I consider Colt’s reaction, the sitter’s comfort and reaction and then, in the end, I balance that against my desire to go get groceries, including both my physical and emotional well-being.  It’s a simple thing, thought all the way through.  I’m then prepared for the outcomes I projected, and thrilled if they don’t come to light. 

*I suspect D would be put out and a little annoyed at having to pick C up last minute.  The sitter feels awkward around D because he’s so outspoken so she would likely be more happy to see me at the end of the day.  Colt will be over excited to see his dad, who is not exactly the calming force in our family so he will likely feel a little overwhelmed and emotional.  D hates it when Colt goes there so it will sour his mood slightly…making it so I arrive home with groceries to a grumpy D and a weepy Colt.  //  I’m hungry, have no healthy food to eat and I need some if I’m going to continue to lose weight.  Worth it?  Yes.  I’d go grocery shopping.  *

THAT is how much info is in my head when I make any decision.  I can’t ever remember being any other way.  Now it does cause a lot of needless guilt on my part.  Like when a fellow blogger went away for a while and left me to update their followers after we caught up by phone once a week or so.  I got really sick somewhere in there and missed a few weeks, then felt SO guilty at the thought of having let them down I was unable to correct it until they came back.  I assumed I was in the doghouse for abandoning them.  Of course, they were wonderful and told me not to worry one bit.  Had I not made it so damn complicated, I could have skipped all that guilt in the first place and just called them!  (So freaking easy Grainne…why make it so complicated!?)

So.  I shared that with my friend in fewer words and asked his process, when making decisions.  He told me that he generally only thinks of his own benefit/risk and tries to go on instinct with the rest. 

Huh.  That explains a hell of a lot of our past relations.  He often slandered me or inadvertently put me down when angry and then allowed the reason to be dismissed as “I was angry when I said that”.  *sigh*  

My perspective building process includes statements made in anger.  I don’t ever threaten D, for example, by saying I’ll keep Colt from him if we split the family up.  D likes to lob that one out…well, to be fair, he’s not done it in years, but those words still hurt.  I’d never keep him from his son….they need each other like sunshine and summer.  Even the though of saying that to D brings tears to my eyes.  The anguish he would suffer…they both would….without each other in their lives.  I’d rather die than take that away from either of them, even when I’m absolutely furious. 

I just don’t do things like revenge or hurt people just because I can.  I don’t think it a clever trick…I think it’s a flaw in being human.  I recognize that I’m kind of letting people take advantage of me when I consider them in my decision making process, but I don’t mind catering to people when the underlying emotion is love. 

So I figured out why I feel so let down when people do not return the respect I give them.  I know not everyone thinks about themselves only but plenty of people do.  It must feel so lonely, only ever taking care of yourself.  I feed off of the emotions I feel when I’m being kind to people, considering them always.  I’ll always be more taken advantage of, but at least I don’t have to live my life feeling like shit about the way I’ve treated the people in my life. 

Sounds like a decent lesson doesn’t it?  I’d rather be like this than any other way….even if it hurts more.  The one thing I can do with very little effort is cope with pain.  No biggie.  Understanding makes things easier for me anyway. 

Compassion counts for a hell of a lot sometimes.  Who knew.


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

5 responses to “Frustration and Compassion”

  1. KittyHere says :

    My decision making process is much like yours. Early on I believe we both took on the job of keeping the adults as passified as possible for our own emotional and physical safety. And we are females. In general males still are allowed more anger and self- centeredness. That said women who are self absorbed and oblivious to the feelings of others have caused me more grief than men.

    I think you might agree that to be mindful of only getting what we want is not a trait we would wish for.

    The fact that D has not spoken or acted as badly in the last few years is a sign not only that he is growing up but that you have taught him to treat You better. Compassion should always be a two way street.

    • Grainne says :

      I learned that compassion should be a two-way street from you, Kitty. 🙂 It feels good to feel like I’m as entitled as the rest of the world.

      I agree with your comments on passifying the adults in our lives when we were young playing a huge role in who we are today. xo I feel good about the way I see things….taking in different people’s needs along with my own. I think it’s made me a much better mother than I ever would have been without it. I’ll bet that’s why you were such a great teacher as well.

  2. rootstoblossom says :

    I agree with Kitty, that this tendency to over think, over prepare is a survival habit we learned. I had no idea until the past year that everyone didn’t go through that process. It is exhausting, but definitely a good skill for planning the day with kids and meeting everyone’s needs. I have also only recently put my own needs into the process, glad you are doing the same. It does feel great being as human and needy as the rest of the world, though I have to keep reminding myself I am entitled and actually do deserve it. I think women are better at this too, hubby struggles to tune in and often makes a kid cry before he realizes that he was not considering their side at all.

    • Grainne says :

      Hey you ❤ I knew yu and Kitty would understand. You guys think so much like me I almost assume you will these days. lol

      It's a good point you make there. I've seen D do the same with Colt, not even realizing that he might have an opinon in the mix. Colt, having a harder time than most kids his age at getting his thoughts across ends up mute with frustration while D just stomps around. Luckily, I've been able to catch him now and then and he's starting to see what's going on outside of his own bubble. The other day Colt got mad at something and stomped off, bam bam bam up the stairs, started slamming doors and things in his room. D and I were in the living room and we looked at each other…he said "not one word" and then went off to talk to him. lol….life lessons come in the strangest places. Who knows. Maybe Colt is the one helping D rather than the other way around.

      Thanks for the comment. xx

  3. Pete says :

    I have compassion and care in spades xxx

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