Resolution

Okay.  You know how I say that I don’t really believe that everything happens for a reason?  I mean, I do…kind of, but really, I think life is a collection of events that are driven by the choices you make.  I know for a fact that I end up in certain situations because I put myself there.  Sometimes I’m trying to end up somewhere else but by following the same footsteps generally ends me up where I always end up.  I think we all do this to ourselves and it’s hard to see because it’s so ingrained into our thought processes.  Now, that said, I am also coming to believe that doing nothing is also a choice.  To explain:

Dayne and I have been looking casually for a new place to rent (or a cheaper place to buy – the town we live in is well above our income bracket to own) since we moved there eight years ago.  We have rented the same cold, unfinished, tiny, converted cottage all this time.  This winter just passed was so cold there were days I couldn’t convince myself to leave the couch to go pee.  It’s not exactly luxurious, but, since it’s just the three of us it was fine.  Inexpensive on rent and fine.  Still, we looked.  I happened upon a place for rent in town about a year and a half ago on a free posting board and contacted the owner by email.  I had missed the rental by two days but he said he’d keep my contact info just in case it came available again.  Last week, I got an email from him letting me know that the property will be available for rent again this summer and he asked if we wanted to come by and see it.  We thought about it and decided not to bother will all the expense.  I hadn’t answered the guy though….for some reason.

Then Saturday happened.  We had just been out to get groceries and as we returned the landlords called to us from across the field.

“We have some bad news guys.  We are going to have to ask you to move out this summer.”

Their oldest daughter is graduating university and the rental house on their land was always to be hers once she was done school.  They had said nothing but we had been hearing screaming battles between them recently so we knew something was up.  The husband was so compassionate….told us flat out it wasn’t us, we were great tenants, he loved having us live there.  He apologized so many times it began to lose meaning and told us over and over that the only reason he was even considering asking us to leave was for his daughter.  The one thing we totally understand is family….I told him so; thanking him for being so kind and for having us so long (8 years!).  He said he’d provide us with a great reference and had even arranged for us to see a tiny place friends of theirs were willing to rent us so we could keep Colt in the same school until he goes to high school.  I don’t have to explain how much that particular kindness was appreciated.

So.  We panicked.  Dayne started tumbling into fear, telling me we were about to lose everything; we’d have to move to the cheapest and most delinquent area of town in the city we work in, pulling Colt from his class and his friends.  I panicked with him but then, realizing we maybe still had another option, I quickly emailed the other guy back to see where that place stood.  The moment he answered with “Oh yes, it’s still available.  I was waiting to see if you wanted to swing by and have a look before I advertised.” I exhaled and felt the stress leaking right out of me.

Monday we went around to see the place.  There is a huge two car garage on the lot and Dayne had well convinced himself that it was not included.  I didn’t want to get his hopes up so I let him think that without investigating further.   Upon our arrival to the place on Monday afternoon, we watched our possible future landlord drive up in a very nice truck and before we’d even crossed the street I asked about the garage.

“I do keep a few things in the back, locked up, but yes, the whole thing is yours if you rent the place.” was his reply.

Dayne just about giggled, he was so elated.  He’s been missing a garage for so long…we’ve never rented a place that had one included.  This one is set up as a shop, is heated, alarmed and will provide tons of space for all his tools.  The man has many, many tools.  lol

The place is amazing as well.  It’s a lovely two bedroom so not too big to heat in the winter or keep cool in the summer.  It has central air.  (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  It has a real kitchen with counter space AND a place to put a table.  This will be the first time we’ve had a kitchen table since before Colt was born.  The place comes with appliances (our fridge is just about to die, our stove hasn’t worked for well over a year, our washer is leaking and our dryer is coming with us).  It has a deck.  A deck!  Did I mention the double garage??  It’s kind of like a little dream come true for us.  Colt isn’t stressed in the least about the move (yet) because we’ve presented it to him as a brand new adventure for our family.  The other benefits that he doesn’t realize yet is that all of his school mates will be living right around us.  Right now we’re outside the town on a busy road.  We will be moving right close to his school onto a freaking beautiful pie shaped lot so no one is looking into our back yard.  *Happy Sighs*  it’s pretty amazing.

So.  Sometimes when you make the choice to do nothing, the world changes around for you without bothering to ask your permission.  We had this place dropped in our laps BEFORE we were told we had to move.  When does that ever happen?!

Dayne has been all cuddly and sweet since then.  He’s saying this is all me…I am the one who brought in this opportunity and the wonderful energy that goes with it.  The landlord said he’s happy to rent to us.  We’ve already accepted.  That one, was meant to be.  I can’t think of anything more perfect to have happened.  We went from stressed to resolution in less than 48 hours.  Neat huh?

I always enjoy new starts.  I’m so looking forward to purging nearly everything in our current place so we can start fresh at the new one.  I’m going to get a tan this year.  Deck!!!!!  God I love to lie out on a nice warm deck.  The lot is amazing too….neighbours are around us but they all have pie shaped lots and the houses are turned slightly away from each other.  I am SO excited for this change.  So excited.

Happy things keep coming my way.

I got to see my dearest friend Tiffany yesterday, which will be another post at some point.  I also got flowers from the staff today….they just wanted to say thanks for everything I do for them.  Could this day get any better?

Happy Grainne.  I’m tired, I have a headache bigger than my actual head and I’m cold sweating like crazy but I couldn’t care less.  It’s a good, good day.  :D

After a moments thought…

Well this was unexpected. Sometimes Necessary change is ignored out of fear. We don’t like forced changes, us humans. Well, most of us don’t. I’m not too worried and leaving this place behind because I don’t bond with places or things often. I just hate the upcoming invasion of my world.  It’s just a building again. Belongs to someone else. I’m living in a building that belongs to someone else who no longer wants me here and I’m wandering in directionless circles with my phone in my face…aimless. 

Huh. What else is new. I do hate the transient nature of moments in time. 

Fuck. Moving 

I knew this would eventually happen. We have to move. The landlords want the place for their eldest daughter who is now threatening to leave home. My beautiful place of isolation and solace is being taken from my hands. 

Now we desperately scramble for somewhere in town so we don’t have to pull Colt from his school and the amazing people he has here. 

Fuck. 

Dayne instantly goes to the worst case scenario. He says we can’t afford even 100$ more in rent. We have to move back to the city into the worst, poorest area to be able to afford to live. It’s not true but I just  told him that the second he makes us do that I’m quitting my job and living on disability.  Done. I’m not breaking myself for an even crappier life than I already have. 

FUCK!!! Went from an awesome day to one that is even worse than usual. 

I can’t sleep. Happy thoughts are keeping me awake. 

Haha!  I’ll bet you thought you had the wrong blog didn’t you?!

Well it’s close to one am and still here I sit. It seems I’ve entered my stress induced insomnia phase for the month. 

I’m happy though. Quietly so.  I worked late tonight and when I came home Colt plopped himself next to me on the couch with the brightest smile and a happy hello. He put his back to me, hung his too-huge feet and ever-stretching legs over the arm, leaned against me and started up his video on his phone again (which is really just a wifi functional, restricted iPhone but it’s perfect for his needs as he can text us when he needs though the day). It was so….normal. So comfortable and comforting. I have never felt that I belonged anywhere like I do here. 

  

Just…happy.  Good grip on work again, great stance to support what the lad needs of me, great perspective to move forward on. Everything is changing from the way I cope with the spinal pain to the way I mash my way through the hopeless moments. Do you know I’ve not taken a thing for anxiety in a long while?  I have three months of scrips that have gone unfilled. I have never been this much in control of my insides. All of my stress is now at work and most of my sadness resides in my dreams.  

So.  One am and off to sleep I go with a smile on my face. I have good love around me now. It’s what I needed. I’m learning to let go of the constant worry, I think. Can you Imagine?  (And no, I’ve not been drinking, lol) 

Dreaming of Russia and waking to love

Well isn’t this fun.  I can’t believe how much work I have to do in such a short time.  I go from so busy I don’t even stop to pee to so busy there is no way to actually complete the amount of work I have to do in the time allotted.  I’m taking a momentary break to write and clear my head.

Oh!  Message for Violet, if you’re reading this….I’ve been trying to send you two responses to comments on your blogs but my phone is being frustrating and won’t seem to post them.  I think it’s the wireless down here in the hospital basement.  Anyway, I’ll keep trying.  I wanted you to know I hadn’t forgotten about you.

So.  I’m missing my friend Sara these days something awful.  She was that one touch-stone that I knew I had no matter what and we always kind of celebrated the start of spring together, knowing it would get a bit easier for her to get out and about without the biting winds and snow of winter.  I was always worried she would slip on ice and fall somewhere when the weather was bad.  I guess she doesn’t need to worry about that anymore though….wherever she is.  I wonder if she would be surprised by the aching hole she left behind her….probably not.  I still feel a perfect split of despair and joy when I think of her and how much pain she felt in life.  At the very least, she has silence now from the things that ate at her body and soul.  Such a soft, warm love I feel when I think of my friend.  I hope she can feel it too, somehow.  *sigh* Sara….I miss you so much.  Everything in my world is still a little bit off, without you in it.

I dreamed of other people’s anguish last night on endless loops.  I found myself as a child inside a very harsh prison where everyone was about ten times my size and spoke in Russian.  They were defeated, lost people; angry as hell but muted in a way that made it seem like their anger would never be realized or expressed.  Many of them were locked in small, narrow cells where they only had enough room to pace for about 6 steps in two directions unless they walked over their hard, cold yoga mat for a bed.  It was late at night and the doors were all locked and quiet.  Lights were off and there was an overall hum of silence broken only by the rustle of cheap polyester sheets as the inmates tossed and turned.

I was young and very small and could easily slip between the bars of the cages the prisoners were kept in.  I crept down the dark, damp, under-ground feeling corridors and peered into each cell and waited for my eyes to find the human shadows in the dark.  I crept up to a sleeping body, male, muscular and tattooed with a buzz-cut bald head as per prison regulations.  The hair was just starting to grow back and looked spiky and soft to the touch so I reached out and stroked his head with my fingers, relishing the feeling of the prickly hairs on my skin.  I lingered too long, once, and the inmate’s eyes flew open, his hand clamping to my wrist so fast I didn’t see him move.  I tried to pull back but he held me there, startled and blinking, trying to figure out who or what I was and why I was in his locked cell in the middle of the night.

“I’m not here to hurt you!” I quickly said, instantly flushing crimson because I felt so stupid.  I obviously wouldn’t be much of a threat to a grown man ten times my size but I didn’t know what else to say.

“Are you here to help me?” he asked in Russian, which I understood somehow, but didn’t answer.  I didn’t know why I was there.

I pulled back and moved towards the bars, intending to leave his cell, but he jumped up, panicked, reaching for me and moving in a tumbling, frantic way to get to me before I was through the bars and beyond reach.  He got to me just as I was through the bars.  I felt his hand on my shoulder, warm and not aggressive, and I stopped.  He begged me silently not to go and I reached back in, still half way through the bars, and wrapped my arms awkwardly around him.  He seemed so young, like a child suddenly, in a grown man’s body.  I stroked his back as best I could from our awkward embrace and I turned my face to his chest and could both smell and taste the need in him.  I wanted, so badly, to help…to heal; maybe just to provide comfort and connection but I soon realized that I wasn’t really there (I have an odd sense that where I am is not real when I’m dreaming although I never realize I’m actually dreaming).  I watched my arm fade and start to vanish and he let me go, feeling the shift along with me.

“Please come back some day?” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.  I smiled, nodded, promised I would.

I think I woke there for a moment and then fell right back into the same place.  I wandered the same hallways and found a door leading down to what I assumed to be a cellar/dungeon/solitary confinement.  The walls were actually made of damp dirt once I got three or four steps down and it felt like being buried alive, like there wasn’t enough air to keep me alive down there.  I forced my heart and breath to slow and calm, reaching back to memories of diving in another time, and pushed on into the darkness.

I came to a cell that had a tiny window at the bottom; one I had to lie on my belly to look into.  I felt exposed and in danger, lying on the ground in the dark like that, but I had to see what was inside.  It was a woman….a girl, really, and she was sobbing into her hands silently, her body shaking with sadness.  The room was tiny and there was nothing in it aside from her and the little window allowed enough room for my hand to reach through, so I did, stretching my fingertips towards her huddled shadow in the even-darker black of the cell.  I could *just* reach her and the moment our skin made contact she jumped, wild-eyed, straight up and shrunk back into the deepest corner of the room.

“Why are you here?” she yelled so shrilly that it hurt my ears.  “What do you want?”

I didn’t want anything from her, I just wanted to touch her and pull something from within her, out.  She was too afraid to move though, so I pulled my hand slowly from her cell and stood up again, moving along down the dank hall that seemed to never end.

I don’t know what that was all about.  Everyone there was Russian…I’ve never been to or associated with anyone from Russia so, probably random.  I must have seen a video or heard something on the news that triggered the dream setting.  Still…woke up so achy inside and so lonely.  It hurt, not having finished whatever it was I was doing there and it’s been bothering me since.  Maybe I just need to give something back…take care of someone or somehow reduce their struggle.  Maybe it’s about Colt and my wavering confidence that I am doing right by him.

Ohh speaking of Colt…those morning cuddles are what keeps me going.  Every morning now, he waits for me to wake him, to climb into his bed and scoop him and his blankets up into my arms.  I’m sure I’ve said this before here but the best feeling/smell in the entire world, for me, is hugging my boy and laying my cheek on his head.  His soft hair and all the smells that are purely, humanly Colt.  If he would let me I would lie there for hours with hair in my face.  It’s kind of strange because I quite dislike anyone else’s hair touching me, particularly around my mouth (it’s the germ/OCD thing that’s to blame there).  I also intensely dislike the feeling of someone breathing on my face but when it’s Colt, all I can think is how lucky I am to have him in my life.  This morning he shoved his entire head under my chin, and I was in heaven for the ten minutes we spent waking up.

I’m so grateful for the little things these days.  How could I not be?  I wish I could dole out hugs to you all today and share that feeling of being so connected and loved.  :)  Hugs for you all, from here, at least.  xx  On with the crazy work day for me.

Isolate 

I was in the car with Dayne and Colt earlier this weekend and we were chatting about the traffic. We don’t live in a huge city but the traffic sometimes acts like it; especially on holiday weekends. It seemed everyone was on the road, either out to get food to host company or on the way to someone else’s house and they were all going to the same store we were going to, apparently.  I was looking from window to window, surrounded by cars and drivers and traffic jam and was near-panicking when I said:

“Holy shit I am so incredibly glad that our life is so quiet and secluded and we have only each other to visit with this weekend.” 

From the back seat “Uh mom…..?” 

“Sorry Colt. I didn’t mean to swear.” 

From the front seat “So, you know that most people would rather spend the weekend with more than two other people right?  I mean, people other than the ones they live with.” 

Well, way to make me feel like a freak.

“Yes, Dayne, I do realize that but thanks ever-so-much for bringing it up!” I laughed, so genuine he didn’t even pause to see if I was mad. I thought about it though, for moments afterward. 

“You know, you aren’t meant to be stuck inside the house just because I am. You know you can go out and do things whenever you want right?”  

I’m sure it sounds awful and says little for my character but it honestly has never occurred to me before (in 15 plus years) that Dayne might actually want to go do things; be friends with people. I just thought he was like me. Then, with a thud in my chest, I realized what this sort of behaviour model would do to a kid like Colt. 

“I know that I’m allowed,” Dayne paused to smile at me to make sure I knew he was in on the joke. “but I don’t want to do stuff without you guys. If I go out and do my own thing, you will start to go out and do your own thing and soon we won’t be doing anything together at all. When it comes down to it, I don’t want to trade that, for this.”  

Oh. So, given the choice, he’d want to pack up the car and drive off to family gatherings every second weekend; spend holidays with others and have people just drop by. (No one has set foot in this house since my family last visited when Colt was 3. He is 10 now.) 

I was suddenly crushed with guilt. 

Oh my god. Have I secluded these two souls in here with me?  I never had anyone come over when I was a kid…my dad was drunk and unpredictable, his hands went everywhere and my mother never stopped crying in the bathroom and I couldn’t make excuses fast enough when I had to do it live, with someone standing right there. 

I had tons of friends when I was married to Harry. People came by every night, at some points. It was after he tore me down and tired me out that I left him and then formed this bond with Dayne. We clung to each other…he was so angry from life and I was just so hopeless and out of energy. I was still standing though, when we brought Colt into the world, screaming, miserable and inconsolable. Another failure of mine that tipped the scales of mental balance and plunged me into that darkness. It took me this long just to crawl out. 

So yes, justifiable in ways but still not okay. This isn’t the life Dayne wanted. He’s in here because I’m in here and we are teaching our autistic son (who often seems to lack instinct not created from experience) to stay in this place with us. That’s terrible in my head. 

I have to let people come in here. Let Dayne go make friends without fearing that it will trigger the loss of us somehow. (I’m quietly fearful that he’s right though. I bet I will seek company if I do not have his. It is somehow in my nature to do so, whether I vehimenly deny it or not.)

I didn’t mean to fuck things up for them too. They might even have a somewhat normal life if it were not for me. (Dayne won’t even let me say that out loud. He would jump in here to tell me about all the things I bring to this family, and would flat-out deny that they would be okay, in the least, were I not here). 

  

Better place to hide 

I found a way better hiding place compared to the basement locker room. 

   

     

The beautiful symmetry of this managed forest makes my brain purr. :)  I’m reveling in this peaceful  moment and wanted to bring you guys with. Xx

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