MRI and Other Stuff

I’m still working on what I want to do with this blog.  I’ve turned all the posts to private for now but didn’t realize you guys who are email subscribers would get notifications every time I reposted…I have over 600 posts here.  ..sorry if I blow up a few mailboxes.  I’ll try to do it all at once so I only cause inconvenience one time, rather than spread it out over weeks.

I just wanted to throw out a quick update for those of you who are concerned.  Warning you now….you are about to get entirely too much information about my physical well-being.

I had my seventh MRI on Tuesday afternoon.  It was very difficult, unfortunately.  I very nearly panicked in the machine and almost fainted, but somehow managed to keep it together long enough to make it through.  I’m having nightmares about the plastic cage they snapped over my face before they shoved me in.  Will get past it all..

Today, though…friday.  I woke up feeling fine and when I got to work, not having any change on me, I ended up having a tea rather than a coffee (which I’ve weaned myself back on to).  It didn’t sit well from the first sip but I put it down anyway.  Big mistake.  I knew I was going to be sick so I got up ages before hand to allow lots of time to get to the bathroom (I can time it down to the second now, thanks to all the meds and throwing up said meds for a few years now).  When I got into the hallway I gagged a little and then my bladder just fucking let go and I pee’d myself all the way down the hall (running).  When I got to the bathroom I was immediately violently ill.  I couldn’t control my bladder or my bowels suddenly and made a huge mess…I didn’t know which way to turn, what to do.  Urine kept leaking out of me and then the diarrhea…jesus it wasn’t pretty.

I’ve been having trouble controlling my bowels and bladder fora few months now.  It came on the same time that my arms went off (pain shooting from shoulder to fingertips and numbness) but those have healed or released or whatever happens to my nerves when they start hurting).  I could hold my bladder before but had trouble ‘going’ or starting the flow of urine.  I have almost no sensation in my backside either now so I can’t really control my bowel movements ….  This is starting to really scare me.

Not to mention the humiliation of peeing myself as I ran down the hall.  Of course, even though half of the offices are always empty, everyone seemed to be there this morning.  Everyone realized what was happening and they all knew the trail behind me wasn’t water.  I had to clean up the mess in the bathroom (thank god for chlorohexidine) which only made me throw up more, and then had to shuffle a wad of paper towel along with my foot as I made my way back to my office.  My coworker was kind enough to quietly call maintenance (they’ll have to treat it as a biohazard…yeah, no attention drawn there) and called me while I was sobbing in my office…told me to go home.  I did just that.

Landed here and downed a couple of alcoholic drinks along with all the meds I threw up this morning.  I’m feeling only slightly better.  I’d like to die of embarrassment and fear, really.  If I can’t even control by body…how can I possibly get through this?!  THIS is the best I’m going to feel?  THIS is my ten years before I have to lie down and maybe not ever get up again?  At least not without incredible pain.  Should I just start wearing adult diapers?  God.  *tears*.  I called my doc.  She wants to do a scope or two to see if there is any damage that could be causing the trouble.

Head is just spinning.  I’ve been crying for hours.  D, god love the man, is on his way home right now to take me out for a while.  I hope I can just forget this day ever happened.

Miserable update, I know.  Will get some of my old miserable posts up later this weekend to round off the week.



About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

12 responses to “MRI and Other Stuff”

  1. Kittyhere says :

    You should not be ashamed of being sick and not making it to the restroom. I know it is hard to turn that conditioned humiliation off but try. Not at all your fault that you sick from the meds.

  2. Pen says :

    Oh sweetheart. Thank you for the update, I have been wondering about you. I’m so sorry it’s been so rough. Your friend above is right; there is nothing to be ashamed about. It is not a personal thing or something of your choosing that happened. I am so very worried about you though. That sounds scary. I can’t even imagine.

    Please drop me an email if you feel like. I don’t want you to feel alone in any way. I’m just hanging about like a slob most of the weekend.

    So so so much love and healing thoughts ❤ ❤

  3. Mental Mama says :

    I was wondering about all the emails, but I hadn’t made it that far yet. Sorry to hear you’re having such a shit time (no funny intended). Let me know if there’s anything I can do. *hugs*

  4. Bourbon says :

    I’m sorry xxx ((hugs if wanted))

  5. twisterfish says :

    Oh I’ve been thinking of you alot lately. Sorry things aren’t going well. 😦

  6. ittymac says :

    Hold your head high. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck. Lame as it sounds, I’m sending positive energy to you.

    • Grainne says :

      Hey thanks very much for this. It doesn’t sound lame in the least…please, send any scrap of good energy that you can spare. I appreciate every last drop.

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