I went home last night and slept for hours and hours. Dayne was late coming home (has been working out of town these last few weeks) and I was ready…had dinners for Colt ready to go in the fridge (for once). I didn’t force feed him the moment we got home because he chose a banana for snack (what a good kid) and then wasn’t hungry enough to eat even though I was worried that I’d fall asleep and leave him starving. Colt isn’t the sort who makes a fuss over the way he’s feeling…ever. Hunger motivates him, of course, but not the way you might expect. He feels it but has a very well developed way of ignoring it (ahem. Wonder where he got that trait from). Even as a baby, he didn’t complain about things like dirty diapers. He could be soaking wet and dragging a soggy diaper around, falling off his butt it was so full, and never, once, did he ever ask to be changed. It just didn’t matter to him. Same goes with hunger. He can be starving hungry and won’t mention it until offered food. So…this makes me rather paranoid at times and nights like last night come up. I was worried he’d not wake me and it would suddenly be midnight when I snapped awake to find him playing on his iPad, unbathed, unfed and wide awake. :/ Anyway…I managed to stay up until 630, got Colt some pizza and salad and that was about me. I did get Dayne on the phone to make sure he’d be home in time to get Colt in the shower but that was all I could do before I crashed.
I’ve been fighting this sort of exhaustion for a long time now. It seemed to get better for a while and I was functioning well for about four months before it crept back up on me. It’s an overpowering feeling of fatigue; my eyes close and my vision blurs; I can feel myself losing consciousness as I battle the exhaustion and try to force my eyes to stay open. If I close them, even for a moment, I tumble frighteningly quickly into sleep. Last night, for example, I wasn’t even lying down when I crashed. I woke when Dayne came home but that was only because I was keeping myself from really going out for Colt until his dad was home to take care of him.
I always have a reason for the periods of exhaustion when they happen so it’s just recently that I’ve started to connect the dots. I have had these episodes in childhood (I thought I was just too stressed out with my family and was hiding in sleep), in my teens (I was homeless and starving and thought it was the lack of energy from the food I wasn’t able to eat), in my 20’s (I was working a job that started at 5:30 am and I figured that my body just couldn’t handle getting up that early) and then several incidents in my 30’s (I started anti-psychotics which sedated me then narcotic pain killers, then muscle relaxers). It’s always been a different excuse. I’m thinking I need to get that sleep study done sooner than I originally thought….I wonder if all this isn’t connected more to the sleep issues than anything else. It seems obvious, I know, but it just never connected in my head before now. I decided to google search my symptoms last weekend and they are rather close to narcolepsy, however, the episodes don’t usually come and go with that disorder. I do experience moments of sleep paralysis and very brief cataplexic seizures…but those only happen when I’m asleep. The most striking similarity is the sleep stage skipping and a very thin line between awake and REM cycles. I can, easily, slip into dreams (REM sleep) and can often actually track the progression, still knowing I’m awake but seeing and experiencing my dream at the same time.
Maybe I’m half-narcoleptic, half physically aging before my time. Menopause and wicked arthritis through my spine before I even hit 40. That said, not feeling like I’ve just been shot in the neck with an tranquilizer dart would make everything else a lot easier to cope with now, wouldn’t it? The most hilarious bit though, is that if this has anything to do with being narcoleptic, there’s no freaking treatment for it anyway! ha HA! Good one! Another untreatable issue in my life is just what I wanted. *sigh* Ah well. It’s all just a theory at this point anyway. I did read that many narcoleptics find life much more manageable when they are able to take a nap in the afternoon. I wonder how my bitchy boss would like that one. lmao!!!! I might just suggest it just to see her face.
So. Today I’m very, very tired. The ‘about to drop off into sleep’ feeling is nipping at the back of my eyeballs already and it’s only 9am. I’m so far behind at work and the bitchy boss is back from vacation (super bitchy too…it’s as if she went away for a week and came back worse).
Bah. On with it Grainne. Hope everyone has a decent day today. Time to vanish into my piles of paperwork….
It was a nice weekend. It flew by but Dayne and I had a chance to reconnect a little and Colt got to rest. I got out to see some lovely music and spent time with a woman I am confident I can call a friend. Colt got some swimming in at the YMCA and most of the housework got done. There are dishes in the sink and laundry is still piled by the washer but at least it didn’t get neglected for sleep, but for more engaging, productive things. I can’t complain about that, now, can I? (Ha! I could likely complain about anything, given the time and motivation).
Dreams were exhausting last night and I’m left with that same foggy need to complete something I can’t identify. It’s so annoying, that. I would just finish it if I could remember what it was…even just telling myself the story of how the task finished would settle something inside of me but I can’t seem to nail it down. Too tired. Too Monday, I think, is the problem.
I feel so isolated. It’s odd….not stressful or painful, just very separate from the rest of the world. I feel like you could walk right up and hug me and I’d only be able to see the touch, not quite feel it. Again, it’s that partial dream state fog I can’t shake. It’s as if I’m sitting just two inches to the left of my body, almost connecting….almost. Close enough to feel the energy flow like static between me and myself but not so close as to unite or solidify in any way. Strange. My pain is a bit higher than usual today so that’s kind of grounding me back where I should be but every chance my body gets, it starts to lift and drift away. I wish I could sleep. I maybe just didn’t get enough sleep last night. I don’t really know.
Well, time to get some work done. I have a very busy day and week ahead of me. Hopefully I can stay focused until it’s time to sleep again. I’ll go down by dinner time tonight to see if that helps. I kind of want a few extra hours with my girl (in dreams) anyway. Last night I was there many times…so many I can still smell the woods at the far end of my breath when I inhale. If I am completely lost to the moment, I can hear the birds singing in the tree tops while the wind blows softly through. I wonder if this is the place I’ll go when I die. It’s a bit locked to me now but maybe when I move from this world, that one will fully open up for me and all the scary things will be beaten and gone. Maybe the whole place will be mine to explore forever. It feels safer and more fulfilling than here at this point. Huh. Interesting fantasy there Grainne. Longing to live in nightmares. I’m glad I’m not feeling much today.
Hmm. So here’s an issue. If you don’t want to hear about my sex life feel free to give this post a miss.
As most of you know (because I complain on here a heck of a lot) I have gained a fair amount of weight in the last couple of years. I used to weigh 100 lbs…occasionally pushing it to 110, and I could eat anything in any quantity at any time without altering that at all. I could go days with no food and then binge on an entire pizza (easily) and all was back in balance. I DO understand that this is youth and that our bodies just do these things better when they are younger, so not to worry, I’m not completely clueless here. Anyway.. I got pregnant, gained a freaking ton of weight, lost it after Colt was born and was back to normal on the outside, but inside the postpartum depression and cptsd rolled together to form a perfect storm in my brain and I suddenly found myself needing medication to stay afloat. The meds changed my body and the weight gain started….and here I am, nearly a decade later, and a few months ago I weighed as much as I did when I was nine months pregnant. It was horrifying and felt so uncomfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. (….well, uncomfortable with the outward appearance anyway). So I did what I could do, tried to control things as best I could. It was harder than I ever let on.
One time, I wrote about how I felt here and a woman I had grown to respect and care about got offended by (or just flat out disagreed with) my thoughts. She was someone who always read my blog, often commented helpful, supportive little things. I thought of her as a blog-friend and we shared a bit over email as well as between our blogs. I asked her what had happened after she stopped reading and engaging with me and she just said she was too busy to constantly comment on everyone’s blogs. I had been following her since she started and her audience grew quickly. I thought (for some stupid reason) that she, of all people, would be understanding and patient with me. I mean, she was bipolar, had physical health concerns, was a normal, struggling, functioning human being … it floored me that she just walked away because I mentioned how I felt about my chubbier self. It HURT. I told myself it shouldn’t, that I was being way oversensitive and that I needed to accept that some people would not agree with me but it only meant that and not that they suddenly hated me for my thoughts. But…she never came back. I was just stunned. I figured out how to let it go but the echo of it wouldn’t leave me. Maybe she suddenly just stopped liking me. That happens sometimes right? I wish she would have said something though….I’m left with the impression that she ditched me because I said I didn’t feel good about how I look anymore.
And…this stupid turning 40 deal is really eating at me. It’s bothering me that it bothers me! Age is just a number…it means nothing! Yet….I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about the things I haven’t done or didn’t accomplish. I’m worried that Dayne will pack up and leave me and no one will ever want me again. I took some photos on the weekend and my god I looked so old. I can see lines and gray hairs, the tiredness in my eyes….I’m so exhausted that it’s making me look suddenly older than my years. The pain is dragging it out of me too. It didn’t help this weekend that I tried hard to look good…to entice Dayne into a bit of fun. Not only did he not make a move, he barely touched me all weekend. I don’t think he wants me anymore. I’m not sure if it’s just burn out because we’ve been together for so long or if it’s just that the offer is now always on the table from my perspective so now it’s not as enticing. ? It’s like we switched sides. Now I’m always looking for some action and he’s always ready to sleep or complain of a headache. Haha…it just struck me that this is what happens at this age…women peak sexually and men recede a bit from their “I’ll fuck anything at any time” mentality from their younger years. Maybe that’s all it is.
So…to wrap up this weird, disjointed post, I am just not feeling so great about how I look. I’m going to try to do something about that…I want to be wanted all the time again. Maybe if I flatten my tummy and tone up my legs and arms I will feel better. I do love the boobs that came with the weight so I want to keep those as much as I can. I think I’ll shoot for 130. That sounds possible and not too unhealthy doesn’t it? Really, I just want to feel beautiful again. It was such a nice failsafe to have in my life. Even when I was absolutely alone in the world, I still felt like a decent version of myself.
Back to dreams in my head…that girl in the woods. I did visit her last night but she wasn’t home. I walked around her empty house, outside and inside both, running my fingertips along the surfaces, committing them to physical memory using every sense I was able to capture them with. I touched the wood of the porch with my fingers, palms, lips….tried to connect it all together and take it into myself somehow, to keep always. She reminds me of something wonderful and hideous at the same time. I recoil and reach out again and again. I need her somehow…she feels like she could show me the way.
Hhm. Tired. Gotta focus on work now or I’ll drift off to sleep with my eyes open.