Another Happy, Painful, Exhausted Day

This is the weirdest feeling.  I can’t even move my head without seeing stars today (neck is beyond messed up) and yet, what’s that strange little feeling in my tummy?  Little butterflies of happiness?  Seriously?  Wtf?

I’m happy about this, of course, but I really don’t understand where the depression went.  (Don’t worry, I’ll stop repeating myself soon on this).  I feel like a part of me is missing.

I had therapy last night.  My therapist listened to me chatter on about Colt and work and relationships.  I talked about M some…it was more like a visit over tea than a therapy session.  When we got to the end she told me she’d never seen me this settled and calm, even though I was in obvious pain.

“So Grainne…what would you like to do now?”  She asked at the end of the session.

“How do you mean?  With therapy?”

“Yes.  Do you feel you want to continue on or have we dealt with things?  You seem more level then I’ve ever seen you.”

I was a little dumbfounded.  I thought, for a moment, that she was trying to get rid of me.  It was such an open-ended question I struggled for an answer.  Do I not need any more therapy?  I’m not having any flashbacks anymore…no panic attacks, very little anxiety.  The biggest emotional issue I’ve faced in the last while is depression and that up and flew away sometime in April.

“I’d like to keep going if we could?  I would really like to discuss some of the dreams I’ve had in the last year.  (Wait, what?  I’ve avoided talking about my dreams for years with her and now I bring it up as my next therapy focus?)

She made me wonder though.  I take the things she says very seriously and I have followed her lead from the start.  She was happy enough to give me another appointment, but she really didn’t seem to think I needed to carry on.  What does that mean?

Now I’m just a body in pain rather than a soul in pain.  I’ve let go of my family.  Brother, sister, father, mother…let go.  I’m not angry with them anymore.  It’s just the past and I have no way of changing it so, all I had to do was face it and tear through to the other side.  It took me years…(evidence is well chronicled here) but I think…I think, I’m there.  Getting there, at least.

D’s anger doesn’t phase me as much now.  A good friend gave me a catch phrase to use when he apologizes for being a jerk (you SHOULD be sorry!).  It’s made a difference in how I cope.  He doesn’t drag me down like he used to.

I think I’ve reconciled my past.  I have accepted that although terrible abuse occurred, I don’t have to spend the rest of my life rolling around in it.  I can still be me, face my broken bits and be happy all at the same time.  I love knowing that.  I must have processed a lot in this last year.

I love not being depressed. It makes everything easier.

Without the depression holding me down, I began to pay attention to other things.  When I got that new camera, something in me just opened up and I thought of how great this summer will be, taking shots…travelling around on day trips.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I haven’t looked forward to anything in ages.

I feel a little guilty, posting this, because many of my friends here are struggling, stuck in their personal darkness and I can’t even tell them how I did it…lost my depression.  I just woke up one day and didn’t want to die.  I studied the feeling, expecting it to go away with the next stressful event but it never did.  I just *feel* better.  Ala-kazam.

I’m not depressed.  I have been effectively un-depressed.  The rest of my issues now have time to be dealt with.

Oww…(I’m okay). Owwwww…(I’m really okay).

First, I’m proud of me.  I have gone to the dentist three times now and have taken care of all the little issues I’ve let get out of hand.  Had two molars pulled (they were too far gone) and had a root canal and restoration on one tooth.  Now I have a mouth full of strong teeth and I only have to go back for some minor fillings and a periodontal assessment.   My mouth hasn’t been this happy in…wow, years.

You know why I waited so long?  I didn’t have the money (D said) to put out until my benefits paid me back.  I just didn’t want to fight that fight.  I kept putting things off until, one day, my body decided I wasn’t going to be putting it off anymore.  An infection drove me to get things looked at and then I decided not to wait until the next one to fix the rest.  Yay me.  (Kitty, it was your advice that got me there, BTW.  Thanks for that…xx)

The bad part is that lying in that chair with my head tilted back and my mouth open really messes with my cervical spine.  I was, at one point, holding my head still with my neck and shoulder muscles seized, cramping…I was shaking with the effort of it.  My dentist kept stopping, asking if I was okay as he thought I was scared.  (He’s such a good dentist.  I’m so lucky to have him).

I went right home yesterday and took the weight of my head off my neck, which helped some I think, but the moment I stood up this morning I thought I was going to collapse.  My neck, shoulders, spine, jaw, face and head felt like a badly balanced game of Jenga.  Every time I moved my head my joints creek and pop in and out of socket…it’s a horrible feeling.  I can feel the nerves firing off signals that start in my shoulder and end in my fingertips but when I try to massage the pain away I can’t feel anything thanks to the numbness.  My knees, ankles and toes are also sore today.  I can’t figure out why so it’s likely a random reaction to the weather?  I don’t know.  :(  My fingers (and arms) hurt when I type or pick anything up and when I stand or walk my toes and ankles start to complain.

Now is one of those times when I need to stop what I’m doing often in the day and take a body scan to find all the places that do NOT hurt so I can focus away from the pain.  It’s a trick I learned a long time ago but stopped using it for some reason…got lost in the darkness of it all, I think.

Head – Pain in head, face, jaw, neck
Neck – Pain throughout
Shoulders – Pain throughout
Arms – Pain throughout
Chest – Pain in ribs and collar bones
Abdomen – No pain
Hips – No pain
thighs No pain
Knees – Pain throughout
Shins – Slight muscle pain
Ankles – Joint pain
Feet – Tendon and Joint pain
Toes – Joint pain

So.  Today, my abdomen, hips and thighs are functioning normally with no discomfort.  Each time the pain builds to the point where I feel overwhelmed by it, I’ll stop and reflect on how my tummy, hips and thighs feel.  Their muscles are relaxed and loose, no stress or tension inside those places.  The joints move freely and smoothly.   I’m letting my body know that we’re going to focus on the good, not the bad.  Thank you to my lower half for keeping us in balance today.

This pain is now a part of me.  I want to name it..make it a noun so that I can address it.  It’s a part of me that I don’t like to indulge, however, I need to listen to what my body needs if I’m going to be able to do this.  The pain doesn’t have to lead to depression..I’m understanding that now.

I have more control than I realized.  Isn’t that amazing?  No matter how deep or intense the pain gets, I am still in the driver’s seat here.  I can choose to submerge and try to sort things out that way (which I’ve been doing for the last few years) or, I can come up for air and strategize to work out a better solution.  I’m not sure it will work all the time, but it’s working so far.  I haven’t felt that heavy blanket of depression for weeks and weeks now.  It gives me such a sense of freedom, feeling like I have some control of my world.

So now, of course, I want to drop my antidepressants.  It’s a trap a lot of people fall into when on multiple medications.  It’s moderately possible that they are the reason I’m not depressed, however, I’ve been taking this exact combo for over two years … it would be strange if they just suddenly began to work.  I’m betting that the constant present-focus the pain brings has allowed me to let go of the things that were haunting me.  I will stay on them for now.  It’s just a numbers thing…I really hate taking 8 pills three times a day.  (Sigh – can’t win sometimes!)

Isn’t that interesting though?  Something really good came from all this pain.

So, today, I’ll remember that and focus on the bits that don’t hurt.  Tomorrow is another day…will see how we go.

And to restore my faith in humanity….

….along comes my son’s little friend, Amy.  This is the sweet little girl who has, literally, taken care of Colt while he’s at school since they started together in Kindergarten.  She is my babysitter’s only daughter and she has a heart of gold, just like her beautiful mom.  She is, by far, one of the most special people in Colt’s life and I absolutely adore her as well.

Yesterday was ‘Track and Field’ day at their school.  No one told us about it and it wasn’t listed on their website, but apparently the students had been told to bring money for hotdogs and snacks.  Of course, not knowing what was happening, we didn’t send any money with the boy so he was heartbroken when all of his friends got hotdogs and pop and all he had was his boring old lunch.

I would have arranged something for him had I known, but he doesn’t think to call us when stuff like that happens.  He just cried quietly in the corner of the field and watched his friends enjoy their snacks.  That is, until Amy found him and discovered why he was crying.

This seven-year old girl went on a mission.  She dug out her change (her own money was spent on hotdogs, not her parents money) and then went on a campaign trying to collect change from her friends.  She came up with $6…enough for a hotdog, drink and bag of chips and she gave it to my son.  (There are tears in my eyes as I type this).  Colt happily got his meal and felt better right away.

That is not the first time this beautiful little girl has saved Colt’s day.  I am so thankful for people like her and for the gentle love she shows Colt.  She is an amazing little person and, all by herself, can make me feel better about the rest of the world.  I can hardly wait until she grows up so I can tell her how much of an impact she’s made.

Thank god for the beautiful hearts of children.  I know they can be cruel, but just one like her’s makes it all so much easier to swallow.

Anatomy of the Apology

Emotional me is digging in her heels on this one.  Apologies have always been the least trusted and most feared exchange between myself an another human being.

Apologies first came to me from my foster-father.  When he was sober, he was an asshole.  When he was drunk, he was twice the asshole.  When he was black-out, drooling drunk, he apologized to me (and only me) constantly.  I remember many times pushing him off me as he tried to hug and kiss me, petting my head like I was a dog.

“Ach ma wee hen, I’m so sorry I cannae be better to you.  You’re the gift God sent me, ma wee pet…”  Drool, slobber slobber.

(shivers)

I’d push him away with my arms and legs…(I was usually asleep when this shit started with him.  He’d be on the return from his all night bender and would come wake me up to tell me he loved me).  I recall so many times that his hugs would turn to something else…when he was that drunk though, he couldn’t do much physically, lucky for me.

So…he’d apologize because I think he knew he was wrong, deep down, and just couldn’t keep it hidden when he was on the tail end of a bender.  It would have been okay, I guess, if he hadn’t turned right back into his asshole self the very next morning…only worse because he was hungover.  I learned very early on that apologizes from my dad meant nothing the next day.

My mom.  She never really apologized out loud but she would plead at me with her eyes from across the room while my dad went at me.  It always started with the two of them sitting in the living room on those black leather sofas.  Me in on the loveseat, my dad pacing and stomping, my mom sitting with her knees pressed together looking, for all the world, like she’s rather be anywhere but there.

She did apologize to me, eventually.  She was on her knees outside the lobby a Mexican five-star resort begging me to forgive her for not protecting me from him, as he (drunk, of course) was awaiting a confrontation with me in said lobby…*sigh*  Sorry mom.  You were about 30 years too late at that point.

The neighbours.  I can’t tell you how many times an adult neighbour said to me ”Grainne, honey, I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you.”  after many, many doors were closed and curtains drawn on me as a child, banging on their door for help in the middle of the night.  Sorry folks, you don’t get to exonerate yourself with a late apology. It’s just not something I can accept.

Apologies also came from teachers and social workers….doctors and friends parents.  Everyone seemed to know I was in some sort of trouble at home, in fact, my teachers often used it against me.  It was hard to hear.  Everyone seemed to know they had not stepped up to the plate to help me and they also seemed to think that an apology to clear their conscience would make me feel better too.  Wrong.  It did not make me feel better.  It made me understand that they knew the choice they were making was a bad one and made it anyway, at my expense.

I didn’t feel worth fighting for, worth saving.  I didn’t feel worth helping.

The next set of apologies that pissed me off were the ones from the general public.  So many of the people who walked by me on the street (dirty, hungry young girl in ratty clothes and a filthy blanket) muttered apologies as they passed.  Well, the ones who didn’t outright blame me for my own circumstances (Oh Jack, don’t give your hard earned money to that girl, she’ll just spend it on drugs…. yeah lady, thanks for that.  Even if I did spend it on drugs, who the fuck are you to tell me that my life shouldn’t be made any easier or at least enjoyable for an hour…).  The rest would say “Sorry” as they passed.  I never understood that one.  Were they sorry that I was in such a shitty place or sorry they had to make eye contact with me?  No one really tried to help until Tiffany came along.  That’s when I realized that any of those millions of people who said ‘sorry’ could have done what she did.  Tiffany wasn’t much older than me.  She was just a kid who had a heart big enough to help.  (She never once said she was sorry.  She just helped me up and out.)

After those folks, I met and married an emotionally abusive guy.  He apologized after every battle, sometimes in the middle of them too.  It never changed things or stopped things…he just did as he pleased then apologized as if he was taking confession at a catholic church.  Absolved of all sins with a simple apology.  He started to apologize sincerely after I left him but I was long since used to his fake apologies at that point and didn’t believe him.

His family apologized for him, for a while, then his mom killed herself and blamed me in her goodbye letter.  So.  Whatever.

Then comes a period of time when I got sick, physically.  No one could find out what was wrong with me and I heard many, many ‘sorry’s’.  Those ones kind of counted, however, the moment they realized I had seen psychiatry in my past, the sorry’s turned to quiet accusations of it all being ‘in my head’.  They took their heart-felt apologies back, it seemed.

Then came M.  He apologized all the time when he had stepped over the line.  Often, he’d defend his actions first, but, he’s only human like the rest of us…I didn’t mind his defending comments.  When he said sorry, he really seemed to mean it.  He’s a smart guy though….knows how to play people some, so he apologized when it was strategically helpful to him.

(That’s a part of it right there.  People always seem to apologize when they’ve lost something they want back, not because they feel bad).

Some of his apologies were heartfelt, I was sure, but the behaviour that he was apologizing for never stopped.  I’m not sure what that means.  How can you apologize for something and then keep doing it?  Or rather, WHY would you?  It makes things seem rather invalid to me.

I’m leaving out dozens of examples, but it’s really this most recent apology that’s eating at me.  I was so sure that when my boss apologized to me (and I to him…I took my part of the blame fully, and fucking meant it too) that he was being genuine.  His voice was warm, he explained himself well, he was articulate and, when we got to the end of the conversation, things seemed resolved.  He said, so warmly, that we would work together to make things better.  I believed him entirely….I even went so far as to send him a message thanking him for his understanding.  (*burns with shame*)  I hate being duped like that.

I’m embarrassed that I fell for it.  I know (very well) that apologies are something I shouldn’t rely on as truth.  I just don’t know where that leaves me.  :(  It makes me very wary, I’ll tell you that.  I’m angry at him for fooling me.  Why would he bother?!  He called a friend and apparently bitched about me (I have proxy on his email and his friend wrote him afterwards.  I only read the first bit (realized it was personal) but it was clear he was talking about me) and then he called my Director.  Now I have to sit here and wait until the Director feels like talking to me.  Can hardly wait.

I’m just not going to listen anymore, when someone says sorry.  Unless it’s Colt or someone I dearly love, I’m not even accepting it.

I don’t get people.  Why does NO one seem to mean with they say in this world?  Well…some people are better than others.  See my next post for an example of that.

xx

Well, wasn’t that short-lived

Three hours after he apologized to me he wrote an email to my director.  The topic of conversation is, apparently, me.  I discovered this when I was checking his calendar as he had put a giant freaking NOTE in there that screamed my name along its banner.  Nice.  Right where he knew I’d not be able to miss it.    These two do not like each other, do not speak for any reason, almost never meet except where they have to (and even then they barely acknowledge each other) and they’re getting together for a meeting…about me.  I’m pretty damn sure it’s not going to be a positive conversation.

When I pushed back with the school principal…when he was calling my office over 20 times a day and refused to leave a message and I called the cops, I was feeling good then too.  I had spoken up to a bully who was pushing me around and fucking with my autistic son’s education not only the professional way (went to his boss, had a very clear meeting with her after first meeting with him directly) but also the tantrum way (called the cops) and the end result was what?  Ohhh right, he called Children’s Aid on us.  That nasty little investigation is still not closed, by the way.  We called the Social Worker who handled it and he rudely informed me that I had misremembered when I said he’d told us he was closing the case and would write a letter.  D remembers too but, what the hell…who cares that we only have everything on the  line.  Let’s just fuck with this a little longer and see where it goes.

Anyway.

So, I stood up to my boss.  He relented when I pushed, apologized profusely and in a way I took as genuine (I swear to god that’s the last fucking time someone fools me with that trick) settled things, and then five minutes later, calls my direct supervisor (the one who can actually fire me).   Great.  Now there’s three of us involved.  Maybe we can get the entire senior leadership team in on the email chain.  While we’re at it, we can cc in all of my colleagues just to make sure the entire damn place knows the drama queen didn’t get what he wanted out of me.

*More on that – I can deal with most of this exchange rationally, but when I get to the bit about the genuine tone in his voice…I just start to choke up.  The shame just burns in me like you wouldn’t believe.  I’m avoiding eye contact with the words I’m typing on the screen it so makes me want to curl into a ball and call in sick for the rest of my life.  Bits of me are jumping up and down agreeing with every nasty word he says, and, as an added bonus, my head is racing a million miles a minute coming up with all the terrible things I THINK he might be thinking about me.  I’m caught.  Found out.  I’m a fraud here….I don’t even know how I got here*

So now I’m sitting in my dark room at the back of the house, blinds drawn, hunkered down in that way that makes my spine scream the most, my heart is pounding in my chest, not quickly but so hard, I swear I can see it through my shirt sometimes.  I have tear stained drops on my glasses and shirt, and pants, and keyboard.  Fuck.  FUCK!  (yeah I know why Colt is swearing…I know.  I don’t ever say it in front of him though).

(I got stuck here for about ten minutes.  Sat perfectly still staring at the screen, feeling all the anxiety and fear churning around in my stomach and cutting off the air when I breathe).

What do I do now?  I’m struggling to stay above water here but I’m having all sorts of flight fantasies and the adrenaline is so high.  I feel like a little jack rabbit in the fields out back, standing straight up, ears stretcccccccching as high as they can go to be sure to catch every tiny sound, in the hopes of hearing the wings of my predator before her talons strike.

D’s being his usual helpful self by yelling all the things I should do at me.  He worst case’s it to the point of lunacy and it drives my anxiety through the roof.  He’s in that mode right now and keeps darting in and out of the room, yelling things.

“If it looks bad for you while you’re in there this is what you do!!  OUT him, tell everything he’s ever done to you and then if they don’t care go raging into HR and demand they review your role and..and…and”  NO.  I do not rage I do not accuse and assign blame where it shouldn’t be.  I refuse to.  I won’t play dirty just to come out on top…It’s a failing in some ways, a strength in others.  I tell him this as quietly as I am able and he leaves again.  This sort of job paranoia is his speciality, after all.  He “almost” gets fired every other month, it seems.  (In all fairness, recently he’s been threatening to quit, not get fired, but the effect is hard-wired into me now anyway).

I have eaten two of the pills that quiet this panic reaction and I’m hoping my heart settles before I sleep.  I have vicious nightmares when I sleep like this.

Beating the Bully

Holy shit I did it right this time.

So.  I stood up to the boss…I had a call with him this morning, just to clear the air…I knew he had a down time between 8-9 today.  I hit him before he started his day and everyone else pissed him off.  I addressed him clearly about our working relationship and the difficulties he hands over to me when he leaves things up in the air or, doesn’t respond to a message I need a response on.  His schedule is a nightmare and I told him that too.  I even went into how I have four people to keep happy along with their four secretaries and I do my best to keep everyone’s clinical schedule first.  There was a pause when I had finished my speech…lol…and then…I was ASTOUNDED at what came next.

“Grainne, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry…I have obviously expecting you to read my mind.  I’m very sorry for my lack of effective leadership.”

I kind of sat there frozen, not sure what to do.  (You see, I have issues with apologies…and, quite frankly, that was the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth).

“Well (boss), You should not have to hand hold or follow-up, I agree, however you have to see my side…” and he cut me off.

“No, really, this is my fault.  All my fault.  I apologize for taking it out on you.  I’ll be more clear in the future.  I’m really, really sorry.”

Well I’ll be damned.  Suddenly I was consoling the guy.

“Ohh (boss), no, really, you’re so busy…I can completely understand….”  SHUT UP GRAINNE <—-says my head.  (*listens to head*)

Ha.  So.  He’s a bully.  I get it now Can you imagine though?  Lol…I was in tears the day before, terrified of the trouble I was about to get into.  I’m actually quite glad I had that meeting with him last night (committee) so I had a chance to actually see him once prior to this morning’s call.  I’m really freaking proud of myself.

Go Grainne.  I have a school meeting this afternoon with Colt’s snotty ass teachers and school too…I’m going with both guns loaded (my guns fire diplomacy…not to worry folks).  :)

Conclusion

I made it (of course).

When he walked in he tried to catch my eye.  I closed the boardroom doors and sat down, ready to take my notes.  When addressing the group he would look right at me, while looking around the room at his colleagues, but each time he did, I didn’t look down or away…I just looked straight back and carried on typing.  He hung around afterwards, chatting with people, as did I, but he didn’t seek my attention until he was about to leave.  He said something like “Oh Grainne?  Are we good?”  To which I answered, “You bet” and he left.

End of trauma.  Now I just have to work it out in my head so I can stop feeling these feelings of failure and fear…the panic of being threatened, I ‘frustrated’ him, he kept saying.  Triggered the hell out of me.