A new day

I spent some time (into the wee hours of the morning) reading through my posts from the last 3 years.  It astounded me to find that most of what I was complaining of in 2010 is more or less the same thing I’m complaining about in 2013.  How’s that for frustrating?  I’ve spent three years running in a tight figure eight, trying to find my way out.  Did it do me any good?  Sure….the therapy bits were helpful….the soul searching was helpful…the rest?  All I can see is years wasted on medications that didn’t work and anguish that didn’t go anywhere. 

My dreams?  Same again.  Same people, same parts of me, same terror, same fears, same warnings.  NOTHING has changed.  I live in the same house in my dreams that I’ve lived in for years….momentum from life usually carries me through these dream buildings but this last five years has been nothing but pacing, wandering and waiting.  I feel like a ghost in my own way.  I haunt the places that feel the most broken while I sleep and then spend my days trying to avoid them. 

I didn’t understand people as a child.  I didn’t understand why no one saw my pain.  I figured it was as plain as can be on my face…..I just didn’t realize it was an internal face I was referring to.  I’ve kept it all inside, even though I wrote it all here, this inward perspective has never been very sharp.  As an adult, I understand people even less.  Isn’t that a shame?  That whole ugly childhood and my only concrete lessons are that a) I can survive pretty much anything; b) the only person you should count on is yourself.  {I often wonder how I’ve managed to teach Colt that people are good.  I’ve assumed that he can apply my words to his own relationships somehow}. 

So now I sit here with this blog of 600 plus posts, all torn down and made private because I’m horrified with myself for just sitting in this puddle for so long.  Now, that’s not to say that I didnt’ need that time to heal.  I needed the time and structure so I could build myself a bridge between myself and the people in my dreams (whom I believe are just other reflections of my own self.  Rather than carrying my most painful secrets and memories, they carry my strengths).

Then there’s the pain.  This pain that took me from the inside out and made my present moments the only ones that would register.  It’s sort of an ally in real-time.  I can only sit for so long and worry over my dreams and feelings while my spine is shooting off bolts of breath-taking pain.  Sometimes the only thing I can feel is that pain gripping me.  It’s a blessing to be pulled from my thoughts, even in such a brutal way. 

Then there’s the rest.  The desperate need to connect, to nurture, to salve someone else’s pain; as if healing them is the only way to find solace of my own.  I can feel my boundaries crashing down around me when they come to me, watery eyes and trembling, so needy and lost.  I forget my tongue sometimes with these people and they turn and run as if I’ve pulled out a weapon.  They look to me with horrified eyes, overwhelmed by the immediate shift.  This group of people…the ones I need so much to take care of, are not resilient in life.  I suppose I select them for that very reason….so I can try to lift someone who is as low as I have been.  I guess the trouble here is that these folks are looking to be saved.  I try to guide them gently and they get angry with me, wanting and expecting more.  The feel entitled and then I feel instantly indebted.  I have never successfully pulled anyone from their personal hell, of course, as it’s likely impossible anyway. 

I’ve been avoiding the changes I need to make.  I simply cannot stand the thought of spending another decade wasting away, lost in love with something that doesn’t exist.  If the surgeon was right….if I only have ten good years left, I so badly want to make them count.  I want to be able to look back and feel satisfied, not vacant.  In ten years Colt will be 19 and I will be closing in on 50.  I want happiness, comfort, peace and love.  I’m going to fucking TAKE it, if I have to.  Enough is enough.  This has just been going on for too long. 

Starting fresh here.  I’ll post the old ones day by day…one new, one old.  I think I’ll post an old post then respond to it in my new one…..find the puzzle pieces that fit slowly and surely so I don’t end up running another hundred laps around the same track.  If I end up writing the same damn thing in another three years, I’ll have to double check my methods. 

 

Have any of you found a way to see through your own sadness and just felt better for a short while?  If so, and you don’t mind sharing…can you tell me how you did it?  Any thoughts are welcome.  I need a lot of help with this.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

8 responses to “A new day”

  1. nocivum says :

    I wish I knew something that would be helpful to say. From what I hear, it just takes lots and lots of time and growth, and while we may learn to understand ourselves, be more regulated, and adapt, we will never have the opportunity to live a “normal” life (whatever that may be). Profoundly depressing but sometimes it’s better to just know that and go with it. I hope you are well.

    • Grainne says :

      I was just reading your blog posts…latest two. I’ve felt the way you do about therapy right now. Thank you for reading my post and for commenting. It helps to know people are out there who understand.

      I don’t even shoot for ‘normal’ anymore. I just want to not be so stuck.

  2. Pen says :

    Hm. That’s interesting. I was just thinking the other day that my blog has just been a loop too. I’m just past my one-year anniversary and I feel like I’m not much past where I was. I supposed I’m a bit more co-concious but recently the splitting has begun again; so there’s not even that.
    My health is complete shite lately. Blergh.

    Anyway, that’s not helpful to you at all. I think your idea of an old post and a response is interesting. I’m not sure in what way at the moment, but definitely interesting.

    For me, I’m never really happy for truly long periods of time. But sometimes I’m able to think to that day/week/month I was happy and it gives me a momentary smile. And that is good.

    • Grainne says :

      You know, it does help to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. xx Thank you. I am trying to go day by day with the happy moments….that’s a good plan, holding onto those little bubbles of happiness. Easy does it. Will likely work out better in the end. *hugs you*

  3. Mental Mama says :

    Sorry sweetie, no time for anything other than utter pissed off right now. (not at you) Just know I’m thinking of you and wishing you well.

    • Grainne says :

      Oh thanks for every stopping by! I know you are crazy busy this time of year.. Just keep focused and before you know it things will level out again. I’m just about to launch into crazy busy myself. September is insane around here when the university classes start up again. xx

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