This was written a few years ago and has been archived to my private files, but I have a new friend here who had a similar ex and I wanted to share this with her. If you’ve not read it, this is a brief summary of my very short-lived marriage to a guy I don’t think I ever quite properly loved.
I took that letter out last night when I got home from work and read it through. It’s almost funny, how backwards he has things, but it’s very telling in many ways. Well, Dear Readers, may I introduce to you, my ex husband.
He was pretty irritating to live with, that one. He wasn’t physically abusive, well, not in an extreme way. He did grab me hard enough to bruise more than once and beaned me with a telephone one time, sending me to the Emergency room for stitches. He was extremely immature and spent much of his time trying to ‘yell’ me into submission over one matter or another. If I didn’t want to do something he wanted to do..I was a failure as a wife. If I didn’t feel like being intimate, I was gay “you MUST be gay” says hairy fat white guy with enormous beer gut “if you don’t want to sleep with your own husband?! (Scratches balls)”. Ugh. It all wouldn’t have been so bad if he had only said his piece and left me alone, but Harry (hee hee!) would never stop. Arguments with him lasted hours…like 12 hours, and he NEVER shut up. I would get to the point of completely ignoring him because no matter what I said, he would just not drop a topic for anything. If I tried to leave the house, he would follow me, and would continue his rampage in public. If I locked myself in a room that had a window, he would go outside and come in through the window. Once, I locked myself in a room with no windows and he tried to take the door off by removing the hinges. Realizing, too late, that he was able to do this, he got miffed and took an axe to the door, splintering it, terrifying me but gaining entry. He paused for about three seconds, dropped the axe and carried on with his stupidness.
If I didn’t respond he would do this: “Grainne? Grainne? Grainne? Grainne Grainne Grainne? GRAINNE! GRAINNE GRAINNE! Grainnegrainnegrainne??! Graaaaaaaaaaainne? Grainne? Grainne! Grainne? I swear to God, this could go on for hours. I think his record was about 5 straight hours before I burst into tears and screamed at him to shut up!!!!!! (he didn’t).
Anyway – the point of my story is this. We were only married for a brief time. His last communication to me was a letter that he sent through my mom. I don’t think that I have ever been so affected by something someone else said about me in my whole life. I’ll tell you, at the time, I believed every single word he said. How’s that for PTSD for you?
(he was extremely condescending in this letter, using my name every few lines)
Grainne, I have decided to write how I feel *blah blah blah… let me begin by saying that I acknowledge my abuse of you Grainne, but Grainne, I feel USED! You have developed a pattern in your life of ‘vamping’ people for what they are willing to give you. You never ASK for what people are willing to give but you TAKE. When you discover that these people have wants and needs and opinions and FAULTS just like your, you no longer find them entertaining.
Grainne, people do not exist on this earth to be YOUR life-force. You cannot ‘vamp’ others. And if you think I’m crazy for confronting you with this why don’t you ask *here he names about 30 people from my past including my abusers, my mother, and a guy who raped me*. Ask these people from your past what their main emotion is in connection with you. (Um, maybe fear of law suit!!??)
Grainne, you have little or no principles. You are spineless. You can’t make, keep, or even try to keep promises. You coast through your life believing that you never have to answer for anything. It is no wonder why you allowed me to abuse you for so long. There’s no cosmic secret Grainne. You don’t stand for anything!
Grainne, forgiveness starts inside (finally, a valid point!). I forgive myself for the pain and turmoil I put you through. I forgive myself for abusing you, Grainne. Do you forgive yourself for using me? I cannot forgive you yet, you may be able to forgive yourself. The door is never closed Grainne.
Love forever, Harry
He was serious about that you know. Do I forgive myself for using him? I didn’t use him…I put up with his crap and his stupid family for years. However…here’s where the guilt fits in. I don’t think I ever really loved him…I think he might be right there. I cannot, for the life of me, summon up one single emotion in connection to him. Nothing. Nada. Like it never happened. That said, there’s a hell of a lot of trigger responses in here.
Ahh. Well now, wasn’t that a nice little rant?