Grainne Alive

Inhaled a bit of fall today. I feel like I was just transfused. 



Last of the 30’s

You guys!!!  I’ve was awake for 15 HOURS yesterday. In a row!  A ROW!  I am almost in tears I’m so happy.  I feel like I actually had time to do things yesterday. I got groceries, went to the market for veggies for thanksgiving dinner, cleaned some of the house, got a load of laundry down, went for a drive and got some fall pictures 

And I even had time to watch a movie and relax and I didn’t fall asleep the moment I  sat down. I painted my nails too. That all seems like an impossible amount of things in one day for me. 

Best part?  I taking almost nothing dose wise. I feel alive again. Like me again. Closer than I’ve been in years. Decades. 

Today is the last day of my 30’s and I feel like I’m 20 again. Not 80 like I did two weeks ago. I feel awake and bright…vivid and engaged.  I am so thankful.  

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians!  Birdie Xoxox hope you guys have a lovely long weekend. 

Bye bye 30’s. Onto the next adventure. 



Forest pics

From my last post…



And then the happy….

This new med seems to be working.  I’ll be honest, I was pretty doubtful that it would help this much.  I don’t have a lot of luck when it comes to medications.  I often get the strangest and least common side effects and whatever it is the drug is meant to do, doesn’t always happen for me.  This goes from antidepressants to pain killers to antibiotics.  This time, however, things seem to be looking up.  I’ve only taken one dose each day and things have been getting better.  Yesterday I was awake ALL evening and didn’t actually go to sleep until after midnight.  !!!!!  That hasn’t happened to me for a very long time, unless I was up because of the pain or anxiety (and in truth, not even those things combined were keeping me up much).  I was tired and I think I could have slept had I gone to bed but I was enjoying being awake that long too much … the day felt like it lasted forever.  I’m really looking forward to this weekend when I might actually be able to have 24 hours of awake time.  *Big smile*  Also, it’s my birthday on Monday AND a long weekend here in Canada.  We have Thanksgiving this weekend and it always falls around my birthday so I often get paid a stat holiday to be off for it.  I love having Thanksgiving in October.  It’s far enough away from Christmas that they are two very separate holidays and it’s a really nice way to celebrate fall with the lovely trees changing and all the pumpkins and squash around.  Dayne is going to smoke a turkey (it’s defrosting in our second fridge right this moment) and we have a full-on kitchen this year so we’re going to make it a huge dinner.  Last year, in the old place, we did the bird on the spit roaster attachment tot he barbecue but the oven was broken and the stove could only be used one burner at a time before the fuses would blow.  It was slow going….good thing there is only three of us!  This year we have a brand new gas oven and four working burners in a kitchen that is wired properly so we can actually use it.  I’m SO excited to think I might actually be awake enough to help and make it a fun day for Colt.  He loves to celebrate and he loves to eat his dad’s cooking (Dayne loves it too…the cooking.  It will be nice to share it with them rather than be snoring on the couch in dreamland).

Sounds like a good way to welcome my 40’s…don’t you think?  :)

Oh!  Just now there was a knock on my office door and one of my favourite coworkers was smiling in my window.  She came in with a little gift bag singing Happy Birthday lol!!!  She and I love the same styles and jewelry so we often take little breaks up in the gift shop that has the most beautiful stuff…that buyer is such a tasteful and original woman.  Anyway, we were up there last week and looking at some silver rings they had out.  One was a leaf that wraps around your finger and has little glass crystals running along it.  I loved it but didn’t want to spend money on myself after all the things I’ve recently had to buy (or wanted to buy lol) so I put it back and thought I’d think on it later.  She got it for me.  <3  We generally don’t exchange gifts for events or Christmas but she said because this was a special birthday, she had to get me a little something.  It means so much more to me than it did before because she gave it to me.  What a sweet and wonderful gift.  I love trees.  I have trees all over my office in all forms.  When I first met my birth mom’s littlest sister she gave me a cast iron tree candle holder.  I was floored that she seemed to know me already.  I carry around a small wooden knot that came from a tree that was once in the backyard of my childhood home.  They cut it down when I was 8 because it was infested with tent caterpillars and I was devastated.  It was the tallest tree on the street by far (so big they didn’t cut it down for fear it’s expansive roots dying would upset the stability of the soil they were building the houses on).  It must have been so old….towering far, far above the houses and power lines and city.  It was a weeping willow and I’ve always felt a little pang in my heart when I see one since then.  I rescued a few chunks of wood to keep after a company came to safely chop it down (it totally destroyed the neighbours fences for 15 houses along the street when it came down.  They were planning a much slower descent than what actually happened lol.  I loved it.  Felt like the tree was getting its revenge).  The wood was taken from me when my mother found it in my room but when she pulled it from my bedsheets a little knot got caught on my pillow case and stayed behind.  I still have it.  I gave it to Dayne many years before we got together as a symbol of our friendship, he meant so much to me, even before I fell in love with him.  He kept it and now it sits in my jewelry box in a little velvet box, all worn smooth from being held and looks almost as if it’s stained and polished.  One day I’ll string it onto a necklace or something…I’m just too afraid that I’ll lose it somehow.  It’s something I don’t ever want to lose.

Another tree story was when I found my mom’s grave after meeting her sister about 7 or 8 years ago.  It’s a long story…I’ll write it another time, but there was a huge falcon in the cemetery that day, when I was looking for my mom.  The bird, I believe with all my heart, lead me to her.  My mom is buried right beside an old willow tree that sits in the graveyard, much younger than my childhood tree by many decades, but it is home to the beautiful falcon who met me there that day and showed me my mother’s grave marker.  The trees make me think of her.

And then there’s my forests and the peace I draw from them.  Have I ever showed you guys my forests?  The places I wander when I am awake and needing solace?  I’ll try to remember to post some photos when I get home later today.

So yeah.  This little gift means so much to me.  She knows it too, my awesome coworker who is also my friend, for reals.  :)

What a lovely day this turned out to be.

Wow. Some people….

I had one sour point to my day – I went absolutely out of my way to be there for that jerk who insulted me yesterday because I knew he was going to have a stressful day.  I still wanted to offer him some support.  He doesn’t have much of it in his life (and no, I don’t wonder why) and I really care about that asshat for some stupid reason.  I didn’t even read his snotty email response to me….skipped it entirely so I wouldn’t be annoyed with him and told him I’d be there for him if he needed me.  His day went differently than planned but he didn’t bother to tell me, badmouthed me on his blog and just ignored my kindness.  I’ve given him all of my heart and all he does is complain about how I’m not **** enough.  Good, warm, compassionate, attentive, positive, affectionate, loving, available….you could put just about any adjective in there and it would probably be something he’s said to me at some point in time.  I’m not even what he wants as a friend and yet, he keeps trying to force me to be something I’m not and then get mad at me (and guilts me!) when I don’t stay there.  How can someone who just read this email think I’m just looking out for myself and couldn’t care less about his needs?

I see you’ve written me but I’ll wait until tomorrow to read what you wrote – If you’re picking a fight I don’t want to take the bait and make your day frustrating in any way….I know today is important to you.

I just want you to know that no matter how you feel about me right now, I’m thinking about you and sending every calming vibe I can find.  I hope, with all my love, that the appointment goes exactly as planned today and you come away with the scrip you need to get back into life.  I know it will help you focus and feel better…find some motivation to keep pushing forward.  I’ll be here for you if you need me.  I’ll open Skype shortly and will leave it open for you today.  I have a lunch meeting but aside from that I’m free and will make myself free after work as well. 

 Okay?  I love you.  Breathe deep today and don’t worry.  Things will work out and you’ll be back in action before you know it. 

Grainne x

Soooo never mind then.  Asshole.

Medical Update

I did go see my doc on Monday, as planned, and got my questions answered about the other things I went for.  Dayne was supposed to come with me to help support my claim that I needed more medical help than she was giving me.  Unfortunately, he forgot to ask the sitter if we could drop Colt off early that day (appt was at 0800) so when the time came his best idea was to bring Colt with us.  I didn’t want to disrupt the morning that much on him, plus, I didn’t think it appropriate or wise to have my autistic 11-year-old son in the room while I begged for help from my doctor.  So I went alone.

Things turned out better than usual.  She was apologetic about misleading me on the sleep study but said that she really wanted the specialists opinion based on a full consultation and then the study.  I told her I had no problem with having the consult, just that I didn’t think I’d make it another year like this with no relief in sight.  This is where I decided to take a different pathway, which ended up working.  I told her, flat out, that I wasn’t drug seeking (she adamantly interjected that she never, once thought that of me), that I had proven to be responsible with the narcotics (even reducing them when I felt I could) and that I had tried every medication she had asked me to for at least a month at a time to ensure the results I was getting were leveled out.  I started with Tylenol 3’s and went very slowly up from there to the drugs I have to take now.  I don’t use any street drugs and have urine tests to prove it as often as she asks me to and I don’t drink a lot of alcohol.  I changed my diet to a more plant based, healthy one and etc etc etc….I wasn’t discarding her advice and came in for regular follow ups.  She agreed in full….then I asked her, if she agreed, why she was not willing to prescribe a low dose stimulant to see if it helped?  Even just until the diagnostic testing was done?

“Well…I didn’t want it to interfere with the study” she said.

“….the appointment was a year away when I first asked for help…?”  I answered.

And that was that.  She wrote me a scrip for a small dose of a stimulant and gave me a three month supply.

…  Okay then.

I filled it yesterday after looking up side effects and contraindications and, satisfied that what I was doing would be safe, I took my first dose yesterday.  It didn’t do much but I did end up feeling much more awake and didn’t actually go to sleep until 8:00 ish last night.  Maybe it was even a bit later because I remember Colt going to bed.  I was worried I wouldn’t sleep well since I took it later in the day than recommended but I was fine.  Woke up every hour or so in pain and had to roll over but, aside from the usual dreams, I work up pretty well rested.  I took another at 10 this morning and again, it seems to be pushing the exhaustion back a bit.  I’m still a bit sleepy in pockets that seem to come and go rather than just sitting there on top of me for hours on end.  All positive so far.

I figure that by next week I’ll have a good sense of how it makes me feel and if it’s helping or not.  My doc said she’d raise the dose if it wasn’t helping enough.  She suggested not taking my pain killer or muscle relaxer for a day or two over the weekend to see the difference in how I feel, just in case they are contributing to the sleepiness.  I’m interested to see how that goes.

So…counting down to 40.  This is the last week….only four more days of my 30’s.  I think I’ll make it.  :)

Drama Queen

A friend of mine read my last blog and wrote me a one sentence email that said:

“Has it ever occurred to you – I think that you need someone who makes a big deal out of absolutely everything.”

At first, that put me right off and I was annoyed that he was judging me but then I thought about it some and realized he’s probably quite right.  I know I don’t have the worst life in the universe and for those of you who read my blog, you’ll know I’m pretty dramatic and emotionally overblown in the moment….particularly right in the thick of it all, when I’m panicking and feeling all disillusioned and let down.  I do realize that a sleep disorder, ptsd, an attachment disorder and chronic pain from my arthritic spine and all that goes along with it are NOT the worst problems I could have.  In fact, I’m pretty lucky in the end.  The pain won’t kill me, the additional hours of sleep won’t kill me, my disabled child is thriving in his own way and it’s so bad off he’ll need to live in a group home when he grows up.  The ptsd and depression is a pain but I have the power to heal a lot of that and have done so in the past decade….but I’m not seriously mentally ill and unable to work like some poor souls are.  The friendlessness is hard sometimes but I have the ability to draw people to me when I need to feel less lonely, particularly at work where everyone is easy to get along with and we all just want to go home at the end of the day (no pressure for social events or wanting more more more – just a great group of humans who will chat with me and we can all feel good about not having to call each other every weekend to catch up).  Really, life is okay.

So if life is okay, then why do I make such a big deal out of things?  It’s just how I feel inside.  I don’t sound like my mind is racing a million miles a minute in person but what is raging inside of me is still there, even when I’m still on the outside.  I feel things enormously.  I don’t know how to change that (or if I would even want to, were I able).  I like the overwhelming wave of emotions in some cases.

This morning I was driving into work and had my phone plugged into my car stereo.  A song came on that I love and I let it slide into my head and kind of stepped back to let whatever feelings it drew out flow.  The song has the warmest strings in the beginning and, being a music major in school, I almost can’t help but interpret and pick out the sounds, one by one.  I paid attention to the strings first and then the drums.  Then I let the guitar and piano lines merge into one and I connected like I do….feeling like an 8-track recorder playing all the sounds individually but also at once.  My major was always vocal so that part always speaks to me quite clearly, however it’s the subtleties in the accompaniment that makes my heart start to beat faster and my breathing sync with the time signature of the piece.  From the inside it feels quite like each part of the music is a single line of emotion that runs inside, outside and all around me.  When I get to sing on top of all that beautiful sound turned emotion I can express things in song that I’ve never even been close to touching on in real life, without the music.

That might not have made much sense but it’s a huge, expressive, emotionally connective and draining and wonderful experience all at once and it happens to me, pretty much, every single morning on my drive in.  I just have to find the right song that my heart needs to connect with on that particular day.  It’s not hard because I most often wake with song in my head and it somehow links the awake me back to the dream me and all the stuff that is usually lost in between suddenly makes sense.

This is a piece of how I experience the world.  Over blown, over exaggerated, whatever it is…it’s a part of me and better yet, it’s one of the parts I’ve learned to love.


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