*This one turned into a bit of a novel – sorry about that! My dreams have a tendency to eat up a lot of my head space. This may be entirely uninteresting…not sure…but it’s what is occupying my thoughts at this moment.*
I feel like…(searching for a sufficient adjective…) rotten. Rotting from the inside out…outside in, who fucking cares anymore. (Oh, apparently, I feel angry and defiant – pardon me, that wasn’t expected).
I went home yesterday in so much pain I probably shouldn’t have been driving. I picked Colt up at the sitter (he’s on March Break, happy boy) and got home in one piece. Colt vanished to his room to play Minecraft (his latest obsession that actually makes me really happy. It’s age appropriate and quite involved; he’s playing ‘properly’ and is having fun…very cool for him). I sat down on my chair/blanket and texted D to see when he’d be home. Two hours, he said. I flipped through Instagram for an hour, made some nachos for Colt and I, opened a beer and sat down again. Within 15 in I was done…I could feel sleep coming for me. I texted D again, told him I was zoning out. He said “15 min” and I don’t remember anything else. Mother of the year, I know. At least Colt’s nine now and doesn’t need to be physically watched 24/7. Anyway.
I dreamed up a storm last night, of course, which suited my mood perfectly. Nightmare after nightmare…all about these woods I can’t seem to get out of. I was going to just write this in my dream blog but I’ll put it here too, since it’s all I can think about and it’s not sexually graphic or gory.
First, how I feel. Sore, lots of pain, headache is just sucking the life from me. My eyes are heavy and I couldn’t get any make up on today as I couldn’t stop sweating after my cool shower. I sweat all night, soaked to the skin. There were drips coming from my head that ran non-stop and soaked my pillow, the pillow beside me and my face. I kept waking up with my ear or eye socket full of sweat (a rather uncomfortable feeling, lemme tell you). My comforter was soaked through; I had flipped and rotated it several times in the night. So, wrapped in soaking wet clothes, hair plastered to my face, also soaking wet, soaked comforter squished around me, trying not to let in any outside air so I could maintain my sweat swamp atmosphere and at least stay warm. I kept waking frozen as my blanket would start to overheat and shut off (safety device installed on purpose, by me). The wet….everything…would cool and cling to me and I’d wake with every muscle in my body tense and my skin cold and clammy. So that was my night. I dashed to the shower this morning and although I was dying for some heat, I kept it cool so I’d not sweat again when I emerged but it did not good. I paced the house dripping sweat and shivering until I managed to get my clothes on (ew) and then got outside to my car where I could directly control the temperature of the air blowing on me. I’m doing okay now. It’s just above freezing out there and this is my worst time of year. It seems that cold makes my bones hurt and hot makes my nerves fire off and hovering around freezing makes both hurt. I look like death, I’m sure, hair wet from shower in a crappy messy bun, bangs pinned back and a clenched, pale face with hollows under my eyes. But seriously, I couldn’t care less right now. (Been trying to look decent – keep my face alive to show them all this isn’t killing me, but really, today it’s just too much).
I’m hovering somewhere near depressed but not so much so that I can’t pull out of it at will. This is handy, to say the least. No outward anxiety, no panic attacks, no unnecessary catastrophizing. (not a word, I know…)
So. Dreams. These woods are getting more threatening. Last night I was in a loop of dreaming the same sort of dream, over and over, with the same sort of outcome each time, never a good one for me. I’ll try to capture it here, please forgive me if I go a bit nutty on the detail. There’s a feeling these dreams carry that I need to get across and I’m not sure I’m able.
I was driving in a car with several people, none of whom I know from previous dreams. I wasn’t sure where we were going or why we were headed that way. There were several dreams that I recall driving in from town (the town I live in, in dreams) and I managed to get ahold of where, exactly, these woods were geographically located on my ‘map’. It was helpful, knowing where I was because I knew I could get back out. Always makes me feel better.
We were driving down the road that leads to the houses where my friend lives, the girl I’m so obsessed with following/finding/catching up with. As we drove by the house I stuck my whole head out the window and tried to see if anyone was inside through the windows.
“I know the people who live there…” I told my car companions. No one seemed to care.
We passed another house in this sparsely laid out neighbourhood and I recognized the place where Tom and his wife, D and I had spent that weekend drinking too much and mourning the death of someone I can’t place now. I watched as we passed by but it looked empty, as I expected for some reason.
The driver carried on down the street which turned to a packed gravel road and then to a loose gravel one, rarely used. The trees were not manicured here and roots erupted from the ground everywhere making the ride a bumpy one. Bumps hurt my back but no one seemed to care. I didn’t bother complaining. Suddenly, from the driver’s side my eye caught a blur speeding toward us, white, I thought, about the size of a basketball. The driver swerved to avoid it and it hit a nearby tree spattering against it like a paintball. Within seconds the substance began to smoke and bubble, eating a hole in the tree everywhere it touched.
“Holy shit did you see that?” I asked my car mates. They were as bothered by it as me.
We pulled over, nowhere, and the passengers filed out of the car, leaving me behind. They walked, single file, into the woods and I sat where I was as they disappeared from sight. Once they were gone I moved to the driver’s seat and since the car was still running, I made an awkward three-point turn and took off back the way we had come.
As I drove, more of the white projectiles flew past in my peripheral and I could smell the wood dissolving from contact with them. It wasn’t a pleasant smell like a campfire but something caustic and violent. I was only thinking of getting out of the woods as I flew down the gravel road kicking up a massive dust storm behind me.
I sped past the houses I’d spent so much time in and nearly lost control of the car as I took a fast and tight left hand turn onto the main road. White projectiles whipped past me throughout the journey and ate holes in anything they hit. I had no idea how I had managed to avoid them. I was alarmed when I realized that they were not stopping as I left the woods behind…I had assumed they would stay there somehow. A large splat drew my attention as a tractor-trailer parked on the side of the road took a hit and began to hiss, smoke and dissolve before my eyes. It was then I realized I’d never outrun them and stopped the car.
I sat still, counting breaths as my car began to take its assault. The first hits were from behind and I tried not to watch the glass melting in my rearview mirror. The metal lines embedded in my rear window, used to heat the glass in winter, sparked and caught fire like a sparkler from a fireworks event. They burned quickly as the glass took on a liquid form around them. The metal smelled rusty and poisonous as it melted away in chunks. The second to last hit got the back seat where I had been sitting on the journey into the woods and I knew the next would get me where I sat. I closed my eyes and waited, seconds stretching into hours, and the hit just didn’t come. I opened my door and got out, stood in the middle of the road and suddenly noticed that my car mates from earlier were now standing in the ditches on either side of the road I was on. They weren’t doing anything, just standing there, watching and it gave me the creeps.
A high whine caught my attention and I turned to see a white projectile zooming directly for me. I opened my arms to it, tipped my face to the sun and closed my eyes. When it hit I felt a heat in the core of my being and the air around me seemed to burst into flames. I was lifted by the force of impact and thrown but I didn’t ever hit the ground again. I vanished from this earth in a sizzling fiery pop and I was gone.
I woke up, soaking in my own sweat, frozen, clammy and unable to move with my comforter bunched around my neck, both hands clenching it to me. It took me a while to find the power to roll over and turn my blanket back on. I lay there for a few minutes, eyes wide in the dark room, and asked my brain to kindly stop with the dreams of death and went back to sleep.
The dream carried on all night, different scenarios, different threats, same ending. I found myself in the car again when I slept, same group, same road into the woods. I told them several times that we would die if we went in there but they didn’t seem to care.
One time, as I made my way back to town, some of my more regular dream friends were riding along with me. In one dream one looked at me and said:
“Well Grainne, it could be worse. You could be dead.” To which I just looked at him, expressionless.
“I’m not positive that’s a fair comparison.” was all I could say.
There were dreams where I was inside one of the houses in the woods and there was something trying to get in the door…a dog or a cat, I thought, scratching at the wood. Every time I went to peek whatever was out there would force its way in and I ended up having to watch my friends and family get attacked and, eventually consumed by the beasts. I was left for last every time.
The last dream I had involved Colt and D. We were in a city centre…charming though so likely a smaller town. It was winter, snowy and cold and christmas lights were strung through the stick like trees planted along the road edge. Someone had taken a huge amount of time to weave tiny white lights along every branch and twig…it was quite lovely to see.
There was a book store that also carried little treasures; gemstones, glass jewelry that was obviously hand-made, little kitschy gifts and book marks…nice little place. There was a book inside, bound in red leather with gold inlays and a full colour picture on front that looked as if it had been carved into the leather. It had such charm and the place smelled like expensive candles and incense, even from the outside….but it was the book I was interested in. I think that the book was for sale but the plan was to steal it by distracting the clerk. D was going to ask her questions and I was to slide in behind the counter, grab the book and leave the store.
We milled around out front, waiting for the store to be empty before we attempted our heist. I didn’t want anyone seeing me take it. Again, I’m not sure why I couldn’t pay for it…theft is not in my nature by far, but it was very important somehow.
I opened the door and a lovely little bell chimed, announcing our arrival. The store clerk was older, kind and not suspicious of our small family and greeted us with a smile. I can’t recall why, but, I couldn’t find, or take, or hide the book and aborted our mission almost immediately. D was unhappy with me.
“Now what will we do, Grainne?” He asked solemnly.
I couldn’t think of an answer. I had no idea what we would do.
Such a hectic night and it ended nowhere. People I loved were dead, something unexplainable was coming to kill me for starting something I hadn’t finished and I couldn’t take the book that I knew had all the answers. I was overheating, sweating, freezing and clammy and the pain inside my body swelled and receded like a tide…it’s still doing that; nearly overwhelming me then rushing backwards leaving me light-headed and aching.
So yeah. I’m not depressed but my subconscious is trying to kill me. Six of one…I guess. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do.
Okay so I had my interview this morning. I used to love interviews…thought I still did somehow. I speak easily and openly with people and the fact that they were interviewing me wasn’t a bother at all, in fact, I like showing off a little and talking about my skill set.
That first interview wasn’t great…I felt them go before it was obvious in tone. I knew I wasn’t winning anyone over in that one. I wasn’t sure why but chalked it up to the fact that they were surgeons and surgeons tend to be of a particular personality type…one I’m not usually compatible with. This last one wasn’t a surgeon though, and in fact, specializes in neurology, a field I’ve worked in before. He only asked me a few questions (maybe he’s a to the point kinda guy) but he asked the right ones…seemed that I answered them okay as he smiled and went on after each answer. He ended by telling me that he had others to interview and he’d let me know in a couple of weeks. Made sense…all good…but then I offered to send him a list of references and he refused them. He said there were a few people I’ve worked with in the past (as per my résumé) who he wishes to speak with. If they say I’m good, he’s satisfied. He mentioned one from the past who adored me, which was a good thing…but then he brought up my last boss who pretty much avoided me for the last few months of his term. That won’t go well, I assume. So yeah. Turned down (probably) for another job that I’m taking a serious pay cut to even consider.
People used to like me. I could work a room like nobody’s business and it didn’t matter how many times I tripped and fell, I could always get back up again with grace. Everyone liked me. I made damn sure of it in my earlier years. Eventually I figured out that everyone liked me because I was a chameleon and changed shape to suit those around me in a way that would ensure they felt I was securely on their side. Now that I’ve decided to be myself and not parade around with a suitcase filled with different masks to fit any situation that might arise, I’m finding that people don’t like me. I mean, “like” is not a great word to use because it means something personal at times and that is not what I mean. I don’t expect to have perfectly clicking, deep friendships with everyone, nor do I expect everyone to adore my personality or sense of humor … but there’s this feeling I’m getting from interviews so far, of passive hostility and absolute dismissal without a word. It’s like they scanned me, categorized me as “x” and then made it clear that they are not very fond of “x” people. S0 strange.
Even as a little kid I could make people like me. I was always the ‘quiet, well behaved’ one. I was never any trouble, didn’t eat too much, barely spoke and was only too happy to go along with someone else’s plans for fear of speaking my own desires or needs. I did my very best to be as invisible as I possibly could …which I guess most people liked? No one complained anyway.
I went along with life until the ptsd knocked the wind out of my sails and I found myself unable to wear an effective mask in triggering situations. I was suddenly moody and in tears all the time; depressed and lost in the darkness of it all. Clearly, that is not what most people wish to accompany in life so I lost a lot of people through that. Afterwards, I carried on trying to re-wear the old masks but something had changed and I was no longer as captivating to people, no longer wanted or sought after. It was like they just didn’t fit anymore.
Through all of this, I was aware that I could not live up to whatever it was I was putting out there. It caused a great deal of fear in me, knowing that the cracks in my personality were showing and it was only a matter of time before people figured it out. It was because of this fear that I lost everyone and losing everyone was what drove me to examine myself and my methods closely and decided, in the end, that I was going to be true to myself from now on. I didn’t want to ‘trick’ people into believing in me anymore. I just wanted to be *me*. I wanted to not care how well I complimented the person I was standing beside…I wanted to care about what I wanted and I thought, foolishly, that doing so would draw people to me who understood, or even might draw people who actually liked me for exactly who I am. Sadly, the few times I’ve attempted this in the last little while have ended in failure. There’s something about me that turns people off….they just don’t want to be close to me anymore. It’s a funny little dismissal…like they realized I’m not really a person, and therefore, require no emotional interaction. Or like I’ve become something they are better than? Maybe something they can destroy with ease? I don’t know, exactly, but it is not a nice feeling and whatever it brings out in people feels and tastes like dismissal and absolute disinterest.
So. Now I’m feeling low again. I just cannot seem to catch enough of a break to get my feed under me again before more negative feelings come crashing in. I didnt’ sleep for 15 hours last night so the heat and quiet of this office are lulling me to sleep again. Right now my eyes are splitting the words on my screen in two and I can barely keep the lids from dropping closed. I’m just on the very edges of waking dreams…little thoughts and moments captured; the first tendrils of dreams coming for me. I’ve not felt the click though…not yet, but it’s most definitely coming.
I’m in a lot of pain today too. Head, neck, shoulders, wrists, fingers, arms, collar bone, rib cage, shoulder blades, sciatic nerves, ankles and bruised toes on my right foot. oh and I have my ever-present head ache. It’s warm out today (just above freezing) and sunny which is making my nerves all twangy. Cold is hard on the bones, good one the nerves, warm is good on the bones, hard on the nerves… I can’t seem to win. I took my stomach meds this morning like a good girl but the stress from the interview overrode it, apparently. My tummy is just full of acid and burning pain.
Ohh haha…and, I got a final total on my meds!! I filled four of the five today leaving one of the pricier ones for next trip. The total for my meds without my 90% coverage? Just over $700 a month. That’s if I don’t take much ativan and I use the generic form of most meds. Oh hell, forgot the birth control ($30 per month) and the stomach meds ($100 per month) Soooo $830.00 a month. What the hell? I’m not a cancer patient who requires complex medications to beat the disease; I’m not a transplant patient who requires anti-rejection drugs that cost a small fortune each month either. These are muscle relaxers, antidepressants, and anxiety meds.
*Whoops just drifted off there for a sec. Eff…this is going to be a long day. 12:17 pm and counting. :S
Alrighty. I did the online personality screening for that external company who called me within minutes of applying for their advertised position. I hit enter and not ten minutes passed before their HR called me and asked for an interview. They’re pulling schedules together and will me know when early next week.
Then my phone rang again One of the medical secretary jobs I applied for (bit of a salary cut but full benefits and I keep my seniority and pension) wants to meet me on Monday. The physician is not a surgeon (bonus!) and I actually know him from years ago when I worked for a clinic in the same department. It’s at my favourite campus (not this shitty crumbling building) and I’m well versed in the lingo of that field as I used to do dicta typing for three of the same specialists. Yay! D was SO happy to hear that…even with the lower salary. I’m excited.
There’s still that year temp coverage that I applied for. I know I’ll be interviewed for that position as it’s a level 2 and I’m currently in the same role, only level 3. I know the woman I’d be supporting from various committees over the years and she’s dedicated, kind and very smart. It’s in the Children’s Hospital too which is such a bonus for me. I’d love to work there…at least most of the peds I know are kind to their patients and think more about their health than the paycheck they’ll get. That said, I’m not sure what they will do with my benefits and pension if it’s a temp full-time job. Will interview for both and see what happens!
I think I’ll interview at the external place too. Can’t hurt right? Their salary projection is lower than the doc’s office though. It all depends on where I feel I fit best this time…not just about the money.
D just called me with some great news from his job too. We’re all having a great Friday it seems! Hooray!!
I’m off to get myself some lunch. D and I are going to treat Colt tonight to pizza and arcade games at a local place. They have bowling, pool, a full on arcade and a restaurant. It’s like Chuck E Cheese but for grown ups too! Colt will love it. I was told to stop and get a lot of quarters. *giggles*
SO fuck the pain. I’m having a good day despite it.
*I’m trying, hard, not to complain. I don’t want this to be another long whining post about pain…but dear me, I am suffering today.
Yesterday wasn’t too bad until I got home and sat down on my comfy chair, heating blanket on high. The warmth penetrated my skin and hit my bones…usually, that creates a tiny sliver of relief however, last night? Agony.
You see, this drop foot is still going (from my fall down the stairs earlier this week? Last week? Time is kind of all swirling together on me today) and it’s getting worse. Just in case you missed that post and you don’t know what a drop foot is: FOOT DROP – Wikipedia . I was rushing around yesterday morning, as D had to leave early for work and I was left to get both Colt and I ready (D is the functional one in the AM so he usually gets Colt ready to go while I drag my arse around trying to get dressed). I got his breakfast made, my shower in, my clothes half on, his clothes ready and then I realized I had forgotten underwear for him and turned to rush back upstairs to grab a pair. Directly in front of me was a plastic desk chair with metal legs and although I saw it, my foot/leg didn’t quite respond as I had asked it to and instead of weaving around the metal leg, my foot smashed directly into it. The metal is round so it went between my 3rd and 4th toe and I was right convinced I had broken them all when the pain it. I actually cried like a five-year old with a scraped knee it hurt so much.
I went on with life and, forgetting I have a super high tolerance for pain AND take a fair amount of narcotic pain killers daily, I didn’t even check to see if there was swelling. Last night, I got home and was sore…achey. My bones hurt but the weather is warming slightly and that always triggers pain. I lazed around a while then decided to get my PJ’s on and read curled up in my chair for a bit. I got my shirt off fine but when I tried to take my pants off my leg just screamed in pain. My sciatic nerve felt like someone had strummed it with their fingers and the pain bounced from my butt to my foot. My hip also groaned in protest and my toes fired up, curling forward with pain, causing delightful foot and calf cramps. Once I got that under control I figured I’d better check on my foot. It was hard to do. My left leg is still sore from the fall down the stairs and this was my right. I pulled my sock off and froze. My toes were various shades of red, black, blue and purple and two of them were about three times their normal size. D saw it from across the room and nearly demanded I go get an x-ray immediately, but, I’ve broken toes before this way and we both know they can’t do anything about it. I said I’d stop and get some tape on my way home tonight and would go in on the weekend if it got worse or didn’t change.
So. My right foot is not happy with me. Black and blue toes, messed up ankle, random calf cramps and a burning, stinging pain all along my sciatic nerve. My hip got a jolt so that’s aching too. My left leg is still recovering from the slam down the stairs and my left ankle is so painful today I can’t really move it. I do have joint pain, in all of my joints, quite often. No one has ever bothered to figure that bit out for me and I dropped it long ago realizing I had to slim down my symptom list if I wanted to get a doc to listen to me. My shoulders are locked up tight as is my neck and there’s limited blood flow to my brain which is causing near-crippling headaches. Just to get to work today I took six Advil migraine, two targin (narcotic), two muscle relaxers and two Tylenol, just for kicks. My neck feels like a bag of broken marbles, shards of glass all mixed up between. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to breathe. Standing is really hard but sitting hurts more (Sciatica. I fucking hate those nerves, let me tell you). But, here I am at the office. At least it’s friday eh?
Colt is a happy boy. He’s having a PA day today and March Break is next week for our little ones. He woke singing and danced down the stairs.
“GOOD MORNING MY DARLING MOTHER!” He sang out as he passed me on the way to the bathroom.
He was very sweet about it though. As he was munching his breakfast I was applying a bit of make up to make myself look like I’m alive, he looked at me with concern.
“Mom? You don’t get PA days do you?”
“Nope. Mom gets stuck working all the time!” I pouted.
He got up and came to me, draped his arms around my shoulders from behind and nuzzled into my shoulder.
“Oh mom. I can call your boss and ask for you if you like?”
“Ahh thank you sweetheart, but PA days are just for kids. I had plenty when I was little.”
I felt him smile against me, he thinks it’s hilarious that D and I used to be kids.
“Well then, you will just have to keep remembering that it’s Friday, and I love you.” He offered.
It made me ridiculously happy. He’s such a sweet, thoughtful little guy. Ooh! Brings to mind another moment from last night.
D and I were talking in the kitchen about jobs and such. He wants me to try to stay in the hospital and I was just about to take an interview for an outside company. We argued a touch…I mentioned disability and he went bananas. He will not allow me to think about that…he sees it as giving up. I see it as a possible way to survive a few extra years without being crippled by pain and stress. I just got up and walked away. He followed a few minutes later apologizing. I explained my point, he nodded sympathetically. I also told him how much of a failure I feel like. I told him I was feeling a lot of pressure to work myself to death, literally, just so I can half support us. I reminded him of when he told me he “wasn’t going to live with someone on disability. He hadn’t signed up for that life…yada yada yada.” His eyes teared over and he said sorry. Mine started to drip too and I told him I loved him. Colt was in the room playing with some trains and turned to look at me.
“Why are you sad mom?” He asked so calmly. He usually gets very wound up when someone he cares for is upset around him.
“I just feel really bad baby. I feel sad because I have to sleep all the time and I miss you a lot.” I managed.
Colt came over and sat on my couch and wrapped his arms around me.
“Oh mom, it’s okay! Sometimes you’re really sore and you have to sleep to rest your bones.” Then he whispered in my ear: “You know we care about you right? Not the money…just you.”
*mind blows up* Well then. Sometimes it’s so surprising, what info he has captured and understood. I don’t hide things from him ever (we discuss adult and relationship issues away from him, of course, but I never hide my pain. I can’t lie to him..won’t. He sees too much). He was very mature about it all, calm, collected, and just wanted to help me stop crying. I forced a stop immediately for him and he went back to playing with his trains, mission completed.
How lucky am I to have this little soul in my life? Both of them really.
So. Pain aside, today is a wonderful day, not a miserable one. D’s enjoying his new job, Colt is happily playing with his friends at his sitters house (I love her so. She made me muffins. mmmm) and its friday. Could be so much worse.
I’ve submitted applications everywhere..even places that I can’t really afford to take. I mean, there’s a HUGE difference in what people are paying inside and outside of the hospital. Today, I nearly applied for one that was more than half my current wage. I actually think I could make more money working in a coffee shop. How demeaning. My education was bloody expensive…
I’m kind of panicking here. I just went through and made notes in my phone calendar of what jobs I’ve applied for and when. I have 15 out in various places that might be accepted…the rest I’m not counting as I didn’t have all of the qualifications required. Here, they say to ‘go ahead and apply’ and then note that the requirements are firm. :S Well…what’s the point then? An HR recruiter will read it, put it in a ‘no’ pile and that’s that.
So. Of the 15, there are only 2 that are comparable to my wage although most have benefits for medication which is having to take the place of money right now. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this stuff. I still don’t know what we’re going to do…but the pressure is on. I do still have three months but I’m terrified that they will fly by like this one did and Ill end up with nothing. I mean, I’ve only been called for one interview and I had to set it up myself with the physician.
I have three projects to work on here but I can’t focus. All I can hear is my coworkers talking about my work…which is now not my work and it’s so hard to hear. Everyone seems to have moved on…they don’t really care about me or what’s going on but it’s no huge surprise..they never did. Obviously right on up to the director.
There are three people here who started after me. Two of them were found ‘jobs’ when their role became unnecessary but not me. There was a part-time gal here for ages who was paid a very high salary to sit around and do dick-all while she wrote her thesis. She stayed on until she got a full-time teaching job…we had a little going away party for her. I knew this was coming though, in retrospect. My role changed and I wasn’t given any tasks to pick up. I asked multiple times, also asked for help multiple times…and, here I am. Why am I so worthless to these people?
I worked while so sick I could barely function. I know that’s no gift to them but I did a good job and didn’t take advantage of the things I could have…should have, I guess. I should have gone on leave while I was able. Would have been better than this.
This place is depressing. It’s hot, no one even bothers to say hello to me anymore and I just sit here, job hunting and picking at their crap office work as I wait for the day to pass, checking the job boards three million times a day. One came up today I was hopeful for and I think I applied within 2 minutes of it posting. Desperate? Oh yeah.
This sucks. Every moment of it. :( I feel so unappreciated and worthless. It’s really really hard to stay positive in a place like this. I wish…I don’t know. I just wish it was over. The last one I applied for is only temp for a year but at least I can apply for other things there. Not ideal, but will do. Fingers crossed … or whatever. :(
Two hours sleep last night. My back/neck/spine was so sore I felt like I was sleeping on a mattress stuffed with glass marbles..poky, sore to lie on, no way to shift to get comfortable. The consequence is that I barely slept. I kept waking up with an entire limb dead white/gray and completely numb. My feet burn like they’re on fire at night after I’ve been on them all day. Nothing takes that heat away…not even soaking them in cool water. If I can convince D to squeeze all the blood from them it helps a little, short-term, but not much. In the morning, after lying down all night, my hands and feet are bloodless. I’ll wake to that stage beyond pins and needles that will wake you from a deep slumber with a jerk.
Anyway. Not much sleep for Grainne and I’m soooo tired. I’m about 11 hours shy of what I needed to feel rested. Now, in this hot, stuffy, miserably quiet office I’m starting to doze off while typing this. My eyes go all out of focus and if I stare too long the words and the lids start drooping. One blink, two blinks, three….and that one sticks for a moment and I feel myself slipping away as I jerk to attention again.
I’m overheating a little even with the window open (it’s so nice outside today……)
OOHHH! Ohhh crap. :( I get it now. :S
Last winter it was warmish (still cold but nothing like this winter) and wet. It rained so much that we flooded several times. The warmish, wet weather was hell on my bones. I got through last winter by telling myself that I’d feel so much better in the spring and summer. Wrong. BUZZZZZZ. Dead wrong. The spring and summer arrived and I was worse than ever. *sigh*
I suffered through to get to summer, then suffered through to get to fall, now suffering through this biting cold winter aaaaand here comes spring again and I’m in pain. I think I’ll just stop equating my physical state with the seasons since it all seems bad.
Yeah, this pain is familiar now. Aching, stinging pull of overstretched tendons and rock solid neck muscles. Excellent…nerves feel trapped everywhere.
I got another really nice email from one of the senior consultants in HR today. I reached out to him to let him know I was needing work and was on layoff notice and he responded immediately, asking for a copy of my resume. He’s going to put the word out for me…see what he can dig up. He’s a great guy…I hope he digs something up for me. (I’ll buy him coffee for a year if he does! Lol) He was ‘shocked’ about the news too, as almost everyone seems to be. More confirmation that my reputation is untarnished and people think I do a really great job of things here. Makes me feel so much better…every little bit counts. :)
Okay. Onto the second can of Pepsi for the day. Sugar, caffeine and bubbles. Lol…who needs more?! (maybe a shot of rum or something…hmmm).
Right. It’s nearly noon. Four hours of this misery to go.