Narrow Scope

You know what makes me angry? Well, okay, let’s be fair, not really “ANGRY” but annoyed? I’m sitting here overhearing a conversation between a coworker and her husband on the phone (I can’t help it, she’s right beside me in the kitchen). She is telling her hubs that she’s worried about their daughter who is struggling with raising her two young kids.

“I just keep telling her it’s not forever.” My coworker says. “I can’t do much more for her. I made dinner and took it over four nights last week, cleaned her house and did her laundry on my day off while I watched the peanuts (her loving term for her grand-babies) and I’ve babysat for them five nights out of seven. Can we maybe take the kids for the weekend for her? She’s and *husband* are so stressed out and she calls me in tears nearly every day.”

Hmm. Okay. I get this….I know raising kids is not easy but holy hell, with that amount of help she should be able to at least take care of her own two kids! No one ever helped us…not once. The sitter we have now (who is an angel on earth, let me tell you) is the only person who has ever watched Colt after hours and it was a total of twice in his lifetime. Dayne and I have been out together alone maybe once…twice, possibly, in ten years. No one took him when he was a baby and screamed all the time…

Oh wait. There was a woman I used to work with..Nancy. She came to my house in those first months and took Colt from me…told me to go have a long, hot bath and read a book for a few hours while she took him for a nice long walk in the fresh air. (That just brought tears to my eyes – remembering that. What a wonderful woman she was. I’m going to have to look her up and let her know how much that meant to me.).

I know I’m being a bit judgmental here but the woman has her mom coming over to clean her laundry?!?! I’d pay a fair amount of money to get someone to do that for me. lol. How can someone not adore spending time with their little ones? I know it can be difficult at times; I know kids are exhausting and I know it can feel impossible, but this woman has two healthy, happy little ones who are growing and learning and blossoming into perfect little people. They don’t scream all the time or freak out when they go to Walmart or when things get out of place. They don’t break down because their socks aren’t flat on their feet and they don’t break her heart daily with their struggles. They have friends, go to birthday parties and have fun with their peers. One of them is in school and just got skipped ahead, she’s such a smart little girl. Pardon my French, but fuck you lady. You have nothing to complain about.

(Okay that was my judgmental little rant for the day. I know everyone’s situation is unique and I shouldn’t say these things but come on!! I’m going to see if this coworker of mine would like to adopt me. If Colt had one grandparent who wanted to love him, I’d be over the moon with happiness. Out of the four living ones, not one bothers to even send a card for his birthday).

*Sigh* People.

Out of my system, on with the day. :)

Happiest Boy

Colt had a great birthday! One of the best he’s had in his life, he told us over and over :) I have never had so much fun spoiling him with gifts and pizza and ice cream cake…he loved every moment. He even let us put up balloons and streamers, wanted to wear party hats…we actually got to celebrate his life, our precious boy. D and I couldn’t have had more fun either….it was magical. Every tiny thing we see as he grows and expands his world mean the world to us.

Oh and, I’ve decided to stop with the initials…it gets annoying having to monitor myself so much. I’m just going to use the full version of D’s name since no one knows him by that…so, for blog purposes, you will know him as Dayne.

I finally made my xray appointment for Friday morning so I can get my hand looked at. I’m fully expecting what’s always happened…”We see nothing wrong with your hand except for arthritic joints”. I guess it’s a good thing to have it on record but feels like such a waste of my time. Dayne is worried it’s something else but I’ll bet anything that no matter what’s going on, they won’t be able to do anything about it except give me more pain meds, which I can’t take and work full time. *sigh* I do need to check into it though…I can’t even hold slice of pizza with my left hand anymore. (Thank God it’s my left hand. I’m a tad worried about having to have surgery to fix whatever is messed up in there…how will I type while recovering? (I’m teaching myself to manage with one hand typing now to prepare, just in case).

Have a great Wednesday my friends. xx

A brilliant sun rise on a special day

It’s Colt’s 10th Birthday today. TEN. Ten YEARS…holy smokes does time ever fly. Last night while I wrapped his presents D blew up balloons and hung streamers. We did this for him last year and he told me he was looking forward to it again…so of course we complied! He’s never liked a fuss made over him but this year he really seems to be enjoying it :) D and I woke him together, softly singing Happy Birthday and he opened his eyes with a grin.

“I can’t believe it! I’m double digits!!” he cried.

God I love that boy more than life.

He and I had a nice cuddle on the couch while we watched the sun come up and he listened patiently while I told him the story of our first morning together, which I’ve told many, many times. Colt and I started our first day together sitting in a very quiet room in the hospital next to the window. We watched the sun rise together, he and I, and it was peaceful and exciting both. He hadn’t quite started his 2-year scream fest so I had a moment to stare at the lovely little being I had created magically inside me. I loved him, even then.

We’re having pizza and ice cream cake for dinner and I have to figure out how to craft a ‘party hat’ out of napkins. He saw something online that made him want party hats…lol. I was going to hit the dollar store on the way home but I want to be as early as I can be so he gets his presents ASAP. He’s so excited. I loooooooove buying him gifts he adores….Birthdays aren’t quite as grand as Christmas but they are my second favourite by far.

I’m so proud of Colt. I’m proud of his strength and courage, his adaptability and willingness to change, grow, expand. I’m proud of his effort to be and do good in the world.

This morning when he came down the stairs and saw all the balloons and party decorations he gave us a lovely gift. It’s very cool when you get to see some of your own efforts to be a good parent reflected in your child.

“Mom, Dad, please come here and listen to me.” he said, very serious like. “I want you to know how much this means to me and that you did a very good job decorating the house. You should both be very proud of yourselves for doing such a nice thing for me. Give yourselves a hand!” and then we clapped.

What a wonderful morning that was. Makes me remember how very lucky I am to have this boy in my world. I can’t imagine life without him….wouldn’t want to! He has brought so much love and light into our lives…I am humbled and filled with happiness that this child is a part of my heart.

Happy Birthday sweetest of all the sweet peas. I love you from your toes to the top of your head. Thanks for watching the sun rises with me and for all the memories in between. xox

Autism, growing up and my broken heart

A day I’ve been dreading since the day my Colt was born has finally arrived.

Last night before bed Colt was suddenly in a terrible mood. He had been playing a game, happy enough until he was told it was time for his shower. Immediately he turned sour and adversarial.

“Colt, it’s time for your bath babe.” I said.

“No.”

“Come on, no argument. Just go have a quick one and get it over with.” and off he went, but grumbling all the way.

When he was done he came to my side and asked for a hug. Hugs with Colt are not very common and when he does give them out they are usually brief. One time in his life before last night, he climbed into my arms. He was three and had pneumonia. He crawled across the living room floor to me and curled into my lap like a kitten, feeling so sick. And then last night…

He was still being snarky and miserable, contradicting everything I said with a negative answer. I ignored it and held him tighter, told him I loved him each time he opened his mouth and he didn’t pull away or push me back, he just lay with his head on my shoulder, griping from there. We sat like that for maybe ten minutes (D had stopped to watch it was such a rare occasion) and then Colt explained something to me that I didn’t know he felt so clearly. He has *never* in his life offered such clear and personal information so it was a stunning moment; one I found myself rather ill prepared for.

“Do you like me?” he asked in a small voice.

“I like you very much, in fact, I love you!” I replied.

“Some people don’t like me, you know?”

“Really? Who doesn’t like you sweetheart?”

“Arlen from school” was his answer. “He doesn’t like me and that’s why I was swearing so much at recess last year.”

*Stunned silence on my part. D’s jaw hit the floor.*

I found myself completely unequipped to deal with what was said. I’m calm, rational, and direct with Colt and almost always have an answer to his questions or concerns. This one though….it was so honest and clearly expressed….it was wonderful, but heartbreaking at the same time. No one wants to see their kid hurting and trying to deal with unpleasant people in their world.

“Does it made you sad that Arlen doesn’t like you?” I tried but it was the wrong approach and he got all defensive and didn’t want to talk anymore.

I immediately stopped and just cuddled him. I told him it hurts me when people don’t like me as well but said I learned that the only people who really matter in life are those who love you, not the ones who hate you. It was short and sweet and he listened but didn’t respond.

Minutes passed and he was still attached to me. “Daddy and I will always be here for you Colt. Always. We will always love you exactly as you are.” I said it hoping he understood. I didn’t ask though, just kept cuddling and telling him he was very, very loved in our little family.

So there it is. He now definitely understands what’s going on. He knows that he is different, he knows that he can’t change that no matter how he tries and he knows the pain of being judged by people. I know we just go on from here. We will talk to him this weekend a lot…come up with a game plan so D and I can tackle the school system again, as we have to do every year to set things up to keep Colt moving forward. This Arlen kid is in his class this year along with another kid who used to call him a “retard” and told him all the time that he didn’t belong there at the school. This little shit is the one I was worried about, not Arlen. I wish he had been able to express this earlier… Poor guy. :( He’s been struggling with this a long time, I think.

So my heart is aching for my little boy who is trying to cope with the world around him. I want so badly to take this away from him. I want to be able to fix it. I was never able to fix anything that hurt him and the feeling is so dibilitating and helpless. My ten year old has already well learned that no matter how we love him, we can’t make his world much better than we already do, his dad and I. It’s so unfair. I’d give anything to be able to help. All I can do is love him and that just doesn’t seem like enough.

Sad day here. I’m happy that he talked to me, if only very briefly. I’m thrilled that he was able to put that together but then saddened again when I think he must have known this last year and he chose not to say anything. He would swear, we would ask why and he’d not answer at all. We assumed he couldn’t articulate it. We assumed wrong. Again. This parenting shit is tough. I love this kid so damn much.

Ah well. It’s Friday. I’m going to try to fill his weekend with happiness, as much as I can. It will make us both feel a little better and a little is better than not. Right?

My spine hates yoga (taking it one day at a time)

Last night I did my yoga workout for the second day in a row. I’m rather proud of myself (I know, how lame…lol. Two days is a victory for me!). I have done yoga in the past and I wasn’t surprised to find it much, much harder now. The added weight along with the years of not really getting enough exercise have made things difficult but I know it will get better the more I do it. The trouble is that yoga of any type (stretching really) causes my neck to flare up terribly. Two days in and I was a mess last night…burning pain through my neck and shoulders even though I didn’t stretch my neck at all and was very careful with my upper body. I’m modifying the poses to ensure I don’t put much pressure on the really weak parts of my spine. I’m doing a waist/leg focus workout too so it shouldn’t have affected my neck so badly, or at least I didn’t expect it to.

So I didn’t sleep well. I woke with a screaming headache every few moments (it seemed) and it got so bad early this morning I woke seeing double. The other weird symptom was that my thumb was killing me and when I massaged it a bit I realized that it was hyper-extended backwards (the opposite direction to the one that causes pain). That’s a bit weird. Today I’m sore as hell…not in a good way either. My muscles are fine but my bones are not. I’m not sure what to do about that. Muscle relaxers don’t help bones. Narcotics don’t seem to help either….nor does advil, of course. Feels a bit hopeless, this, but I’ll keep at it for a few weeks to see if it dimishes. Not much else I can do. I’m in pain anyway so I might as well get some exercise right? It’s just really hard to do something that is supposed to be good for you when you know it’s going to make your life hell for the next few days. (Hmm maybe I’ll switch to an every other day schedule. Might be less taxing on my bones).

School is getting close to starting again and Colt’s anxiety is up. D and I had a great chat the other day about his anxiety. D was always a “MY son will not be medicated” sort of dad until the last year or so when he was forced to see exactly how much Colt struggles without help in some things. Anxiety is big one and, strangely, he seems to have the same reactions I did as a child. Interesting because I figured my anxiety was caused by the abuse. Strange, seeing yourself in others. I’ve never had the experience prior to Colt coming into my life.

The anxiety in Colt is manifesting as grumpy defiance. He will say “NO” instantly before doing as he is told, even if he has every intention of doing it. He’s pushing and trying to stretch boundaries…normal for this age, I know, but the circles his little mind goes in are making things even more complex to sort through. Poor kid. I wish things could be just a little easier for him, but then, that’s nothing new.

Time for a stretch and a coffee.

Crummy Morning

What the hell is going on? :S I keep making mistakes here today and I can’t seem to get out of the loop.

First, I coded someone’s hours wrong and she’s pissed about it. It was a small error…I was told she worked a day she did not and paid her for it. Second I sent the wrong document in an email (no one told me which one to use…) and then when a sick call came in I didn’t properly notify one of the teams. I sent an appointment out to the staff from one side of the department, not knowing they split up the staff meetings between teams and five people reported the error to me. Then the boss called who loves to micromanage and said I had confused her. She then explained that there were several meetings, not just one, and I tried to fix it but somehow got my address list messed up and sent it to a few of the wrong people. When I pulled it back out of everyone’s calendar they started calling me to tell me that I had excluded the wrong people but I didn’t … they just didn’t read the email correctly. I pulled the whole lot of meetings and now I’m getting calls asking why all the meetings are cancelled.

I’m almost in tears….so many stupid little things in a row. Makes me look like I don’t pay attention but I do. I think they forget I’m new here sometimes. :(

Frustrating morning. I guess they have to come some time. No excuses, but I was slammed last week with work…audits and payroll happened all at the same time and I was working early and late….we had no sitter and I had to negotiate with D for time off to be home with him….it was hard. I got it done but it was hard. Now I’m making stupid mistakes and I can’t seem to stop.

Blech Wednesday. :(

I started my yoga routine last night and was very proud of myself for getting it done. I was sweating when I finished but felt quite relaxed and well stretched out. I’m going to keep it up and hopefully will see some healthy results in a month or two.

Okay. Back to work. Better slow down so I stop making dumb errors that make me feel so terrible.

Dream Girl Dream

Does everyone have a place they fit in? Do you feel comfortable at home in your own space? Is there a place inside to go when things seem so ugly you can’t stand to look anymore? I just go into my dreams.

I’ve been dreaming of my girl again every night, in those woods. Same route, same street, same everything…down the dirt road to the set of four houses tucked back in the trees. Same driveway with the cars parked across it, no particular order evident. Same front porch, front door, same sounds of splashing and squealing children in the back yard.

I wanted to take a swim and had been hoping to find the place empty but was disappointed. They were having a barbecue of sorts, loads of family around enjoying the sun and food. I peeked around the corner of the house where the bushes meet the wall so no one would see me creeping there. I scanned the crowd for her…looked for her red and yellow bathing suit that I knew like my own skin. She wasn’t swimming in the pool. I dared stick my head around further to take in the people eating burgers on the pool deck…she wasn’t there either. A flicker caught my attention way deep in the woods behind the home and I stared for a few minutes, focusing hard on what I was seeing, until she came into focus. My friend was out there sitting on a tree branch, partially obscured by branches and bright green leaves. The moment I saw her my heart started to hammer in my chest. I had to get to her.

I walked back to my car and passed it, walked down the road as far as it went and then turned into the trees. There was no path to follow and I had to make sure I wasn’t seen by the family or the neighbours, although the people who lived around them never seemed to be home. I kept low to the ground and walked in silence until I was sure I was well past the line of sight to my friends house. Then I cut back and walked towards her, hoping to come from behind so I didn’t startle her too much. I saw her up ahead….long, beautiful hair blowing into the tree branches, mixing with the leaves and wind.

I coughed. “Hey you…”

She didn’t look my way but responded with a slight nod of her head; permission to come closer. I walked to her and found a foothold in the tree she was perched in, climbed up to where she sat and squeezed in beside her. Our legs were pressed against each other’s and I put my hand softly on her back.

“I needed to find you.” I said.

“I know.” Was her soft reply.

“Is there anything I can do? Do you mind if I stay?”

“You can stay for a while” she said without looking at me. Then she turned and the full force of her eyes hit me like a punch. I nearly fell from where I sat.

“Thanks.” Was all I could manage.

She lifted a hand and took a strand of my hair in her fingers, swirling it around making a little tornado. I could feel the shock of her touch through my hair and into my scalp; tingling, tickling sensations flooded me.

“I don’t ever want to leave.” Sudden tears.

“I know that too” This time she looked sad and leaned closer to me.

I touched her cheek with my lips in a kiss but stayed there for a moment, breathing in the smell of her skin; memorizing the feel of it so close to mine. Moments later she pulled back and positioned herself to jump from the branch we sat on. Landing on nimble feet she turned to smile at me and then walked off towards the house and the squealing, laughing children. I lay across the branch and closed my eyes, content to sleep for a while.

I woke up missing her with a fire in my belly and a stone on my chest. She is so important to me, this woman. It’s like I need her just to breathe, to exist. I can’t get her out of my thoughts today and it’s a difficult thing to control….she’s not real. She’s a dream in my head and I don’t know who she is or why she eludes me so much.

Some people think she’s me, which has to be true, in a sense, since she is a character in my dreams and everyone we dream of is some sort of reflection of self. She feels like a mother, a lover, a friend, a partner, a best friend…like all I need in life to finally find peace. I wish I had more memories of her, rather than a scattering of dream memories of lying in her bed and holding her pillow to my chest to quell the ache within.

Silly. I don’t even feel this intensity of emotion for real people in my life. Maybe it is a cry from inside to love myself more, despite the things I feel.

Hopefully, that got her out of my system for a while. I need to get some work done…crazy job this is…so busy and full. I love it still, I just wish the workload would spread out a little.

Happy Tuesday then.

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