Today, I feel good

It’s not that I don’t feel good most days, I just tend to focus in on the things that seem so out of my control when I sit down to write a blog.  Today I did take the day off with Colt like I posted yesterday and I’m SO glad I did.  We woke up when Dayne was getting ready for work (poor Dayne) but Colt crawled into bed next to me and went back to sleep for a bit.  He woke before me and stole my ipad, lol, running back to his room to lounge for the morning and I slept a few more hours.  I woke up feeling pretty rested and so far today I’ve managed to clean the bathroom top to bottom including floors and the living room.  I swept the kitchen and did a load of laundry while Colt cleaned his room and now we’re way ahead of the game for the weekend.  Now, I’m sitting in my pretty, sun soaked living room, having a bottle of water, watching videos and playing around on my laptop.  I’ve not even dressed yet….PJ’s all the way today!  I’m going to get in the shower soon and I’m going to do myself up….dress in some fun, sexy clothes, put make up on, do my hair and surprise Dayne with a family dinner out tonight.  Then I’m going to bring him home, get the boy all settled and tucked into bed and I’m going to run a bath in my awesome two-person tub and make Dayne forget all about the stress of his work day.  :)

Could it be better?  I don’t think so.  I’m just sitting here smiling at my laptop, waiting for my man to get home.  Our son is chirping away in his bedroom happily playing with toys and singing songs and I’m chilling out in my clean, warm, comfortable home, enjoying every minute.

Today, my life is exactly where I want it to be.  Crazy eh?  :D

 

A Visit from the Wild

Last night around midnight the security system bleeped me awake when the camera we have covering the front of the house activated.  It’s on a close motion detector and there’s a signal that sends to our bedroom…I know it sounds a big paranoid but it’s for good reason – the tenants before the last ones were, apparently, drug dealers and the last tenants had their door kicked in when some idiots were looking for drugs and money.  Plus, there are a lot of car thefts and other petty crimes in our little town – I think it’s pretty common for places like where I live; we’re less than 10 minutes from a large city (800K people or so) but far enough away that we’re surrounded by farms and huge, open fields of trees and wildlife.  Anyway, we got the alarm system because it made me feel better and seriously dropped our insurance at the same time.  It’s been good to us so far…the next door neighbour had his garage broken into and someone stole his snow blower and his riding mower and our camera gave the police a good enough view of the escape vehicle that they were caught within a few hours.  Just stupid kids doing stupid things in the end.  So, that’s why we have the camera.  Plus it’s right up Dayne’s alley so he has fun maintaining it.  When the bedroom alarm went off it only woke me, and since there was no sound of someone smashing through my front door, I didn’t wake Dayne but got up and went to the living room to see what the camera was looking it.  When I saw it, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was looking at.  “Omg is that a horse?”  My sleepy brain asked.

Nope, not a horse.  A deer.  A massive buck with antlers so huge it looked barely possible that he was able to hold his head up!  I tried to count the points (my ex landlord, Karma-King, was a hunter and when he talked to me, it was endlessly about the kills he made.  His place and hunting lodge was literally full of antlers on display.  It used to make my skin crawl.  Mind you, he did eat the ones he killed and fed his family so it wasn’t all bad…just not my favourite way to experience wildlife.)  It looked to be about a ten-pointer, meaning it was close to, or full-grown.  You see a lot of does around, often when they are vaulting out in front of your car on the road, but seeing a buck this close to people is pretty rare, and WOW was he ever huge.  He came from behind my neighbours who back onto a wooded area where there are so many deer it doesn’t seem possible.  I often wonder where the heck they all go at night.  Are they just all standing around in the woods waiting for the sun to rise again?  (How creepy is that? lol!)  The buck crossed the road cautiously and came right up onto my lawn to nibble at my dead bushes.  He looked up and saw me as I pulled the curtain back to look at him through the window but he didn’t startle; just regarded me curiously and carried on.  I can’t guess the weight of him, I’m terrible at estimating weight for some reason, but he was very tall and solid.  He stood taller than Dayne’s work truck, which is the tallest thing I had to measure him against.  He was beautiful though…so graceful and strong.  He had managed to get that far in life so he was also wise and careful; knew to outsmart the hunters in hunting season and was careful around roads and people.  It took me away for a moment, thinking about how these beautiful creatures survive out there with no interference from us and even manage to do so around the mess we make of their home.  It was a pretty peaceful moment for me.  If I can get a still from the security video I’ll post it so you guys can see him too.

I got home last night from work feeling so detached I could barely feel my body.  Colt usually snaps me back into being the moment I see him but he was really off too…cranky and tired.  We’ve decided to take tomorrow as a day off together…it’s not something I can really afford to do with my workload but I’m so tired and he needs me.  I have a brutal week next week anyway so will be putting in the overtime regardless.  I’m going to take the day to take care of me and my little love.  It means so much more than the rest and all this work will still be here on Monday.  Something about this ‘dying’ kick of mine is making me take more time to make sure I’m making the best choices.  Handy eh?

My dreams were suffocating last night.  I was working in the mall and there was chaos everywhere.  Someone had fallen over the safety railing on the upper floor and had smacked down directly in front of my store.  The body hit so hard that the floor cracked around him and the cracks grew each time someone walked by or stopped to gather around the scene.  I tried to get people to move on and to let the paramedics come through but no one seemed able to hear me…or they didn’t care…either way.  I was working with two other people – they are two of the ones who follow me through dreams.  They were trying to shield me from the scene and keep me distracted so I didn’t panic as the cracks began to snake into the store.  Chunks of floor began to vanish into sinkholes as the cracks widened and grew but nobody seemed to notice out there in the crowd until they suddenly found themselves with nothing solid beneath them and they fell down into the earth, gone forever without a sound.  Watching them vanish made me feel weightless and buoyant.  I felt my feet leave the floor…only inches, but my heart skipped more than a single beat when I looked down.  One of the two with me grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the ground, wrapping his arms around me from behind to hold me there. The other came and reached for my hand, led me over to the side of the store where a small couch was placed for people to try on shoes or rest while their family members shopped.  It wasn’t big enough for three but we squished in as tight as jigsaw puzzle pieces, shoulder to shoulder, holding onto each other so we didn’t float away (although I seemed to be the only one who was floating at the time).

I woke up somewhere around this point, the sound of the crowds buzzing in my ears, fading in and out as I left the dream and reoriented myself in reality.  My big maine coon cat, Jack was lying on top of me, kneading my shoulder softly with his paws.  His huge green eyes looked unmistakably concerned.  Dayne was awake beside me, so close he was sharing my pillow, and he was stroking my face, moving my hair from my eyes.

“I’m sorry did I wake you again?” I asked, words running together and thick with sleep.

“Sort of.  You kept calling for me and asking me to hold you down and keep you here.  I tried to cuddle you but Jack wouldn’t move so I just talked to you until you woke up.  Do you need a hug?”  He asked, so tenderly.

I nodded and without telling him what I needed, he understood.  He sat up and fixed all my pillows so I had a little cove to snuggle into and shifted my blankets without disturbing the cat who was firmly planted on my chest and totally unwilling to be moved.  I wiggled sideways until I could feel the pillows all around me, a body pillow between me and the wall, and settled my head in a way that didn’t make my neck scream with pain.  Dayne came in behind/beside me and worked around Jack, the two of them surrounding me with warmth and protection in the end.  Little Daisy, Colt’s cat, even came to join the cuddle then and daintily hopped up on Dayne’s side, her tiny frame barely noticeable in the mix.  She stretched out her little paw and touched my arm, gently pricking me with her claws to let me know she was there, and we all fell back to sleep in a tangle of fur and skin and love.

I am so thankful not to be alone in this.  Work is so difficult, but, aside from the twin terrors I actually have an amazing group of people around me.  A few weeks back I decided to count off the people at work who I would feel okay about turning to if I really needed help with something private and personal.  I stopped counting at 20 because it became a bit redundant at that point and rather obvious that I can find love anywhere I go, if I want to let it in.

Weirdness

Weird days.  I’m having a strange and kind of unsettling week.  The dreams are …  well, not easily erased as I go on with my days.

Sunday was a bad day.  I woke up and felt exhausted the moment I opened my eyes…plus nightmares galore did not help much.  I waded through the chaos they created inside me and then found myself dropping off to sleep before I’d even finished my cup of tea.  I spent the entire day lying on the couch, watching stupid videos on YouTube.  I slept again that afternoon and straight through until the next morning when I got up for work feeling just as exhausted, if not more so.

Monday, I felt like I was barely here.  I made it to work…it was a difficult day, to say the least, with the bosses and the bullshit that I’m navigating my way through with them these days.  I found myself falling back into dreams pretty consistently and was sitting with a lot of emotions that didn’t make much sense.  I’d feel a thud of dread in my gut that nearly made me sick and the panic would start to rise into my chest; heart hammering in my throat as I searched through my thoughts trying to find the cause.  When I located the memory that was causing the fear and realized it was a dream memory and not a real one, I’d feel stupid and breathe my way through the physical reaction….discharging the panic and letting the adrenaline slow in my veins.  Most of the things I felt left me as I realized they were not relevant to reality but that sense of dread stayed strong throughout the day.  I had a strong sense of foreboding…doom…tickling my fight/flight response no matter what I did or how much I talked myself down and away from it.  I tried to stay present, explained to myself that I was safe, at work, no reason to fear…but that little voice inside me kept whispering back that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong and still dreaming.  Maybe there was something to fear after all….  It was frustrating and I couldn’t break out of the cycle.

Tuesday I woke up feeling horrible and something was very ‘off’ in head and body.  Things weren’t working right…I was missing words and thoughts would just sort of hang in the air without completing.  I would find myself sitting frozen, blank eyed and lost, staring at my computer screen in my office, fingers poised on the keys of the keyboard, doing nothing.  It’d snap back to reality, realizing I was drifting away with a little involuntary jump of my muscles and start working again.  My body wasn’t right though…just not right.  My throat felt like it was swelling closed so I couldn’t breathe, but it wasn’t.  Mind you, I can feel my tonsils filling my throat and they are kind of in the way, but certainly not blocking my air way….I’m just hyper conscious of them for some reason (no infection or virus either.)  My breathing doesn’t seem regular thought….and there’s a feeling of dread/doom/terror burning deep inside me that I can’t put out.  My spine really hurts…or rather, the nerves are being crushed in a way that particularly hurts right now which always throws off my arthritic issues, but when I turn my head a certain way my entire sympathetic nervous system explodes into action as if my body was in serious danger.  You know that feeling when your whole physical being just says “NO! DON’T DO THAT!”?  …. that’s what mine keeps telling me.  Then the sleep wave hit me.  It was worse than it’s been for a long time…  I was passing out, slipping in and out of consciousness, and fighting it every moment.  I was dreaming while I was awake…kept hearing things and seeing things that didn’t fit with where I was (at work, in my office) and I’d jerk awake.  It took me an hour to write a very simple email – I’d forget what I was doing every few seconds and would have to back track to remind myself but would fall asleep and forget what I was doing again.  I went for a walk outside in the freezing rain with a light shirt on, no jacket, splashed ice cold water on my face, talked to as many people who would talk to me….I was not as bad while engaged with people but the moment I wasn’t I would slip away again.  It was awful.  I stood up at my desk and started falling over every few moments, as my body let go while my brain began switching to sleep mode and one of my coworkers noticed (I have a glass wall in my office.  Sigh)  She knows about my sleeping issues so it was okay but it made me realize how bad I actually was.  I went to the locker room for 20 minutes (it felt like 2) to finish out  my shift then sat in my car for another 30 waiting for the third dose of stimulants to kick in so I could drive home.  Dayne talked to me on the phone the whole way to be safe and then I picked up Colt, walked in the house and then I remember nothing but being woken when Dayne came home until my alarm went off this morning.

The worst part of yesterday, though, was the constant though that ran in my head.  I kept thinking I was dying…that my body was dying.  Something was very, very wrong and I could feel myself slipping away from life, not just consciousness.  It messed with me big time.  I am not one to give into illness…I will always do what is best for my body and I try to treat it with respect as much as possible but I just don’t panic when there is something potentially wrong.  It’s part dissociation from my childhood experiences and part bull-headed stubbornness that won’t allow me to give in.  I had a cancer scare once in my life and it barely ruffled my feathers.  What will be, will be….panicking over something that hasn’t yet happened is futile and I think we all do way too much of that in life.  I will never just lie down and die…that’s for sure, not matter what life throws my way.  So that’s what has been eating at me….I don’t give into illness yet something inside me is telling me that there is something *very* wrong.

It could be all in my head, of course, but it’s so unlike me.

I keep dreaming of my mom…I can’t see her….I can just feel her and she’s come for me.  She’s there waiting to take me with her and I don’t want to go yet.  I keep screaming (out loud and in dreams) for Dayne to help me, to keep me with him….to wake me up.  My cats won’t leave me alone for two seconds, laying on me and always touching me…something they never do unless I’m very sick.  Something just feels very wrong.  Very wrong.  I don’t understand it.  I thought it would have passed by now but its right there with me at every moment.

It suddenly occurred to me that the number that has been calling my cell phone incessantly that I’ve never answered (I have issues with my personal phone.  Can’t bring myself to answer when I don’t know who it is) might be one of the multiple doctor’s offices I had tests run through last month.  Shit.  I hope that isn’t the case.  Time to make some calls…..

Endless Dreams, Sleep and Love

I have a gazillion blogs written in my drafts folder again.  *sigh*  I never used to do that…I would type and post without even thinking (lol, you’re welcome, by the way!) but now it’s always so carefully measured and thought through.  A lot of my most recent posts have been about M and the relationship we tortured each other with and although I very much doubt he’d ever take the time to read any of this, I don’t want to hurt him.  I mean, how stupid is that?  He made such a habit of slashing at me with the lowest, most hurtful things he could think of and I don’t want to hurt him.  It’s true though.  I almost never retaliate when people do that sort of thing to me…I just quietly lick my wounds and curl up in the corner for a while then, let it move through me….through and out and gone.  I’m not a grudge holder either, obviously.

Then there are the endless complaints about work and the stress I’m under here.  It’s helpful to get it out of my system but I realize it’s just the same thing over and over it becomes less helpful.  I just need to find a resolution to the problem, not complain about it…I know quite well what’s wrong.  Anyway…the PTSD aspect of it that sends me tripping off to the land of self-torture and blame is what needs my attention so rather than worry over how they are treating me, I’m just trying to worry over not worrying.  ha.  Wish me luck on that one.

The dreams have been exhausting and the sleep has been plentiful in the last weeks.  Coming back to work after a week off at Christmas wiped me right out and the huge amount of work and adversarial BS I had to wade through made it even more exhausting.  The sleep doubled in strength and so did the dreams, as you might expect.  I’ve had a theme running for about a week and a half now and it’s distressing but also kind of fascinating.  I wake up afraid but captivated in the moment.  I’ll do a quick rundown of the one I had this morning just before waking to give you guys an idea.

*Dream*

I was living in a rural town inside an older home with a couple and two younger siblings.  The town was abandoned and overgrown with weeds and wild flowers although there were still intact pastures around that contained livestock like sweet, docile sheep and horses with pot bellies from grazing all day with little to no exercise.  The houses all looked like they were closed up; peeling boards over some windows, a great deal of glass broken and scattered in shards around the outside perimeter of the unkempt gardens below.  There were some vehicles around, but very few, and we were living in hiding from something or someone.  There were no kids in this part of town at all and we were absolutely never allowed to venture outside of the home, as kids were taken on sight (or killed, either way it was a terrible fate so we were never tempted).  Needless to say that whenever anyone came by or there was a noise outside, I would gather up the children and we would hide until the older couple told us it was safe to come out again.  I had hiding places all over the house, and they were needed because there were sweeps done on a seemingly regular basis where ‘guards’ (soldiers?) would come in and check for anyone in all the obvious hiding places.  They could come in with their guns drawn, masks obscuring their faces, and would look in attics and basements, under and behind furniture; anywhere a child might fit and be out of view.  I took to hiding in the walls by peeling back sections of paneling so I could squeeze myself in the space between the wooden studs or would climb into the attic and then peel back a layer of fiberglass insulation to make a little space for myself and slide in, covering myself again with the itchy pink material.  There was also a save sunk into a concrete recession in the floor under the floor boards. If we folded ourselves into a very tight ball, all three of us could fit, but it was sometimes a bad idea because the little boy hated confined spaces and would start to panic the moment the vault door was pressed closed against our backs.

One day, I was sitting in the living room looking out the window at the sheep in the field next to my house when I saw a truck coming down the hill.  It had a huge movie camera mounted on the side of the passenger door and I knew what they were looking for;  Changes.  Anything different.  They would survey the neighborhoods once a week or so, looking for anything that was out of place or different from the week before.  If a new vehicle showed up, they would come investigate and we would have to hide for the entire day, not knowing when they might turn up.  I ran and hid under the front porch – there was a space beneath it that I could access from the access pit that was a basement.  I had wiggled a few of the stone bricks that formed the underground foundation for the porch loose and made a space just big enough for me to squeeze through.  The inside of the concrete porch was hollow and I curled up into a ball inside of it.  I could clearly hear what was going on outside and soon after I was safely tucked away, a heavy set of boots clomped onto the porch just inches above me.  Someone knocked on the door forcefully and I heard one of the couple’s footfalls as they approached and opened the door.

“Good afternoon.  I’m here to inform you that there have been reports of children in your home.  They have been seen by our security patrol peering out your windows and we were dispatched to investigate.  Upon our arrival, two young children were seen playing in the field just over here.”  He pointed to the sheep pasture I had been looking out upon moments before his arrival.

My heart stopped with a thud in my chest.  I remembered suddenly that my siblings were not with me and that I didn’t know if they had found a hiding spot.

There was a crashing above as the team of guards/soldiers began to tear up the house, looking for the children that weren’t allowed to exist here.  They pulled furniture to the floor, smashing candle holders and other knick-knacks; pulled up carpeting and, from the sound of it, took the attic door right off the hinges in one careless yank.

They were in the attic.  Oh god…they were in the attic.  I could hear them whimper as the hatch gave way and the little one began to scream.  The older one tried to muffle his cries but it was already too late…they had been found.  An awful explosion of screaming and panic filled the house and I was quite glad for the slight buffer I had inadvertently provided myself by hiding inside the concrete porch.  I heard the little ones trying to get away from the guards; grabbing onto door frames as they passed trying to cling to the safety of the house.  The couple who took care of us wept openly but didn’t do anything to try to stop them.  They knew it would only end in their deaths along with the children.  The sounds of their little voices screaming finally passed over top of me and began to echo in the vast, empty outside air and then were cut in decibel as they were tossed inside the vehicle with the camera mounted to its side.  I could still hear them faintly as they were driven away from us and wept, curling myself into a tighter ball.  I decided not to move.  I was going to sleep there for a day….stay in my shell and just focus on breathing until my heart stopped racing and the waves of guilt subsided.  The people upstairs knew where I was so they wouldn’t worry and I just couldn’t think of doing anything else.

*****

I woke up from this dream wedged in the corner of my bed up against the corner of the wall.  I had disturbed Dayne’s sleep at some point in the early morning as he was curled around me, both of us taking up less than one quarter of the bed.  The cats were in their glory, lying on their back spread-eagled and all snuggled into our blankets, none of which were covering us.  When I woke from the dream, Dayne woke too and he kissed my hair and whispered into the back of my neck that I could pretend he was cave to hide in; to let him be a wall behind me to keep me safe while I slept.  He had put pillows all around my head so I felt hidden and safe when I woke…he later told me I’d been sobbing and panicking in my sleep the entire night.  He said the only thing that seems to help me these day is for him to use his body as a shield.  He lets me shove my hands and feet under his body and will hold me without smothering me but allowing me to shove myself into the shape of his body and anchor my limbs….It’s the reason I so often sleep on the couch in the living room – I need that feeling of being hidden and safe while I sleep.  That would be courtesy of my father’s late night visits when I was a little girl, I suspect.

Anyway – those dreams keep coming.  Same sort of idea with me hiding and trying not to be seen or caught; people I love dying or being killed because I wasn’t paying enough attention; feeling exposed and unsafe in the world and constantly running from the things that are hunting me.  I’m so lucky to have this man in my world.

I don’t often dream of people I actually know in real life but Dayne and Colt are the two exceptions.  M used to make regular appearances but after the crap he put me through most of the dreams associated with him involved being held captive by a horrible demon who flayed the flesh from my bones and brutalized me every chance he got.  The only regulars are the group of people who follow me pretty much everywhere I go in dreams.  They try to shield me and protect me too, often with their bodies.  When I’m in the scariest of situations they will gather around me and form a human wall like elephants do in the wild when a family member is injured or vulnerable.  They lock arms and press their bodies against me and I feel like I can let go of everything and just float there, surrounded and safe.  That’s exactly what it felt like this morning with Dayne too….surrounded, protected and safe.  I could feel his heart beat on my back, he was so close and the rhythm soothed me like I was hearing waves washing up on the shore in lovely, constant motion.

Why did I ever want anything but this?  What other man would be so understanding? He asks for so little from me and needs almost nothing, but stays by my side whether I’m awake or asleep and holds me when I am frightened by the things that bounce around my head.  It gives me such strength…he doesn’t realize how much.

Okay, well, that was a trip, reliving that for a moment through words.  I’m so tired I’m dozing off already and it’s only 10:30, I’ve taken all my meds and I’m still dropping off into the void.  This sluggish about to slip into sleep/go under anesthetic feeling is becoming frustrating.  There seems to be so little that helps it….I can’t understand why double the dose of stimulants I’m prescribed, along with upping my caffeine intake is making me feel even more tired than I did before.  Must be in my head….but it’s certainly not keeping me particularly alert.  I can barely see my screen…

*sigh*  Back to office madness.  Thanks for reading guys.  x

Musical Emotions

I figured something out the other day….well, I knew it already but I didn’t quite organize the thoughts around it until the other day.  As you guys know, my mental health struggles are mostly contained within two diagnoses:  PTSD and an attachment disorder.   Both stem from a difficult start in life (losing my parents while still a little one and a long, abusive ride through the foster care system ending with being homeless at 15, left to build a life for myself…which I did rather poorly until adulthood).  The anxiety and PTSD issues are difficult but years of therapy (EMDR for the win!) and a decade of very hard personal work, I more or less have those issues under control.  When things flare up, and they most definitely do, I am usually able to regroup and get back on my feet within a few days to weeks, which is much better than it used to be.  The attachment issues, however, still really screw with me, even after working on them endlessly.  That piece of my puzzle looks to be a lifelong struggle.

The biggest issues faced with this attachment deal is that I have a hard time maintaining relationships, particularly positive ones.  Negative relationships are the ones I seem able to keep around for years….mostly because it feeds into the problems.  If someone hates me I know exactly where I stand and no longer need to guess about my place in the union.  When people want me as a friend, I always disappoint them somehow because my bond is not the same as theirs, no matter how long we’ve know each other or how much I care for them.  I generally do not miss people when they leave my life.  I always find it difficult to maintain things if people are not in my world on a constant basis, which is why most of my ‘friends’ are the people I work with. When I leave a job, I rarely keep contact with the coworkers I was closest to because the only way to connect is to go out of our way to do so.

I am a loner by nature and would probably never leave my house if I had the choice.  I want to be left alone most of the time, even though I crave having people to care for….I need to have people to care for, I just struggle to hold up my end of being cared for in return.  Weird isn’t it?

Most people who suffer from attachment issues of my sort don’t develop much of a conscience which can lead to frightening sociopathic behaviors but, luckily, I have the biggest guilt complex in the world so I’ve been able to balance out my emotions pretty well through life.  I feel guilty for asking for help, asking for friendship, taking up your time, not taking up your time, being there too much, not being there enough, saying the wrong thing, thinking the wrong thing, BEING the wrong thing….it’s endless, the ways I can punish myself for not being enough.  It’s a bad trait on the whole but I think it keeps me from hurting people….I’m so afraid of hurting people.  I am even afraid of people thinking I tried to hurt them, hence the ridiculous relationship I have with M.  He uses this against me like a freaking pro….he tells me he thinks I lie to him, use him, hurt him for pleasure.  He replaces my genuine feelings and words with his own lies and then holds them against me and it tears me apart inside.  I don’t want him in my life, at this point, but I cannot stand that he does not believe that I care about him, because I do.  I do so more than I care for most people….however, the moment he relents and tells me everything is okay again, I start to avoid him.  I need his negativity to maintain the stupid, draining relationship we do have.  Isn’t that exhausting to think about?  It is for me.

I don’t think I feel things like other people do.  I mean, surely there are a lot of people out there who feel the same way, but I have no knowledge of them so it’s hard to quantify.  The only time I seem to really feel anything other than the bad stuff, which I feel in magnified proportions, is when I’m wrapped up in some sort of music.  When I sing, write, even listen to music I feel things in 3D…good things, even!  The reason I started thinking of this was the way I felt after a week off.  I was sluggish from all the sleep, yes, but I was also a bit depressed, definitely anxious, feeling blank at times, overwhelmed at others.  I felt worthless, lonely, sad;  I felt hopeless over things that didn’t even make sense.  The one thing that was different that week, aside from not being at work, was that I didn’t have my drive into and home from work daily, which is where I listen to most of my music.  I love driving with music…all my favourite songs and I can sing as loud as I want.  The feelings and notes flow through my veins and I feel like I am connected to the world in a way that just isn’t there when the music stops.

This totally explained something to me….this connection between music and feeling like a normal human being.  I tend to be a lot more open and wanting human contact when I’m at work, not only because I’m surrounded by people and forced out of my isolation default, but because I’ve opened up my heart and felt something before I get here.  I suddenly connect with the reasons why I love the people that I have in my life and it makes me want to show them…share with them.  The one thing that M always said that hurt me the most was that I was just ‘using’ him as a distraction through my work day.  It was the farthest from the truth and it ripped at my soul to hear it.  He used it often because he liked biting into me like that, plus, it worked to keep me around every single time.  Now I have clearer idea of why I did that…talked to him and shared with him the most when I was at work and not as much at home.  It’s why things fell apart with MH too, for that matter…  As soon as I could no longer connect with him through my work day because I took on a job that was ten times as busy as my old one, things couldn’t survive.

Anyway – nothing too fascinating in that but it does give me some insights into myself that I didn’t have before.  I’m going to try to use this to my advantage.  I’m going to listen to music at the times of the day when I usually don’t and see what it does to the things I feel.  I have so much music…so many different kinds too, plus, I can write little songs in my head and do so without even thinking about it most of the time.  I’m going to see if I can jump start my heart from blank to open by letting my soul have what it needs the most.

Sorry?  Who is the rude one here?  

I have a terrible habit of avoiding my phone and email once I’ve started to spiral into isolation behaviours so, when I fell asleep on Monday night and slept through until Tuesday night at 1230 (wed morn really) I knew I had fucked up. I was supposed to connect with M on Tuesday after we talked on Monday. I emailed him when I woke up. He replied but knew he’d be pissed of and avoided facing it. When I finally broke down and looked this is what he sent: 

You rude fucking cunt. 

That was it. I closed my email and ignored the following 4 or 5.  

Don’t I just have the most understanding friends ever??? He wouldn’t even forgive me one day, knowing full well how I’ve been struggling.  It’s all about him though right?  

Now I’m glad I missed him on Tuesday.  That’s the last time I need to learn that particular lesson.  Wow eh?  Why am I so thick when it comes to this prick?  Like I said in my last post: I’m going to settle in and stop with all the people who take more than I can give.  I just don’t have enough to go around and, even if I did, they just don’t deserve it.  :/ 

AWOL

Well here we are, back at it, in the office and staring at my computer screen, trying to sort through 300 email and get my bearings back before I dive into the audits and time entry and all the wonderful tasks that keep me hopping.  *sigh*  It was a good break because I rested SO much.  I slept the entire time through with only short pockets of being awake….I guess I’m glad that I have to start forcing myself into a time schedule again.  I tend to waste the days when I’m not forced up and out of bed in the morning.

I feel bad.  I’ve messed up a bunch of friendships, as per my norm, because I ended up completely withdrawing over this last week.  It’s only one week, I know, but I didn’t connect with anyone outside of my immediate family and only then, at times, because they are in the same building as me.  If I lived alone and didn’t work I would isolate entirely and never connect with another soul again.  It’s not easy, being my friend.  I have a bunch of apologies to make.

Drew texts me all the time to see how I am and always forgives me when I don’t answer…for ages.  For some reason, he doesn’t ever made me feel bad, doesn’t ever get upset and almost never takes it personally.  It’s not fair though, the way I treat him and I need to change that.  If someone is putting this much into being my friend he surely deserves more from me than an occasional response.  :(  I just never have anything to talk about this isn’t miserable.  This one deserves a better friend though…so Drew, I’m sorry I suck.  I do love you.

Then there’s Cortney.  She’s a work friend and I adore her.  She recently moved to the other side of the country (out your way Birdie!) and she texted me over the holidays several times but I didn’t answer.  She’ll forgive me if I ask…and I will.  I did warn her about this side of me and how I can suddenly go so anti-social…she said she understood but I don’t know how anyone could  understand being treated that way.  She’s used to being treated unfairly though…her husband isn’t the nicest of partners and I think he cheats on her and her parents hold anything and everything over her head.  Her dad wouldn’t speak to her for over a year because she told him to “fuck off” one day.  Totally unlike her, she’s such a sweet, gentle soul.  I’ll have to send her a card in the mail or something…make up for being a crappy friend.

Then MH.  This poor guy…. I’ve fucking messed with him too many times.  He’s really wonderful but we have a hard time connecting and I keep dropping off the face of the earth.  I logged onto Skype one day of my vacation and he was there, asking why I never talk to him anymore.  I couldn’t answer.  I have no reason.  I didn’t know how to deal with his affection and compassion, is really what it boils down to.  He scared me because he cared.  Isn’t that ridiculous?

My blog friends, You guys understand and I have a great relationship with many of you.  You guys come and go like I do but we always fall back together at some point.  You let me breathe when I need to and stand with me when I don’t want to be alone.  I hope I provide the same comfort to you.  I’m sorry for not being here last week, if anyone needed me.  I’m going to send several of you a quick email today to let you know I’ve been thinking of you.  xx

So that’s that.  I didn’t text or call any of my work friends over the holidays but I think this lot is all on the same page as me there.  I’ve had over a dozen hugs and welcome backs from some of my favourites around here so far and it’s nice to be back in a place I belong.  It settles me, being here, even though the job is a nightmare at times.  I feel like I am liked and missed when I’m gone.  We don’t have to go out to have dinner or drinks; we don’t have to spend time at each other’s houses; we don’t ask each other to babysit kids or animals; we don’t even have to talk on the phone after work hours, but we can still be fond of each other.  That’s pretty much all I want in life.

It does bother me that, in order to have a close connection with me, you basically have to be in my face all the time.  The only human being to have overwritten that behaviour of mine was M.  It didn’t mean anything to him though, no matter how I tried to explain it.  He just told me I was full of shit and dismissed me, complaining about all the things I wasn’t…but then, how was he to know how important it was.  Was.  How sad is that?  I guess that’s part of why I am the way I am.

How can I be so much in need of people around me and wanting to much to connect when the last thing I want is to connect and have people around me?  I know the world isn’t supposed to revolve around me and I genuinely love helping people.  I love making people happy….I love giving them parts of me and sharing things…. yet, I find it nearly impossible to maintain friendships.

Weird me.  I think I’ll just solidify my circle now and focus on those who are currently in it.  Prove that they are worth more to me than I’m showing.  It won’t make things worse, at least…will it?

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