Grainne Goes Away
This morning driving into work, after almost no sleep, I kept noticing how green everything suddenly is. Must have been the storms that brought the trees to full life again…so pretty. I very, very nearly turned off the main road so I could get out and wander through the fields and trees for a while. Imagined myself in my heels, tromping through the forest, finding a spot and lying down on the ground, watching the clouds mix with blue through the branches and leaves. I wanted that so bad for a moment… Then I passed the quarry. The piles of sand and gravel looked rather mountainous today in the sun. I slowed my car to a near crawl and fought the impulse to climb one in my bare feet. I wanted to feel those little sharp bits cutting into the bottom of my feet, digging down, down, down…making a cave, curling in, letting it all collapse around me.
I want to hide, apparently. I also find myself seeking some way to diffuse this pain.
I sleep when I stop moving. That takes care of some of the trouble, but then I dream, which I can handle, but then I get depressed and anxious…which I can’t handle. The anxiety is kind of a low hum at this point and I don’t expect it to tune much higher because I’m backing away from myself at a furious rate. Trying to hard to stay level.
There is nothing in my body that feels good right now. Every joint is…well, you know the score. My head is what’s getting me the worst today…dull thudding of my heart in my temples keeps making my glasses shift on my face. If I sit very still, I can actually see them bobbing up and down in time with my pulse. If I stare at something for longer than a moment, it splits in two and my eyes blur until I close them and look elsewhere. My computer screen is hard to navigate, but thankfully I can type without looking (excuse any typos that result).
My heart aches. I’m lonely and sick and scared, and then I’m nothing. Feel nothing. Numb. Then a flash of anxiety again.
(please, please don’t give me crap for this part? I just need to write it somewhere)
I am obsessing over ways to escape this pain, both inside and out. I know there IS no escape, but it’s like my damn dreams…always searching and never finding. I intentionally caught my hand in the door this morning. Not hard enough to break, but hard enough that for one moment, I felt nothing but my hand….and it was so relieving. I’m madly aggravating every source of pain I know (I have a tooth I *really* need to get fixed and I’m messing with it, my ankles hurt like hell when I bend them, so I don’t stop bending them…etc). I actually feel like connecting with M just to get a good old dose of rejection and failure. Those things I can feel without falling apart. This crap? I can’t. What the hell am I supposed to DO with this? This pain that never seems to stop. My body is so angry with me for not fixing it…
It’s like when Colt was born. He screamed and cried and howled…imploring ice blue eyes, begging me to stop the things that were hurting him. I looked back so helplessly…carried him around (which he hated), lay on the floor with him (which he hated), sat and cried for hours and hours and hours with him (which D hated). I couldn’t take his pain away. I eventually learned how to make it easier on him, but I still can’t take his pain away…something I’ve come to accept.
I can’t, however, reconcile my own pain that way. I’ve done a lot to try to make it easier (ongoing now medical battle, 6 years). I subjected myself to every test, clinic, specialist, I could find and came up with nothing aside from what I already knew. The degenerative disc disease and the arthritis was OBVIOUS, the rest of the pain was not. There is no cause, I’ve been told….it doesn’t make sense to me. There must be a cause…would everyone feel like this all the time otherwise? I keep getting told to “live with it”. I’m taking narcotic pain killers that are really effing up my quality of life. This is … it? Until what? Until I die? I’m going to be in agony and half stoned for the rest of my life and I should just live with it?
Something is messed up in that thought. Sadly, I’m not sure if it’s me or otherwise.
About GrainneMy name is Grainne. I suffer from depression, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have an an attachment disorder. I navigate though life with the help of my autistic little boy who is my hero and my every joy. My story here is difficult but necessary. I appreciate your stopping by and taking the time to share in my world.
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