You guys!!! I’ve was awake for 15 HOURS yesterday. In a row! A ROW! I am almost in tears I’m so happy. I feel like I actually had time to do things yesterday. I got groceries, went to the market for veggies for thanksgiving dinner, cleaned some of the house, got a load of laundry down, went for a drive and got some fall pictures
Best part? I taking almost nothing dose wise. I feel alive again. Like me again. Closer than I’ve been in years. Decades.
Today is the last day of my 30’s and I feel like I’m 20 again. Not 80 like I did two weeks ago. I feel awake and bright…vivid and engaged. I am so thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians! Birdie Xoxox hope you guys have a lovely long weekend.
Bye bye 30’s. Onto the next adventure.
I had one sour point to my day – I went absolutely out of my way to be there for that jerk who insulted me yesterday because I knew he was going to have a stressful day. I still wanted to offer him some support. He doesn’t have much of it in his life (and no, I don’t wonder why) and I really care about that asshat for some stupid reason. I didn’t even read his snotty email response to me….skipped it entirely so I wouldn’t be annoyed with him and told him I’d be there for him if he needed me. His day went differently than planned but he didn’t bother to tell me, badmouthed me on his blog and just ignored my kindness. I’ve given him all of my heart and all he does is complain about how I’m not **** enough. Good, warm, compassionate, attentive, positive, affectionate, loving, available….you could put just about any adjective in there and it would probably be something he’s said to me at some point in time. I’m not even what he wants as a friend and yet, he keeps trying to force me to be something I’m not and then get mad at me (and guilts me!) when I don’t stay there. How can someone who just read this email think I’m just looking out for myself and couldn’t care less about his needs?
I see you’ve written me but I’ll wait until tomorrow to read what you wrote – If you’re picking a fight I don’t want to take the bait and make your day frustrating in any way….I know today is important to you.
I just want you to know that no matter how you feel about me right now, I’m thinking about you and sending every calming vibe I can find. I hope, with all my love, that the appointment goes exactly as planned today and you come away with the scrip you need to get back into life. I know it will help you focus and feel better…find some motivation to keep pushing forward. I’ll be here for you if you need me. I’ll open Skype shortly and will leave it open for you today. I have a lunch meeting but aside from that I’m free and will make myself free after work as well.
Okay? I love you. Breathe deep today and don’t worry. Things will work out and you’ll be back in action before you know it.
Soooo never mind then. Asshole.
I did go see my doc on Monday, as planned, and got my questions answered about the other things I went for. Dayne was supposed to come with me to help support my claim that I needed more medical help than she was giving me. Unfortunately, he forgot to ask the sitter if we could drop Colt off early that day (appt was at 0800) so when the time came his best idea was to bring Colt with us. I didn’t want to disrupt the morning that much on him, plus, I didn’t think it appropriate or wise to have my autistic 11-year-old son in the room while I begged for help from my doctor. So I went alone.
Things turned out better than usual. She was apologetic about misleading me on the sleep study but said that she really wanted the specialists opinion based on a full consultation and then the study. I told her I had no problem with having the consult, just that I didn’t think I’d make it another year like this with no relief in sight. This is where I decided to take a different pathway, which ended up working. I told her, flat out, that I wasn’t drug seeking (she adamantly interjected that she never, once thought that of me), that I had proven to be responsible with the narcotics (even reducing them when I felt I could) and that I had tried every medication she had asked me to for at least a month at a time to ensure the results I was getting were leveled out. I started with Tylenol 3’s and went very slowly up from there to the drugs I have to take now. I don’t use any street drugs and have urine tests to prove it as often as she asks me to and I don’t drink a lot of alcohol. I changed my diet to a more plant based, healthy one and etc etc etc….I wasn’t discarding her advice and came in for regular follow ups. She agreed in full….then I asked her, if she agreed, why she was not willing to prescribe a low dose stimulant to see if it helped? Even just until the diagnostic testing was done?
“Well…I didn’t want it to interfere with the study” she said.
“….the appointment was a year away when I first asked for help…?” I answered.
And that was that. She wrote me a scrip for a small dose of a stimulant and gave me a three month supply.
… Okay then.
I filled it yesterday after looking up side effects and contraindications and, satisfied that what I was doing would be safe, I took my first dose yesterday. It didn’t do much but I did end up feeling much more awake and didn’t actually go to sleep until 8:00 ish last night. Maybe it was even a bit later because I remember Colt going to bed. I was worried I wouldn’t sleep well since I took it later in the day than recommended but I was fine. Woke up every hour or so in pain and had to roll over but, aside from the usual dreams, I work up pretty well rested. I took another at 10 this morning and again, it seems to be pushing the exhaustion back a bit. I’m still a bit sleepy in pockets that seem to come and go rather than just sitting there on top of me for hours on end. All positive so far.
I figure that by next week I’ll have a good sense of how it makes me feel and if it’s helping or not. My doc said she’d raise the dose if it wasn’t helping enough. She suggested not taking my pain killer or muscle relaxer for a day or two over the weekend to see the difference in how I feel, just in case they are contributing to the sleepiness. I’m interested to see how that goes.
So…counting down to 40. This is the last week….only four more days of my 30’s. I think I’ll make it. :)
A friend of mine read my last blog and wrote me a one sentence email that said:
“Has it ever occurred to you – I think that you need someone who makes a big deal out of absolutely everything.”
At first, that put me right off and I was annoyed that he was judging me but then I thought about it some and realized he’s probably quite right. I know I don’t have the worst life in the universe and for those of you who read my blog, you’ll know I’m pretty dramatic and emotionally overblown in the moment….particularly right in the thick of it all, when I’m panicking and feeling all disillusioned and let down. I do realize that a sleep disorder, ptsd, an attachment disorder and chronic pain from my arthritic spine and all that goes along with it are NOT the worst problems I could have. In fact, I’m pretty lucky in the end. The pain won’t kill me, the additional hours of sleep won’t kill me, my disabled child is thriving in his own way and it’s so bad off he’ll need to live in a group home when he grows up. The ptsd and depression is a pain but I have the power to heal a lot of that and have done so in the past decade….but I’m not seriously mentally ill and unable to work like some poor souls are. The friendlessness is hard sometimes but I have the ability to draw people to me when I need to feel less lonely, particularly at work where everyone is easy to get along with and we all just want to go home at the end of the day (no pressure for social events or wanting more more more – just a great group of humans who will chat with me and we can all feel good about not having to call each other every weekend to catch up). Really, life is okay.
So if life is okay, then why do I make such a big deal out of things? It’s just how I feel inside. I don’t sound like my mind is racing a million miles a minute in person but what is raging inside of me is still there, even when I’m still on the outside. I feel things enormously. I don’t know how to change that (or if I would even want to, were I able). I like the overwhelming wave of emotions in some cases.
This morning I was driving into work and had my phone plugged into my car stereo. A song came on that I love and I let it slide into my head and kind of stepped back to let whatever feelings it drew out flow. The song has the warmest strings in the beginning and, being a music major in school, I almost can’t help but interpret and pick out the sounds, one by one. I paid attention to the strings first and then the drums. Then I let the guitar and piano lines merge into one and I connected like I do….feeling like an 8-track recorder playing all the sounds individually but also at once. My major was always vocal so that part always speaks to me quite clearly, however it’s the subtleties in the accompaniment that makes my heart start to beat faster and my breathing sync with the time signature of the piece. From the inside it feels quite like each part of the music is a single line of emotion that runs inside, outside and all around me. When I get to sing on top of all that beautiful sound turned emotion I can express things in song that I’ve never even been close to touching on in real life, without the music.
That might not have made much sense but it’s a huge, expressive, emotionally connective and draining and wonderful experience all at once and it happens to me, pretty much, every single morning on my drive in. I just have to find the right song that my heart needs to connect with on that particular day. It’s not hard because I most often wake with song in my head and it somehow links the awake me back to the dream me and all the stuff that is usually lost in between suddenly makes sense.
This is a piece of how I experience the world. Over blown, over exaggerated, whatever it is…it’s a part of me and better yet, it’s one of the parts I’ve learned to love.