Changes and Brick Walls

I’m putting the things that are causing me grief into two categories.  Ones I can’t control and ones I can control.  The ones I can fix in some way are not allowed to be worries.  I’m standing firm on that. 

Can control:

Fleas.  They are driving me and every OCD quirk in me INSANE.  I have over 100 bites on my body and look like I’ve got some nature of skin disease that makes people slowly back away when they start noting the scabs and spots on my arms, chest and face.  I’ve been wearing pants, obviously, and even though I’m melting in the heat I’m putting up with it so I can retain a sense of dignity around my coworkers.  I’ve cleaned my house obsessively since they first appeared on Saturday and believe I’ve at the very least, killed a good portion of the adult ones.  The eggs (shivers at the thought of millions of eggs) that might be (are) in the carpet and on furniture have been treated (compulsively) and vacuumed (compulsively) near 20 times and I will continue to do this at least twice after work every day until the buggers are gone.  The cats are treated and we’ll be getting the little one the shots as well.  We will win this one…and, as a nice side effect, my house is really, really clean. 

Work.  It’s been good one day, a nightmare the next.  This is transitory and will continue to be so.  I work in a high stress position with incredibly temperamental people. Drama will always be a part of what I do, until I find something else to do.  I’m going to focus on doing what I can do well and will let the rest work itself out in the wash.  (no more screaming emails with D about this crisis or that…my job is fine, I’ll be okay, I’m just not going there anymore). 

Colt and the school.  I’m putting this in the “fixable” category because it seems like I SHOULD be able to affect this, even though I’ve failed rather miserably so far.  We found out through our ‘informant’ (beautiful little angel who is in Colt’s class who sees no reason to keep her teachers secrets) that the teacher was putting Colt in a room by himself for hours on end.  This was just around the same time that he started to hate going to school.  We inquired, got ignored.  We also asked repeatedly for work that Colt was doing so we could gauge how well his IEP was working and were constantly ignored by the teacher and principal.  We followed all the necessary routes, we made meetings, missed work, asked and requested and cajoled, and we were still shunned.  When we got his report card stating that he had failed in every aspect of his IEP excluding science, which is taught by a different teacher, and also in which he was performing at GRADE LEVEL (not his reduced IEP level).  We wanted to know why.  They would not tell us why.  We went to the superintendent, she spoke with the school, and now things are really out of control. 

The school was told to provide us with what we had asked for and they were furious about it.  They said they were taking away Colt’s EA for next year and replacing her with someone he doesn’t know and will be removing his friends from the class (ie the child who tells us things).  D went to the meeting alone and did very well, even when told “that’s what you get for going to the school board”.  He told me the entire meetings was about why we had called, nothing else.  Anyway…back to the school board we go, this time with threats of legal action and media attention.  If they seriously think they’re going to punish our autistic son because we got them in trouble for not doing their jobs…?  They’re in for a big surprise come September. 

Still.  Can maintain control here.  Nothing to worry over, something to fix. 

D’s Job.  This is a tricky one and it’s always going on.  He works for a crap company doing something he absolutely loves doing.  They pay him peanuts and they don’t respect him half as much as they should.  He becomes the scapegoat in many situations and gets blamed for everyone one week, then he’s the hero the next.  It’s a difficult position to be in and a very shaky one at that.  Every month or so there’s at least one explosion where his job is threatened and/or they do something to sully his (good) reputation with people he’s worked hard to impress.  Today, he gave his company a small piece of inside info that was shared with him by a trusted colleague.  It was the only thing he had to protect himself as he was about to be fired (again) for something that he could only prove with said info.  The company he works for turned around and sent it out by email, to everyone involved, and has ruined D’s relationship with many, with no end gain for the company.  He’s miserable and angry…and I don’t blame him. 

What I think we can do here is simply find the money (somewhere) to get him recertified in something and find a new job.  He’s worked for all the crappy companies in town over the last 8 years that do his sort of work and that will hire without a formal education.. .  Now it’s time to go the full route, as taxing as it will be, and do things the right way.  I’ll have to force him and it will be a rather dicey sacrifice on already tight budgets but it has to be done.  This is a cycle he keeps repeating that we can break, if we stand together.  I’m not sure if it’s the best route for me, but it most certainly is for him, regardless of outcome.  He’s done a lot for me…time to return the favour. 

Things I can’t fix

The pain   I’m at a loss here.  I think I’ve literally tried everything possible to cope with this.  I’ve not heard from the neurology clinic that is to see me and no one has managed to set up the spinal tap yet.  The second pain management referral has not yet gone through…for whatever reason.  I’ve doubled the doses of meds with limited success.  I’m frustrated beyond belief because I cannot make it go away, can only just make it tolerable, still have no answers, no direction, no help.  I made another appt with my doc for tomorrow so I can, for the hundredth time, try again.  I’m taking D with me again.  He’s in a pretty surly mood these days and I might as well use it to my advantage. 

The nightmares/exhaustion  Stuck.  I just don’t know what to do to stop this.  I’ll be taking it to therapy next week.  Meds (antipsychotics or otherwise) have never, once, touched this issue for me.  Sleeping aides have also not helped and now I have to stay away from any medication that can cause breathing suppression because of the opiates (they do the same, only big time).  I’ll just have to continue to cope with them.  I’m soooo tired, though because I’ve been trying to only sleep for a maximum of 10 hours a day…was sleeping all the time before.  Frustrating. 

Depression  I had hoped that therapy and meds would help with this, and truthfully, they DO help, but it’s still there, still confusing and destructive, unchanged after all these years. 

PSTD/Attachment Disorders  Same as above.  Dealing with these results in more of the same.  I have the anxiety under control…so I guess that’s good.  I’m not expressing it outwardly any more and have, apparently, turned it all inwards.   It’s nice not to have panic attacks in public…I suppose I’d rather have them in my dreams, if at all. 

Loneliness  Well.  Isn’t that just part of the human condition? 

Wanting to die  This one I REALLY want to be able to control.  I’m quite sure that the other mood disorders are affected by this (or this is a result of the other mood disorders).  I hate the influence it has on my life.  Always trying to escape, always making it…just barely.  My dreams have even turned on me in this respect.  All I do is dream of dying and/or suffering.  No matter how fast I run ahead of myself all day long, the moment I close my exhausted eyes, my stupid brain gets control and my existence is filled with death.  Sometimes I want to die just to shut it all up.

 

So there we have it.  Those are the things that are bothering me the most.  I’m going to refer back to this list and see if I can’t eliminate things one by one until I’m only left with the things I can’t change.  Sadly, I do realize that things like fighting Colt’s battles and D’s job might be ongoing and will remain stressful, no matter what I do to change things, but it seems like a place to start.  I can’t think of anything else to do.  I have to do something though becuase I’m afraid that the flashbacks or anxiety might come back and then I’ll just topple over and never get up again. 

What will I do if ANYTHING happens?   Must make some room in my head or I’m going to come undone.