Lost. Again.

I’m not sure what the point of all this is anymore. Things are looking rather bleak in my world and I’m starting to wonder why the hell I’ve been fighting so hard if everything is going to end up miserable anyway.

The last job that Dayne had was very hard on him. He worked for a small company who didn’t do everything by the book…Dayne likes to follow rules, do work properly and professionally…he struggles when things aren’t done on the level, especially if it’s just for financial gain for the company. He takes pride in what he does, no matter what it is. There was one woman who was a right bitch to him (and everyone) and she played stupid games like messing up his tickets and schedule, not ordering his parts for installation…that sort of petty nonsense. It drove him nuts. Every morning he would wake up and vomit from anxiety and stress. He did it for a year, trying to get enough time in for us to be able to get a mortgage but near the end he just couldn’t hack it. One day he looked at me and told me that he just couldn’t do it anymore; he had to get out of there. I worked hard with him to help him find another place to be and he took the chance he got.

He’s been with a new company for about a year. This place doesn’t do everything by the book, messes up scheduling and lies to it’s customers on a regular basis. Lately, they’ve been blaming mistakes they’ve mad directly on Dayne. Apparently, the entire sales force does this to the installation techs and project managers which is exactly what he is. The boss gave him hell yesterday because he asked Dayne to train his son (who works at the office and although he’s not qualified, his dad lets him do all kinds of work, leaving his actual team sitting around the office doing absolutely nothing) so he could take over a particular job Dayne’s been doing and he just flatly refused. Dayne doesn’t work that way and he gets so emotionally involved in his world that the personal injustice of it all is more than he can handle. He refused to train the boss’s kid, refused to take the blame for their own poor planning and was really angry when he came home. This morning I woke to him ranting at me about how he can’t take it; he can’t live like that anymore. He’s waking up every morning and vomiting from stress and anxiety. He told me he’s leaving….simply cannot take it.

I know I should be supportive here but…man, i just couldn’t do it. I fucking put up with that last job I had for five years. Five years of being mistreated, bullied, degraded and condescended to. I got their coffee, ran their stupid meetings and jumped when they said jump. I was in agonizing pain, depressed, anxious, having fucking flashbacks and desperately trying to work through it all while dealing with life. I did it for our family. I did it so we’d not all fall apart and lose the tiny bit of success we’d managed to scrape out of life. Dayne told me he didn’t want a life with someone on social assistance. He told me not to give in or give up. He said not working would be the death of me even though I felt like working as hard as I was would take the little I had left and leave me with nothing. I chose to keep working full time after finding out I maybe have another ten years (nine now…fuck…) to be able to function normally before my spine causes me to have to slow down. I fought through it all…it was hard. It’s STILL hard. Just yesterday he told me to apply for that old job I had…the staffing one. It pays a lot less an hour but it’s wonderful and I loved it there. The work was easy and I did it very well. The hours were wonderful, the people – decent as well. It would relieve me of an enormous amount of stress (this current job is impossible. I’m working 60 hours a week these days for much less pay) and would be so much easier if I could just slow down a touch…. Anyway. He tells me he’s going to end up leaving, quitting, getting fired…he’s not sure how it will play out. He says as long as he makes the pittance he made as his last unworkable job, we’ll be fine. So. Fuck me then. He’ll go ahead and find something better for less pay, be less stressed and I’ll just keep on destroying my body and my will to live and keep everything together for us all, like I usually do.

(Whine fest, I know. I’m just full to the brim of this sort of exhausting crap).

My car is broken and we’re not fixing it. I’m currently driving our second vehicle but it’s not a good one…we just kept it around to haul trash to the dump on weekends. Dayne drives a company truck so when he quits we’ll only have one vehicle. Not good. I tried to guide him into getting a new vehicle and job before he quits and he said we would. He’s just going to take a chunk of the small account we’ve managed to save for a down payment and use it on a new vehicle. Great. Whatever. I guess that will have to do. We have been desperately trying to find a way to buy a small place so we can give it to Colt when he’s older. From the way things are looking he’s not going to be able to support himself as well as we hoped. Mind you, that’s still pretty far off and you never know what might happen. Still. Need to be somewhat prepared.

Anyway. That’s the Dayne stress. He’s been really having a difficult time keeping his cool which has resulted in issues with the school, his co-workers…Sigh. If he can’t cope though, he can’t cope. Who am I to say anything anyway.

My son is threatening teachers with scissors. He has zero social skills, he is not progressing academically. My body is slowly failing me, my brain is messed up….my partner is lost and struggling. I want something different this time around…something new to happen, maybe even something good? I know I’m lucky that Colt isn’t sick with something that will kill him, that I’m lucky for the same, that Dayne is a good man and a good father. I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge, which is a lot more than I’ve had at some points in my life but the sadness and stress are so much greater now. Had I know life would turn out like this all those years ago I might just have given in way, way earlier.

I feel like I’m running on fumes. One day the sun is going to come up and I’m just not going to get out of bed. There seems to be no point. I’m too damn tired to fight for nothing…that’s really all there is to it. If Colt wants to threaten to stab people with scissors and Dayne can’t find a job that doesn’t make him puke each morning and nothing is ever going to get better, why would I keep pushing myself into an early grave?

Just….why?

School meeting

Recap of my meeting with Colt’s school and the shit storm of emotions that followed.

Just had my meeting with Colt’s school. It wasn’t a bad meeting…we were just getting together to discuss Colt’s start to the year and talk about how things are going. The teacher, principal (the normal one…she’s not gone on leave yet), the school board psychologist, and the learning support teacher were all there to talk with us. Dayne came and he behaved nicely so that was a bonus.

So. They tell me that Colt has made zero academic progress since last year. They are not seeing him accomplish much of his IEP (Individual Education Plan) and they are concerned he’s not being tapped to his fullest potential. They want us to put him in an ASD program class, which they’ve been suggesting for two years now. We carefully weighed the social experience he was getting vs his education and decided that the academic stuff could wait a bit until the social had a chance to catch up a little. Apparently, the social isn’t catching up at all. They told me that from their observations, Colt has no friends at all. The kids in his class are very kind to him and they all try to help and support him but even the boys who he really liked hanging around with last year have moved into a support role; there’s no give and take at all. Colt is not displaying any empathy whatsoever and is not interested in his peers in a reciprocal way in the least. They all want to help him along but no one talks to him or plays with him….not that they haven’t tried; Colt won’t do what others want him to do…he likes to call the shots and will choose no interaction over cooperating with others. He is not engaging with his peers this year. He has a desk to sit at with his peers but he refuses to sit there, choosing to use the back table for his work. They allow it because everything is a battle these days, with Colt. They can only argue with him over so many things.

Yesterday, he was asked to go get a pencil and he refused. The teacher stood off with him and tried to make him do what was asked, it was such a stupid, simple request, but Colt was stubborn as a bull. He refused. She pushed. He threatened to stab her with the scissors. He threatened to fucking stab her. I know he didn’t mean it but he’s not a little toddler anymore…he’s nearly 5 and a half feet tall and he weights nearly 100 pounds. It’s not something they can take lightly anymore. I don’t know why he would say that….I don’t know if he meant it. It scared the hell out of me though.
I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing this.

The school wants Colt in a placement program which will take away all of his external supports. He won’t be able to go to his sitter anymore (busing issues) … although we may consider it anyway. We have no family and Colt has no one in the world aside from Dayne, me and this family who has taken him in and loves him like one of their own. If he loses that, all the sacrifices we’ve made over the last five years are for nothing. We live in a shitty cottage on someone else’s property just so we can keep him with kids who care about him but now…if there’s no social connection all we’ve done is created 25 little babysitters who don’t mind helping a disabled kid. The things I thought he might gain are irrelevant. He is, by no fault of his own, destroying everything we’ve tried so hard to build for him.

I feel like we just found out he’s more broken than we ever realized. All these changes…him growing up and maturing…the end result is what? Now he refuses to cooperate on any level, threatens to stab teachers, alienates peers and is determined not to learn anything or be told what to do by anyone. It feels like my heart is tearing in two.

Of course, Dayne jumped all over the things that don’t matter. Stupid shit about buses and providing support on school trips. I’m not sure where he thinks the school will find the resources. Yes, it’s frustrating to hear they can’t help him due to budget issues but it’s a fucking fact and denying it over and over again does us no good. The psychologist told us that EA’s are most often pulled from students when they get to grade 6/7/8. He can’t function without his EA at all….in fact, right now she’s only his for the mornings and in the afternoons they can’t even get him to stay in the classroom, let alone engage in any work. Everything seems to be spiraling downwards.
We are seeing his psychiatrist next month. Will see what he recommends. If he needs to go to classes in the psychiatric institution, so be it. I want the kid to at least be able to sign his name or at least … idk…have the most basic skills available to him. At this rate, he’s not even going to be a candidate for a McDonalds job.

In short, things are worse than I thought they were.

That meeting, after the weeks I’ve been having, just took the wind right out of my sails. I feel so much like giving up. What is the point of all this if things will just end up so awful? I can’t deal with Dayne’s anxiety, Colt’s disability and my own fears about what his life will be like along with the mental and physical breakdown of my body. Seriously? What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this? What did Colt do? Dayne? Nothing. Shit luck. We’re a small collection of broken misfits and that’s all we’re going to get in life. Each other. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have them but I’m so tired. So god damned tired).

I want to cry but I can’t. I had to race back across town to get back to work so I don’t have to pull another 60 hour week (for 37.5 hours pay).

How am I going to get through all of this again? I have half a mind to run home, flush what’s left of my meds, get pregnant again so there’s at least one more person in the world for Colt to have in his life and let the pregnancy destroy what’s left of my body. Weird suicide fantasy isn’t it? Produce another child, possibly as doomed as my first, and then never go back to work again. I guess I could just lie down and not get up again. Not die….don’t want to leave Colt with anything less than the slim pickings he has. I’m in this for the long haul for him and I’ll stay in it until this world finally beats me and my body surrenders to whatever comes next. I kind of hope it’s nothing. The thought of black, cool, empty silence is like a lullaby to me.

I can take the pain of my bones disintegrating and my nerves being crushed and lit on fire. I can deal with headaches that make me throw up and cry uncontrollably that nothing seems to fix, regardless of how much I take. I will live with the ptsd, anxiety and depression that comes and goes from my world. I will deal with terrible nightmares every time I sleep, discomfort, pain and loss. I can take being alone in the world; having no family or friends to turn to. I can deal with feeling like I’m more fucked up than I ever wanted to admit. I’ll cope with having a disabled Dependant and a counterintuitive partner who disagrees with me on almost all points connected to our son. I’ll work harder than I should, push harder than I should, cope with more than I should even be capable of but holy fucking god WHY do I have to do all that and then have to watch my son suffer and struggle through what was supposed to be a gift. Life. Some days I wonder if I was meant to be here at all. I was born very premature…my body couldn’t cope and I had to be wired into life support to sustain life. If nature had taken its course, I would have died then, before I was ever starting to live.

I can’t help but wish my mother had been carrying me inside her womb when that motorcycle she was riding on flipped across the highway and took her life away. I can think of nothing more peaceful than hearing her heart slow and stop, from the inside. Mine would have followed within minutes and maybe then I would have been at peace. There is most certainly no peace in this life for me otherwise.

I’m running out of hope.

Missing but alive

I’ve been missing in action around here. I’ve been writing, a TON…but I don’t want to post what I wrote for a variety of reasons. One, much of it makes Dayne look like a jerk and I hate to do that to him, and two, it’s all over now and the stress of it doesn’t seem worth the effort to rehash it all. I think I’ll make a private post to get it all off my chest and out there. If you’d like to read it just shoot me an email and I will give you the password, as long as I’ve known you for a bit. ;)

So what’s new? Colt continues to struggle at school. Dayne continues to eff things up between the school and us causing a rift in our relationship with the teacher, already. Work continues to be exhaustingly busy, however, my bosses have been understanding and supportive and they are currently looking into allocating a few more hours to my job meaning I can get some help in for payroll and bill overtime when necessary. That little meeting with them settled a million and one fears in my brain so the stress relief was huge.

The pain is with me, as always. Right now the headaches are the worst symptom by far. They creep up on me and when they hit I cannot function around them. They leave me sitting in a dark room, sobbing, holding both the front and the back of my head while I rock back and forth, willing myself not to puke because the retching makes it even worse. When I cry, even for a moment, the headache flares up and gets me. When my neck hurts, my back hurts or my shoulders are sore, it gets me. Dayne has been giving me (very painful) massages to my skull that seems to help with the pain a little, but wow do they hurt. It feels like he’s bruising my brain….it’s strangely better than the regular pain though, or different at least. I don’t know anymore…everything hurts, every day and I’m losing track.

Dayne tells me over and over how he still finds me attractive at this new weight and with my new body shape. I believed him, mostly due to the sheer volume of his compliments. Then, one day a week ago, he handed me his iPad to show me some photos he took and what do I see? Naked women. Skinny, pretty, young looking naked women he’s been chatting with on video romps. He’s not the type to sneak around…neither of us are, so I’m not sure what he’s up to. He might be sleeping with them…might just be a distraction, I’m not sure. I also don’t know how I feel about it this time around. The last time this happened we were both off in our own little universes but this time I’ve been trying to focus on him and keep things good between us. I’m guessing it’s not working so well. Mind you, he’s stressed at work and his dad is back in his life…two things Dayne doesn’t cope well with. The issues with Colt are only compounding things and he’s even less able to control his emotions and reactions to them. More on that later…it’s too stressful to think of right now.

I’m feeling rather alone these days but it’s not very bothersome.

After a stressful couple of weeks I had a mini-PTSD flare up that took my head all over the place. Nightmares got bad and my thoughts were soon to follow. I day dreamed of running away from the world most hours I was awake and the moment I could, I’d go to sleep. That has left me with so many dreams rattling around, I’m now having issues remembering the difference between what actually happened and what I dreamed.

Last night and the night before I dreamed of my girl in the woods. I woke in her bed, in her arms, her hands tangled in my hair. I was so happy to see her when I opened my eyes I held my breath, not wanting her to wake. My heart pounded and it was so loud I was sure it would wake her but she slept on peacefully.

“I wish you would take me with you.” I whispered into the quiet of her room.

She moaned softly and pulled me closer to her; I buried my face in her neck and breathed her in. There was such a peaceful vibe in the room that the air seemed soft and fuzzy, sun-warmed and gentle. I silently wished the morning would go on forever.

Her dark eyes fluttered open and I smiled. She yawned and untangled her fingers from my hair, smoothing it back with her palm, touching my face with her fingertips.

Our tender moment was shattered, however, by the loud arrival of someone at the front door of the house. It was a friend I had once in high school who had grown to dislike me over the years. I wasn’t terribly fond of her either.

“Oh that’s Cassandra” said my girl. “She really doesn’t like you….you’d better get out of here.”

I jumped up and got dressed, pulling on clothes that were half mine, half hers, and opened her bedroom window to make my escape. I could hear Cassandra and my girl’s mother talking in the kitchen, just down the hall from her bedroom.

“I am going to keep her so busy she doesn’t even have a moment to think about Grainne.” Cassandra growled.

I took that as my cue to split. I hopped out the window just as the bedroom door opened and I heard my girl pretend that she had just awoken, alone in her room. Cassandra’s gruff voice carried all the way to the road where I stood, hiding in a small cluster of trees, and took out my phone, checking the time. I knew Dayne would be driving along the main road that morning and wanted to catch a lift to the mall for my shift.

I wrote my girl a text, told her I could smell her on the shirt I had thrown on and a deep sadness took hold of my heart for a moment. Every time I left her, I felt as if I’d never see her again.

******************************************

I find myself, through the day, wanting to be back there, in my dreams. I want to go looking for her again, find her somewhere, watch her from a distance, walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her, hang on for dear life. I just want to be closer to her than I am while awake. I count down hours until I can go back there, even though I know I have no control and it may be weeks or months before I dream of her again. I want to be on the city bus, heading to my mall job, living in my little downtown apartment with the huge department store beneath it.

The place I live now in dreams is pretty interesting. There’s a beautiful, open, sunny kitchen which I fill with live plants and flowers, a lovely sitting area with a TV and my computers…it’s a comfy place. The bedrooms back onto a long hallway with a half-windowed wall that looks down onto a public pool or rec centre of some sort. The elevators are forever dropping people off in my apartment, something I am constantly trying to stop.

Writing it is making the pull to go back so strong I can barely keep my eyes open. I want to be in that place, even the place where everyone is dead or dying, the world exploded and abandoned, rot and decay everywhere. I’d rather exist there, than here today, right now in this moment. The pain goes with me so there’s no relief there; just something tangible and very much needed.

Maybe I just want the peace of it all. Or familiarity? I want her love….or her attention. Maybe it’s just her presence. I wish I could find a way to bring her into my waking life.

Soooo. That’s where I’ve been. Asleep mostly, chasing an unknown woman through the woods, visiting old friends, working shifts at the mall. Maybe one day I’ll find something of this in real life. I just want to be happy. Damn it. :S Why is that too much to ask? Does anyone know?

Here we go again

And, of course, the moment things seem to settle down a little everything blows up.

Colt had a school trip to go on today. His teacher called me a few days ago expressing some concern about taking him because he is so defiant with her….refuses to follow instructions or comply and she wondered if he would pull the same behaviours on the trip. We prepped him and he was fine. Excited and ready to go. When they got there, not 45 minutes into the trip, they decided to go into a barn exhibit that had a live horse inside and Colt refused to set foot in there. They tried to force him and he snapped, was crying and very upset. The teacher called the principle who told her to call me. They wanted me to calm him down but she was using her cell phone and the reception here is so bad it kept cutting out. I tried to talk to him but he was wailing and couldn’t hear me…I just gave up and told her I would come get him. I called the sitter, made arrangements, called Dayne and then set out to pick him up across town so I could drive the hour round trip home and back.

Of course, when I called the Principal she told me that Colt had “head-butted” another student although the student wasn’t sure it was on purpose. The put ice on his head to be sure he was okay. Of course, Colt gets blamed. He tends to just take the blame rather than explain what really happened so they’re using that as confirmation that he hurt the kid. I don’t know if it’s true or not….I never fucking know.

So Dayne went to get Colt, since he was much closer, and talked to the teacher. Apparently, there were no strategies in place, no one was left to stand outside the barn with him while the kids went inside….would have been the smartest thing to do, and when he refused, the teacher called her boss who in turn told her to call me. There was no one there to help his teacher or him…it was just a battle of wills and it seems like she was waiting for it to happen.

I when Dayne and I talked he freaked out, demanding meetings and swearing about how they’re not supporting him the way they’re supposed to. He freaks and hammers the wrong points…”I want to see every stitch of paper work he did last year and make them prove to me that they followed his IEP! I want the last teacher held accountable for not helping him get his IEP completed…” and on and on. I try to present the other side to him so he can see both more clearly but he feels like I’m “taking their side” when that happens and he roars at me.

I called the principal who was snotty as usual. She told me she advised her teacher to take the whole class into consideration and ensure safety for all the kids. I understand that but it doesn’t mean that Colt should be left out or unsupported. There was no EA to help him because “there are more students who need help this year”. I didn’t ask if they all had IEP’s and were all allocated EA support because I know the answer….they use Colt’s support to make the rest of the difficult kids easier to cope with. He gets screwed thanks to that. First they refused to support him and now he’s having to share his EA, who we fought tooth and nail for, with everyone else…

I can’t take the anger and yelling from Dayne, dismissal from the school, amped up behaviour from Colt, and all the rest of the shit that’s going on. I’m way behind at work, very much overtaxed, in pain … I haven’t even managed to get my thumb properly looked at and it’s been months!! My back hurts, I have a headache, my neck and jaw are throbbing and the god damned phone rings constantly with demands for me to “do something” about Colt when they can’t do their own fucking jobs in the school.

I’m stressed. I want to cry but I’m holding on … barely. Mostly I just want to sleep. What is the point of all this guys? Why am I having to battle so hard just so my son can get the education he is entitled to? Why can’t I get on top of this pain or this job? What the hell is going wrong time after time after time??? Now I can’t focus, can’t think. My heart is racing and my mind is blank…I can feel myself slipping further away, avoiding all of this heartache. At least there’s that right? I can, at the very least, employ my mental health coping devices to keep me sane, as they were designed, I suppose.

I don’t want to go home tonight. I don’t want to stay here either. I want to run away from all of this so desperately.

What I really want is to go back to the job I had before this one. I worked from 7-3 (amazing hours) and although I was super busy, it was a simple job, staffing and scheduling a whole bunch of trauma nurses. I was in a clinical area, I loved the folks I worked with (and they loved me!), I had a great manager and the work was easy and fun. The only drawback, and I mean only, was the pay. It was a lot less than I used to make and much less than my current salary. I don’t think Dayne and I could afford to live with me making that little money. The stress was just so much less…. I could always pick Colt up and be there if he needed me because I was done at 3 in the afternoon…not like here where I’m working 7-5 most days.

Look, I realize my life isn’t the worst one out there but I am getting really fucking sick of never catching a break. I need a break from this….life. I wish I could check out for a month or two…if it wouldn’t ruin my entire life and the life of Dayne and Colt…I would do it in a heartbeat.

Three more hours to go and then I’m going home, getting Colt at the sitters and then I’m going to sleep on the couch until tomorrow. Maybe I’ll find more drive then. Somehow.

Under and out of control

I have notes and papers and stickies all over my desk right now and as I became instantly overwhelmed by the sheer mass of work to be done, I decided to regroup and write a quick blog to settle my brain.

I dreamed like crazy last night…all night it seemed. I only slept for about six hours so it can’t have been the marathon I recall, but it was intense. I was watching a documentary before I fell asleep on dreaming and some of the newer sleep studies they are doing now. I haven’t had studies done for over ten…wow…nearly 20 years so I guessed it was about time to have another look at where the technology is nowadays. One of the scientists involved in the particular study I was watching was working on the theory that there are two different types of dreams: REM dreams which happen in REM sleep, right at the beginning of your sleep cycle. (You reach REM sleep several times a night as your body goes through it’s sleep cycle) and non-REM dreams. The former heavily involves the amigdala which has a heavy hand in feeling emotions like fear, intense sadness, distress, loss, self-hatred and guilt. Because REM dreams are influenced heavily by that part of the brain, the dreams can be often negative in emotion, and intensely so. Non-REM dreams are influenced by the part of the brain that supports confidence, self-love, affection, compassion, empathy…..the difference is rather obvious. The theory was that people who suffer from depression might get ‘stuck’ in REM cycles causing an abundance of negative, frightening emotions to dominate their dreams whether they remember them or not. An over abundance of negative emotions is … well, depression, right? People who reach deep sleep more easily tend to have dreams where they are in control and feel powerful and healthy. An abundance of that sort of feeling….not depressed. Who knows how much merit it all has…..was an interesting theory though.

So, as for my REM cycles – they were rotten to me last night. I spent much of my time asleep dreaming that I was lying in a dark room, often with others, trying to sleep but could not. No matter what I did I couldn’t seem to keep my eyes closed. I was worrying about the upcoming day, not having any sleep and being super exhausted, and I tried as hard as I could to settle my brain. (hahaha..isn’t that funny? This is what I do while I’m sleeping! Try to sleep and shut my head up. *sigh*)

Colt had a good (ish) day yesterday. I didn’t get any phone calls (for the first school day so far) so that was kinda nice. He was happy when I picked him up and because he had a good day, Dayne lifted on of the restrictions he had in punishment for hitting that poor kid in the hallway the day before. Dayne took EVERYTHING away from the kid…trying to make a clear point, but it did leave him a little stir crazy without a way to chill out after school. Colt’s mind never stops…just like his mom. (sorry kiddo). He went to bed and to sleep before 9 and woke happy. That was a nice reprieve from the stress.

All I want, today, is to tell the front desk I’m going for coffee and just split, get into my car and drive in any direction for hours and hours….maybe until I can see an ocean somewhere. I’d get myself an ice cold Pepsi and sit out on the rocks watching the water forever….maybe even in the pouring rain. That would make me … unwind? Settle? Stop for a moment? I just want silence, peace and nature. I might just leave a few minutes early to go to my woods where I can lean against a 200 year old tree and look up up up into the canopy, little patches of blue between the foliage. It will just be getting a hint of fall-rust on the edges of it now…the canopy. I love it just before all the leaves burst into colour. I’m really excited to get some nice photos this fall. Would love to start today. Now. This moment.

Some good news though. I happened to be driving behind a car that was in an accident the other day. (that’s not the good part) It was a pretty bad one, resulting in one car being side swiped, one being t-boned and one spinning across the intersection in what seemed to be a lazy circle but I’m sure I was just seeing it in slow motion.

Now, I have some trauma in my past that contributed to my PTSD and was the star of many flashbacks for many years. It was a car accident involving only me, my passenger and another vehicle but he hit me at a dead-stop going 80 kmph. (50ish for you US folks). I was hurt and had to be cut out of my vehicle, my friend in the back seat was very nearly impaled by an ice skate that came through the back from the collapsed trunk. There was a woman in front of me who had two car seats in the back with small children in them….I could just see the blond curls peeking over the top edge of the seat on each side. The moment I saw the truck racing up behind me, I immediately cranked my wheel all the way to the left, aiming for the irrigation ditch without conscious though. After the car stopped bouncing and rolling along the ditch I was almost 15 car lengths away from where I started and all I could hear was the mother of those two babies wailing from the side of her car, screaming “Thank you! Oh my God thank you!” as she realized what had happened. She left her babies with another motorist who had stopped to help (we were all gridlocked in traffic anyway so no one had left the scene). She came flying over to my vehicle and pressed her hands against the shattered drivers side window, thanking me for not hitting her, for not hurting her infant twins. She said she had seen it all in slow motion and all she could think was that her babies were going to die. I was in shock at that point and couldn’t calm her from inside the car, then my friend began to shriek in terror as she realized the ice skate blade had broken her skin. I panicked there and started smashing my hands against the windows…trying to get out…then the next I remember is the sound of metal and glass ripping as the big metal jaws of life peeled my car open like a tin of sardines and I was lifted to safety by the big arms of a firefighter, who reminded me of an angel at that time.

So. As you can see, that moment had a huge impact on me and my psyche. My PTSD was undiagnosed at that point so the experience was just tossed into the closet where I kept all my bad memories, only to resurface when I was triggered by something like witnessing a car accident. Which I did just recently. This time, though, I freaked out only a little, found a way to calm myself and halt the snow-ball reaction I’m so used to facing and held my cool. I got to work and worked all day, told Dayne about what had happened and the worst that happened was a momentary flash of terror, a super quick movie-reel flashback in my head (without dissociating at all) and a little bit of rationalization.

I feel like I have this PTSD demon under control, finally. The knowledge and power in understanding what drives my fear has allowed me to heal…therapy is fully responsible for this, by the way. I feel like I can do anything now and not fall to pieces, terrified and panicked. I feel strong and secure and wiser than I’ve ever felt. It’s amazing.

Of course, the pain I’m in started all of this….pushed the mental issues right out of my head. What my crazy brain was spinning just didn’t matter as much as the pain my body was in and it stayed that way…eventually, my brain sorted out the needless anxiety and sadness and has put it somewhere else. Somewhere it doesn’t bother me. I’m not sure that this isn’t some sort of denial or dissociation inside me, but if I can live anxiety and depression free? I’m totally in.

Wow. That was a mixed bag of random thoughts. I have so much going on inside me at once these days….

Life

I am so full of….*haha* don’t you dare….emotional turmoil. I have been so busy at work, and I mean work ten hour days with no breaks busy, I’ve not been able to jot down anything, not even a patchwork draft to post. By the end of the day I have several dozen small thoughts that do not connect to the next by any stretch of the imagination, so, I’ve scrapped it all and I’m starting again.

School. Wow. I swear to God, I thought things would get easier as Colt got older. I was so, horribly, ass-backwards wrong I can’t even wrap my head around it. This year has consisted of all of five days so far and I’ve had to deal with 8 phone calls from the school. EIGHT. My cell phone, office phone, email…these people are on me constantly and it’s mostly for things I can’t do a damn thing about from my freaking office. I mean, how am I supposed to force Colt to listen to them from here? I can ask him to, tell him to, threaten grounding, beg him to….it doesn’t really matter if he’s already decided not to. The only thing that might work is if I were to burst into tears and make him feel guilty but I refuse to do that to him. Guilt is not the way to raise a healthy child (and if I’m wrong, I don’t care. My childhood was so full of guilt I can’t even stomach the thought of Colt feeling the way I did).

So. He cannot seem to settle in. Colt does not want to do his classwork, does not want to participate in the smart board lessons (they have smart boards in all the elementary schools here now…they’re amazing. Huge white touch screen in place of a blackboard and all the kids can participate!) Colt doesn’t want to go to french, music or science. He doesn’t like it when teachers change (for those subjects) and doesn’t generally do very well on the playground. This year, thanks to me demanding and pleading for YEARS for this to happen, they’ve made him a “Kindergarten Peace Keeper” and he gets to wear a vest and patrols the jr. side of the playground, keeping kids in line. He tells me about how he stops little ones from throwing rocks and spitting at each other. I think that will help him very much, in the end, if he can keep it up.

So yesterday he was in line, leaving science and going to his homeroom, when he decided he wanted to be first in line. No one would let him ‘butt in’ so he reacted by randomly choosing a kid nearby and socked him. … *sigh* The school called and put him on the line with me.

“Hey babes, what’s going on?” I asked.

“Uh…Hi mom. It’s just that, I mean I wanted to be first and the kids wouldn’t let me and I got really frustrated and then I hit Emmett.”

“Why did you hit Emmett?! Was he bothering you?” I hoped there was some reason other than the one he gave.

“Uhh, no. I just hit him to be mean.” Was his answer.

Well….what the hell am I supposed to do with that?! He knows why he behaved the way he did, he knows it’s wrong, that he’ll get in trouble, that the office will be called and that they will call me. He is well aware that he cannot hit people….he’s been hearing it since he was two. There’s a lot I can do to help him but when he breaks the rules just for fun? What the heck am I to do?

I called Dayne, who instantly flipped on the school.

“That’s it Grainne, Make a meeting with the principal, we’re going in there and we’re going to fucking demand that they give him more help…..” I cut him off here….

“Dayne, stop. I’m not about to go demand the school hold his hands at all times to make sure he doesn’t hit anyone in line.”

I was too tired, suddenly, to argue more. I told him that he can deal with the school from now on if he’s unhappy with my ways and that I can’t fucking deal with the stress of having them call me eight times in one fucking week and then have to fight with him over what was discussed each time. I told him that I couldn’t spend the energy on all of this if Colt was just going to sabotage all the hard work and he was going to scream at me about the outcomes. He stopped. Said we’d talk at home. Said he’d pick Colt up too…since I needed to work late.

I’ve been in early for most mornings last week and stayed late every minute I could and I’m still behind here. That just adds to the bouquet of stress that has become my life these days.

Anyway. Got home, Dayne was yelling at Colt. He grounded him, made it very clear that we’re not putting up with this crap this year, told him that if he got suspended again we were going to work him like Cinderella doing chores and cleaning the house. Dayne said if we took toys away from him this time, in punishment, they were being given away to someone and would not be coming back, ever. This seemed to register for Colt. I hope so anyway. He wrote an apology letter, wrote some lines (he hates writing period…great punishment from the old days) and cleaned his room. He had no toys or ipad/pod last night and went to bed at 830, which coincidentally worked out as he slept the whole night and was well rested this morning.

What do I do when this doesn’t work though guys? I have a hard time with the yelling and anger, for obvious reasons. I lay down last night after talking to Colt and helping with his apology letter and cried for a while. It pissed Dayne off so I got into the shower. I don’t want him feeling like he has to hold the whole lot of us up all the time, but wow, did it ever feel hopeless for a while.

I went to sleep and dreamed of laundry and showers and unending exhaustion that never lets up. In my dreams I was lying awake in a dark room trying desperately to sleep. I was so tired, in my dreams. That’s a frustrating feeling…..let me tell you.

As for me. Shit hurts. My thumb gets better and worse because I can’t keep it splinted all the time. It’s better though, overall. My head and neck and pretty much everything below that point is half flared up…I’m in pain but not in agony, all the time. I don’t even bother taking extra meds anymore…just suffer through it. When I take an extra I end up so tired the next day I literally cannot stay awake. Not possible when working a job as busy as this one is.

Lots of stress. I hope, I wish….heck, I’ll even pray that this all gets better for Colt. It makes me want to throw up when I think of him losing all we’ve built. He has no idea how lucky he is or how good he has it at that school …. all those kids looking out for him and wanting to help him. :( I hope it doesn’t get wasted. I hope he can find some peace and happiness. I hope …. *sigh* I dunno anymore. I’m tired guys. Lonely, tired, in pain, exhausted physically and emotionally….and still hanging in there. I feel like all I do is move from one stressful situation to the next; whatever demands the most attention gets it; and then, in the end, all I do is sleep and dream of more stress.

I think my mind hates me, along with my body today.

We soldier on

This is one day late. New stuff to share later (better news than this!)

Well….it went okay. Colt’s first day back is more successful than failure so we’re holding steady. I did get the call from the school at around 2:30 yesterday. Colt was tired and wanted to go home…apparently he wanted to call and ask me if I would come get him. We chatted for a few minutes and I encouraged him to fight through the last 45 minutes of his day, which he agreed to do.

They are already suggesting that he only do half days this year. … I allowed that to happen when he was in Kindergarten because I figured it would help him adjust….I certainly wouldn’t consider it now. She even said on the phone, directly beforehand, that Colt is not performing anywhere near his capacity and that most of the trouble is in the refusals. Then she thinks cutting his time to half days would help? Help who?! Firstly, Dayne and I both work full time and a round trip drive would take us more than an hour each day since we work in a different city from where we live. Second, we would have to pay someone to watch him and the one sitter we have cannot drive to pick him up because she has several little ones she cares for through the school day when the older ones are at school. Third….just…no!!! Screw you people. It took me years of fighting and meeting and begging and pleading and threatening lawsuits to get an Educational Assistant in to help him for the morning half of each school day and now you’re saying he can’t handle the second half of the day on his own so he should just go home? For real? Gah!! Why is this always such a fucking battle with these people?!?

So. I’m awaiting my second call on day two. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the Principal this time. She is also an advocate for reducing his school days. First, they tried to ignore him and deny him help, then, when Dayne and I wouldn’t shut up they relented and gave him partial help. The they tried (for two years) to fob him off into an ‘asd class’ where they stuff all the autistic kids into little office cubical to do their work for rewards as if they are all trick ponys. I’d not have been shocked to see a training clicker and a bag of gummy bears in one of the teacher’s hands. The kids were like zombies there…no one reacting, no one smiling or laughing. It’s a hell of a tough school (metal detectors at the doors because they have trouble with junior kids bringing weapons to school….9-12 year olds. *Shakes head* They keep the ASD kids fully segregated and it just looked miserable. We went for two tours at the schools they have the programs in but neither Dayne nor I felt it was right. Now, because he hasn’t been transfered over there, they start with the half day bullshit.

Of course, when I tried to have a conversation with Dayne about this he jumped directly into the fire and was ablaze with panic instantly. We argued a bit, I told him I didn’t have the energy to fight along with coping with the rest and we let it go. We’ve not come together on anything yet though….will have to do so in coming weeks. We know we must work as a team to get anything resolved with this school board. It’s appalling.

My head hurts guys. I have a ton of work to do as well…month end/new month beginning is a shitty time for me at work. Tons of audits and payroll investigations…makes me feel weak in the brain when I don’t take a break every few hours. ha. Ah well. Still decent work and I’m happy here.

Well. On with it then. I hope today Colt has a great day and my phone surprises me by not ringing once!

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