Okay. You know how I say that I don’t really believe that everything happens for a reason? I mean, I do…kind of, but really, I think life is a collection of events that are driven by the choices you make. I know for a fact that I end up in certain situations because I put myself there. Sometimes I’m trying to end up somewhere else but by following the same footsteps generally ends me up where I always end up. I think we all do this to ourselves and it’s hard to see because it’s so ingrained into our thought processes. Now, that said, I am also coming to believe that doing nothing is also a choice. To explain:
Dayne and I have been looking casually for a new place to rent (or a cheaper place to buy – the town we live in is well above our income bracket to own) since we moved there eight years ago. We have rented the same cold, unfinished, tiny, converted cottage all this time. This winter just passed was so cold there were days I couldn’t convince myself to leave the couch to go pee. It’s not exactly luxurious, but, since it’s just the three of us it was fine. Inexpensive on rent and fine. Still, we looked. I happened upon a place for rent in town about a year and a half ago on a free posting board and contacted the owner by email. I had missed the rental by two days but he said he’d keep my contact info just in case it came available again. Last week, I got an email from him letting me know that the property will be available for rent again this summer and he asked if we wanted to come by and see it. We thought about it and decided not to bother will all the expense. I hadn’t answered the guy though….for some reason.
Then Saturday happened. We had just been out to get groceries and as we returned the landlords called to us from across the field.
“We have some bad news guys. We are going to have to ask you to move out this summer.”
Their oldest daughter is graduating university and the rental house on their land was always to be hers once she was done school. They had said nothing but we had been hearing screaming battles between them recently so we knew something was up. The husband was so compassionate….told us flat out it wasn’t us, we were great tenants, he loved having us live there. He apologized so many times it began to lose meaning and told us over and over that the only reason he was even considering asking us to leave was for his daughter. The one thing we totally understand is family….I told him so; thanking him for being so kind and for having us so long (8 years!). He said he’d provide us with a great reference and had even arranged for us to see a tiny place friends of theirs were willing to rent us so we could keep Colt in the same school until he goes to high school. I don’t have to explain how much that particular kindness was appreciated.
So. We panicked. Dayne started tumbling into fear, telling me we were about to lose everything; we’d have to move to the cheapest and most delinquent area of town in the city we work in, pulling Colt from his class and his friends. I panicked with him but then, realizing we maybe still had another option, I quickly emailed the other guy back to see where that place stood. The moment he answered with “Oh yes, it’s still available. I was waiting to see if you wanted to swing by and have a look before I advertised.” I exhaled and felt the stress leaking right out of me.
Monday we went around to see the place. There is a huge two car garage on the lot and Dayne had well convinced himself that it was not included. I didn’t want to get his hopes up so I let him think that without investigating further. Upon our arrival to the place on Monday afternoon, we watched our possible future landlord drive up in a very nice truck and before we’d even crossed the street I asked about the garage.
“I do keep a few things in the back, locked up, but yes, the whole thing is yours if you rent the place.” was his reply.
Dayne just about giggled, he was so elated. He’s been missing a garage for so long…we’ve never rented a place that had one included. This one is set up as a shop, is heated, alarmed and will provide tons of space for all his tools. The man has many, many tools. lol
The place is amazing as well. It’s a lovely two bedroom so not too big to heat in the winter or keep cool in the summer. It has central air. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) It has a real kitchen with counter space AND a place to put a table. This will be the first time we’ve had a kitchen table since before Colt was born. The place comes with appliances (our fridge is just about to die, our stove hasn’t worked for well over a year, our washer is leaking and our dryer is coming with us). It has a deck. A deck! Did I mention the double garage?? It’s kind of like a little dream come true for us. Colt isn’t stressed in the least about the move (yet) because we’ve presented it to him as a brand new adventure for our family. The other benefits that he doesn’t realize yet is that all of his school mates will be living right around us. Right now we’re outside the town on a busy road. We will be moving right close to his school onto a freaking beautiful pie shaped lot so no one is looking into our back yard. *Happy Sighs* it’s pretty amazing.
So. Sometimes when you make the choice to do nothing, the world changes around for you without bothering to ask your permission. We had this place dropped in our laps BEFORE we were told we had to move. When does that ever happen?!
Dayne has been all cuddly and sweet since then. He’s saying this is all me…I am the one who brought in this opportunity and the wonderful energy that goes with it. The landlord said he’s happy to rent to us. We’ve already accepted. That one, was meant to be. I can’t think of anything more perfect to have happened. We went from stressed to resolution in less than 48 hours. Neat huh?
I always enjoy new starts. I’m so looking forward to purging nearly everything in our current place so we can start fresh at the new one. I’m going to get a tan this year. Deck!!!!! God I love to lie out on a nice warm deck. The lot is amazing too….neighbours are around us but they all have pie shaped lots and the houses are turned slightly away from each other. I am SO excited for this change. So excited.
Happy things keep coming my way.
I got to see my dearest friend Tiffany yesterday, which will be another post at some point. I also got flowers from the staff today….they just wanted to say thanks for everything I do for them. Could this day get any better?
Happy Grainne. I’m tired, I have a headache bigger than my actual head and I’m cold sweating like crazy but I couldn’t care less. It’s a good, good day. :D
Well this was unexpected. Sometimes Necessary change is ignored out of fear. We don’t like forced changes, us humans. Well, most of us don’t. I’m not too worried and leaving this place behind because I don’t bond with places or things often. I just hate the upcoming invasion of my world. It’s just a building again. Belongs to someone else. I’m living in a building that belongs to someone else who no longer wants me here and I’m wandering in directionless circles with my phone in my face…aimless.
Huh. What else is new. I do hate the transient nature of moments in time.
I knew this would eventually happen. We have to move. The landlords want the place for their eldest daughter who is now threatening to leave home. My beautiful place of isolation and solace is being taken from my hands.
Now we desperately scramble for somewhere in town so we don’t have to pull Colt from his school and the amazing people he has here.
Dayne instantly goes to the worst case scenario. He says we can’t afford even 100$ more in rent. We have to move back to the city into the worst, poorest area to be able to afford to live. It’s not true but I just told him that the second he makes us do that I’m quitting my job and living on disability. Done. I’m not breaking myself for an even crappier life than I already have.
FUCK!!! Went from an awesome day to one that is even worse than usual.
Haha! I’ll bet you thought you had the wrong blog didn’t you?!
Well it’s close to one am and still here I sit. It seems I’ve entered my stress induced insomnia phase for the month.
I’m happy though. Quietly so. I worked late tonight and when I came home Colt plopped himself next to me on the couch with the brightest smile and a happy hello. He put his back to me, hung his too-huge feet and ever-stretching legs over the arm, leaned against me and started up his video on his phone again (which is really just a wifi functional, restricted iPhone but it’s perfect for his needs as he can text us when he needs though the day). It was so….normal. So comfortable and comforting. I have never felt that I belonged anywhere like I do here.
Just…happy. Good grip on work again, great stance to support what the lad needs of me, great perspective to move forward on. Everything is changing from the way I cope with the spinal pain to the way I mash my way through the hopeless moments. Do you know I’ve not taken a thing for anxiety in a long while? I have three months of scrips that have gone unfilled. I have never been this much in control of my insides. All of my stress is now at work and most of my sadness resides in my dreams.
So. One am and off to sleep I go with a smile on my face. I have good love around me now. It’s what I needed. I’m learning to let go of the constant worry, I think. Can you Imagine? (And no, I’ve not been drinking, lol)
I was in the car with Dayne and Colt earlier this weekend and we were chatting about the traffic. We don’t live in a huge city but the traffic sometimes acts like it; especially on holiday weekends. It seemed everyone was on the road, either out to get food to host company or on the way to someone else’s house and they were all going to the same store we were going to, apparently. I was looking from window to window, surrounded by cars and drivers and traffic jam and was near-panicking when I said:
“Holy shit I am so incredibly glad that our life is so quiet and secluded and we have only each other to visit with this weekend.”
From the back seat “Uh mom…..?”
“Sorry Colt. I didn’t mean to swear.”
From the front seat “So, you know that most people would rather spend the weekend with more than two other people right? I mean, people other than the ones they live with.”
Well, way to make me feel like a freak.
“Yes, Dayne, I do realize that but thanks ever-so-much for bringing it up!” I laughed, so genuine he didn’t even pause to see if I was mad. I thought about it though, for moments afterward.
“You know, you aren’t meant to be stuck inside the house just because I am. You know you can go out and do things whenever you want right?”
I’m sure it sounds awful and says little for my character but it honestly has never occurred to me before (in 15 plus years) that Dayne might actually want to go do things; be friends with people. I just thought he was like me. Then, with a thud in my chest, I realized what this sort of behaviour model would do to a kid like Colt.
“I know that I’m allowed,” Dayne paused to smile at me to make sure I knew he was in on the joke. “but I don’t want to do stuff without you guys. If I go out and do my own thing, you will start to go out and do your own thing and soon we won’t be doing anything together at all. When it comes down to it, I don’t want to trade that, for this.”
Oh. So, given the choice, he’d want to pack up the car and drive off to family gatherings every second weekend; spend holidays with others and have people just drop by. (No one has set foot in this house since my family last visited when Colt was 3. He is 10 now.)
I was suddenly crushed with guilt.
Oh my god. Have I secluded these two souls in here with me? I never had anyone come over when I was a kid…my dad was drunk and unpredictable, his hands went everywhere and my mother never stopped crying in the bathroom and I couldn’t make excuses fast enough when I had to do it live, with someone standing right there.
I had tons of friends when I was married to Harry. People came by every night, at some points. It was after he tore me down and tired me out that I left him and then formed this bond with Dayne. We clung to each other…he was so angry from life and I was just so hopeless and out of energy. I was still standing though, when we brought Colt into the world, screaming, miserable and inconsolable. Another failure of mine that tipped the scales of mental balance and plunged me into that darkness. It took me this long just to crawl out.
So yes, justifiable in ways but still not okay. This isn’t the life Dayne wanted. He’s in here because I’m in here and we are teaching our autistic son (who often seems to lack instinct not created from experience) to stay in this place with us. That’s terrible in my head.
I have to let people come in here. Let Dayne go make friends without fearing that it will trigger the loss of us somehow. (I’m quietly fearful that he’s right though. I bet I will seek company if I do not have his. It is somehow in my nature to do so, whether I vehimenly deny it or not.)
I didn’t mean to fuck things up for them too. They might even have a somewhat normal life if it were not for me. (Dayne won’t even let me say that out loud. He would jump in here to tell me about all the things I bring to this family, and would flat-out deny that they would be okay, in the least, were I not here).
I found a way better hiding place compared to the basement locker room.
The beautiful symmetry of this managed forest makes my brain purr. :) I’m reveling in this peaceful moment and wanted to bring you guys with. Xx