A moment before I sleep. At 430 pm.

Hey all. So I find myself with an extra 15 minutes before I drop off the face of the earth at 4:38 PM and I wanted to type a blog so I logged onto my computer to discover that it’s broken. I don’t know if I have a virus or if there’s something wrong with the Internet but if you’ve known me for a while, you’ll know that there is almost always something wrong with my Internet so I’m not terribly concerned. I’m going to try to text this entry into my iPhone which is not a favorite pastime of mine. If it comes out all garbled and stupid sounding please forgive me.

So the new job is going fine. I am having fun learning the new skills and people are actually kind of nice so it’s a whole different environment from where I came from. Mind you, these people get paid a hell of a lot more than my old cohorts did. Being back in the hospital on a clinical unit is a real eye-opener now that all the reductions of been put in place and there’s all different systems. We are right now in the middle of changing our entire paper patient record over to an electronic record. They have connected all of the hospitals in our area so it’s actually quite an endeavor. Being on the corporate side of things,
of course, I saw all of the budgetary information but didn’t have a real sense of what it was actually like for the providers on the floor. Some people, like the younger nurses and the new residents fellows and physicians, actually quite like the changes as they were trained in a more electronic age. The older physicians nurses and providers however, are struggling with the technology. The hospital, or maybe more so the ministry, has pumped hundreds of thousands and possibly millions of dollars into this changeover. It will be interesting to see it unfold at the very least.

As for the pain, it’s still there and I’m still struggling. I’m still hopeful that the additional movement and activity around me will eventually help with the pain, I’m not entirely sure how long I’ll have to wait until it subsides, but as for now it’s quite monumental. My stomach is in shreds and I don’t know if it’s from the additional stress of having to learn all of this new information but I’m having to take twice as much stomach medication I was before. I’m thinking of trying
to see my doctor to see if I can find something else that might work for a while. Right now, I need to concentrate on hiding the pain and problems that I have so that I can, at the very least keep this job until I find something full-time permanent, hopefully long before September. I am truly not sure if I’m going to be able to make it but I can’t think of any reason not to try.

When I get home I pretty much managed to get Colt settled and then I fall sleep for the day. It’s leaving me with no time to do anything. The House is a mess except for The things D can help with, the outside is a mess because I haven’t had a chance to pick anything up from the winter, I don’t have any clean clothes cause I can’t manage to get any laundry done, and I haven’t even been able to stay in touch with my friends via email and I can barely update my blog. Next week I have some more time on my own in the office and I was thinking it would allow me to catch up on a few things but I’m worried that I’ll end up spending even more time trying to figure everything out.

So I’m a crummy housekeeper and pretty much a crummy mother cause I barely see my kid and I’m trying desperately to learn this new job while existing in incredible pain and carrying around this exhaustion. Doesn’t seem to matter how much I sleep but as long as it’s around 12 hours I can function for most of the rest of the day. So that’s about where I am now. I haven’t been able to email any of my friends and I’m starting to feel really bad so I decided to email them all back short reply tonight, update my blog and then just give up and go to sleep and start again tomorrow.

One good thing is that human resources seems to have listened to my concerns and they’ve agreed to continue helping me some. I don’t know if that’s going to be until September when this job closes or whether it’s only going to be until the end of May, but I’m still getting layoff preference … which really got me nothing in the first place but, help is help in whatever form it comes.

So as exciting is that was that is about my life just now. I’m hoping and hoping and hoping that next week as my schedule settles the pain will calm down, my clarity will come back and I’ll actually be able to engage in life again rather than just sleeping and working. The caliber of people I’m surrounded by is really making a difference, they seem to be caring compassionate people. Some are bitchy and want to complain but because I have over 300 people in my department now the pickings are a little bit less slim than they used to be. It’s definitely been a Great change.

To all my wonderful blog friends, thank you for sticking this out with me. I haven’t had a chance to catch up on your blogs or to read your comments but I promise I will do so as soon as I am able.

Over and out for now. Xx. Sorry again, for the probable terrible grammar spelling and punctuation errors. I’m stuck with this iPhone for now and I’m too tired to pick through and make sure it’s all perfect.

New way of doing things :)

Going to try to do a few shorter posts through the day.  I feel like I’m all bound up with information I need to share and just cannot find the time to record it!  I’m alone for a little bit today so will formulate and plan prior to logging in.  lol…oh the trials eh? 

Weekend was good.  I slept a lot and felt well rested this morning when I woke up.  The dreams have been pale and not so terrifying of late so that’s helping a ton too. 

I have something on my mind about the power of the moment…I’ll share that one when I go for a coffee break. 

Happy Monday all!  xx  More soon.

Sunday in the time warp

Oh god I’m tired. I’m so wiped out I fell asleep yesterday while we were out shopping. We went into a store..I remember that clearly and then things get fuzzy. Apparently, I just went to sleep somewhere between the store and the car. D helped me to the car and then we drove around finishing the errands I’m told, while I snoozed. I have no memory of anything until around 8 or 830 when D woke me and gave me some rice and pork soft tacos he’d made. (Amazingly delicious, FYI).

I’ve done a lot this week though, between the new Job and being able to run errands on the way home. I’ve been trying really hard to get as much into every day as I can without burning my body out. I guess I’m pushing the right limits. :).

I just did a very gentle work out/stretch with my shoulders, which are causing me problems and pain today. It made them much worse so I’ve changed to heat/ice/rest. $20 says i’m asleep within the next 10 minutes

New job is going really well and I’m pretty happy about the changes made. I have tons more information and thoughts that I want to share with you guys but it will have to wait until a moment when I’m not about to sleep. I’m kind of pushing it today even though I’ve been awake only a couple of hours.

I think I’ve pissed off most of my internet email friends (present company excluded because I know you guys understand). Nothing I can do but carry on and continue trying to get as much into my day as I can. The ones who love me for who I am will stay. :)

Training continues for one more week and then I start a new adventure. Lol. It’s a fun job though. All I do is help people, manage their pay and their time, smile at everyone who walks by and make sure the unit runs smoothly. It’s about custom built for my personality. Xx

More soon!

Forgot to mention…

…the anxiety.  Somehow, the calm, graceful side of Grainne is surfacing at work now.  It might just be part of the ploy to convince them I’m a good employee…lol.  Who knows.  It’s working though.  No panic aside from nightmares and no freak outs in the bathroom.  I’m pleased that all I’m experiencing is pain.  Then again, maybe that’s why the anxiety is down.  Pain almost always overshadows everything I feel.

 

K.  Now sleep.  (night!~)

Woah…I am tired and pretty happy and tired and sore but…pretty happy. :)

Hey All.  Wow this has been a week!  It’s only Wednesday, to my amazement.  I can’t believe how much longer days feel when you have no freaking clue what you’re doing.

So the new job (temp for six months) is going very well.  It’s a staffing role so I work directly on a unit in the actual hospital, not an offsite office like I used to occupy.  As predicted, the constant action, interruptions, visits and needs to run to the nurses stations help to keep me more awake but I’m finding the increased movement is just murder on my spine.  I’m assuming that once I get more used to it, more used to moving so much that is, the pain will reduce.  I’m hoping that’s the case anyway.  I’m not taking a lot of narcotics at this point and I’m doing it on purpose, hoping to equalize and keep my brain cells firing at the same time.  It’s a very memory intensive job…people pretty much yell out stuff as I walk down the hall and I try to keep track between getting done what I need done and returning to the little cubby I share with another staffing clerk along with the newest things yelled at me on the way back.

The unit itself is one of the biggest in the hospital so there are two separate nursing stations to visit, North and South.  Each has a full compliment of nurses and clerks along with all the fellows, residents and docs who round at different times daily.  Busy busy place.  The memory comes into play while trying to ensure proper coverage while following the BOOK of union rules.  It’s insane.  A full-time on A line can work 2 weekends in a row but must have five days off in a row if you have her work the fourth weekend…stuff like that.  There are sheets and sheets of schedules to do for a single week plus all the assignments and patient rotations…. *HEAD SPLITTING YAWN HERE*.

The staff are still pretty snotty and guarded with me but they’re usually like that until you get to know them some.  I’ve had some attitude already from a few of them but more than that smile and wish me luck when they see me fly by.  I quite like the atmosphere and attitude of most of them.  The coordinator, manager and current staffing clerk are hugely accommodating to their staff which means tons more work for me finding coverage, but results in a happier staff in the end.  It’s a real people job…prefect for me.

Funnily enough, the last clerk went on leave three years ago because she had terrible arthritis and her meds were making her mess up the schedules, resulting in thousands of accidental OT hours being paid out.  The union isn’t fond of seeing that, nor is payroll.  It was suggested she take a leave and just never came back.  Good to know I can stretch out long-term for a few years if I have to…lol.  In the meanwhile I’m valiantly pretending that I’m perfectly fine and feel no pain.  Quite the opposite is true.

I’ve been loving the earlier hours a lot but it just results in me being asleep by 430 rather than 530.   I’m drinking those (horrible) energy shots with taurine and caffeine in them to get through the 2 o’clock crash (which used to hit me at 3 when I started later – hence, took my meds later in the morning).   D suggested I take them when I get to work but I can’t show up all slumped over in agony.  I’m not permanent.  I don’t want to give anyone the idea I can’t handle this job.  I’ve blown off the things my trainer has noticed and flat-out lied about my ability to cope (in a casual conversation, not in a way that will come back to haunt me later).  I have no choice, it feels like.  We are about to start suffering big time…in the bank account department as it is.  The huge pay drop is justifiable but still going to hurt us very badly.  I hope we can still afford rent when we see what my take home is.  No one would tell me so I have to wait until I get paid the first time to see what my rate will be.  I don’t know what I’ll do from there.  I’m taking it day by day.

Right now I have a lot of pissed off friends whom I used to email pretty much daily.  I can’t access a PC at work anymore, only have a 30 min break as opposed to 60…I’m not alone for a second of my entire day.  I can’t even get a quick blog post off in the mornings anymore.  I think once I’m on my own I should be a little more free to hide somewhere and play on my phone…right now it’s important to make friends with some of these folks so I’m not just walked straight out the door when my six months are up.  On that note, if anyone with more seniority than me applies for the full-time posting, I’m shit out of luck.  The union is also preventing me from applying for other permanent jobs at this time…I’m pulling strings at HR because they fucked me over so badly…no one is returning my email which means they don’t want to tell me how screwed I might just be.  I don’t know…it’s stressful but I’m trying to just figure this one out and then I’ll figure out there rest.

So.  I’m a bit stressed.  The job is not hard but it’s intense and tricky.  If anyone gets called out of order or someone is offered a shift who has less seniority over someone else, the senior staff member can grieve the shift and I’m screwed.  I’m photocopying the entire freaking contract and bringing it home to memorize on the weekend….if I can manage to stay awake for more than the time it takes to do laundry and generally tidy up.

D is now dropping Colt off at the sitter in the morning so I’m coming home to all the lights on, food sitting out on the counter, garbage sitting next to the food, dirty laundry everywhere and that sort of fun.  I spent ten minutes cleaning up tonight and then just about went to sleep, but thought I’d shoot off a blog post first.  I’m going to try to at least be awake when D gets home today as we’re completely missing each other with my sleepy schedule.  He’s not even heard how the new job is yet.  I was really bitchy on Monday night…not so bad last night…a little better tonight.  The pain is driving me crazy though…i don’t know what to do with it all.  :(  I just keep hoping it will lessen or let go or … go away.  This is just so much stress and it’s not even a permanent job.

In conclusion, after three days of this, I need a break, I’m tired, I’m in a ton of pain but….I seem to be succeeding somehow.  The bulk of the new staff are kind enough and my direct superior is quite cool.  She’s easy-going and to the point but I’d not like to cross her.  Hopefully, I will make a good impression and who knows what the future might hold.  I’ve heard of a couple full-time jobs coming up in some out-patient clinics in the next months so I’ll definitely be applying for those, even if I legally can’t due to union rules.  It’s that or  end up right back where I started only in a crappier position with even worse pay.

Happiness though.  It’s worth a lot.  Once I manage to settle in, this might be a pretty good place for me to stay a while.  I hope.

xox  Hope everyone is well.  Please forgive me for not being around at all…I’m really behind on everything social.

Next steps:  Feed child.  Say Hi to D.  Sleep.

Wedding Dreams. Again. (Oh and a little happiness!)

First – this is my last day in this craptacular department!  I woke up with a grin on my face….lol.  I’m really excited to start my new job on Monday.

I ended up getting HR over a barrel.  They should have arranged an interview for me with the new job that posted…maybe I didn’t write about this.  Two days after I got my temp job a job well suited to my skill set with higher pay came up.  It’s in the same building I’m in now, one floor down.  Quiet, dead office, too hot all the time, few people working with me.  The only good points are that it’s permanent and more pay.  Because they didn’t bother to answer my email, I’m being granted permission to apply for it, although policy states, if you accept a temp job you must work 60% of it before applying for new positions.  (Stops folks from taking a temp job and leaving in the first week).  It’s a tough call.  I asked D his thoughts and he told me to take the job I already have regardless of the pay/status.  He wants to see me happy, he said, and he can see how excited I am about being back in the clinical ring.  Plus, admin jobs are not going to be so safe in the next five years as our budgets keep getting cut.  They’ll eliminate the admin jobs before the clinical ones, of course, soooo…I’m kind of getting out of this particular pool just in time.  I think I’ll stay with what I have.  I have until noon to decide.

Okay this dream plagued me all damn night.  I went to sleep around 6 and I can’t remember any other dreams aside from this one.  It woke me up and I’d start over again, same dream, slightly different plot, over and over again all night long.  I’ve had a similar one in recent months too…never quite got the point of it.

I was dreaming I was getting married.  I had on a beautiful white (*giggles*) gown with a long train and a gorgeous silky veil.  It was gorgeous and fit me like it was custom-made for my body.  I was really happy and excited to be getting married and I knew loads of people were coming to share in my joy.  Nothing could have made me happier.  

The ceremony was at the hospital I work in.  There was a big board room that they used for weddings, apparently, and the catering service provided meals and drinks.

No one in my family lives in town so everyone was having to travel to attend.  It made me feel so special that they were all coming just to see me get married…my heart was full to bursting as I anxiously awaited the time when I would walk down the aisle.

Once the room was ready and I had watched all sorts of people from my past file in and take a seat, I put on my best smile and walked into the room.  Someone noticed me and said “Oh there she is!” and the whole room turned to look.  I said “Hi Everyone!!” and they all burst into smiles and began to clap for me.  I felt like a million smiles were buzzing around my body…it was such a wonderful feeling and I relished every drop.

The ceremony was quick (and I didn’t actually see my husband…lol…he apparently wasn’t important to the dream) and when it was over people started milling around, looking for where to go next.  I asked a caterer who was speeding by when the food would be served and she looked at me, confused.

“We don’t serve dinner at these…” she said.

My mother was right behind me with the contract in hand.

“Oh yes you do!  I paid for meals for all of these people…it says so right here!” she held up a piece of paper that indicated meals would be served, chicken, pork or fish were the selection.  It also noted an open bar.

The caterer took the paper, read it, shrugged and handed it back to me.  There was to be no dinner or reception after all and I was devastated to realize that many of my guests were already leaving, annoyed that they had come so far just for a five minute service.

“Wait!  Don’t leave!  We can go somewhere else…”  I tried, but so many were already at the front doors on their way home.

I ended up going back to someone’s house with a small gathering of people.  I thought most of my family were heading there as well so when I arrived I sat and waited, still in my dress, for them to show up.  There were a bunch of younger people at the house who had come for the wedding and I asked them if they wanted to go out and hit a night club or bar.

“How many times will I be able to go drinking in a wedding dress in my life?”  I giggled aloud.  I was waiting to see my family first though, so sat again and waited.

A woman I knew as a child … my best friends mother, was there.  She is not alive in reality anymore but was there in my dream.

“Hey where is Wendy?”  I asked the woman.  I didn’t want to leave without her.

“Oh honey,” said her mom with sad eyes.  “She left after the ceremony when she heard there was no dinner.”

I was instant bulldozed by sadness.

“But she’s my best friend?  My best friend just left me here?”  tears sprang to my eyes.

“I’m so sorry lamb.”  She hugged me, crushing the lace of my dress.  I was so sad.

I went looking for my mother and sister but quickly realized they weren’t there and wouldn’t be coming at all.  They had gone home too, without even saying goodbye.  It reminded me of when my son was born, even in the dream.  (that happened in real life but that’s a story for another time).

So, upon discovering that my best friend, my mother, my sister and brother and all family and friends, aside from a small bunch, all left without even saying a word.  No congratulations, no hugs, no care.  I felt so lonely and let down I didn’t even know what to do.  I asked the younger kids (by that I mean 20 year olds) if they were ready to go and we set out, stopping at a sports bar where we all ordered pitchers of cheap draught beer.  They all ignored me and I sat in silence sipping my warmish beer alone in a corner, still wearing my wedding gown.

I left and no one noticed but by then I wasn’t surprised in the least.  I had never felt more alone.

***********

So.  Being let down is playing on my psyche.  I trusted these people in this department to care and after all these years I was surprised to find that they just don’t.  I treated them life family, was open about my issues (physical, anyway, the emotional ones are none of their business) and I reached out for help when I was struggling with a particularly abrasive personality.  For all my efforts I only got my job eliminated.  It’s a hard lesson…one I thought I’d already learned by being betrayed by so many people who called themselves family.

Lesson.  D and Colt are the best family in the world.  They make up for almost everything….I’m very, very thankful to have them.  :)

Oookay guys!  Last day!  I’m about to clean up the last few things I have to do and then I’m going to fucking sit here and play on the internet until three (ish) and I can split.  I have that lunch to attend in two weeks, which makes me laugh.  The director will have to sit there next to his boss while he tells me how happy he is for me to have found something.  LOL!  Ahh that will be fun.  I’m just going to look forward to that and ignore all the rest.

Thank you to all of you for helping pull me through this frightening and self-confidence killing time of my life.  I dont’ think I’d have done half as well without you guys.  You’re another great family in my life.  Just wanted you all to know.  xoxoxox

Have a great Friday!  xx

Sleepy Me

Oh goodness I am a sleepy office body today.  I went to bed nice and early last night…just before 6pm, and fell into an active, non-restful sleep.  I woke at…2 (?) and was then stuck awake until 4 am.  Although my combined hours are technically enough sleep to keep me going, having broken sleep like that makes me twice as tired as I would be had I not slept at all.

I first noticed it when I was driving Colt to the sitter’s to catch his school bus with her gang.  I wasn’t feeling unfocused but I kept drifting too close to the side of the road and was surprised when I kicked up a huge road sand/salt storm each time.  As I got closer to work it got worse until now, where it’s 9:12 am and I’m already fighting to keep my brain connected and conscious.  I’m already having trouble seeing clearly but the docs who have checked on that part of me have said that it’s just pressure from my locked muscles on my optic nerves.  No one has ever offered a solution to that, but many were quick to call it.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I stopped for a green tea and a breakfast sandwich to make sure my body had some energy to burn though, I have my window open to the cool, pretty morning, music playing softly in the background.  Should be in pretty rough shape by noon.  *sigh*  (lol…gotta laugh where you can I suppose!)

I might run across the road and pay a ridiculous price for one of those Monster energy drinks but they do not get along with my stomach at all.  Risk/benefit again.  Everything seems to boil down to that, these days.

OMG I just nearly dumped my tea directly into my keyboard.  (Meh.  What do I care?  They’re not going to use it anyway once I’m gone.  I like to get those ergonomic keyboards once in a while because no one will ever steal it…lol

Holy smokes I’m tired.  I feel like I took an elephant sedation dart to the neck and I’m not flailing my limbs about in an effort to stay alert and able to flee or fight should danger happen by.  I soooo can’t wait for Monday where this will likely not happen anymore.  Having people coming by every few minutes and sharing an office with someone will keep me on my toes and not passing out, I hope.  haha…

Ahh damnit.  The girls here in my department just found out tomorrow is my last day.  They want to take me out for lunch, which is so lovely, but I had hoped to give that one a miss.  Ah well…these little social functions are a necessary part of life around here.  They used to have a potluck every time it was someone’s birthday here, which was not bad, but when I worked for a clinic, years ago, they were awful!  People would all stand there sipping their weak coffee and eating the slice of banana bread someone baked and brought in silence.  No one liked each other and no one would talk…it would get deadly quiet and all you could hear was chewing until someone thought of something to say.

“Ohh!  Hey, you have a kid!  How’s your kid/wife/husband/mother in law/etc?”

“Did anyone see how nice it is out today.  I hear rain for the weekend though…”   *yawns*

I never understood why people force themselves to be social with people they don’t like.  It’s much easier to establish and maintain a collegial, professional relationship and leave it at that.  All the extra BS is just a frustrating waste of everyone’s time.

Well, back to work for me!  Only two days left of this crap and then I get a fresh start.  I can hardly stand to wait two more days… ;)

Have a good one guys.  xx

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