Foot in Mouth – Body on Mind

Well. 

The office I work in is an old building…kind of a make-shift fill in arrangement until construction is complete at one of the campuses.  People move in and out of here as their space becomes available but some of us are stuck here for a good few years yet. 

Down the hall is a lovely older woman who works for HR in some capacity.  She is sweet, kind…lovely to chat with…I just ran into her on the way to the bathroom.  We talked about summer for a few minutes, easy small talk, and then she dropped it on me. 

“So….(big smile)….You’re expecting!?” 

Fuck. me.  What?  “No, I’m just getting fat.”  I replied. 

She was horrified, of course, and bumbled around trying to find some words to make that seem less insulting (she meant no harm).  I laughed it off, waved away her worry with my hand and smiled….told her it was cool, I wasn’t offended, was a mistake. 

“How horrible of me.  It’s just that everyone has been saying there’s someone who is expecting a baby in your department.  I thought it would be you because you’re still so young.”  (yeah, bit late for the compliments now!).

Greaaaaaat.  So.  Let’s run down the list of my coworkers shall we?  Of the ones who could still give birth (i’m going with 49 and under, to be extremely generous):  One is a stick person who works out ten times more that she eats.  Wouldn’t be her.  One is about to send her only child off to med school…no babies there.  The two young ones in the office are also teeny little people who had their babies and then immediately bounced back into their pre-baby body with ease.  Everyone else is already a grandparent.  Soooo…yeah.  It’s me they’re all talking about. 

The one thing I could always count on to feel good about was the way I looked.  Now, what do I have?  Where is the prize for all this fucking coping?  So now I don’t get to be sane, I don’t get to be healthy, I dont’ get to be out of pain AND I’m 20 pounds away from the weight I was when I was nine month preggo.  Maybe I’ll suddenly develop some fucking face eating disease so I can look as hideous as I feel. 

Super. 

Why can I not make things go right?  WHY is everything that I cannot control getting out of control all at the same time?!  What do I DO?  Stop eating so I can be thin again?  I’m sure I’ll be told to get used to it and accept myself for who I am, not what I am…but the who has been tricky for me and the reason to give a shit even trickier. 

I weigh 140 lbs.  Those words just made me cry. 

I am trying so damn hard to make this all turn around.  Something has to give…right?  Right???  I mean, I’ll deal with the CPTSD, anxiety, flashbacks, dissociation and depression.  I’ll work my way through it all and I’ll survive it too.  I’ll deal with the physical pain in my bones, muscles and nerves; I’ll deal with the headaches and constant vomiting and diarrhea.  I’ll take on Colt and his autism, fight for him every step of the way until my dying breath and through that, I hope to teach him the things I learned the hard way, before he stumbles down the same path (as best I can, anyway).  I’ll deal with having no money, no assets, no house.  I’ll deal with the shitty cars that break down because we can’t afford new ones.  I’ll cope with D coming home every third night to announce that he’s going to get fired or quit….. 

…..but for crying out LOUD can we NOT make me fat and ugly too!?  Seriously.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!  Enough is enough.  I’ve PAID my dues.  I’ve suffered as expected and I’ve come through in unexpected ways.  I’ve fought for my life…every step, and yet every step seems harder than the last. 

So what do I do?  Just let go of everything I was and hope that I still like myself a little on the other side?  *tears*  I want outofthis outofthis outofthis!!!!   This is not fucking fair.  I must have been one hell of a bitch in a past life…..

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

9 responses to “Foot in Mouth – Body on Mind”

  1. KittyHere says :

    I am going to say that the fact you have been ill when you first get to work in the morning started the “someone is expecting a baby” rumor. Unless one of the young skinny ones is and they don’t show yet (if ever).

    • Grainne says :

      (I’m so jealous of the skinny ones!!) Good though there Kitty. I’m really good at getting sick in near silence, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. I do have a sway back posture (body counterbalancing my head so my neck doesn’ thave to work so hard) and *any* weight shows on me. I’m just really not used tot his…having a body who seems to work against me every step.

      That said, I guess it’s a great reason to try to overcome my distaste for public pools.

      I just can’t believe I’m that person who gets asked if she’s pregnant. :S *hugs you*

  2. Mental Mama says :

    Honey, I take shits bigger than you! I’m 5ft 6in and weigh 265lbs at last check – I’m the fat one. Unless of course you’re only 3ft tall.

    Women are bitches. Not us, other women. Next time someone dares say something (I dare them) you look ’em right in the eye and say “yeah, I hope it has your husband’s eyes” and see what they do.

    BWHAHAHAHA!!!

    • Grainne says :

      WOAH! LMAO! That’s a hell of a good line! Lolol…thank you for making me smile! I know i’m being a touch oversensitive about it all….just came as a shock.

      Thanks for having my back. *hugs you*

      *still giggling at the thought of a 140 lb shit*

  3. Pen says :

    Holy. Shit. That is the worse. I hate hate hate hate that question. Even when I was pregnant. Unless I offer the fact, don’t fucking mention it.

    I especially hate it because I had people say it even after I miscarried. Fan-fucking-tastic.

    140? You and I are pretty similar weight darling. Obviously your coworker is just an idiot.

    XOXOXOXOXOXO

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks so so much Pen. I knew you’d understand this post so well……(omg that must have been a nightmare after you lost your baby!!! I don’t think I’d have been able to leave the house.).

      My posture is not great because of the spinal issues. It has a bit of a sway, like a little girl has…butt sticking out, chest forward. It makes it so that a couple of pounds can look like 20. 😦

      I ate a little tuna salad and an apple for lunch today. Had to force it down. I don’t want to hurt my body any more than necessary but wow….I feel huge.

      Thank you for being here. xox

      • Pen says :

        Aw sweetie. I don’t want that dolt’s insensitive words to turn into any body image issues. I’m sorry it caused trouble.

        I went into crazy starvation-mode after my miscarriage for multiple reasons. It’s always a bad spiral. Try to be gentle with yourself. It was that women’s issues, nothing to do with you. XOXO

  4. Pete says :

    140lbs isn’t much at all, plus with all the bullshit you have you don’t need that. You could have unleashed Churchill’s great quote when told by a woman he was fat.
    “Madam I can always lose weight, but you’ll always be ugly!”
    The super skinny ones are always the nasty ones, you’re all class!

    P xx

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