Alrighty. I did the online personality screening for that external company who called me within minutes of applying for their advertised position. I hit enter and not ten minutes passed before their HR called me and asked for an interview. They’re pulling schedules together and will me know when early next week.
Then my phone rang again One of the medical secretary jobs I applied for (bit of a salary cut but full benefits and I keep my seniority and pension) wants to meet me on Monday. The physician is not a surgeon (bonus!) and I actually know him from years ago when I worked for a clinic in the same department. It’s at my favourite campus (not this shitty crumbling building) and I’m well versed in the lingo of that field as I used to do dicta typing for three of the same specialists. Yay! D was SO happy to hear that…even with the lower salary. I’m excited.
There’s still that year temp coverage that I applied for. I know I’ll be interviewed for that position as it’s a level 2 and I’m currently in the same role, only level 3. I know the woman I’d be supporting from various committees over the years and she’s dedicated, kind and very smart. It’s in the Children’s Hospital too which is such a bonus for me. I’d love to work there…at least most of the peds I know are kind to their patients and think more about their health than the paycheck they’ll get. That said, I’m not sure what they will do with my benefits and pension if it’s a temp full-time job. Will interview for both and see what happens!
I think I’ll interview at the external place too. Can’t hurt right? Their salary projection is lower than the doc’s office though. It all depends on where I feel I fit best this time…not just about the money.
D just called me with some great news from his job too. We’re all having a great Friday it seems! Hooray!!
I’m off to get myself some lunch. D and I are going to treat Colt tonight to pizza and arcade games at a local place. They have bowling, pool, a full on arcade and a restaurant. It’s like Chuck E Cheese but for grown ups too! Colt will love it. I was told to stop and get a lot of quarters. *giggles*
SO fuck the pain. I’m having a good day despite it.
*I’m trying, hard, not to complain. I don’t want this to be another long whining post about pain…but dear me, I am suffering today.
Yesterday wasn’t too bad until I got home and sat down on my comfy chair, heating blanket on high. The warmth penetrated my skin and hit my bones…usually, that creates a tiny sliver of relief however, last night? Agony.
You see, this drop foot is still going (from my fall down the stairs earlier this week? Last week? Time is kind of all swirling together on me today) and it’s getting worse. Just in case you missed that post and you don’t know what a drop foot is: FOOT DROP – Wikipedia . I was rushing around yesterday morning, as D had to leave early for work and I was left to get both Colt and I ready (D is the functional one in the AM so he usually gets Colt ready to go while I drag my arse around trying to get dressed). I got his breakfast made, my shower in, my clothes half on, his clothes ready and then I realized I had forgotten underwear for him and turned to rush back upstairs to grab a pair. Directly in front of me was a plastic desk chair with metal legs and although I saw it, my foot/leg didn’t quite respond as I had asked it to and instead of weaving around the metal leg, my foot smashed directly into it. The metal is round so it went between my 3rd and 4th toe and I was right convinced I had broken them all when the pain it. I actually cried like a five-year old with a scraped knee it hurt so much.
I went on with life and, forgetting I have a super high tolerance for pain AND take a fair amount of narcotic pain killers daily, I didn’t even check to see if there was swelling. Last night, I got home and was sore…achey. My bones hurt but the weather is warming slightly and that always triggers pain. I lazed around a while then decided to get my PJ’s on and read curled up in my chair for a bit. I got my shirt off fine but when I tried to take my pants off my leg just screamed in pain. My sciatic nerve felt like someone had strummed it with their fingers and the pain bounced from my butt to my foot. My hip also groaned in protest and my toes fired up, curling forward with pain, causing delightful foot and calf cramps. Once I got that under control I figured I’d better check on my foot. It was hard to do. My left leg is still sore from the fall down the stairs and this was my right. I pulled my sock off and froze. My toes were various shades of red, black, blue and purple and two of them were about three times their normal size. D saw it from across the room and nearly demanded I go get an x-ray immediately, but, I’ve broken toes before this way and we both know they can’t do anything about it. I said I’d stop and get some tape on my way home tonight and would go in on the weekend if it got worse or didn’t change.
So. My right foot is not happy with me. Black and blue toes, messed up ankle, random calf cramps and a burning, stinging pain all along my sciatic nerve. My hip got a jolt so that’s aching too. My left leg is still recovering from the slam down the stairs and my left ankle is so painful today I can’t really move it. I do have joint pain, in all of my joints, quite often. No one has ever bothered to figure that bit out for me and I dropped it long ago realizing I had to slim down my symptom list if I wanted to get a doc to listen to me. My shoulders are locked up tight as is my neck and there’s limited blood flow to my brain which is causing near-crippling headaches. Just to get to work today I took six Advil migraine, two targin (narcotic), two muscle relaxers and two Tylenol, just for kicks. My neck feels like a bag of broken marbles, shards of glass all mixed up between. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to breathe. Standing is really hard but sitting hurts more (Sciatica. I fucking hate those nerves, let me tell you). But, here I am at the office. At least it’s friday eh?
Colt is a happy boy. He’s having a PA day today and March Break is next week for our little ones. He woke singing and danced down the stairs.
“GOOD MORNING MY DARLING MOTHER!” He sang out as he passed me on the way to the bathroom.
He was very sweet about it though. As he was munching his breakfast I was applying a bit of make up to make myself look like I’m alive, he looked at me with concern.
“Mom? You don’t get PA days do you?”
“Nope. Mom gets stuck working all the time!” I pouted.
He got up and came to me, draped his arms around my shoulders from behind and nuzzled into my shoulder.
“Oh mom. I can call your boss and ask for you if you like?”
“Ahh thank you sweetheart, but PA days are just for kids. I had plenty when I was little.”
I felt him smile against me, he thinks it’s hilarious that D and I used to be kids.
“Well then, you will just have to keep remembering that it’s Friday, and I love you.” He offered.
It made me ridiculously happy. He’s such a sweet, thoughtful little guy. Ooh! Brings to mind another moment from last night.
D and I were talking in the kitchen about jobs and such. He wants me to try to stay in the hospital and I was just about to take an interview for an outside company. We argued a touch…I mentioned disability and he went bananas. He will not allow me to think about that…he sees it as giving up. I see it as a possible way to survive a few extra years without being crippled by pain and stress. I just got up and walked away. He followed a few minutes later apologizing. I explained my point, he nodded sympathetically. I also told him how much of a failure I feel like. I told him I was feeling a lot of pressure to work myself to death, literally, just so I can half support us. I reminded him of when he told me he “wasn’t going to live with someone on disability. He hadn’t signed up for that life…yada yada yada.” His eyes teared over and he said sorry. Mine started to drip too and I told him I loved him. Colt was in the room playing with some trains and turned to look at me.
“Why are you sad mom?” He asked so calmly. He usually gets very wound up when someone he cares for is upset around him.
“I just feel really bad baby. I feel sad because I have to sleep all the time and I miss you a lot.” I managed.
Colt came over and sat on my couch and wrapped his arms around me.
“Oh mom, it’s okay! Sometimes you’re really sore and you have to sleep to rest your bones.” Then he whispered in my ear: “You know we care about you right? Not the money…just you.”
*mind blows up* Well then. Sometimes it’s so surprising, what info he has captured and understood. I don’t hide things from him ever (we discuss adult and relationship issues away from him, of course, but I never hide my pain. I can’t lie to him..won’t. He sees too much). He was very mature about it all, calm, collected, and just wanted to help me stop crying. I forced a stop immediately for him and he went back to playing with his trains, mission completed.
How lucky am I to have this little soul in my life? Both of them really.
So. Pain aside, today is a wonderful day, not a miserable one. D’s enjoying his new job, Colt is happily playing with his friends at his sitters house (I love her so. She made me muffins. mmmm) and its friday. Could be so much worse.
I’ve submitted applications everywhere..even places that I can’t really afford to take. I mean, there’s a HUGE difference in what people are paying inside and outside of the hospital. Today, I nearly applied for one that was more than half my current wage. I actually think I could make more money working in a coffee shop. How demeaning. My education was bloody expensive…
I’m kind of panicking here. I just went through and made notes in my phone calendar of what jobs I’ve applied for and when. I have 15 out in various places that might be accepted…the rest I’m not counting as I didn’t have all of the qualifications required. Here, they say to ‘go ahead and apply’ and then note that the requirements are firm. :S Well…what’s the point then? An HR recruiter will read it, put it in a ‘no’ pile and that’s that.
So. Of the 15, there are only 2 that are comparable to my wage although most have benefits for medication which is having to take the place of money right now. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this stuff. I still don’t know what we’re going to do…but the pressure is on. I do still have three months but I’m terrified that they will fly by like this one did and Ill end up with nothing. I mean, I’ve only been called for one interview and I had to set it up myself with the physician.
I have three projects to work on here but I can’t focus. All I can hear is my coworkers talking about my work…which is now not my work and it’s so hard to hear. Everyone seems to have moved on…they don’t really care about me or what’s going on but it’s no huge surprise..they never did. Obviously right on up to the director.
There are three people here who started after me. Two of them were found ‘jobs’ when their role became unnecessary but not me. There was a part-time gal here for ages who was paid a very high salary to sit around and do dick-all while she wrote her thesis. She stayed on until she got a full-time teaching job…we had a little going away party for her. I knew this was coming though, in retrospect. My role changed and I wasn’t given any tasks to pick up. I asked multiple times, also asked for help multiple times…and, here I am. Why am I so worthless to these people?
I worked while so sick I could barely function. I know that’s no gift to them but I did a good job and didn’t take advantage of the things I could have…should have, I guess. I should have gone on leave while I was able. Would have been better than this.
This place is depressing. It’s hot, no one even bothers to say hello to me anymore and I just sit here, job hunting and picking at their crap office work as I wait for the day to pass, checking the job boards three million times a day. One came up today I was hopeful for and I think I applied within 2 minutes of it posting. Desperate? Oh yeah.
This sucks. Every moment of it. :( I feel so unappreciated and worthless. It’s really really hard to stay positive in a place like this. I wish…I don’t know. I just wish it was over. The last one I applied for is only temp for a year but at least I can apply for other things there. Not ideal, but will do. Fingers crossed … or whatever. :(
Two hours sleep last night. My back/neck/spine was so sore I felt like I was sleeping on a mattress stuffed with glass marbles..poky, sore to lie on, no way to shift to get comfortable. The consequence is that I barely slept. I kept waking up with an entire limb dead white/gray and completely numb. My feet burn like they’re on fire at night after I’ve been on them all day. Nothing takes that heat away…not even soaking them in cool water. If I can convince D to squeeze all the blood from them it helps a little, short-term, but not much. In the morning, after lying down all night, my hands and feet are bloodless. I’ll wake to that stage beyond pins and needles that will wake you from a deep slumber with a jerk.
Anyway. Not much sleep for Grainne and I’m soooo tired. I’m about 11 hours shy of what I needed to feel rested. Now, in this hot, stuffy, miserably quiet office I’m starting to doze off while typing this. My eyes go all out of focus and if I stare too long the words and the lids start drooping. One blink, two blinks, three….and that one sticks for a moment and I feel myself slipping away as I jerk to attention again.
I’m overheating a little even with the window open (it’s so nice outside today……)
OOHHH! Ohhh crap. :( I get it now. :S
Last winter it was warmish (still cold but nothing like this winter) and wet. It rained so much that we flooded several times. The warmish, wet weather was hell on my bones. I got through last winter by telling myself that I’d feel so much better in the spring and summer. Wrong. BUZZZZZZ. Dead wrong. The spring and summer arrived and I was worse than ever. *sigh*
I suffered through to get to summer, then suffered through to get to fall, now suffering through this biting cold winter aaaaand here comes spring again and I’m in pain. I think I’ll just stop equating my physical state with the seasons since it all seems bad.
Yeah, this pain is familiar now. Aching, stinging pull of overstretched tendons and rock solid neck muscles. Excellent…nerves feel trapped everywhere.
I got another really nice email from one of the senior consultants in HR today. I reached out to him to let him know I was needing work and was on layoff notice and he responded immediately, asking for a copy of my resume. He’s going to put the word out for me…see what he can dig up. He’s a great guy…I hope he digs something up for me. (I’ll buy him coffee for a year if he does! Lol) He was ‘shocked’ about the news too, as almost everyone seems to be. More confirmation that my reputation is untarnished and people think I do a really great job of things here. Makes me feel so much better…every little bit counts. :)
Okay. Onto the second can of Pepsi for the day. Sugar, caffeine and bubbles. Lol…who needs more?! (maybe a shot of rum or something…hmmm).
Right. It’s nearly noon. Four hours of this misery to go.
Blah. Tired today.
I got up early because Colt woke at 530 ish and started playing in his room. One of the more typical autistic traits he has is a need to constantly repeat lines from movies or television shows, particularly if he finds them funny. Recently, he came across a commercial on YouTube for Cocoa Pebbles and just about fell of his chair laughing.
“Barrrrrrrney! You ate my Cocoa Pebbles!”
Those two lines are his most favourite. Last night from the time we got home until he fell asleep this was on constant repeat. It’s annoying, to say the least when someone hollers one word over and over and you can hear it from any room in the house.
*twitch* after the third straight hour I gathered up my best mommy voice and told him to please move onto a new line sometime soon.
“OOOH!” Said Colt with a dramatic pout.
“Fine. Five more times then…”
*GRINS* ”WILLLLLLLLLLLLLLMAAAAAAAAAAA!” he began with renewed enthusiasm.
It is slightly better than some others he’s fixated on, in truth. I just think my tolerance for yelling was all eaten up in his first two years when he never stopped screaming. Sorry kid…you’re allotment is up until you’re 30. lol